"Well, well, well."
Kurt quirked a brow. "Hello, Jack Harkness," he purred. "How's tricks?"
Jack smirked, swaggering over in Kurt's direction until he was standing uncomfortably close before him, arms on either side of Kurt with palms flat on the desk atop which the boy was sitting, trapping him in place. "You know, speaking of tricks..."
Ianto loudly cleared his throat and glared.
Jack was crestfallen and pulled away. "Oh, right. You're not quite legal yet." He looked at Kurt with hope in his eyes. "Are you?"
Kurt clucked. "Now, Jack, you and I both know you have my eighteenth birthday circled on your Big Ships of the Navy calendar, and that day is not today. Also, you really shouldn't try and bait Ianto, or I might just take him away from you."
Jack sagged, pouted, and scoffed. All at the same time.
Kurt smiled brightly at him and teleported away, landing in front of a startled Ianto.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Jones."
Ianto inclined his head. "It's lovely to see you again, Kurt," he said quietly, a soft smile on his face.
Now it was Kurt's turn to pout, which he did spectacularly, including a full lip wobble and big doe eyes. "I expected a warmer greeting," he said dolefully. With that, he launched himself at Ianto, wrapping his arms around the man's neck and relaxing bonelessly against his tall frame.
"You can hug me back," he whispered. Loudly.
Ianto rolled his eyes and gingerly hugged the boy.
Kurt wriggled with happiness and snuggled more deeply against him.
Ianto was vastly bemused by how Kurt was playing this, especially considering Jack's negative reaction to all of it. He well knew of Kurt's past crush on him, and whether or not it was still in effect, he was content to play it up. It galled Jack that Kurt didn't respond to his flirting at all, except to make fun of him for it.
"How are you?" he asked politely.
"You don't have cataracts," Kurt said, smirking, "so you tell me. Haven't you noticed that I've...filled out?" He punctuated the statement with a full body assault, pressing himself against Ianto from head to toe.
Jack leaned against the vacated desk, crossing his arms over his chest. "Oh, it's been noticed," he drawled.
Kurt turned in Ianto's arms and stuck his tongue out at Jack.
"I've often dreamed of that tongue," Jack said.
"Hope springs eternal," Kurt chirped.
"Kurt," Ianto said, "not that we're not glad to see you, because we are..."
"Very glad," Jack emphasized.
"...but why are you here?" Ianto finished, snarling at Jack.
Kurt looked up at him with wounded eyes. "I can't just drop in to see my favorite Welshman?"
Ianto beamed at him, not buying it for a second, but flattered nonetheless.
"I think the better question," Gwen began, bristling and puffing up, "is how he got here."
Kurt giggled and waved his fingers at her. "Magic!"
Her mouth fell open and she stared. What?
"Ianto's is a reasonable question," Jack said. "We're always happy to see you, Kurt, even though for some unfathomable reason you prefer him to me, but why are you here?"
Kurt gave Ianto a saucy wink, squeezed his butt, laughed at the resulting yelp of indignation, and then danced away.
"I was in the neighborhood," Kurt said lazily, walking around the Hub and looking with interest at some of the technology on display. He turned on his heel and stared at Jack somberly. "I was very sorry to hear about Tosh and Owen, Jack. You should have called."
Jack flinched. "That was a difficult time. I didn't want to bother you. You didn't even know them."
"But I know you and Ianto. You're my friends and they were yours. I would have come."
Jack blushed lightly at the affirmation of friendship. He didn't have many friends, real ones, and he was never quite sure if Kurt truly regarded him as such.
"You must be Gwen Cooper," Kurt said, holding out a hand. "My name is Kurt Hummel. It's nice to meet you." He peered more closely at her. "I've heard all about you, of course, so now would be an excellent time for you to defend yourself."
She shook Kurt's hand reluctantly, giving him major side eye.
He rolled his eyes and released her. "If you can't think of something nice, don't think at all."
"That's never been her strong suit anyway," Ianto muttered under his breath.
Kurt snickered as she glared. "I'm a witch, honey. I teleported here from Ohio, via a brief layover in London. I'm also telepathic, so you can save the perfunctory pleasantries you're about to deliver. FYI, I have zero interest in Jack, so what little remains of his virtue is uncompromised, at least by me." He arched a brow. "You do know he and Ianto are together, yes? Oh, and that you're married?"
