thanks to regina

Chapter Twenty-Three

His Royal Rainbow

Royal Bitch Exclusive

Assabella's Former Assistant Tells All

Here at Royal Bitch, we have no illusions about how the public perceives us. We know very well we're the red-headed bastard of the media. We embrace it. After all, for years it was the only thing we had in common with Prince Edward. It got us thinking. His Royal Hotness can get away with just about anything. No one expects him to be his brother, just like no one expects us to be ethical. When word got around that Heidi Hopper—Bella Swan's former admin who is currently in the process of suing Dot Swan for wrongful termination—was giving interviews, we jumped on the opportunity. After all, you know our motto: if you don't have anything nice to say, come talk to us. You'll never guess the very first thing Ms. Hopper said when she visited our office.

"Just so you know, Bella is going to read this," she told us. "She checks your site daily. Bella started pouring over sites like Royal Bitch as soon as she was romantically linked to Prince Edward. She always has to some extent. Esme has this knowledge-is-power approach to what is being said about her, and since meeting Edward, Bella adopted the same philosophy. Now that she's also in the public eye, her family is managing her image the way they have Esme's."

We asked her to elaborate.

"Charles Swan sells Dot Swan. That's his product. Renee Swan's product is Esme. She worked on getting Esme married to Carlisle for what? Ten years? When the engagement is finally announced, she's content for a while. Then Prince Edward meets Bella and pukes all over her because he's wasted. Bella's disgusted and wants nothing to do with him, but as far as Renee is concerned, royal vomit is as good as unicorn poop and once again Renee has a purpose in life besides shopping and getting botox."

We thought we'd heard everything when Prince Edward drank the bong water. Did His Royal Hotness actually puke on Assabella?

"Oh, yes," Heidi assured us. "That's why he stopped by Dot Swan. He wanted to apologize, but Bella wasn't having any of it. She was completely unimpressed. She was constantly making up nicknames for him, like 'His Royal Vomitous' and 'His Royal Perpetually Highness.' Funny, this didn't stop her from scrutinizing the dick pics you guys posted. It's good to be the boss's daughter. Anyone else who did that at Dot Swan would be fired."

Who knew Assabella would be our kind of girl? The only thing better would be if she called him those nicknames to his face.

"I wouldn't put it past her," Heidi said. "She's not the kind of person to say stuff behind someone's back she wouldn't also say to their face. That's one of the things I like most about her. She's nothing like Renee and Esme. Bella has a very low tolerance for bullshit."

That's not what we'd expect to hear from someone Assabella just sacked.

"Bella didn't fire me, her father did— not that she wouldn't have, given the chance. I don't hold it against her. She needs to protect her interests just as I need to protect mine. Besides, taxpayers should know what the royal family is really like. I saw an opportunity to give people what they want while getting myself out of a dead-end job. Though I can't discuss my pending lawsuit against Dot Swan in detail, my legal team assures me the law is on my side. Bella and I might have been work friends, but that's all we were. Business is business. Bella understands that better than anyone. "

So Heidi, how's business?

She smiled. "Never better."

COMMENTS (showing 9 of 423)

Troll E. McCavetroll

Heidi Ho!

Lady In Waiting

For once, I agree with Troll. Ho is right!

Royal Watcher 1

You'll never find a friend on your payroll.


Bella would fit right in with this crew. His Royal Perpetually Highness? LMAO

His Royal Gayness

Right? Why didn't we think of that one?

Troll E. McCavetroll

Probably because you were too busy hypothesizing on whether Edward is a shower or a grower. Meanwhile, Not-a decided to be witty and he let her find out for herself. Ever think you're going about this the wrong way?

Boners for Bomer

I don't care who it comes from. Vomit can NEVER be unicorn poop.

Lady In Waiting

How would you know?

Troll E. McCavetroll

Duh. If it's long, hard, and attached to a hairy beast, he's obviously an expert.


That Edward's father is a decent guy shouldn't surprise me. I'm intimately acquainted with the tabloids' fondness for taking a tiny thread of truth and weaving it into a full-blown ugly sweater party, just as I'm well aware no one is all good or completely bad. Still, I never expected I'd find myself genuinely liking Prince John.

After breakfast, Edward and I leave the drawing room together. His silence doesn't bother me. Now that I know how easily sound carries here, I'm not about to say anything either. We're halfway down the corridor when Edward stops.

He presses his hand against the dark wood panelling on the wall. "It should be right about…" He moves his hand a few inches over. Out of nowhere, a door springs open.

"Oh, sure." I pretend to be annoyed. "Now you show me the secret passage. All the time I've wasted hauling ass from one end—"

I don't finish my sentence. I can't—his tongue's in my mouth.

Without taking his lips off mine, he leads me into the passage and kicks the door closed behind us. Good thing. His kiss right now? It's not the kind that says, "Good morning," or even, "Thank you for agreeing to sign the PCA." It's foreplay—plain and simple—and it's obvious long before he reaches under my skirt to pull down my panties.

