Ok, so this is quite the emo-story, but oh well, we all love some drama. So the thing is, the first part of the story Is extremely similar to something that has happened to me in real life, yes; I used to cut myself, and I kept it secret, (for anyone who dares considering it; I'm not, and have never been an "emo attention whore", I used to cut myself because my life were difficult for me at the time) and I have tried to explain the feeling here. Also the reason I stopped cutting myself were in fact that I met this sweet girl, and we became friends at once, and she used to wear t-shirts and stuff, and when she did I could clearly see scars on her arm. So after I had seen the scars I actually became super confused, and depressed for a week, not knowing what to do, but I finally asked her about it, and she said without any reservations, that she use to cut herself. This sort of shocked me into letting it slip that I cut myself, and she was really understanding, and listened to me talking out for about 3 hours, after that I have only had 2 breakdowns, and it is a few months ago now, so I'm definitely improving. So, I was supposed to say that I really don't want anyone to say that there is something wrong with the way that I have tried to portray the difficult feelings here, because it may be different from person to person, but this is more or less the feelings I had.

Disclaimer: if I owned Death note, L and Light would be ruling the world together and have hot sex in the anime/manga, so if you have watched the anime/read the manga, and can't remember them doing either, then you have the answer.


It feels like I'm falling… I know that what I'm doing is wrong… NO! I'm god! I'm justice! … or am I? … I'm falling deeper and deeper… I don't remember… why did I start killing people again? … hahah, you are pathetic Light Yagami! No I'm kira… or am I? am I both kira and Light? Am I a killing machine? NO! I don't wanna kill people! Please… someone… save me…

Light Yagamis thoughts swirled around in his head, he tried to push them away, but lately that had proven difficult… he turned on the water in the shower and stepped in. he reached for the soap, but his hand caught something sharp, it was a barber razor… he looked at it in wonder, turning it gingerly around in his hand, looking at it from every angle. He wasn't even sure why he was doing it; there were a lot of things he wasn't sure of anymore. Suddenly his hand slipped and the barber razor cut him in his palm. The red blood trickled down along his arm, blending with the water giving the water a pink hue. The moment he felt the pain all his confusing thoughts disappeared for a moment and all that existed was the pain. It had felt so wonderful, but only seconds later all the thoughts had come crashing back into his brain even worse than before. Light began sobbing, it was too much; the maddening knowledge drove him mad, he couldn't stand it. He lifted the barber razor to his eyes, as If studying it. He held his left arm up, and slashed the underside of his arm. He cut fairly deep and the blood coloured the water red this time. His mind cleared and once again all that existed were his pain. There were no past or future, only the present, and the present were careless and beautiful. His eyesight began to blur so he carefully turned off the water before he sank down to the floor, unconscious.


*knock, knock, knock*

Light awoke to the sound of someone knocking on the door; he was half lying half sitting on the floor in the shower. His arm throbbed painfully and a little blood still trickled from the wound on his arm, first his thoughts were a complete mess and he couldn't remember anything, then it all came back to him; he was a killer. He couldn't suppress a small sob escaping his lips and this of course, did not go unnoticed by the person standing outside.

"Light-kun? Are you alright? You have been in there for quite a while now" said L in his normal monotone voice. Light took a deep calming breath, willing his voice to sound normal, there were no way he could tell L, even if L were the three best detectives in the world, and a genius he couldn't possibly understand the agony Light were feeling.

"I'm sorry Ryuuzaki, I slipped on the wet floor and fainted, but i didn't get hurt, I just have a small swelling in the back of my head, nothing serious." Light said, attempting to sound convincing. He hoped with all his heart that it had worked, he wasn't sure why, but nobody could know what he had just done…

"I have a medical degree, I could look at your head just to be certain that there is no serious damage, or a concussion" L said. Light wasn't sure but he though he heard a hint of worry in the normally so bored voice.

"no thanks, I'm fine" Light said, he couldn't think of any better reassurances at the moment.

"if you say so.. Either way, I came to tell you that a minor fire broke out in part of the building, there were no serious damage so we don't have to evacuate, but the elevator and the stairs are unstable, and I would prefer keeping everyone on the taskforce in the first floor, so that we won't have to use either. And since you, Watari and I are staying in this building, and we only have two rooms on this floor I would request that you sleep with me until the damage is repaired. Is this a problem?" L said. Light could never tell with L, but sometimes he wondered if the guy ever bothered drawing breath while talking, he just went on and on.

"so it'll just be like before we removed the handcuffs, except now you know I'm…" Light trailed off, his throat constricted, he couldn't say it, he just couldn't…

"now I know that you are, what Light-kun?" L said, his voice suddenly sharp.

"nothing, I'm a little sleepy, I'm going to dry myself and get dressed, then I'll go to bed."

Light heard L shuffle away, and as soon as he knew L was out of earshot he let go, he began sobbing uncontrollably, he wasn't even sure why, it just hurt, everything hurt, he didn't want to feel such pain. It tore him apart from the inside, it drove him mad, he didn't want to know, but he knew, there were no turning back at that point… a miracle would have to happen for him to be able to turn back.

Light lifted himself from the floor, everything began swaying, or was it him? Either way he leaned on the wall and held his head in an attempt to steady himself and make the dizziness go away. It worked, though he wasn't sure how much holding his head had helped, but he didn't really bother thinking too much about it.