Gwen flushed horribly.
"Facts she forgets all too frequently," Ianto hissed.
"Telepathic," she slowly repeated, enunciating clearly each syllable.
"I see Hooked on Phonics worked for you," Kurt dryly remarked.
Ianto burst out laughing and Kurt smiled winningly at him.
"What do you mean you're a witch?" Gwen asked, only willing to dismiss his slights because she was far more interested in his claims.
Kurt blinked. "Did you have trouble following that?"
"She has trouble following Hollyoaks," Ianto said.
Kurt shook his head. "That's just sad." He turned to face Gwen. "I'm a witch. I use magic. I have powers, of which teleportation and telepathy are only two examples." He curled his fingers into claws and raked the air in front of her face. "Woooooo."
Ianto and Jack sniggered.
"In other news," he continued, "I'm a former Companion of the Doctor."
"The Doctor!" she exclaimed.
Kurt sighed. "The reality of his fame is tempered only by the discomfort he has for it."
Gwen opened her mouth to retort, but was cut off by Jack.
"We noticed the occupancy of our holding cells increased just prior to your arrival."
Kurt's face lost all trace of mirth as he nodded. "I apologize for the lack of warning, but the situation was dire and I knew I could trust you to handle them." He shrugged. "Besides, they're technically your responsibility, so I thought it best to leave them in your capable hands."
"Who are they?" Ianto frowned. "Are they human?"
Kurt snorted. "Allegedly. The woman is the ringleader. Her name is Mrs. Pratt. The two goons are Dmitri and Klaus." He eyed Jack. "Rogue Torchwood One agents."
Jack's face settled into a grim visage. "I need details, Kurt."
Kurt nodded. "Of course. I was called to London to assist in a retrieval, and stumbled upon those three idiots."
"What did they do?" Ianto asked.
Kurt kept his eyes on Jack. "They kidnapped Sarah Jane and her son to get to the Doctor."
Jack's eyes hardened as his face drained of color. "Are she and Luke all right?"
"They are now." He paused. "How aware are you of what Sarah Jane does?"
Jack averted his eyes. "I keep tabs on her."
Kurt scoffed. "I'm sure you do," he said, believing that Jack didn't know half as much as thought he did. "When Luke and Sarah Jane were taken, Maria Jackson discovered I once traveled with the Doctor and sought me out."
Ianto frowned. "What about Martha?"
Kurt shrugged. "They didn't trust UNIT. I did advise them, however, that Martha was unimpeachable, and should something like this happen again, they were to contact her and me."
Ianto nodded, having developed a soft spot for Martha the previous year.
"Why not turn them over to UNIT?" Gwen asked.
Kurt nodded. "A logical question. The short answer is that I gave them that option, but they resisted. The real answer is that they mortally offended me, and I felt better giving them to Jack because I honestly don't know what I would have done to them otherwise."
Ianto stared. "The Doctor can take care of himself, Kurt," he said gently.
"It's not about the Doctor," Kurt replied. "It's about the fact that our good friend Dmitri had every intention of killing Sarah Jane and then raping and killing Luke, a fifteen year old boy."
Ianto's eyes hooded.
Gwen calmly withdrew her gun and released the safety.
Kurt watched her with approval. He could almost like her, had she not been such a monumental bitch to his fair Ianto.
"But they are all right," Jack reiterated, needing to be sure.
"They're just fine," Kurt said. He paused. "Sarah Jane and I had a long talk. I found myself quite in awe of her," he said softly. He looked at Jack and cocked his head. "It was very cathartic. If you ever need to discuss...things, I'm always willing to listen."
Jack regarded him for a long moment, surprised and grateful for the offer, though most likely he would never take Kurt up on it. His time with the Doctor - well, those several times - was something he had never, and would never, discuss. It was private, and it was painful.
"I appreciate that," he said. A devilish gleam suddenly dawned in his eye. "Perhaps I should have such a discussion with Sarah Jane. After all, she's much closer than you."
Kurt nodded. "By all means. I would just punch you for your advances. She might actually kill you, and that would leave me to comfort the grieving and adorable Mr. Jones."
Ianto bit his lip to keep from laughing and shook his head.
Jack heaved a dramatic sigh. "One of these days, I'll have you."
Kurt snorted. "Firing a gun at you, maybe." He waved a dismissive hand. "I'm seeing people, Jack. There's no room for you." He winked at Ianto. "Though I wouldn't be averse to adding a certain Welshman to my harem."
