Ok, so I haven't written a oneshot in a while. This is just a random little idea I had.
Also, I'm in the process of moving to AO3 (archiveofourown.org/users/TardisInWonderland/pseuds/TardisInWonderland). I won't delete this account, but I may post less on it after a while. In progress and newer fics are being relocated.
"Doctor," a very peeved redhead began, "Let's not do that again."
"At all." A man removed his helmet, voice echoing in the metal.
"Ever." A curly blonde said quite firmly.
Amy, Rory, River, and the Doctor all walked through the TARDIS doors in various states of dishevelment. However, the Doctor didn't seem to show it quite as much as the others, though it was mostly in his attitude rather than the clothing.
"Well, how was I supposed to know that Lewis Carroll had a portal to another dimension tucked away in his bedroom closet?" he asked indignantly, removing his coat and ridiculous top hat and hanging both on the hall tree to the left of the doors. River shook the heavy folds of her ridiculous blue dress- it was period dress, but rather uncomfortable. She'd gotten rid of the bustle, but it was floor length with elbow length sleeves and a tight bodice, and not the best thing for running in by any means. Amy had a similar dress on (red with black accents rather than blue with white) in a similar state (Ripped and dirty. Also wet.), and was in the same mood (annoyed).
"You're the one who wanted to go visit him!" Rory said, pointing a finger. He'd wound up in full armor and was struggling with the medieval closures. River helped him out, having some experience in this area.
"Not a problem." She said, making quick work of the breastplate and arm pieces. The Doctor plopped down on the pilot's seat with his feet up on the console, Amy swinging her legs beside him.
"I thought you said he was on drugs?" she asked, leaning back with a groan.
"I thought he was!" The doctor said, gesturing wildly. "I didn't know he was sleepwalking into the actual Wonderland! Even though it really isn't Wonderland, it's actually-"
"Doctor!" All three stopped him with a warning look. They were not up for time space babble just now.
"Tough crowd." He sounded like a disappointed child.
"Doctor, you do realize we were almost eaten by a bandersnatch, right?" Rory asked, the last pieces of his armor finally removed. He'd stolen it from an old shed in the other dimension.
"It was beautiful, wasn't it?" he was positively gleeful!
"No! No, it was big, and scary, and it had teeth!" Amy said, gesturing with her hands in the shape of claws, not unlike the Weeping Angels looked when frozen… albeit Amy had a frightened face, not a frightening one.
"Well, I'm not the one who nearly beheaded the queen of hearts!" the Doctor snapped with a pertinent glare at Amy.
"It wasn't on purpose! Croquet ball apparently fly a lot faster in that dimension…"
The Doctor snorted. Between the four of them, they'd nearly been eaten by a wild bandersnatch (not their fault- Carroll had provoked the beast), killed by the Queen of Hearts, burned to a crisp by the incredibly dragon-like Jabberwocky, and almost drowned in the pool of tears!
Which would also be why River and Amy's dresses, along with the Doctor's coat, were still dripping water. The fabric was just extremely heavy and very absorbent. In truth, Wonderland was a much more deadly place than described in Carroll's books, though considering the story was told through the eyes of a little girl… well, it was possible that the experience had driven him mad, anyways, no drugs needed. They might never find out his thought process.
"Really, sweetie, you might want to do some more research next time." She said, shooting him a stern, but not unkind, look.
"Well, look at it this way. I finished out a piece of history." He shrugged. Rory raised an eyebrow.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, sitting down on the steps. It had been a tiring day, and armor wasn't comfortable for sitting.
"You hadn't figured it out?" The Doctor's eyes lit up with almost childlike joy, as if he knew a secret that the others didn't.
"Clearly not." Amy arched an eyebrow and crossed her arms, waiting for an explanation.
"We landed pre-Alice in Wonderland, and we closed the portal when we left."
"At least you're not calling it a magic door any longer." River muttered. The Doctor looked extremely confused for a minute.
"Rose told me." River smiled slyly.
"When did you talk to- never mind." He waved the thought to the side. "Anyways, the answer should be obvious. Look at what you're wearing." He gestured around.
"Yeah. Ripped, dirty, bloody heavy dresses!" Amy said gesturing to her and River. "And stolen armor." The Doctor sighed.
"No, no, no- you're not getting it." He said. They looked at him blankly for another second before River laughed, walking over towards him.
"No." she said, a slight smile on her face. "You're joking."
"I'm not!" he laughed with her, and suddenly realization lit up Rory's face.
"Are you seriously trying to say that River is Alice in the book?" the centurian asked, not willing to rise. The Doctor shrugged playfully.
"Well, she's blonde, she's wearing blue, and she did take quite a bit of pleasure in muttering 'curiouser and curiouser.'" It wasn't a lie- River had made a bit of a joke out of it, actually, as Carroll had seemed to think he was dreaming for most of the time.
"And you're obviously the Mad Hatter." River said, fighting the urge to laugh even harder. The Doctor only smiled- Mad Man with a Box only logically went to Mad Hatter.
"Oi! My hats aren't that bad." He tapped the tip of River's nose, as was his habit.
"Sure they aren't." Amy rolled her eyes. "But if she's Alice and you're the Hatter, who are we?" They thought for a moment, rolling over possible characters in their heads. Obviously not the king and queen of hearts, as they'd met them already…
"Rory's the White Knight." River said decisively. "Minor character, but important." The Doctor agreed.
"And Amy's the Red Queen." He said.
"Hey- I am not the Queen of Hearts!" she cried defensively. "I do not behead people."
"No, Amy," Rory shook his head. "They're two separate characters, remember? The Queen of Hearts is in Alice in Wonderland and the Red Queen is in Through the Looking Glass, and she isn't exactly evil either. Just… annoying."
Amy walked over and lightly batted Rory on the back of the head for that one. Suddenly River's face paled, and she sobered.
"What?" Amy said, aware of the change. "What's wrong."
"Through the Looking Glass."
"What about it?" Rory asked.
"We forgot about the mirror." River said.
All four immediately jumped to their feet and ran back out the doors, wet clothing and all. The portal in the closet might be closed, but they still had to take care of that blasted looking glass!