It's been two years since she died.
When it comes to her, I never forgot a moment. Not even when she was dying and bloody in my arms. I still remember every word she said, every moment I witnessed of her, every second of perfection.
I forget everything else a lot though. How could I not? I only think of her.
Everyone says I should move on. Closure, mourning, grief, denial, obsession: all words that they say again and again. They don't know. They don't understand.
She was perfect. She was a part of me-no, she made up me. My heart beat with hers. Hers isn't beating anymore. I don't think mine does either. It shouldn't.
She loved me. I loved her. We were bonded closer than the DNA we shared. Every move she made I understood. I could know how she was feeling or what she was thinking just by a twitch of her lips, a shrug of her shoulder.
They all laughed at us. We were a party trick, the two loveable freaks. Watch Rin, if she moves her arm Len will move too. Watch them sleep; they sleep like they are aware of each other's every breath. Ask Rin what Len is thinking, she'll be right. Make Len angry and Rin will be the only one to calm him down. Watch them, they're different. They're weird. They're unnatural. They're freaks.
They didn't understand the pain Rin and I felt from simply being apart. Just standing close to another hurt. Touching Rin's arm, kissing her, breathing the air she breathed relaxed us both, made it hurt less to be two instead of one.
Twins. Always two. Now one. No sister. No best friend. No lover. No soul mate. No twin. Nothing. Nothing is left.
If I could, I'd go back and just watch her breathe. I'd tell her how much I loved her. I'd go back and jump in front of that bullet, catch that small steel cylinder of hell in my body so it wouldn't reach her. No matter how deep it would be buried in my body, no matter how much it hurt, I'd do it. If only I had known.
I don't know what to do. I want to be with her. But she can't be here. I want to be there. I want to die. But she said no. She made me promise, with her last breaths. It was one of the most important things she wanted to say to me. I cannot defy her. I cannot hurt her like that.
Rin, Rin, Rin. Please no.
Every morning is hell, because every morning I think I hear her breathing. But when I open my eyes, she's not here. Just me. Breathing, even if I don't want to. How I wish I could see her.
The last time I saw her, really saw her, she was in my arms. Blood trickled out of her perfectly pink lips. She still smiled.
There was so much blood the police thought I had been shot as well. When they came to take her away, I wouldn't let them, even though she was gone. I couldn't. They had to fight me back, pry her from my hands.
After that, I don't remember much. They say I went mad, trying to reach her body, fighting off three police officers who tried to restrain me. I painted their cars with her blood, screaming and howling as I spread the red everywhere on everything. They say the sound was so unnatural and so full of pain it hurt to hear. Like an animal being tortured. When they finally got me in a straightjacket, I passed out.
I was mute for a while, not speaking at all. If Rin had been there, I wouldn't have needed to speak, because she would speak for me.
When I was three, I stopped talking, and no one knew why. Rin knew, but she wouldn't tell. But she did tell them what I wanted, what I would have said if I had tried. There would be no charades, no sign language. Rin just knew staring into my eyes.
They say I wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep. I wanted to see her, but they wouldn't let me. To this day, no one has told me that Rin is dead. I already know of course, but they have never said it.
It's kind of good. I like to pretend she's still alive. She's just hiding, waiting. She's going to surprise me. It was all a prank. I won't ever be alone, it's just a joke. I won't be alone for the rest of my life; she's just playing with me.
They let me go to the funeral, event though I "wasn't well." She was beautiful, but she looked sort of fake. They had everything about her perfect, even down to her favorite perfume. I could smell it when I leaned over her casket. Its lining was white and pure. Perfect for her.
The only thing that was wrong was that she wasn't smiling. I whispered to her to smile, everyone was going to be looking at her. But she didn't. So I did, for her. I smiled widely, trying to smile like she did. She had the prettiest grin, so open and quick and happy. She was so full of light and life and joy.
I was in a suit. She always laughed when I wore a suit. I wanted to wear her favorite shirt, but they said no. She was wearing her favorite sundress. She was so beautiful. If she had been awake, I would have kissed her, hard until she didn't have any air. Then her heart would beat fast trying to make up for the lack of air. I would listen to it. She would run those slim fingers through my hair like she liked, and we would be happy.
They asked me why I was smiling. When I told them that I was because Rin wasn't, they looked upset. They told me to stop. But I couldn't, even when they talked about her life.
They all said wonderful things about Rin. I cried, but I still smiled. For her.
I wanted to talk, but they said no. They said it wouldn't be good for me. They said it would be best. So later, I stood by Rin's grave after she was buried and whispered what I would have said to her. Just her.
She didn't say anything back.
Her gravestone reads BELOVED. Beloved what, I wonder. To me, she was beloved sister, beloved friend, a lot of things. But she is not BELOVED. That is not Rin. She was loved, but that says very little about her. It should say BEAUTIFUL or LOVING or KIND or PERFECT. Rin was loved because she was so kind and loving. BELOVED she was, but it was not what defined her.
I left a flower there, and her necklace. They gave it to me, but it's not mine. It's hers. The flower was orange. She loved orange.
I wish she would come back. I wish I could be with her. I want to be with her, so, so badly. It hurts so bad that sometimes I can't cry, and sometimes I can't breathe because I'm crying.
I'm alone. I'm hardly ever alone anymore. They're all worried about me. They think I'll do something "rash." I just want to take a walk.
I do walk. I left my coat, which strikes me as funny. Rin was the forgetful one.
It's cold, and I'm walking far. But time passes so quickly right now. Sometimes it's very slow. But I barely remember walking. I just know when I'm here.
This is the street we were walking on. That's the store that was being robbed. We were holding hands. Rin was taking a picture of us; the thief thought she was taking a picture of him. He had a gun. She had a hole in her chest.
Its empty now, the world is. Its night, I think. It's snowing. It was never this cold when Rin was here, right?
Even the streets are empty. A car passes by maybe once as I stand there. I wish I could rewind, try again. Start over. I close my eyes. Maybe if I try, her hand will be in mine and it will start over.
No use. I want so much to be with her. I'm sure she's an angel. But does she miss me?
I walk slowly into the street, crunching the fine layer of snow that has stated to collect. Maybe if I wait here, she'll come. My Rin.
I feel warmth and turn, seeing headlights in the distance. I watch them come closer then walk further into the road. She will come, we will finally be together. The lights are coming closer, and I throw my head back and my arms out to the sky.
Where's my angel?
Depressing, I know. Sorry ;-;
I'm alive, hooray. If you follow Broken Fates, Im so so sorry ;-; I'm having problems with depression and other stuff...I just recently posted a new chapter.
So no review replies this time, Im sorry! Im seriously tired, but I'll do my best to keep posting, and defiently reply to reviews next time! Each one means a lot to me, please know that.