Ianto arched a brow. "A harem, is it?"
Kurt's eyes gleamed. "It means forbidden." He flashed the man a sultry look. "Would you enjoy doing forbidden things to me, Ianto? I assure you, both Mike and Sam do."
"The boyfriends, I assume," Ianto said. "Pictures?"
Kurt grinned, pulled out his cell phone, and began scrolling through his photographs. Almost at once, Jack and Ianto were all but on top of him. Gwen elbowed her way in because, even though she found this china doll to be outrageous and obnoxious, he was also just as fascinating.
"That's Sam," Kurt cooed, gazing down at the picture.
"He's incredibly handsome," Gwen said. "And those lips!"
Kurt flashed a leering, megawatt smile at her, which she returned.
"I wouldn't kick him out of bed," Jack said.
Kurt glared. "Don't make me send you to Easter Island." He raised a brow. "Again. You know how you are about the Moai."
Jack shuddered. "Don't joke about that."
"I could write a spell to give you incurable erectile dysfunction."
Ianto anxiously cleared his throat.
"Oh, very well," Kurt sighed, rolling his eyes. "And this is Mike!"
"Ooh!" Jack squealed. "An Asian!"
Ianto and Gwen blinked and then stared at him.
"How droll," Kurt said. "Yes, Mike is Chinese. He drives very well, doesn't own a camera, and in the horror movie that is my life, has not been the first to die."
Jack had the grace to look sheepish.
Kurt turned off his phone and dropped it into his bag. "Well, that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for playing our game."
"You're dating both of them?" Jack asked. "At the same time?"
Kurt smirked. "Is that your unsubtle way of asking if I'm involved in a true ménage à trois? Because the answer is yes."
Jack was impressed, and not a little envious. "If you ever need some advice..."
"I'll ask anyone but you," Kurt interrupted. He clapped his hands together. "Okay! My dad and stepmother will be looking for me soon, and I need to check in with my friends."
He turned to Gwen. "It was nice to meet you, Ms. Cooper." He stared into her eyes. Just to be clear, you need to let Jack go, because there's no way in hell it will ever happen.
She startled, blinked, made the appropriate departing comments, and scuttled away.
"Do I even want to know?" Jack whispered.
"Probably," Kurt replied, "which is why I won't tell you."
"How about a hug goodbye?"
Kurt gave him another side eye. "I'll settle for a handshake."
Again, Jack pouted, but acquiesced, all but molesting Kurt's hand and wrist with his fingers, Kurt laughing the entire time.
"I would like a hug from you," Kurt cooed, batting his eyelashes at Ianto.
Ianto smiled and hugged him tightly. "I'm glad you were able to help Sarah Jane and her son. Do stay in touch, won't you, Kurt? It would be nice to hear from you when there isn't imminent doom."
Kurt snorted. "And when would that be?"
Kurt smiled and, before Ianto knew what was happening, pressed a quick, hard kiss to the man's lips. "It's not cheating if you inform them beforehand," he drawled, "and they both know how much I've always wanted to kiss you."
Jack released a squawk of vexation, though no one, including Jack, knew as to whom it was directed.
Ianto blinked owlishly.
"More than just a teaboy," Kurt whispered to him, before spinning on his heel, waving at all of them, and disappearing.
No one said anything for a long moment.
"I like him," Gwen announced, more to herself than the others.
"He's an evil little moppet," Jack said. He smiled. "But he's a really good boy."
Ianto ran a finger over his lips and remained silent.
"You're back!" Brittany shrieked, tackling Kurt when he popped into his bedroom. "I was worried."
"Absolutely nothing to worry about, Sweetness," Kurt said, smiling and hugging her back just as fiercely. "There was no major trouble, and I was never really in danger. I was able to help people, and the best part is that I think I made some new friends."
She nodded. "Friends are important."
Kurt narrowed his eyes. "What did you see?"
"Oh, nothing," she said nonchalantly, playing with his hair. "I'm looking forward to meeting Maria, though."
He blinked. "Maria Jackson? I think you'd like her."
"I will," Brittany said. "She and her daddy are moving to DC soon." She widened her eyes. "We can visit, right? I've always wanted to see the U.S. Mint." She clapped her hands. "Do you think they make other flavors, too?"