I try to ignore what he's doing with his fingers. "Someone will hear."

"I don't care." He opens his trousers and pulls my leg up onto his hip. "Do you?" he whispers as he slowly pushes inside me.

There are so many reasons I should care—I worked way too hard to leave a good impression on his father to ruin it for a quickie—I just can't. Instead, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer.

He doesn't bother even to be quiet. His noises get louder with each thrust, and though I come silently with my mouth buried between his neck and shoulder, he does so with a roar.

"Have you no shame?" I ask, reaching for my underwear.

"Don't judge." He pulls up his trousers and hands me a handkerchief from his pocket. "It won't be long before you don't have any either."

Now that my eyes have adjusted to the darkness, I take a look around. There aren't any racks or shelves or anything else that would suggest the room we're occupying was meant for storage, but there isn't enough room to accommodate much else. Hell, there isn't enough room for me to raise my arms.

"Where are we?"

"A closet."

"What's it supposed to hold?"



"The staff uses these so we don't see them when we walk down the hall."

"Can't have the peasants ruining your day," I say, rolling my eyes.

"Historically, something like that. It's different now."

I run my fingertips over the wall. The plaster is cool and cracked in places. "Do you have these everywhere?"

"The only one of our residences that doesn't is Masen Cottage. It was built to be a respite from life at the court."

"Don't you have servants there?"

He laughs. "Not that much of a respite. I know you're thinking how outdated this is—"

"Try archaic."

"Have you ever walked in on your parents having sex?"

"God no," I say, shaking my head, "and thanks a lot. I totally needed that image."

"If you had the choice between that and ducking into a closet—"

"Oh, so the whole family is into doing it in random hallways?"

"Maybe that was a bad example. Sex isn't that big a deal. Everyone has it, and everyone walks in on someone at some point. A few hundred years ago, Esme and Carlisle would've had to celebrate their wedding night in front of witnesses. Nothing was private, so the illusion of privacy became important."

"Even when you're just walking down the hall?"

"Especially then. I don't know how it's been for you, but for me, when I've been gutted, when it's felt as if my life was over, it never seems to happen in the privacy of my own apartments. I don't let myself feel anything until I think I'm alone..."

I pull him into my arms. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He sighs. "Anyway, you wouldn't want your employees to see you like that—"

"Of course not."

"You know what sucks? The places they don't have these closets, the servants are trained to act as if you aren't there. There've been times I wished someone would see me. Then I'd walk past them staring straight ahead with their backs to the wall, just as they've been trained, and I'm grateful they're looking through me. You'll never find a friend on your payroll, but you know that."

"Right. Ugh!" I groan. "Freaking Heidi. God, that whole thing makes me livid."

"She gave Royal Bitch an interview after she was fired from Dot Swan. She has no credibility."

"She what?" I take a step back so I can see his face. "When did this happen?"

"This morning."

"That little bitch!" I push the door open and sprint down the corridor to my room. Edward comes in just as I'm lighting up my phone.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I thought you knew."

I shake my head as I launch my browser. "All the money Royal Bitch makes you'd think their site would load faster. Okay, here it is." My eyes scan the screen. At first, it doesn't seem so bad. Then I get to the part about my mom. "'Royal vomit is as good as unicorn poop?'" I look up at Edward in disbelief. "What the hell?"

He shrugs. "Is it bad I thought that was really funny?"

Face-palming, I let out a long sigh. "You know what the worst part is?"

Saying nothing, Edward comes over to me and starts to rub my shoulders from behind.

I lower my arm to my side and let the back of my head fall against his chest. "She pretty much nailed it."

"Will your mom be upset?"

"Heh. Doubtful. That's how she is, and she's unabashed about it."

"Royal vomit is unicorn poop?"

I let out a small laugh. "Yeah. Royal vomit is unicorn poop." My phone vibrates in my hand. "It's my dad. I should take this." Keeping my head against Edward's chest, I answer and raise the phone to my ear. "Hi, Daddy."

"She lives!" he says.

"Sorry I've been out of touch. I haven't had much time to myself."

"You've certainly earned a break. I just wanted to let you know the Heidi situation is resolved and you're free to come back any time."

"Resolved?" I straighten my posture. "It was all over Royal Bitch this morning that she's suing."

"She settled. It's over."

"How much did you give her?"

"That doesn't concern you, Princess."

I roll my eyes. "It isn't my company too or anything—"

"Anyway," he says, ignoring me, "I know you've been going stir crazy and thought you'd want to know as soon as possible."

"Right. Thank you."

"So?" my dad asks.

"So, what?"

"When can we expect you back in the office?"

I turn my face to look at Edward. He presses his lips against my temple and brushes his fingers against the side of my breast. I close my eyes and feel his breath against my skin.

"Princess? You still there?"

"Yes." I shoot Edward a warning look. "Sorry. Got distracted."

"When will you be back in the office?"

"Actually, Daddy, I changed my mind. I'd like to stay on leave indefinitely."

be nice. it's my birthday.