The doorbell rings at the Marsh house. Charlie, still dressed in her Kosher Christmas gear, walks over to answer it.

Charlie: I'll get it!

She opens the door and sees Kenny on the step.

Charlie: Oh, hey Ken—

Like a hawk, Sharon has swooped on the kids with her video camera.

Sharon: Guess who's under the mistletoe?

Charlie (under her breath): Goddamn it…

Kenny looks up at the ornamental plant then looks dubiously at Charlie.

Sharon: Charlie, it looks like you've got to give Kenny a little kiss!

Kenny: (No fuckin' way, dude.)

Charlie: I'm not doing it, Mrs. Marsh.

Sharon: Come on, just one!

Charlie: I thought Stan and I told you! We declared mistletoe immunity!

Kenny: (You declared what?)

Sharon: You kids are no fun at all.

She sighs and walks away. Charlie and Kenny look at each other.

Charlie: …So, what's up, Kenny?

Kenny: (I'm here to see Stan.)

Charlie: Oh, okay. [Calling over her shoulder] STAN!

She steps aside and Kenny walks into the house. Charlie doesn't shut the door, and instead grabs a stack of fliers and a large poster and starts to head out.

Kenny (pointing at the materials): (What's that?)

Charlie: Oh, these are some Kosher Christmas Organization materials. We're having a meeting at the community center at four. You should come.

She hands him a flier.

Kenny: (…Kosher Christmas?)

Charlie: Yeah, I'd explain but I'm super busy right now. [Stan walks down the stairs and over to them.] Bye Kenny. Bye Stan.

She steps outside and uses her foot to pull the door shut, since her hands are full. The boys stare after her for a moment.

Kenny: (What a weird chick.)

Stan: Yeah, pretty much. So anyway, what's up, dude?

Kenny: [Sighs] (I really, really want a Blue Ryder air rifle for Christmas, but Mom and Dad say I can't have one, 'cause I'll shoot my eye out!)

Stan: Yeah, and what am I supposed to do about that?

Kenny: (Well… we get some presents every year from the annual toy drive, and I was wondering if maybe somebody might be able to slip an air rifle in there…)

Stan: I dunno, dude… How much do those things cost?

Kenny: (Only around…you know…fifty bucks…)

Stan: Jesus Christ, Kenny! How rich do you think we are?!

Kenny: (Come on Stan! Whose dick am I gonna have to suck to get myself a goddamn motherfucking air rifle?!)

Stan: Jesus, Kenny, calm your tits, dude! Fine! I'll see if my parents'll buy it for you! Just chill out, okay?

Stan and Kenny walk to the kitchen, where Sharon is going through a catalogue and Randy is reading and drinking a beer.

Stan: Mom? Dad? Could we maybe get Kenny a Christmas present?

Randy and Sharon make eye contact.

Randy: Well, I don't see why not…

Sharon: Um, but isn't Kenny right here with you, Stanley? Wouldn't you rather talk about this later, so the present is a surprise?

Stan: Nah, Kenny only wants one thing anyway. It's a, uh… What is it, Kenny, exactly?

Kenny: (It's a Blue Ryder Carbine-Action Four-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!)

Randy and Sharon: Oh…

Sharon: That sounds a little dangerous, Kenny. I don't think Mr. Marsh and I should buy that for you.

Randy: Yeah, you'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Kenny (clearly annoyed): (Goddamn it!)

Kenny walks angrily from the room, followed by a somewhat bewildered Stan.

Stan: Kenny, dude, why do you even want this thing so much?

Kenny: (Why the fuck do you think, Stan? I want to fuckin' shoot stuff!)

Stan: Kenny…

Kenny: [Sighs.] (Don't worry about it, Stan. I just want to be alone now.)

Stan stares after Kenny in bewilderment as he goes to the door and steps outside, his head hanging. We now follow Kenny as he walks glumly down the street. The setting grows dimmer and more desolate as soft music begins to play. Kenny, his voice still muffled, begins to sing.

[To the tune of "White Christmas"]

Kenny: (I'm dreaming of an air rifle
Just like I saw on my TV…
With a long barrel
I have an Aunt Cheryl
And you can't tell what I'm say-ing…)

A spotlight shines over Kenny and he gestures dramatically with his arms.

Kenny: (I'm dreaming of an air rifle
I'm also dreaming of big tits
My dick's so big it ha-ardly fits!
Your vagina's one skinny little bitch…)

[Key change]

Kenny: (I'm dreaming of an air rifle
I wish that I was seventeen!
When I get older
I'll get bolder
And start sleeping with chicks!)

Kenny: (I'm dreaming of Mila Kunis
With every wink I sleep at night!
May your boobs be perky and bright!)

The light instantaneously returns to normal. Kenny is standing in the middle of the street with his arms outstretched. Numerous children and adults are staring at him with expressions of confusion. Kenny lets out a nervous laugh, then finishes, the music joining him.

Kenny: (…And may all your Christmases be white…)

Kenny bows, then hurries away. One man claps awkwardly, but isn't joined, so he stops.