Thanks for Nothing

Dovahkin couldn't believe it, even as he thudded forward at the Devourer of Worlds, Alduin, a great and terrible black dragon who had been devouring entire souls by using a misty snare in Sovrngard, an ingenius, but also dick, move.

Red eyes glared and observed the Dovahkin before him. Alduin was not impressed, why should he be? He was the devourer of worlds and destroyer of all! This… Dovahkin was nothing but a man. A man who had killed more than thirty dragons, tore their bones and scales off and made nice sets of armor. A Man who had learned the thu'um to such a mastery that Alduin himself had to, temporarily mind you, retreat. A man who was now in Sovrngard looking for a rematch.

No matter! So long as Alduin's mist held he could swoop down, chompity chomp their ass-

The mist cleared when the four great heroes combined their voices of the sky clearing shout.

Alduin blinked and cursed in Dovah before he roared his own return shout. This mist returned, all was righ-

The mist cleared again.

Alduin swore, roared and watched the mist thicken back to its nice-

It cleared…again.

Alduin roared with rage and left his convenient perch to swoop down at them. "I shall feast on your bones!" His jaws spread and then they engaged in a boring, un-cinematic battle that no doubt if this were a game it would have left the player so disappointed they expected Alduin to return with shiny scales and announce "Rematch!" before doing it all again for the same disappointment.

And as the Dovahkin watched Alduin explode into glitter, sweet, sweet dragon glitter. Then… nothing. "Huh," the Dragonborn glanced around, nothing was happening. "That's it? I can't eat his soul and gain his awesome meteor rain shout?"

The heroes blinked, then shrugged.

The Dovahkin sighed and looked like a kicked puppy, a kicked puppy wearing the scales and bones of Dragons, but a puppy nonetheless. "That is… well, disappointing…"

Before anyone could say anything, Tsun sent the Dovahkin back down to Nirn without so much as asking "What does Dragonrend do!"

Darkness… just darkness and bitter cold reminded the Dovahkin he was indeed alive again, and whole. He opened his eyes and saw he was back on the throat of the world, he saw Paarthanax. "Old man, you are not going to believe the shit that happened…"

He paused, then spun around and saw the entire top of the mountain was covered in dragons. All eyes were on him and somewhere, somehow. The soul of the first dragon he devoured was laughing hysterically.

"Well, awkward…" He shifted on his feet and reached for his Deadric blade, it shimmered and glowed with power as he said, "Alright, which one of you wants to fall to me next!"

None moved, they just… stared at him. And stared, and stared.

And stared!

This went on for what felt like an hour before the Dovahkin sheathed his blade, stepped back and said, "…Are you… undressing me with your eyes…or something?"

That caused them to blink. But notbreak their gazes.

Paarthanax finally decided it was the proper moment to speak, so, the old dragon rumbled and said, "Dovahkin!" the rest of that the Dragon never caught because this old, worn dragon was apparently senile as he kept switching between plain old speak and dragon tongue.

Oh, and he was long winded! Fun…

Also, why did all dragons feel the need to speak with that ever so slight tilt of their heads? It bugged Dovahkin sometimes.

"And now, Dovahkin, we must part ways," The old dragon spread his wings and the cool jolt of wind woke the near sleep Dragonborn, who nodded quickly and uttered the sentence.

"I'll sleep with the jarl's daughters!" he blushed, then shifted again and made sure no one saw or heard that. And, as they flew off into the clouded skies to… wherever they wanted to go he felt another dragon land beside him. The red scales, it was Odahviing!

"Odahviing!" The dragon born said, turning to the dragon. "What happened? Thought you said you'd be waiting for me when I got back from Sovrngard?"

The red dragon coughed, then said, "I was, you got into the portal… so I ate your body and transported you here where I threw you up." he explained, almost sounding sheepish. Almost.

The Dragonborn blinked, then opened his mouth. "Why ea-"

"Only way to keep your body warm."

Dovahkin nodded slowly, suddenly feeling very violated since the crotch incident. And we all remember how THAT ended, don't we? He shuddered and the nodded, "Alright, well, thank… I guess, this mean you're my personal dragon?"

"Yes," Odahviing nodded, "Simply summon me whenever you need me, I shall come if I can." he spread his wings and then, with a final. "Farewell!" he took off into the sky and left the Dovahkin on top of the highest, coldest and most dangerous mountain in all of Tamriel.

Wait… what?

"Wait!" Dovahkin cried, running after the red scaled dragon. "At least give me a ride down you asshole!" he yelled after him, the dragon didn't turn and kept going as the Dovahkin watched him fly off, the only other way off this Divines forsaken mountain was foot, and he hated that! What the hell was the point of having your own personal dragon if he didn't even offer to get the Dragonborn down to the bottom? Or at least to the Greybeards temple!

"Stupid fucking dragons," the Dragonborn grumbled as he shivered, gripped his shoulders and stomped off towards the only trail leading back down to the Greybeards temple. All the while grumbling, cursing and bitching to himself about how dumb and inconsiderate dragons were.

"First born of Akatosh this, stupid Alduin for being so fat headed," he growled as he walked up the rear doors of the temple, he knocked and called, "Open up you old bastards! I'm freezing my ass out here, this armor wasn't made for extreme cold!"

And, then, after receiving some… closure words from the greybeards the Dragonborn moved towards his next destination. Whiterun, where he would likely be treated as a God for saving the entire world! He felt great, he was warm and soon he'd be treated to mountains of gold, lovely, lovely women throwing themselves into his bed and hopefully some sweet new armor.

Life was good!

The Dovahkin entered the town, then said, "Fear not, people of Whiterun! I have slain Alduin!" he cried heroically as he held the gates open and looked on to the adoring masses who were no doubt gathered to meet his return.

The blacksmith, a little girl and the two guards stared at him as if he was crazy. He blinked, then slowly went back to their business and the Dovahkin hung his head, where was the love? He just saved the freaking world for Talos' sake!

"S'cuse me, mista," the little girl walked over to him and looked up at him. "My mommy says you're a werewolf, can I bet you fluffy tail?" she pouted cutely.

The Dovahkin stared, and stared and stared until finally he growled out, "No. You cannot," he sighed, turned and slammed his head against the wooden gates of Whiterun, splintering wood and leaving the gates shaking.

And not a care was given that day.

"Stop! In the name of the Jarl, You've committ-" The Guard was interrupted.

The dragon born pointed to himself. "Me. Thane." The Dragonborn mumbled into the wooden frame, his voice muffled as he waved the guard away. "You. Leave."

"Yes, at once my Thane." the guard turned and walked away.

Again, not a single fuck was given that day.

The end!

This went out the rather disappointing ending of Skyrim's Alduin's quest line, not only was it sad and depressingly bad, it was… just… argh! You're not even treated as a hero! What the hell? Really? Leeee sigh. Read and review, peeps, review!