Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or settings from the Noughts and Crosses series by Malorie Blackman, although I sure wish I do :)
I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't even begin to cut it, but I have to say it anyway. I'm sorry for all this, for the injustice of the world, for all the obstacles that you had to face. But mostly I am sorry that I couldn't hold you one last time and show you how much I love you. Yes, love in present tense. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving you, Callum. Not even when I'm old and gray, not even when moss covers my gravestone. Not even when I'm nothing but dust.
I still can't believe it, you know. Every footstep that I hear makes me turn around, looking for you. It's as if I expect you to pop around the corner, your grey eyes smiling as you take in my stunned face. But of course it doesn't happen. I still haven't gotten it through my stubborn heart that you won't be around anymore. Which is why I'm sitting here today, the sand coarse beneath my feet and the stormy ocean in front of me. Maybe, just maybe if I conjure up as many memories of you as I can, then you'll appear right in front of me, your head tilted slightly and your brown hair windswept. Did I ever tell you I love the way you look at me, as though I really am the centre of your universe?
Oh Callum, what happened to us? I thought our love made us untouchable, but how wrong I was. It happened like a whirlwind, these past months. I've rushed through everything, done so much and thought so quickly that I haven't really gotten a chance to really feel it all. And now, when you're no longer beside me, I finally get all the time I need to think over my decisions. I don't know anything anymore, Callum. I don't know whether what I did was right or wrong. I don't know if my choice is for the better or the worse. I only know that my heart is so battered, I don't think it'll ever be whole again. Don't laugh or call me a drama queen, Callum; I seriously feel as though you took a part of me when you left.
We're so young, Callum. We were, anyway. Only teenagers. We haven't even gotten a real juicy slice of life yet, and we're both already gone. I've grown a decade in the last months. I don't want to grow up anymore, Callum. I wish we could rewind the time and stay children forever. Then heaven would be just a block away, a walk down the beach or a picnic in Celebration Park. But I'm an old woman and a teenage girl stuck in a body responsible for more people than just myself now, and you're a whole world away. I think every day about you and our child, and I am so scared. The bump on my stomach is just visible now, and I have some time yet before I meet our baby, but six months is not long enough. I don't want our child to come into this world, Callum, just for the sheer reason that our world is a very cruel one. I don't want him or her to be as hurt as we've been hurt. Perhaps with both parents fighting, he or she would've made it through unscathed, but I'm alone. What if I can't do it, Callum? What if no matter what I do, someone will break our baby's heart as they broke ours? If only you're here, Callum.
I love you so much, you do know that right? I think you said you loved me too, in those very last seconds we had together, but the cynic inside me keeps telling me that it's just my wishful thinking. If only I can hear you say it again, your breath burning through my heart like it did that night. Oh Callum, that night was the best night in my life. It still is, and I know it will always be. You know, I thought that we would have so many more of those ahead. At least I had hoped so anyway. I can see you shaking your head at my naivety now, your grey eyes smiling sadly at little innocent me. I know that the world hasn't turned out to be the wonderful placed that we thought it was, but we had always found ways to work around it before. Who would've known it would turn out like this? And for the very first time the possibility of them being right becomes very real. Maybe love is not enough to conquer this world after all. Because what did our love do to us but killed you and left me equally dead? Maybe they were right and we were wrong.
But we can't be wrong. I can feel the warmth of your love now, even though you've been gone for more than a week. It's as though you're looking over my shoulder, your arm wrapped tightly around mine, your heart beating the same rhythm as my aching one. Do you remember our first kiss, Callum? If I could go back in time, I would slap myself for being so stupid in pulling away. I would gladly have infinite cricks in my neck just to have your mouth on mine one more time.
I miss you so much Callum.
I love you so much Callum.
And I will for every breath that I'll take in my remaining years.