Episode 3: Just For Laughs Ponyville!

It was a perfect night for comedy. A cool breeze ushered ponies into the comfortable seats and warmth of the Ponyville theater.

After a few minutes of preparation, the master of ceremonies trotted on-stage, and the crowd quieted down.

"I'd like to thank everypony for coming tonight! We've got a great line-up for you, and to kick things off, please stomp those hooves for Dead Pony Bounce!" He trotted back offstage as Pinkie, Zen moved up to the microphone, Rainbow carefully balanced a guitar between her hooves and Applejack sat at a set of drums.

We were young and fancy-free,
We never had that much to do.
The world was made for kids like me,
In the summer of '62.
We were too young to be blue.
We never had that much to do,
But then we found something to do.

Oh, remember that summer when we killed that guy?
The way we tortured him? The way we watched him die?
The way we mangled his corpse on the railway line?
That sunny summer's day we killed that guy!

We were young and full of fun;
Was just a matter of time before we killed someone.
There was nothing special about that guy;
He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And I remember it was Pinkie's idea,
To make him swallow half his cut-off ear.
But, what we did with the baseball bat,
I take full credit for that.

Remember that summer when we killed that guy?
The way we tortured him? The way we watched him die?
The way we mangled his corpse on the railway line?
That sunny summer's day we killed that guy!

"And the guy we killed went:" Applejack intoned in a dark voice, and Zen screamed to the tune of Elton John's 'Crocodile Rock'.

"Oh, my God! Oh, Celestia and Luna, please! Oh, please stop!"
"Is there a doctor in the house?" Pinkie asked, and a brown coated stallion stood, a metal tube like device in his mouth. "...No, thank you, sir, a MEDICAL doctor, thank you. Oh, please! Please, STOP!"

# # #

Zero slowly jogged on stage, pausing to catch his breath. "I might be moving a little slow tonight, I had a Hot Pocket for dinner..."

"Glad to see I'm not the only white trash here tonight..." Zero added, smiling, drawing another round of laughter.

"I buy Hot Pockets! I go into the store Yeah, I get these." Zero said with a dopey smile, before continuing. "I've never had a hot pocket and then after been like I'm glad I ate that, I'm always like I'M GONNA DIE!"

"I PAID for that?" Zero cried in disbelief, "Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts... Ooooh..."

"By the way, has anyone looked at the box for those things? They have a WARNING printed on the side now, it's like WARNING YOU JUST BOUGHT HOT POCKETS!" Zero shouted, "Hope your drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly enjoy the next NASCAR event." Zero paused.

"Hot Pockets..." He sang quietly.

"Hey, I like NASCAR!" A audience member yelled.

"He's a jerk." Zero noted, "You never really see that on a menu when you go out to dinner. Let's see, I'll have the Cesar Salad and the Hot Pocket. Or you're at a fancy restaurant and the waiter comes and tells you the house specials."

"Tonights Specials; we have a sea bass, which is broiled, and we have a Hot Pocket... which is cooked in a dirty microwave, and that comes with a side of Pepto." Zero said in a posh voice.

"Is your Hot Pocket cold in the middle?" Zero asked in his normal voice.

"It's frozen. But it can be served boiling lava hot."

"Will it burn my mouth?"

"It'll destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a month."

"I'll have the Hot Pocket."

"Hot Pocket!" Zero sang again, waiting for the crowd to quite down a bit.

"Hot Pockets, you know... they haven't been around all that long. Like ten years or so now? How'd they come up with that idea anyway, was there just some guy in a board meeting, I got an idea! How bout we fill a Pop Tart with nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve... thing, you could dunk it in the toilet." Zero whispered to the audience, "He's weird..."

"There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket, for those of us who don't want to eat meat but still would like diarrhea."

"Should just come with a roll of toilet paper. Diarrhea Pocket..."

"You ever notice there's no dignified way to buy toilet paper, you always have to buy it in that multi-pack of like 18 rolls? Put it in your cart and everyone in the story is like Does that guy ever leave the bathroom? What, is he living off of Hot Pocket? Hot Pocket!"

"There's the Lean Pocket, I don't even wanna know what's in that. Can you imagine the instructions? Take out of box, place directly in toilet." Zero paused, then shrugged, flushing an imaginary toilet. "Flush Pocket..."

"They recently introduced the breakfast Hot Pocket, FINALLY." Zero said, "Frankly, I can't think of a better way to start the day! GOOD MORNING! You're about to call in sick."

"Now you can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch and be dead by dinner." Zero noted, "Dead Pocket..."

"I was watching some game show and this guy won a lifetime's supply of Hot Pockets." Zero paused, "That's not a prize, that's a death sentence. Murder Pocket..."

"I do love that jingle, you think they worked hard on that song?" Zero lowered his voice, "What've you got so far Bill?" Zero's voice became weazy and quiet, "Uh... Uh... Hot Pocket..."

"That's good, that's very good, not as good as your Buy Menen, but it's good. Now, what are we going to run in Mexico..."

