Inspiration: A certain charming picture book by Judith Viorst. Re-reading said book, which I so loved as a child, encouraged me to re-write the first three chapters of the Twilight story using Judith's language and writing style. Written for the TwiSpiteFic community on LJ.
Author's Note: We interrupt your regularly scheduled spitefic to bring a little palate-cleanser... mostly because I had to get some silliness out of my system before finishing up the next Mending Sunrise installment (wherein the proverbial naturally-expended waste is launched into the atmospheric oscillation device) and starting a kickass crossover. I hope you enjoy this in the meanwhile.
Bella and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
by Melissa Treglia
I went to sleep with my hair wet and woke up with tangles in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped over my shoes and dropped my favourite sweater in the bath water by mistake and I could tell it was gonna be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
At breakfast I found a bug in my favourite cereal and had to throw the box of cereal out. So I decided to have bacon and eggs with Daddy instead but I burnt Daddy's bacon and eggs by accident.
I think I'll move to South America.
As I was going to school my truck started making funny noises and died on the road. So I had to walk in the rain and I hate rain because I hate getting wet and the rain messed up my pretty hairstyle and I went to my English class looking like a drowned rat. I could tell it was gonna be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
In my Biology class I sat next to Edward Cullen who looked at me all creepy like one of those creepy guys in the horror movies my Mommy never lets me watch because I still get nightmares. He stared at me like that all day.
At lunch he was nice to me but after school I almost got run over by Tyler's van and Edward saved me from getting squished by shoving me down. I didn't die but I did break my coccyx and I could tell it was gonna be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I could tell because I had to go to the hospital because my coccyx broke and I hate hospitals and Mommy always freaks out whenever I get the tiniest bruise and I knew Daddy would call her to tell her about my accident. Why did you call Mommy, I said to Daddy. She turns little accidents into huge soap-opera dramas and I don't like it because I hate soap-operas except for the ones that get filmed in South America.
Daddy took me home and I was ok because Edward's daddy who's a doctor gave me lots of medication to take the pain away but I could still feel the ache where I fell on my bum even with the medicine and Daddy wouldn't take me out for ice cream. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Edward visited me at home by sneaking into my window and he wasn't being nice to me anymore and he was being mean and he said he didn't want to be my friend and that I don't know anything because I'm just a silly girl.
Whatever, I said, I'm moving to South America.
Edward told me that I'm a silly girl and I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm a danger magnet. When I started to cry because he was being mean and scary he told me I was a baby and a foolish little girl and I said, who are you calling little? I'm the same age as you! and he said that I don't know anything and I should stay away from him but he can't help himself because he likes me too much.
I said, you're mean and I'm having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. He didn't say anything.
Edward disappeared when my Daddy came into my room to check on me and I told Daddy, I'm bored, and Daddy said, you can watch TV downstairs. Daddy helped me downstairs because he's the best Daddy ever but I was hurting a lot because of my broken coccyx and he had to put down a pillow on the couch for me to sit and it still hurt anyway.
We sat in front of the TV and I accidentally moved my foot and knocked over my Daddy's can of beer and it soaked the newspaper he'd been getting the game scores from. I picked up the phone to call my friend Angela but I dialed a wrong number by accident and I think I called South America. My Daddy said, the drugs are making you loopy and I'll put you back to bed after you've had a little food in your stomach.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
We had codfish for dinner and I hate codfish.
There was football on TV and I hate football.
The water for the bath was too hot, I got shampoo in my eyes, I lost a contact lens down the sink and I had to wear my fuzzy pink pajamas. I hate my fuzzy pink pajamas.
When I went to bed my pillow slid out from under my head and onto the floor where I couldn't pick it up and I had to yell for Daddy to get it for me. The bulb in my bedside lamp burnt out and I bit my tongue so now my tongue hurts as well as my bum. I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in and I normally sleep on my back but can't because of my coccyx and I want to tell Edward to stop sneaking into my room at night and being mean because it's scary. I think I'll tell him when I'm all better and can go back to school.
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Daddy says some days are like that. Even in South America.