Pain. Pain. Pain. Life is painful. Life isn't fair. Life isn't ever fair.
I used to think that I'd have my fairytale ending. I thought Beck was my knight in shining armor. I thought...I thought I loved him. I thought I was at least bisexual. I thought we'd life happily ever after. Apparently not, since I realized I wasn't as attracted to him as I convinced myself I was. It's really difficult to explain, really. Boys are really simple. At least as far as I can see. Having sex with a boy...is so simple. So easy. It's like...they all want the same thing. They all want to just shove their dick inside you until they come. But for girls it's different. Every girl is different. Like a little puzzle that you have to solve. And I like that. At least...that's the conclusion I came to after I realized I hated having sex with Beck.
Okay, so it's not just the sex that bothers me. It's also the fact that boys don't seem to have any emotional depth. I feel like...having a relationship with a girl is just so much deeper and emotionally interconnected. Plus, girls are all gentle and sweet. Even I have a gentle side to myself, though I'll deny it if you tell anyone. There are so many different sides to a girl's personality; again like a little puzzle. And I want to solve that puzzle. I know that Tori has slightly darker side of herself. If she didn't, I would have gotten over her by now. But I can tell that she has some sort of insecurity she's hiding underneath the exterior of happiness and rainbows she displays.
The rest of the week passed by rather quickly. I had to go to church again on Friday, like always. When I got there, the worship team was practicing in the other room. I was in the conference room hanging out. I pulled out my headphones and put them over my ears to block out all the sounds coming from the other room. After awhile, Cat showed up.
"Hey hey!" She says, bouncing over to me. I let my expression remain passive as she sits next to me. I pull off my headphones. "This is Daniel." She motions over to the boy awkwardly standing in the corner. I nod at him, and he sits down in a chair. She examines my expression quietly, and leans over and wraps her arms around me. Her red hair hangs down and covers both of our faces and she whispers softly to me.
"Are you okay?" I don't respond, and she pulls away after a few more moments, nodding. "Hey you can go explore if you want to." She says to Daniel.
"Okay. What's there to explore?" He asks.
"Uhhhhhhhh...I don't know, actually. This place is pretty small. But you can go upstairs!" She says, smiling with all her bubbliness at him.
He walks out, and she sits next to me, grabbing my pearphone to see what I was listening to. I pull a little white box out of my purse and set it on the table without saying a word.
"What is that?" She asks softly. She works the top of the box off gently. Inside the box was a necklace. There's 3 charms on it. One is a piano, one is a music note, and one is a quartz crystal. I bought it the day before for Tori. Not many people know, but Tori has a secret passion for playing the piano. Which is why it made me think of her when I saw it in a store yesterday. Too bad I'll never give it to her, huh.
"It's pretty..." She murmurs, and I give her a half-hearted smile.
"Too bad I'm never going to give it to her, huh." She puts the lid back on the box and hands it to me, beginning to scroll through my music library again.
I should explain something first, actually. Cat isn't the bubbly, ditzy little girl everyone thinks she is. She's been through a lot. We've been best friends since we met in seventh grade. We hit it off, even though we were polar opposites. Or at least that's what I thought. In eighth grade, I started cutting. When I told her about it, I honestly wasn't expecting much out of her. Maybe some ditzy little response like "What's that?" But no. She didn't. And that's how I came to know the dark side of Cat. The one who used to cut. The one who attempted suicide before transferring to Hollywood Arts Junior High. The girl I could always depend on, always trust with my darkest secrets. I came to know the real Cat.
The music from the other room blares wildly, the sound bouncing off the walls of the room we're currently in. I cover my ears with my hands and duck my head down, my elbows resting on my knees. It's no use. I can still hear them singing. They're mocking me. I can still hear the pity in their voices when they found out I didn't get in.
"Oh, it's okay. You can still try again next time."
"Jade?" Cat says softly, pulling me in so that our foreheads are touching.
"I don't want to listen to them," I whisper softly. I dig my fingernails into my scalp as I feel tears form. She pulls me closer, and whispers condolences in my ear as I begin to sob into her shoulder.
"Look, you don't need to be in worship team, okay? We need you in the audience. We need you to lead us. And I heard her sing, okay? You're better than her."
"But I wanted to be in worship team." I whimper. "It's not fair. I was the only one who actually practiced." And it's true. I would practice every single day. And they didn't. They never practiced. They all bullshitted the audition and still got in. "None of them wanted it as much as I did."
"Look. We need you in the audience, okay? We need you to keep us on key." She laces her fingers into mine and squeezes gently. I begin to cry harder, and she holds me tighter against her body.
"I-I talked to Lilianne about me l-liking Tori," I whimper softly in between my hyperventilating, sniffling, and gasping.
"Y-yeah. Sh-she made me cry." She squeezes my hand again.
"Do you want me to talk to her? I'll go talk to her right now..." Cat stands up, and I link my arm in hers.
"N-no," I stammer. "D-don't leave me."
"Okay," She sighs, and sits back down. She takes my hands in hers and silently swings them between us. I pull my right hand away to swipe at my nose and eyes a few times.
"Oh, you know Daniel?" She says softly, smiling. I nod. She lowers her voice. "Don't tell anyone, okay?"
"Of course not," I whisper back.
"Well, he and I...we kind of like each other," She whispers softly. She begins grinning like an idiot.
"Wait, why did I only just find out about this?"
"Well, you know how my mom was in the hospital?"
"Well, I was visiting her a few times and he texted me and found out about it. And so now he's always asking me out to dinner and he always offers to pay for things for me and he actually holds the door open for me and everything," She's absolutely beaming at this point, and I give her an almost-real smile. "And a few times I would be crying in the hospital, and then he'd text me and I'd start grinning like an idiot and people would think I was insane."
"Kind of like what you're doing now?" I smirk at her.
"Oh, shut up." She whacks me playfully on the arm.
"Hey guys! We're starting!"
"Cmon," She says. She grabs my hand and tries to drag me over to the worship room.
"No," I whine softly, the tears beginning to form in the corners of my eyes again.
"Please," She says, pouting. "For me."
"No..." I say again, but more in a "I don't want to, but okay." kind of way.
She drags me over, and I sit there with a stubbornly blank expression on my face, even as she tries to get me to interact with her.
And all I can think about is how I probably won't survive this stupid worship session.
A.N. Tell me what you guys think. Good night.