He walked slowly over to the sink and looked at his reflection. He was deathly pale. He saw that he swayed a little back and forth but he managed to keep standing as he slowly dried off the water. He looked at his arm, it had stopped bleeding, and he had been in the shower, so the risk for infection was low, so he didn't bother cleaning the wound properly. He pulled on the clothes he had prepared before the shower and combed his hair, just like he always did. He did all this on auto-pilot, because he didn't want to think. He only focused on keeping his mind blank… he had to… he felt as if he would break if he didn't.

When he had finished dressing he just stood there, staring into the mirror. He still looked pale, but he didn't sway anymore. He just stared into his golden eyes that everyone admired. His eyes were puffy, and it was obvious that he had been crying. Suddenly his eyes widened considerably, his eyes weren't golden brown anymore, they had turned a deep shade of red, just like… blood. He stared. His reflections' mouth twisted upwards into a cruel smile. Light staggered backwards, and the reflection did the same, suddenly looking like him again.

Light hurried out of the bathroom, not daring to be in the presence of the mirror anymore. He walked as fast as he could – without fainting – to L's bedroom and entered.

L sat on the bed with his laptop in his lap, for once sitting like a normal person. Maybe a little too much hunched forward to be comfortable for anyone but him, but still far from his normal posture. When Light entered L looked up from his work, and immediately he tensed. Light had never looked that haunted and weak, not even when he had been imprisoned for more than a month.

Light noticed L's sudden alertness and tried to calm him by smiling, this turned out more as a grimace, and it definitely didn't calm L.

"Light, are you sure you are ok? You look terrible" L said, not even bothering hiding his worry, Light were his friend after all, and one worried for ones friends if they were in trouble.

"I told you I just have a small swelling in my head. If I get some sleep I will be... completely…" fine… Light never finished the sentence as everything went black once again.

L's eyes widened as his friend began swaying dangerously as he talked. He put his laptop aside and walked cautiously closer to Light, as if hurrying would scare him away. Then he saw Light close his eyes and he ran over just in time to catch him before he hit the floor.

L picked up Light bridal style and carried him over to the bed and put him down. When he looked closer L saw the distinct redness around Lights eyes, signalising that Light had been crying. This alerted L, and he began checking Lights body.

He started with the head, feeling for the swelling Light had told him about, but it weren't there. He checked his neck, no wounds. A thin red line caught his eyes and he picked up Lights left hand and studied his palm, there were a small wound made by something very sharp there.

L sat staring at Lights hand for a few minutes, unsure if it would be rude of him to undress Light, but he decided that Lights health came before his pride. So L, with some trouble managed to pull off all of lights clothes except his boxers. The sight that met L shocked him; on the underside of Lights Left arm there where a long deep wound, which Light – by the look of it – had gotten within the last hours.

Is the wound self-inflicted? Or did he obtain it by accident? No, it is definitely self-inflicted, or else he wouldn't have lied about it. Why Light? Why did you do something like that to yourself? And why does it feel like my heart is going to break knowing that you have done such a thing? What on earth could possibly have driven you to harm yourself?

L didn't know what to do. Did he want Light to know that he knew? Or would it make thing worse for Light? What were he supposed to do?

L finally came to the conclusion that he would pretend he didn't know. He carefully dressed Light again, and just as he finished with the last button on Lights shirt, Light stirred and slowly opened his eyes.

"Ryuuzaki?" he said groggily, not completely aware of his surroundings yet.

"yes Light, you fainted, so I carried you to bed, you should try to get some sleep, you look like you need it." L said matter-of-factly, all trace of worry gone from his voice.

This however, alerted Light; he looked sharply at L, but decided to let it be. "Do you have a pair of pyjamas I can borrow?" Light asked instead.

"no, but you can borrow one of my sweaters at least, they are just as comfortable."

"I guess it will have to do." L's lack of questions about him wanting to sleep in pyjamas worried Light even more; the two of them had after all been handcuffed together for quite a while, and L knew fully well that Light only slept in his boxers.

Light took the offered sweater and turned away from L. He reached for the top button and looked down in wonder, the buttons had been buttoned up oddly, so that the top button didn't have a hole, and the bottom hole didn't have a button. Light would never have done that so why…? Sudden realisation hit him painfully and it took all the willpower Light could muster to not begin crying again. Two words repeated themselves inside Lights head over as he slowly buttoned down his shirt and changed into the soft sweater:

L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows, L knows…

Light felt tears streaming down his face again, he couldn't bear it. Why? L knew, so why hadn't he said anything? Why didn't he offer him some help…? or support…? or anything? Light folded his shirt and jeans neatly, and put them on the chair standing next to the bed, all the while keeping his head bowed down to hide his tears. He lay down on the bed facing away from L, and cried silently until he finally succumbed to sleep.

L could see Lights body shake lightly, and knew that he were crying. L couldn't name his relief when Lights breathing slowed and he finally fell asleep, it hurt so much to know that Light was in pain...


If you like it and want me to continue please add to favourites/story alert and/or review, IF YOU REVIEW PLEEEEAAASSEEEEE READ THE AUTHOR NOTE AT THE BEGINNING! 3

Author notes are always kinda awkward, so I'll try to keep them short from now on :3