A/N: Tah-dah... Yet more crack. I really gotta stop doing this *Facepalm* I think Ukki-Kun is going to go all Bankai on my ass soon enough for putting him through this crap. Ah well its keeping me amused... heh-heh.
Disclaimer: Not mine... T_T So suck it lawyers.
Dedication: To LazyNezumi for entertaining the hell out of me, making me smile like a crazy person and Tabbycat33098 for being an utter gem.
Rating: Um... Yeah... has to be an M really doesn't it...
A Little Less Conversation
There were occasions where Ukitake Jūshirō wished he wasn't the 'Go-to' guy of the Seireitei. He generally wasn't opposed to being a source of comfort, wisdom and understanding to the numerous Shinigami in the soul society but even he had boundaries. And today those boundaries were being massively crossed because of one Kenpachi Zaraki, who had decided to dump his adoptive daughter in his care for the day because she was asking too many questions.
Flicking a few strands of white hair out of his face the elder Captain stared down at the young pink-haired girl sat in his lap eating sweets and then shot a helpless look at his friend who was trying to keep the shit eating grin off of his face.
"Knock it off Kyōraku or I will knock that smirk off your face." He muttered just loud enough for Shunsui to hear.
"Oh Juu-Kun you wound me, I'm merely here for your assistance."
Hazel eyes narrowed in annoyance.
"You mean your entertainment and I'm not in the mood for your antics."
Shunsui couldn't keep the grin from cracking across his face and his voice was full of wry humour.
"Well that too, I wouldn't miss this for the world."
It was at this point that Yachiru had finished her sweets and turned wide dark pink eyes up at Ukitake, a look of confusion crossing the deceptively innocent face.
"So Ukki, what did you want to talk to me about? Ken-chan said you wanted to give me a talk about birds."
Jūshirō could feel his friends silent laughter and wrestled to keep his stretched temper in check, reminding himself that it was not Yachiru's fault that she was surrounded by a bunch of clueless, immature, cowardly (Admittedly the only time he would ever call Zaraki a coward) morons, too afraid to explain the facts of life to their lieutenant. Therefore he was being a responsible adult by cluing in the young pinkette about certain things and it would be beneficially to the young lady to have the knowledge at her disposal.
That however didn't mean he had to like it.
It also didn't mean that there wouldn't be hell to pay afterwards.
Oh yes there would be hell to pay.
Steeling his resolve he gave the young girl... lady a gentle smile and tried to fight down the blush that was staining his cheeks. Taking a deep breath he prayed to whatever deities were hanging around that this would be mercifully short.
"Well Yachiru-chan Zaraki-san thought it was time you learnt about... well becoming a lady..."
Pink eyebrows furrowed in confusion as Yachiru tried to process what the older man was saying.
"What do you mean Ukki? I'm already am a lady aren't I?"
Jūshirō scrubbed a hand across his face; he should have known this would be anything but easy.
"Of course you are Yachiru-chan but as you get older um... certain things will happen to you as you grow... you'll begin to think and feel differently."
"Oh you mean like Booby-chan! I'll get some of those things"
Yachiru grabbed her chest in joyous celebration and jumped up and down on Ukitake's lap causing the elder to wince as she landed on a particular sensitive spot.
"Yes, like Rangiku-san... But there are other things as well..."
Jūshirō cursed his pale complexion as the blush that was spreading across his face was easily noticeable to anyone who happened to be passing by. The little pinkette saw the blush and started giggling madly and went to pinch his cheek.
"Aww Ukki is blushing..."
"Yachiru-chan... I'm trying to be serious here."
The eleventh lieutenant paid him no heed and continued to pinch his flushed cheeks and Ukitake wondered whether he could fake an attack to get out of this mortifying situation. He shook his head, no he'd agreed to this and he was going to see it through to the end no matter how mentally scaring it was turning out to be.
A small cough brought him back from his thought and Jūshirō turned his gaze to his friend, who was still smiling that annoyingly smug grin at him.
"I think the little lady wants to know about these other things."
The white haired man scowled mentally before turning his neutral face to the little madam perched in his lap.
"Yeah Ukki... I wanna know, I wanna know."
Taking a deep breath and steadying his nerves Ukitake began his explanation
"Well when you get to a certain age... You start to change both physically and emotionally..."
"Boobies like Jiggles right?"
Shunsui snorted beside him and he just rolled his eyes, honestly was everyone in the Seireitei obsessed with Matsumoto's bosom?
"Yes, but there are other things... your body will start to develop certain urges toward people..."
Jūshirō looked down to try and see if the youngster had taken any of what he had said so far, her bright eyes sparkled with curiosity but unfortunately not understanding. Her next words confirmed that.
The Captain nodded and tried to decipher the best way to describe the situation to this most unusual child.
"Well... Your body will want to... Uhm..."
"What my esteemed friend is trying and failing to say is that your body will want to make babies and to do that you'll have to have sex."
"What! You were taking too long..." The dark haired man smirked.
Ukitake glared murderously.
"Kyōraku, I swear on Kaien's grave that if you say one more word you will not live to see then end of this day."
"You told me not to say anything and when you swear on Kaien's grave you're usually pretty serious." There was a pout on the other mans lips.
