I never expected this calm fluidity that has settled in my life. Most nights I spent alone, either grieving, or perhaps mulling over the things I wanted, or once had that can never be ever again. I sat in my room—bare and lifeless, like ghosts inhabited it rather than a single being. I kept nothing personal for a number of reasons, and still I managed to discover the one thing I never truly believed in.
There's nothing like the overwhelming feeling of care. It's ridiculously satisfying once you feel it, I can't really deny that. But it's even more shocking when it comes from you. I wasn't very used to it in the first place, so you can imagine how blindsided I was when you started showering me with it and reintroducing me to all these feelings. How ironic was it that though I found this pesky emotion to be useful, it had to be from the most affectionate idiot around. I guess that's the god I don't believe in messing around with me, right?
It comes as a natural thing for you. It's easy for you to do this to me, make me feel it more than words can describe. But how do you know, how could you know for sure that you could pull me out of the darkness in my heart and fill it with light? The fact that you tried at all, I'll admit, was the first thing that drew me in, though I made certain you didn't pick up on it.
It didn't sit well with me at first. When I already belonged to the order with no real way to get out, with you showing up I honestly had no hope for your lasting presence because of who you are. No, not the type of person I made you out to be—who you are as a whole. I made you look like a naïve fool, and you ran with it which served me well considering I didn't expect you to be this retarded. To some degree, yes, it was inevitable, but not what reality brought me. But you aren't just blinded by love and care, or just driven by your emotions. It's a large factor of you, but not the only thing present in your heart.
I learned through the forced days of living with you that there was always a negative to your positive, always an unexpected to your expected actions. And while I already knew the downside to accepting the invitation into your heart, I found that I couldn't just say no. I looked into the pale beauty hidden in your eyes, knowing that from the very beginning that I could never get rid of you. You were stronger than I expected; no matter what I did or said you always found a way to spring back. And you even came back with some revenge of your own.
That in itself made me really start to wonder, and before I knew it I was tangled in the web of desire, sworn to deal with this for the rest of my life. I wanted you in ways I'd never thought I could want anyone. Never did such thoughts cross my mind, innocent and dirty as they were, and what scared me most was I wasn't bothered by it like I thought I'd be. Though every part of my being was telling me to be wary of you and stay away, with each passing day I found that I could go less and less time without you… until I needed you.
I've never needed anything. Not you, never the order, not friends, nor family—not even a decent meal to get me through the day. Why do you think I eat the same thing every day? For fun? Just like I never needed anything in my life, no one ever needed me either. And I was fine with it. Relying on others was not the way to survive, and so I never did.
Being needed and needing are two very different things, and I found that both were happening at the exact same time in less time that it took for me to use the bathroom. For someone as dense as you, I don't know how you managed to do this to me—make me feel something I've thought unnecessary for so long.
And even as the anger boils inside me, the confusion rises, and my mind still sits in recovery from the massive blows it continues to receive, I find that because it was only from you, that that actually might be okay.
A/N: I wrote this today. Working on Kanda's point of view for once since I mostly do Allen's. Thoughts would be much appreciated :)