"Calientai Pocket..."

"You've got a gift, my friend... Don't hide that in a bushel basket..."

"I recently saw a commercial for a chicken pot pie Hot Pocket," Zero noted, "Now they're just messing with us. Before long," Zero switched his voice to a feminine tone, "Have you tried the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It's a Hot Pocket filled with a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket! I'm gonna go stick my head in the microwave, Hot Pocket!"

Zero became quiet, "He went crazy up there, I didn't know what he was doing at the end, I thought he was on drugs or something, very weird..."

# # #

"Alright, everyone, please give it up for Sharky Bhoy!" The announcer hollered as Sharky walked on stage.

"Hello!" Sharky called, a smattering of greetings coming back, "That last guy was quiet good, wasn't he?" Sharky paused, nervously shifting around.

"Ahem..."

"So is everyone enjoying their comedy festival?" Sharky asked, and the crowd gave a loud round of applause before quieting down again. "Most of you, the rest of you are actually from Ponyville. I've never been in a town where there's just so much going on in one calendar month, Comedy Festival, Jazz Festival, Book Festival! Ponyville is like one giant foal with ADD that just need to be CONSTANTLY ENTERTAINED! Try a night in." Sharky joked, smiling.

"So I've been enjoying my time in Equestria, traveling and seeing the sights," He paused, "Well, as much as you can travel in Equestria, this place is STUPIDLY big. You get on a train and you ride for nine hours, you get off, look at a map, YOU HAVEN'T BUCKIN' MOVED! What's all that about?!" He cried, "We were HERE, we traveled for NINE HOURS, we must be somewhere over... Oh, come on, we're still HERE! Are you sure the train was running?"

"If you travel in Scotland, where I'm from, for nine hours, you'd be in the heart of the CZECH REPUBLIC! You'd have passed through eight countries!"

"So when I told everyone back home that I was traveling to Equestria, you know what everyone said to me?" Sharky asked, "Watch out for the bears Sharky, followed immediately by, if you see an angry bear, pretend to be dead." Sharky raised an eyebrow, "Really? It's a bear that ALREADY angry? The last thing I should be doing is playing a practical joke on the thing."

"Everyone seems to have tips for dangerous animals, I recently toured in Australia, and when you get up you have to brush turtles off your face, kick kangaroos out of your bed and they all look at you like, Not so friendly in the morning, are you Sharky?"

"When I first went to Australia, I thought the kangaroo was a sacred animal, thought it was very rare, like a leprechaun. But they're all over the place! Hundreds are killed on roads every year!" Sharky grinned, "Personally, I think their legs are too long, can't properly reach the break. Little arms can't grab the reins."

"So when I was going to Australia everyone had advice for me, and you know what really stuck out? Watch out for the kangaroos Sharky, but only the male ones!" Sharky frowned, "I don't have time to check! Can't exactly stop a kangaroo, Could I just frisk you for a dick? Ah, you don't scare me ma'am, no, hoppity hop."

"However, I learned this really neat fact about kangaroos, you know a kangaroo is getting ready to attack, it will suck it's testicles..." Sharky paused to figure out how to phrase the rest of his sentence, and laughter resounded, "Haven't finished talking yet." Sharky chuckled, "I don't mean they'll literally suck their testicles, can you imagine that, I'm gonna get you!" Sharky made a loud sucking noise, "But no, they will suck their testicles up into their body to protect them! I wish I could do that- well, actually, hell, any stallion in this room wishes they could do that. Be the toughest stallion in Ponyville! Walk in any old bar, Alright, who's first? It's all we're scared of"

"But my favorite story, this is a true story by the way, my favorite story about watching out for dangerous animals, I was in the northern part of Australia, I decided to visit Kakadoo National Park, where they have the wildlife preserves and stuff, right? And it's about a day before I'm scheduled to go, and I'm watching the news, and this report comes on saying that two alligators had snuck into the tourist part of the park, on their own, obviously, I don't think they joined a tour. That'd be a bit weird wouldn't it? Two please." He paused, frowning.

"Well we definitely booked, you'll just have to check again!"

"Crocodiles are amazing creatures, you know, they're very fast! It looks slow, doesn't but in fact a crocodile is actually faster than the average stallion over the first hundred meters! I don't know how many Aperture Test Subjects it took to find that out, Go on dude, you can do it! Oh, no, unlucky, unlucky, alright Ray line the next one up! But it is also a master of stillness, a crocodile can lay motionless for nine hours, just waiting for some... German backpacker. Didn't read the paper that morning, Valtzing Matilda, Valtzing Matilda, Yah Come A Valtzing Matildaaaaaaaaah!" Sharky sang before dissolving into a scream of terror and pain.

"Thank you everyone, and goodnight!"

# # #

Author's note: Sorry if the first skit wasn't all that great, I had written it better, but I couldn't find the original I had made, so... Hope you enjoyed, and each skit is the property of their respective owners.