Warnings: language, loads of it and general strangeness. Ooc and AU of course.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, I make no money of this writing.
Pairings: oh there's going to be ...not in this chapter though.
An: I'm telling you, this is going to be a strange story...really odd one, with random events and silly ideas. It's also to be taken lightly and with humour if you would, please.
The beginning is a bit lengthy...
It was the middle of the winter and the weather naturally was ghastly, blazing cold wind blew from the north freezing everything in its way and the heaven was full with heavy clouds of snow.
In such a wintery evening when the day of light had left leaving the city in the artificial lighting he scurried down the street to the lively house that he knew will be warm and welcoming despite its crazy residents.
He was cold, he was freezing, his teeth clattering and his muscles shaking terribly trying to warm him up. His platinum coloured hair blended with the falling snow and his pale skin tone did the same.
He snickered, he must look like a glob of snow with two violet eyes moving down the road. Too bad the kiddies were indoors, he would love to see their faces seeing something like that. His silent snickering was interrupted by a vicious breeze and he fought for a moment to get some oxygen in his lungs.
Man, he was going to rip the blond bitch in two for making him go for sweets at this hour and time...and weather! He loved the fucker as a friend but seriously... it was a damn blizzard.
Yes, it was true, he was literally kicked out of their shared house to go and buy sweets...yes, yes hilarious.
Deidara the aforementioned blonde was a terrible sweet tooth but the blonde was nothing compared with Itachi Uchiha the Sweets Destroyer, Itachi though asked him not to go at such a weather and just for that gesture he had brought sweets for Itachi as well... and only because of that gesture!
The blonde being his friend knew that he won't murder him in cold blood like he really wanted to do, the blonde did this too often for comfort. He meant like, why him? There was Pein living with them and Sasori...and that dog they called Chibi for unknown reasons, since the dog was probably heavier than him. One ugly animal, huge like a fucking horse and he swore it had better appetite for meat than Itachi had for sweets.
But that was beside the point, the question was why was he out in the open in a middle of a snow storm with a huge plastic bag full with fucking sweets like a fucking Santa Claus and furthermore he-Hidan hated sweets! You could call him the Hidan who hates sweets. And why it was him who...oh he was whining again, he shook his head shaking himself. Just few more steps, be strong.
Oh he hated them alright... he hated those asses, he called friends, they were probably all cuddled in one big warm heap on the couch. He could imagine them, heads thrown back laughing about some stupid joke on the television all warm and comfy while he was outside freezing to an ice cube and looking like a glob of half melted snow. Oh he hated them with passion.
Deidara for being too damn girly to get outside to get his own sweets and for always yelling, no, the blonde didn't fucking talk, he yelled, he jabbed a finger at your chest and fucking yelled in your face as if the loudness would make you agree with him. oh and he hated the blonde for trying to show art down his throat, that's right the blonde was trying to gag all the house inmates with art... that's a reason good enough to hate.
He hated Pein for being a fucking rich bastard owning the warm house in which he wasn't right now, no he was on the street still too far from it and his teeth, he was sure, were starting to crack from the clattering. Yes, Pein's a sorry motherfucker for owning the house and letting them all poor students to live there. Okay so that wasn't true they were all rich bastards but that's beside the point too... the point was...where was he? Oh yea, Pein...nah, that was it about the orange haired freak... oh, oh yea there's more why Hidan hated Pein. Pein loved piercings, like really loved them, the guy had full face with them and he always bragged when he got a new one. Last week he was spending the afternoon trying to watch a new horror movie he had bought but he couldn't, because Pein was showing a fucking pierced nipple in his face asking did it look sexy. Poor Itachi had to endure that too, the Uchiha nearly went into seizure, all red in the face and trying to push Pein away without touching the half naked guy.
Oh yeah, and he definitely hated Pein for stealing a kiss from Itachi, the orange haired guy was drunk though and didn't even remember it the next morning...but whatever...dick! You just don't go around kissing your friends, you know... yeah...whatever...
Sasori he hated because...because...well he couldn't think of anything right now, he was sure his brain was frozen. Sasori was quiet and never poked the little cute nose into anyone's business so the short redheaded guy was okay Hidan presumed, but still when you live in one house with four guys, your worse qualities come out sooner or later, it didn't take long for Sasori to completely crack before them and go berserk, it had something to do with Deidara barging into Sasori's room while the redhead was...playing with puppets. After that the blonde was pretty much chased around the two story house screaming bloody murder along with 'Sasori's playing with dolls, unnn!' suffice to say it only made Sasori throw random paintings from the wall at said blondes head. Few of them made contact.
