Chapter Twenty-Six

His Royal Fake Bump Watch

Royal Bitch Exclusive!

More Honeymoon Pics

Sadly, Esme learned her lesson from last week's topless pic fiasco—does our future queen have a great rack or what? This week she donned a one piece suit as she and Prince Carlisle were spotted in a yacht off the coast of Mustique. While cameras are not allowed on the island itself, we were able to discreetly photograph the two royals with long lenses from a neighboring yacht. Look closely, not only is she sporting a bump, she also looks ill. They say the worse the morning sickness, the healthier the pregnancy. In that case, let's hope she's absolutely miserable. We here at Royal Bitch wouldn't wish honeymoon sea sickness on anyone. Oh wait—you say we did? When? At Prince John's dodgy younger brother Prince Louis's second wedding? Oopsie. Guess we did. And as more and more pictures of him surface with known human trafficker Victor Kirk, a choppy sea is the least of his worries. But we'd never do it to Carlise and Esme. They're much too important to the future of the monarchy since Screwy Louie removed himself and his children from the line of succession. Come on, Esme. All eyes are on you.


HRH Princess Edward

Prince Louis is old news. And showing Esme's boobs last week was sooo important to the future of the monarchy.

Monarch Shutterfly

You didn't care about Esme's tits last week.

HRH Princess Edward

I still don't care about Esme's tits. I don't think Prince Louis should be punished for having bad friends. He shouldn't be forced out of the line of succession because his friends are assholes

watchdogs-and-diet cokeheads

Prince Louis hasn't stepped away from his place in succession. That's just a rumor.. But if I were him, I'd do whatever it took to end the conversation. I wouldn't want to put my mother through that at her age. Screwy Louis says he wasn't aware what his friend was doing, and I believe him. Now as for these pics. Long lens is right. You can't even tell it's her.


I don't like bump watches. They remind me of back in the day when there had to be witnesses to the wedding night. Aren't we above this by now?

Troll E. McCavettoll

If we're talking about you specifically, no. YOU'RE not above anything. Unless, of course one of your customers wants you on top.

My Narcissistic Alias

Why do you let Troll talk to you like that, Lady? And I agree. Bump watches are tasteless. I'm sure Esme is more than her uterus. We just haven't seen what yet. Anyway, I reported Troll for abuse.

My Royal Gayness

Esme wears her clothes very well. Screwy Louis is a waste of space.


MNA- Troll is just bitter. It honestly doesn't bother me, but thank you. Things are looking up for me. I was invited to apply for a scholarship. Fingers crossed, everyone.


Why would we censor Troll? Everyone loves him. And a royal bride IS a royal uterus. Feminists need not apply. If she doesn't produce soon, they'll find someone who will.

Royal Watcher1

Unfortunately, Admin is right.


About Troll? I know. Tragic isn't it?

Royal Watcher1

About everything. Good luck with your scholarship. You deserve it.

HRH Princess Edward

Hey, Royal Watcher1, is Prince Louis still in the line of succession?

Royal Watcher1


Turns out Esme's not the only one who isn't pregnant. Like just about everything these days, I find out the weirdest way imaginable—from Her Majesty's Gynaecologists. It's that day—the day of the reproductive health exam to which I agreed so Edward and I can continue doing whatever it is we're doing. Now, I didn't want to be pregnant. I have never wanted to be pregnant. I took great measures to prevent myself from becoming pregnant. I've been on edge for days thinking I might be pregnant. I wait for relief to wash over me, but it never comes. Emptiness gives way to something I've only felt once before—on the morning of Esme's wedding when she told me Edward and I wouldn't end up together. It was the same then as it is now. The confusion, the crushing disappointment. Hearing I can't have what I don't want shouldn't do this to me. But that night changed everything, including my dreams.

I wander back to my room in a haze, clutching the envelope with my test results. Edward will be relieved to hear the news, regardless of all the chances he's taken. I shift the envelope into my other hand, its pristine linen stationery marred from my sweaty fingers so I open the door. Edward's laughter. I hoped for some time to process this on my own, but I guess that's not in the cards. I drop the envelope on a table as I turn the corner to the sitting room, he's there, sprawled on the sofa laughing at something on his laptop.

"You have to see some of these," he says. "Everyone is convinced Esme's pregnant. Bump watches everywhere. As if she'd be showing anything other than she drank some beer!"

To be fair I don't know that Esme isn't pregnant—just that for whatever reason Edward seems completely certain she isn't. Well, that and if she were, she'd tell me. I guess that's why he's able to find social media's obsession with her abdomen so entertaining.

I find it revolting. "Ugh. Put that away."

"Bella, she's not pregnant. And it's taking attention away from Louis's exploits, so it can't come at a better time."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Did you.." I take a deep breath and curl my fingers into quotes '''manufacture' this round of photos?"

"I can't believe you'd think I'd do that. This was straight from the Grey Men. Until Granny finds out exactly how much Prince Louis knew about what his friends were up to and if he participated himself, she needs the press focused elsewhere—."

"And the obvious location was my sister's uterus?" I wish I were surprised, but I'm not. Nothing shocks me anymore.

"Oh, come on." He puts his laptop aside and pulls me onto his lap. "The joke's on them." He tries to kiss me and I turn away. . "The yacht is a decoy. Those aren't even pictures of your sister they're fixating on. For now at least, the paps don't even know where Carlisle and Esme are. Have a laugh at the pap's expense. They don't come often."

"Hard to think of paps as funny. In America, that's what they call smear tests—pap smears," I say, getting back to the topic at hand.

"Random," he says, laughing. "Should make for some interesting headlines."

"Oh, it does. Every time you punch a pap they call it a pap smear. Speaking of which, I've had mine now. The smear test, the pregnancy test, the pelvic ultrasound, the STI panel, everything. The results are over there if you want them."

"I see." His voice, but serious, but gentle. . "Shall we go to the study?"

This is tricky. I've never been in a relationship like this before. Okay, to be fair. Other than my sister, no one has been in a relationship like this before. I think my test results are a conversation we should take to the study, even though mine, like Edward's, are completely normal. How conflicted I feel about not being pregnant? That's about as far away from "a study conversation" as it gets.

"Yes." I move from his lap onto the sofa beside him. "But there's something I want to tell you. You know, there was a possibility I could be pregnant. My test came back negative. So that's one fewer thing to worry about."

There's no mistaking the look on his face, and it's the opposite of what you'd expect from a man who locks up his used rubbers. "So that's how you feel?" His voice is pained and barely louder than a whisper. "Relieved?"

"I don't know how I feel. I know I expected relief. I waited for it. So many feelings washed over me, but relief wasn't one of them. Part of me wishes I were pregnant. Then the decision would've been made for me."

He rises to face me, covers his eyes with his hands and takes a deep breath. "Anyone would be overwhelmed. Just...don't make any rash decisions, okay?" He forces a smile that doesn't reach his eyes as he offers me his hand. "Shall we go to study? After that, I have a surprise for you."

It can only be one thing. "Masen Cottage?"

I leap to my feet and throw my arms around his neck. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

"We'll leave right away. Our bags will follow. Masen Palace hasn't been a good environment for either of us. Time to show you the upside."

We make our way to the study arm-in-arm. I can't hide the spring in my step.

Author's note:

I'm under lockdown and curfew in NJ. This will update regularly until completion.

My chapters are short, but not typically this short. Next update will be beta'd. I apologize for errors.

Thanks for staying with me.