A/N: The second part of a birthday present for my LLBFF, allthecompanions. Happy Birthday.
I know I'm a little late on the Post 3x01, stories, but it took a while to get all of this out. Kind of angsty, but I promise you, it'll end up Rizzles. So enjoy the ride, and Review.
Lies. That was all Maura could think about right now. All the lies she had been fed, especially in the past 48 hours. All the lies she had been told all her life. During her childhood and young adulthood, there weren't many significant ones that she had known of. But once she started working at the Boston Police Department, it seemed that lies were piling up left and right. Thinking about it, she realized the irony of it all. Maura couldn't and wouldn't lie to save her life. But other people had no problems lying to her. In fact, she thought, she could make a mental list right now.
-She had never had siblings. Lie.
-Her mother- her adopted mother- hadn't known Paddy Doyle. Lie.
-Doyle wouldn't have shot Jane, even if he had gotten the chance. Lie.
-Her biological mother wondered about her. Lie.
-Her biological mother even knew she was alive, let alone been adopted. Lie.
-Jane would never hurt her. Lie.
Maura was sitting at her infant self's empty grave again. She had returned that night. After Jane had left in the afternoon, Maura only stayed for a little longer. But now she was back, recalling all the lies she had been told. Jane would never hurt her. Well, she wasn't sure about that last one. Jane. Jane had always seemed like the last person to ever hurt her, be it physically- which wouldn't happen on either of their lives- or emotionally. Maybe that was why it hit so hard and was so hard to comprehend when the moment of truth really did come and Jane really did hurt her. But then again... had Jane really ever directly caused any pain to her, intentionally or otherwise? No. There was always an outside force involved. There was always some rogue cop. Or some psychotic serial killer. Or some guilty mob boss.
It was true. Up until a few years ago, when Maura had met Jane, she had constantly operated alone. Jane's companionship filled that hole for a little while, but now this. Jane was gone. Maura had driven her away, and wrongly at that. Maura had foolishly picked the wrong time to choose science over emotion. Blood relation over implicit trust. She didn't know how much of a stake she had driven between herself and Jane, but she knew that it was mostly her own doing, and that she would be doing the apologizing whenever the moment came. If it would ever come.
Maura was more than just a little aware of the feelings that had begun to arise for Jane. But she had tried so desperately to fight them off; to keep them down, extinguish them. It wasn't logical to have feelings for Jane, much less fall in love with her. Jane was, in order of least to most important: a woman, her colleague, straight, and her best friend. Add to that list the events of the past couple of days, and there was no way Maura would ever acknowledge her feelings fully, let alone relay them to anyone or act on them at all. Because it simply wouldn't work with Jane. With that in mind, another lie came to Maura's mind: Jane would somehow forgive her for all of this. Lie. This conclusion broke her heart.
Jane and Maura didn't have a lot in common, but one of the things they did share was their almost primal sense of self preservation. When scared, certain animals would retaliate and attack- quite angrily and ferociously. Jane obviously possessed this quality. And only with her recent outbursts at Jane did Maura realize that she also held this trait. It definitely wasn't something she was proud of, and she doubted Jane appreciated it either. Her relationship with Jane had always been something she liked to call hyper-platonic. It was just on this side of the line separating a platonic relationship from a romantic one. Well, until now. Now, after Maura's snap, the relationship was just on this side of the angry/deadly line. And she would rather be angry than dead. But Maura would have given anything to get rid of all the lies and have any kind of relationship with Jane in which they enjoyed each other's companionship. Whether that meant embarking on a romantic relationship with the detective or just being friends, she didn't care.
Maura never yelled. It was true, she never did. She thought it pointless, and almost as bad as lying. Maura always thought that yelling never did any good; not to the person yelling or the person being yelled at. The receiving party was always too focused on the volume of the words to even register what exactly they were being told. And the person yelling was so absorbed in the opinion that increased volume was needed in order to get their point across, that half the time the words didn't even make sense. Maura thought that, like cursing, yelling was belittling to the English language. Therefore, Maura never yelled. But lately, it seemed, she had no control over the words that came out of her mouth, hence the "catfight" in the morgue earlier that week. Jane was bringing out the anger in her, making her forget all her logic; breaking down all the compartments and walls in her mind that were conveniently put there in an effort to stop this kind of problem.