Jūshirō bit back the scream of frustration working its way up his throat, hopefully not along with a plethora of blood. Instead he took a deep steadying breath and fought to regain his composure seriously wondering why he hung out with the other man.
Oh right that was it.
Lots and lots of free sake.
Composed once again he rather cautiously turned his gaze back to Yachiru, to find the pink eyes blinking up at him.
There was a sigh.
"Yes Yachiru-chan, sex..."
Ukitake shot a look at his friend reminding him to stay silent.
"Well sex is something that two people do when the care very much for one another."
"You mean like Ken-chan and me?"
Both of the older Captains had to fight down a wretch at that particular mental image, it was too horrifying to even begin to contemplate. Banishing it from every recess of existence he continued with his explanation.
"Um... Not exactly, Zaraki-san loves you like a daughter... This is a different kind of love."
Again the pink eyes blinked owlishly in confusion.
"Well Zaraki-san cares for you and wants to protect you that's family love; this kind of love is more..."
Shunsui chuckled to himself at the seething look on Ukitake's face but wisely decided to keep his mouth shut for the remainder of the conversation; after all he didn't want to be the recipient of the man's wrath. He was rather looking forward to seeing the sickly man snap and take a few people down a peg or two. Jūshirō had been bottling up his anger for quite some time, an unfortunate hazard of being known as one of the nicest people in the Seireitei. But as the eighth Captain knew all too well it was impossible for anyone to be that nice all the time, even Jūshirō, and his friend was certainly going to surprise a few people when he lost it.
He held his hands up in mock surrender and pulled out his bottle of sake as a peace offering. The white haired man's face softened slightly and he nodded, but the warning in his eyes was still clear.
Confused by the exchange Yachiru tugged on Ukitake's haori trying to garner the man's attention.
"Um... Ukki what does Shun-Shun mean?"
"Well he means that the other kind of love is more... raw than the family love you and Zaraki-san share. You get strong urges to touch and be intimate with your partner and that eventually leads to sex."
Finally there was a glimmer of understanding in the pink eyes and Jūshirō's heart leapt.
"So sex is what happens when you find someone you want to touch and do things to."
"That's right Yachiru-chan."
"So how do you have sex?"
All thoughts in Ukitake's brain came to a screeching halt, even though he had been expecting the question it didn't stop the shock of the question coming from the mouth of one so young any less.
"Well... Um... You know that girls and boys have different... parts... down there..."
There was a slow nod and the white haired man was grateful for small mercies.
"Well when a man likes a woman in a sexual way their part becomes... erect... and when a woman likes a man they become... moist."
Again there was a slow nod as Yachiru followed what the elder man was saying and Ukitake tried his best to keep the blood from rushing from his cheeks.
"If they both agree, which is very important Yachiru then the man will... Uh put his erect part inside the moist part of the woman..."
The captain cringed at how pathetic he sounded but he really didn't want to go into details with Yachiru.
"And that feels nice?" There was genuine shock on her face. "But the girl is getting stabbed..."
Jūshirō bit his lip and tried to figure out the best way to put this without traumatising the young girl or himself in the process
"Um... well there are like little buttons inside the woman's moist part that makes it feel good for her..."
"Ah... So do I have these buttons?"
"Well yes..." Ukitake said hesitantly.
"Show me Ukki! Show me, show me!" The little pinkette's voice was full of enthusiasm.
The Captain of the thirteenth division gaped like a dying fish and went as red as Renji Abarai's hair. Behind him there was a smothered shriek of laughter as Kyōraku tried his damndest not to fall off his chair in a bout of extreme laughter.
"I... Uh... Yachiru-chan that wouldn't be very appropriate... One; I'm much older than you... And two... Well it's just not right okay. You'll have to find them on your own... And with someone you really care about"
There was a small pout on Yachiru's face but she didn't push the subject any further.
"So... the erect bit pushes these buttons inside the moist bit so then what happens?"
Ah, straight back to the topic at hand.
"Well both the girl and boy kinda move against one another and eventually they will have a moment of happiness and the boy will squirt some liquid inside the girl..."
"EEWWWWW! GROSS!" The childish scream made Jūshirō chuckle as the lieutenant looked horrified.
"Well some people put things called condoms over the erect bit to stop the liquid going inside the girl, this also stops her getting pregnant."
Yachiru still looked a little traumatised but she caught on to what the white haired man was saying, nodding to herself she climbed off the Ukitake's lap and flashed him a big grin.
"I think I understand now, you explained it a lot better than Ken-chan did. He just showed me a video and didn't really tell me much."
Before Ukitake could reply or even pick his jaw up from the floor the young woman had vanished from the room, leaving a bemused Shunsui and a confused Jūshirō in her wake.
Wait a god damn minute...
He'd been set up.
That son of a bitch had set him up.
Across the Seireitei lying comfortably in the Eleventh Divisions barracks Kenpachi was suddenly hit with a wave of killing intent and smiled serenely to himself. It had taken time but it appeared he was going to get that fight out of Ukitake after all.
A/N: Uh... I meant to have this up yesterday but I kinda fell asleep while finishing it off oops. Poor Jūshirō I do like to mess with him... Apologies for probably the worst sex-talk ever though... *Blushes*