Itachi he hated because...because Itachi was right now most probably sitting on their living rooms couch all warm and his usual kitty self... he meant...bitchy self... yeah, that's what he meant...seriously! No but seriously Itachi was their kitty, he would never ever say it aloud but he knew they all think it. oh don't get him wrong Itachi was no cupcake...nope...not at all... the pale and long haired guy was silent and calm and divine (he didn't say that last word.) but Itachi was no cupcake Itachi just liked to consume cupcakes, Hidan shrugged, it was a mystery how the ultimate sweet tooth remained so tiny and slender because everyone knew Itachi's blood is long since replaced with liquid sugar. But wait... this was about why he hated his friends...yeah so why he hated Itachi... because...because...
Oh look he was finally home.
He opened the door, the warm air nearly blasting him off his feet, gasping he stepped inside banging the door shut, he couldn't move...
He heard the soft padding down the hall and yeah there was Itachi hurrying to his side making a face of worry and brushing the snow off of his shoulders.
"God Hidan... you're going to catch a cold! Come let's get you warm."
Shaking he followed the raven haired young adult... that's why he didn't hate Itachi, Itachi was...cute.
He did as told as if he could move much, he couldn't even feel any of his limbs he was vaguely aware that a shock of blonde hair appeared and snatched the bag out of his frozen fingers leaving him in the hallway with Itachi... the blonde little nasty bitch didn't even thank him, damn it all.
His mood changed from foul to just bad when his heavy leather coat was taken off of him by Itachi and then small delicate hands were rubbing his arms up and down to warm him up, it worked. It worked better when Itachi's hands brushed the snow off of his head sliding the nimble fingers through his platinum tresses gently.
"You need something hot." Itachi murmured grabbing his hands and rubbing them.
Yeah Hidan agreed, he wondered could he have Itachi, please.
Yes...yes... what you thinking now...that's it! It's true.
He was gay.
Sorry ladies he liked cock and an ass, all right. Yeah totally, he was one of those guys getting all hot and bothered thinking of a nice cock he could abuse and hotter when he thought about a nice ass he could abuse. And he wasn't a pussy either... he didn't like pussies and he was no pussy, he didn't hide in a closet. His friends knew and guess what they were still his friends.
Okay so maybe, possibly they were gay too and that's how they all met in the first place but... whatever. The ones who shunned them for being gay, they weren't worthy in the first place.
"Say something, are you even alive?" Itachi stressed out cupping his face. he so wanted to respond and say something and maybe lean forward and claim those rosy lips, he could bet they were hot, just what he needed, but he was so damn cold!
"Come... I'll warm you up..."
Numbly he followed the black haired divinity hoping against hope that Itachi intended to use body heat.
Blanket... that's what he got instead of a preferably naked Itachi pressing up against his naked self...talking about ruined hope, eh?
Sitting on the couch and still shivering madly clutching the warm blanket to his body he observed Itachi as that one took off his heavy boots and in all honesty looked worried about him. He would be fine, he wasn't a wimp, so he might catch a colossal flue or something but he would be fine, he almost felt bad for making Itachi worry the sweet head.
"I'm fine..." he got it out all silent and raspy but at least he got it out, too bad it looked like it did the opposite to Itachi's worry.
"Oh god...you don't sound like you're going to be fine!"
He got his wish in the end...well, partly...but he was satisfied, he was sure he was even grinning dumbly with Itachi straddled his hips, their chest pressed together and Itachi's slender legs bent against his side giving him warmth, the blanket wrapped against the both of them, Itachi wasn't naked and neither was he, but he wasn't greedy.
Itachi's hot breaths on his neck made him want to pet the black shiny hair.
"Uh oh... you two are sexing up, un?"
He was going to kill the blonde nuisance! He turned the head to the side enough to see Deidara standing in the doorway sucking something that resembled a chocolate stick, he almost died because of that sweet the blonde was consuming and the bitch dared to mock him, the tanned pretty face stretched in a grin.
"Oh Hidan I knew you had it for Itachi... he's too hot to resist isn't he, un?"