So she could yell with Jane. She could yell at Jane. She had no choice. Jane would choose to spite Maura and ignore the words, focusing solely on the degree of her voice. But after some time, Jane would have to hear the actual words, too. She was a detective; that was just how she worked. So Jane had no choice either. And Maura could defy her logic and defy her pride when she yelled at Jane. Because Jane was worth it.
It was with these thoughts that Maura picked herself up off of her grave, dusted herself off, and headed to her car. It was with these thoughts that Maura started driving to Jane's apartment. She didn't care how late at night it was. It didn't matter what Jane was doing right now. It wasn't important that Jane might not want to see her after the way Maura had treated her. Right now, she just needed to vent. And apologize. And do what she needed to do. And Jane would just have to sit- or stand, or pace, or whatever else- through it.
Maura stood outside the apartment door marked number 12. She had been standing there for the past few minutes, trying in vain to come up with something rational and of importance to say. It wasn't particularly working. But the doctor knocked on the door anyway, hoping that the almost-adrenaline would kick in and she would come up with something intelligible. Maura always worked well under pressure. She just hoped that this wasn't too much pressure.
Jane swung the door open. The picture was almost identical to the one Maura had seen a year ago after Jane shot herself. The jacket, t-shirt, sweatpants; they were all there. The only thing missing was the bowl of cereal. "You. I thought the last words you would speak to me would be 'Tell Pike I want my chair back.'" Her words were laced with an air of disdain. Apparently, the attitude from a year ago had been kicked up a notch.
Maura snuck into the apartment from under Jane's extended arm before Jane could come to her senses and shut the door. And there it was: the cereal bowl filled with Lucky Charms and chocolate milk and a spoon was sitting on the coffee table by the television. Surprise, surprise.
Jane turned around and folded her arms when she spotted Maura again, a little embarrassed that the doctor had been able to, once again, pull that sneak on her. She does that so often. I need to learn. "Do you need something, Maura?" The hurt and disapproval was painfully evident, but Maura did nothing to calm Jane. She just did what she came to do.
"Jane," she started. Motioning to the couch, she said "Please sit down."
"Maura, this is my apartment. You won't tell me what to do."
Maura stalked up to Jane, pushed her over to stand in front of the couch, and set her hands on the detective's shoulders. "Jane. I am going to pace and I am going to have a long monologue. So I need you to listen. And I need you to sit." She punctuated her words with a force down on Jane's shoulders, pushing her onto the couch. As promised, the doctor started pacing around the coffee table, to the TV, and back again. She recounted all the insight she had gained earlier that night.
"Okay. You know I can't lie to save my life. But lately, I've been lied to a lot. It was mostly Doyle, but I can't help but think if the lies spill over to other aspects of my life. I may simply be paranoid, but I can't help it. I have to know. You always said you would never hurt me, and I always believed you. And I had no reason not to. But you shot my father, and now he's a paraplegic. And he's my blood, so it hurt me. You hurt me. But then I thought that you never hurt me intentionally. There was always someone else. Bobby Marino. Hoyt. And now Doyle. But I've pushed you away. And now we have this rift and I don't know what's happening and you'll never forgive me." She paused to take a breath, and Jane interrupted.
"Stop. Stop there." She stood. And here the yelling was starting. "You think what about me? That I hurt you? That I lie to you? FANTASTIC!" Maura actually caught that sarcasm. "You don't lie to anyone, Maura. So the least I could do to somewhat level the playing field is to not lie to you. But since you're so hell-bent on finding out everything I've never told you, go ahead and ask anything you want right now! And look! It's 11:11, perfect timing. Make a wish, Doctor Isles."
Maura was surprised, to say the least, at this turn of events. Somehow, Jane had taken control, like she always did. It outraged the doctor that this could happen, but she knew she couldn't blame Jane. It was just her nature as a detective and as a self-protecting person. So Maura found herself obeying Jane and answering to her request, even if she was yelling back. "Lie to me. Lie to me right now, Jane. If you've never lied to me before, then obviously, this will feel different for me and for you. So do it."
