Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, if I did, River wouldn't be stuck in a computer, she'd be out with the Doctor shooting his hats and helping him save the world.
A/N: This is a really random oneshot that popped into my head over a conversation over Skype with my friend, Stacymc2012… and this is what happened. It's probably crap. I apologize.
The Doctor was dying. Again. If it hadn't been for that damned Slitheen none of this would've happened! But unfortunately (and inconveniently), he was regenerating, again. Of course it had to be in the middle of his wedding. Of course River just had to have their proper wedding on Raxacoricofallapatorius just so she could say she had (Impossible woman!). And of course the many slitheens that hated him just had to find out and come and crash the wedding! Oh…right…and of course he'd get shot.
Bloody weddings…why did they always end with him dying?
Oh well, maybe this regeneration would make him ginger.
He was vaguely aware of River cursing in long-dead languages only archaeologists would know as she cradled his head in her lap. Around them lay the bodies of the slitheens that River had promptly shot after they'd shot him. He felt the regeneration energy crawl through his body and pool in his appendages and head.
"River- you have to let go now."
She sniffled, "Right…I know."
"Now," He whispered urgently, he couldn't hold it back much longer, "I love you, see you…in a few minutes."
River slowly stood, letting Rory's arms envelop her. "He'll be fine," Rory whispered into his daughter's ear.
"I know," she nodded, swallowing. That was the last thing the Eleventh Doctor ever heard. He was enveloped in orange light, vaguely aware of his own voice being torn from his throat as every cell, every strand of DNA, every fiber of his being was rewritten from the ground up in searing heat. He heard the whispers of his other regenerations, speaking all at once, giving suggestions as his body rebuilt itself. Finally, after what seemed like a whole other lifetime, the regeneration was over with a gasp of new life.
The first thing he heard was, "Oh, hell no."
He blinked and looked down at himself. His clothes now hung loosely off of him, his trousers pooling on the floor. His shoes felt awkwardly big. Alright, well…he was a sight smaller than his past regeneration. His eyes dragged upward and they stopped on a pair of…well…something he wasn't quite sure what to do with.
Did he have breasts?
He, or rather, she, squeaked rather loudly and clutched at them, "I have breasts!" she paused, "Oh. That's…oh…this…this is not right. My voice… it's all…girly. I liked my other voice!" She let go of her chest and reached up to paw at her rather long hair. Rory, Amy, and River were all staring at her with collective slack jaws.
River was the first to speak, watching the new Doctor tug at her hair and nearly go cross-eyed at trying to see what color it was. "I can't- I can't do this…not on my real wedding day…"
The Doctor let out a shriek of delight and a giggle, completely unaware of River's comment, "I'm ginger!"
"What are you going to do?" Rory whispered to her.
River shook her head, "Well she can't stay like this. I'm not marrying her like this, and I'm going to marry him!" She whipped out her gun.
The Doctor blinked, "River…what-?" Her eyes widened as she realized what River was going to do, "No! You can't! Look! Look! I'm-"
No! Of all the- of course the one time she'd get to be ginger, the Universe would make her female as well and then River would shoot her! She was seriously going to cry! Oh! Cry? She never cried! Was this what the time-of-the-month felt like? The power of her regeneration coursed through her, and once again, her lovely, girly voice was ripped from her throat.
In two heartbeats, he was back, with yet another gangly form and mussed hair, chocolate-brown eyes and a pointy nose. He glared at River, "I was ginger!" He yelled, "Ginger!"
"You were female!"
He huffed, "Impossible woman."
"-and you love me." She said, blowing the smoke off her gun and walking up, taking his face in her hands and kissing him. "I rather like this regeneration."
The Doctor pouted, "Only you, River, would manage to kill me at both our weddings."
She chuckled, rewrapping her hand into the band of scarlet silk as he did his.
"Just shut up and say 'I do'."