That's when Itachi dived out of his neck and gave the blonde a glare even though Hidan being so very close couldn't miss the pink blush on the pale features.
"Hey Hidan..." the blonde chirped completely ignoring Itachi's glare and his clattering teeth. "Why was there milk chocolate and dango... I don't like those very much, un."
"T-they're for...I-Itachi..." he managed to get out cursing his body for hating cold so much, he really was a sucker when it came to cold. However as that was said he felt Itachi's delicate hands on his back move slightly, he didn't know what it meant...maybe a thanks.
"Ah I see...so...are you two sexing up, un?"
"Deidara..." Itachi's voice as usual was calm and calming. "He is very cold I'm warming him up and even if we would be sexing up it would be none of your concern, now bring me my chocolate and then go and run a hot bath for Hidan, it's because of you he's near death!"
"Okay un... are you going to join him in the bath, un?"
If Hidan could he would chuckle about the blondes usual teasing and he would smirk if he could feel his lips for Itachi's increasing blush, but he just remained there enjoying the petite raven haired Uchiha moulding their bodies together.
The next ten minutes he spent on the couch feeling the warmness return in his blood, while Itachi was pressed against him and munching down the chocolate like the sweet tooth he was.
"Thanks for the treat... my favourite..." Itachi mumbled when the sugary good was consumed by that pretty pink mouth.
Hidan had regained the ability to talk without sounding like stuttering fool. "No problem...and we all know it's your favourite Itachi, it's hard to miss it when you moan while eating it."
He loved Itachi blushing, that's why he said it in the first place... well, it was true Itachi really did let out small sounds of pleasure while eating the chocolate but the blush was so pretty and...adorable. Hidan had never met anyone he thought of as adorable and sexy at the same time...
Hidan grinned since Itachi couldn't see it, pressing the red face somewhere in his neck. silly Itachi...that's why he bought the sweet to begin with, to hear those little sounds...he wasn't going to say that though.
"The bath is all ready, un! Should I burn some candles for you two, un?"
"Well someone sounds horny today! Why don't you go and annoy Sasori hm?" he commented having his ability to talk back was a blessing. He saw the blonde blush faintly, heh he was just that good for making his friends blush...
Why Deidara blushed? Because the blonde wanted Sasori to fuck him, that's why. He knew and Deidara knew that he knew... he hadn't told anyone though... he wasn't really a bastard. Besides some things needed to be left private and it wasn't like he had wanted to catch the blonde in the shower humping his own fist and moaning Sasori's name. He hadn't wanted to be hit on his head by a bar of soap either but he guessed that was normal reaction to someone catching you masturbating. He could only hope that the bar of soap wasn't used as a lubricant...
When Deidara left the living room Itachi shifted on him crawling off...shame that...
"Okay...should I help you upstairs? Do you feel better?" Itachi asked standing up showing off that lithe delicate body he craved so much.
He could say'no'... He could ask Itachi to help him but he was tough, and he had to keep that image.
"I'll be fine 'Tachi...why are you so worried?"
Itachi's black eyes narrowed and then rolled in an annoyed fashion. "Because of tomorrow dumbass..." Itachi then looked at him just like he was looking at Itachi...silence stretched and he felt like he should say something.
"Oh god... you don't remember!" the black haired divinity then sat on the couch beside him, their knees touching, Itachi's sweet scent attacking his brain. "Pein's little 'bond journey'?"
Realization dawned on Hidan, of course he had forgotten... maybe because he tried to push it out of his mind.
He really, really hated cold, he really was sucker when it came to low temperature, that's why he truly hated Pein's little bond journey. They would all pack warm clothes and then drive off to mountains where Pein owned a house and then the orange haired man would force them to do bonding things like skiing or exploring the wonderful frozen mountains, Hidan just couldn't figure out what was so damn alluring and fucking bonding in freezing their asses off...
"Ohh...riight... I remember of course..." he lied nicely his violet eyes narrowing, he guessed he had a way out of it. "I really don't think I'll be able to go this year... I already feel all feverish and sick!" he said nodding his head as if to approve his own words, he even coughed a little.
"You just said you'll be fine!" Itachi said accusingly crossing the slender arms over the chest like an angry parent would do.
He looked to the side, he couldn't lie while looking into Itachi's black eyes so this would have to do.