Jane was equally stunned at the doctor's bluntness, and decided to test her resolve and anger. "Lie to you? Maybe I'll just tell you the truth. It's up to you to figure it out. My life without you will be completely atrocious and pathetic. It'll be terrible. Because all you've done over the past years is make me better. And I can't imagine my life without you in it anymore. Because all I want to do anymore is be around you, be with you. And all I was doing in that warehouse was making sure you were safe, however you want to interpret it. And I want to keep you safe because without you in my life, life itself is a living hell.
"There. Is that enough of a speech for you to observe my orbital spatulas and tell me whether or not I actually meant that?" Jane stopped, short of breath from her lengthy address. She took a minute to recuperate, and then stared at her ex best friend, challenging her to answer.
At the words that came out of the detective's mouth, Maura softened her resolve a little bit. But only a little, and only for a second. Her eyes grew hard and cold again. "I don't need to examine or observe or calculate anything about you to know that everything you just said about me was a lie."
Jane grew incredulous, her eyes widening and her brows raised. "I'm lying? Really?" Maura nodded resolutely, not about to give this up. "Well if you think I'm lying, then this may come as a shock to you."
Just as Maura was about to question what exactly was going to come as a shock, Jane closed the distance between the two women. She placed each of her hands on each side of Maura's face and crashed their lips together. This particular kiss exhibited the very essence of Jane; passionate and caring, but insubordinate, powerful, and hard. But before Maura could react- either by kissing back or shoving Jane off of her- Jane pulled back. There was a certain look on her face, a concoction of mixed emotion, that Maura was sure no one had ever seen on her, and was sure no one would ever see again after this: determined and fierce, yet sheepish and suddenly shy. The look was gone just as quickly as it came, and the resolute, sarcastic 'cop face' took over once again. "Well, what do you think about that? Was that a lie, Doctor? Because if it is, I'll have to ask you where the HELL you got your degree."
As Jane just picked up her cereal and trudged over to her kitchen, Maura tried to recover from her slight vegetative state. "Wh-…No…Not a…" It wasn't working well for her.
"Well, it seems… has the esteemed and accomplished Doctor Maura Isles actually been rendered speechless? Well, I must say I'm very proud of myself." The sarcasm was just spilling freely off Jane's tongue.
That was when the blonde popped herself out of her blank state and stalked over to the still angry and sarcastic and slightly smug detective over by the counter. She put her hands on the counter on either side of Jane's waist, effectively trapping her. "You. Need. To. Stop. Being. Sarcastic. And you need to stop. Being. So. Smug." Maura was so close to the detective, all she needed to do to make sure she was being understood was lean forward slightly. Jane was clearly intimidated by the blonde- something that didn't happen often at all- and it didn't take much for her to clearly understand her. "You were obviously not lying. No one lies that convincingly. Especially not to someone like me." She got out of Jane's face and leaned back. "So then, why now?" Maura suddenly seemed a lot calmer and more put together. It helped Jane collect herself as well.
"Why now? Because there's never been a more desperate time. Because I couldn't take it anymore. Because you were practically asking for it. Because I can't live without you. Because I love you, and letting you out of my life without you knowing that would be the biggest lie and the biggest mistake of my life. That's why now." There was that sheepish smile again, and Jane leaned into Maura and planted one more soft, chaste kiss on her lips.
Maura returned the kiss. "You never lie to me."
It was more a statement than a question, but Jane still wanted to make sure that Maura knew exactly how she felt. "No. Never. Never have, never will. I promise."
And with that, Maura started making a mental list of truths.
-Jane loved her. True
-She loved Jane. True
-Jane would never leave her. True
-Jane would never hurt her. True, always and forever.
The list went on and on, encompassing all arenas of her life, and there was no room for lies. Especially when Jane was around.
So, how did you guys like it? Enough of whatever? Tell me! Reviews make the sun come up. :)