"Well I meant...like...after few days I would be fine...but I'm definitely sick! Yeah!"
He tried to duck but he didn't make it in time Itachi smacked him right on his head and then grabbed his chin turning his face so he was forced to look in those damn alluring eyes.
"You're lying! You're coming even if I have to kick your ass constantly to get you to move, got it?"
It was futile, each and every time he tried to lie to Itachi he not only got discovered he also got hit on his head, sometimes even his gut...he nodded. Itachi totally owned his ass when it came to daily life despite the fact that the cute little raven was the youngest of them and definitely the cutest looking...Itachi fucking pawned and owned them all. Maybe that's why he so wanted to own Itachi in another way...the way with some pushing and moaning involved...
"Great! Now go and have that bath... I'll check on you afterwards, maybe you want some hot tea or maybe I should make you soup...mm?"
Itachi was also so damn caring for them, sometimes he forgot to appreciate it properly, sometimes he forgot how Itachi treated other people with coldness and superiority but when he remembered he always smiled seeing Itachi so free and honest with them... they after all were friends for a long time and he too acted differently with his friends than with strangers, but anyway the point was... Itachi was just indescribable.
"I hate tea and soup and you know it Itachi..." he murmured wondering did he just deserve another hit on his head, luckily Itachi smiled and nodded.
"I know, but you need something hot...oh I know I'll make you a shot of whiskey with peppers, it's an old northern stuff and its really effective!"
"Whiskey with peppers... you mean like...real peppers?"
"Yes...the black ones...grinded in a powder you put them in whiskey, shake it all together and get it down and it works, you'll see!"
He didn't object since Itachi looked so determined and happy to help, he just nodded dumbly and got up from the couch heading for the bathroom upstairs. The same bathroom he shared with Itachi since their rooms were next to each other, the blonde shared a bathroom with Sasori, Pein of course had his own, Hidan didn't mind sharing with the black haired kitty, Itachi was probably the tidiest person on earth always leaving the bathroom sparkling and without a trace of ever being used and he learned fast after having his hair pulled all the way from his bed to the bathroom where he had left his wet towel over the toilet seat, he learned to leave it just as clean as Itachi did.
Truth be told he felt just fine after he left the bathroom dressed in a black vest and loose greyish pyjama pants having his wet towel around his shoulders, he knew better than to leave it there, didn't he.
He walked for his room ready to crawl in his bed and hopefully get real sick overnight so he doesn't have to go for the damn cold mountains, but Itachi was waiting for him in his room, the fragile looking creature was sitting on the edge of his black clad bed and held a glass surely filled with the northern recipe as Itachi put it earlier.
The kitty stood up and passed the glass for him."Drink it in one go... don't even try to taste it, just swallow!"
Hidan was grimacing the stuff looked positively poisonous!
And he was sure there was more pepper than the whiskey and he highly doubted he's going to survive this.
Groaning he took the glass taking a deep breath before he gulped the poison down, as soon as the stuff was down his throat his purple eyes went wide and he was about to grab Itachi's slender neck and squeeze real hard for burning his throat out, but Itachi stopped him by giving him another glass filled with what looked like pure water, he gulped it eager to get the peppery taste out of his mouth, he was surprised at the slightly sweet taste but he didn't complain he took a good drink and then passed the glass to Itachi.
Itachi smiled faintly. "The whiskey or the sweet stuff?"
"Both Itachi, both...fuck I'm getting all hot!" he groaned when he realised what he just said and how it might have sounded but he meant it too, he felt the hotness in his belly spreading over him and in no time he felt his cheeks flush.
"I know... you need to get under covers now and sleep!"
And since Itachi's words were the law he crawled into his bed and grinned inwardly when the beauty tucked him in reminding him of a mother he didn't remember having.
"Hey Itachi, does a goodnight kiss comes with your special treatment too?" he teased with a smirk majorly pleased when Itachi blushed as per usual.
"Sleep, I'll wake you up tomorrow when it's time to start getting ready." With that said Itachi left his room closing the door silently, leaving him pouting on the bed... he wanted that kiss, even if it would be on a his forehead or some other innocent place, it didn't matter those would still have been the same plump rosy lips touching him...
An: Mhm that's the beginning... next chapter their going for the mountains...this was more like an intro... let me know what you think...?