I put my notebook back down on the table of the room me and Jay were sharing. I have already watched the tapes with Jay and read through my notes, but now I just feel terrible. I knew that whatever happened during those missing months was serious, but I never realised how messed up it would be.
I stood up from my chair and walked over to the window and looked outside. Jay had gone out to get some supplies, so I was on my own at the moment. I was'nt scared of being alone. It was daytime and nothing truely bad happens then. At least, I use to tell myself that. But either way it gave me time to think.
Alex according to one entry Alex mentioned the biking incident being a lie. Was he going to help me find out what had really happened? Or did he have something else in mind? Either way, I was going to find out what happened so does it truely matter now? The only thing I can think of that's worth mentioning about this matter is that Alex may know something about the incident that no one else mentioned.
I also have to consider Alex's behaviour. He was secrative, distant, angry. The list goes on. He seemed like a completely different person almost in all of the tapes and notes. But, why? I walked away from the window and sat back in my chair and looked down at my notebook.
Before we saw what had happened, I had wanted nothing more then to find my brother, but now I'm not so sure I even want to see him again. He broke Tim's leg with a rock, he led most of the Marble Hornets crew to who knows what sort of faith, he tried to kill me, Jay and Jessica and he killed an innocent man trying to help him which is made worse since he may have done it thinking he was Jay.
But, was it his free will? As much as I hate to say it by the way things have been looking, that thing that has been following Alex may have some sort of control over him, or perhaps Amy was being used to make Alex do these things, though I think the former is more fitting.
But then another thought comes to mind. Was Alex intending on helping us truely, or was he planing on tying up loose ends. With Jay at least. Alex seemed to want me to leave all of this, but the fact that he seemed willing to shoot us makes me question if he still sees me as a sister, or something to be gotten rid of.
Jay says that we can't let Alex get away with this, and although I'm reluctant to go after Alex again I know it must but done. That's why we've come back to this town. It does'nt seem like Alex left at any point so he might still be here.
I then thought of 'enntry 37'. Is'nt it comforting to know your older brother has been stalked since you were a baby, maybe even before? I still remember that tape. Aunt Edna holding a baby version of me, just a month away from being a year old with some brown hair showing on my head and wearing a white and pink dress. I only appeared on the camera for only a split second, but I think I was looking at something over my aunt's shoulders. Had I seen Him then? And had Michael's death been meerly a cause of mistaken identity?
My thoughts then moved on to Jessica and I held my face on my hands. All I felt was guilt. If I had'nt ask Jay to sleep in his room, then maybe Jessica would still be with us because I would have woken up in her room and after we would get over the awkward confussion of who the other was we would find Jay and realised sooner we could trust her. That and combined with the fact that I did'nt acknowledge I had similar nightmares as her made me think it was my fault that she was missing.
Then last, but certainly not least, I thought of Tim. Well, at least I don't have to worry about there being a love triangle, eh? But, that did'nt make me feel any better from the pain I felt at the thought of him.
I've read all the moments. The hugs, the holding...the first kiss...but, I can't remember them myself. I have to depend on my notes to know all of this, but...it feels like it was a different Rebecca had those moments with Tim. It feels like she had those moments, and then she died the night before I woke up with Jay in the hotel, with me taking her place.
And that's not all that makes my heart feel heavy.
Yesterday when we came back we saw Tim, acting normal. This should make me happy but then I think of a simple fact. It's November now (ironically, it's almost the aniversary of the day me and Jay woke up from the missing seven months) and we have'nt seen Masky since January. That's about ten months. Is it selfish of me to think he would have made some sort of contact with me? At least once?
Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions, but I would'nt be too surprised if he did'nt remember any tof the events that had happened.
I brought a hand to my lips, and thought back to when shortly before Christmas when I was leaving from my investigation into my dissapearance when I was ten. The time I woke up to find him holding me, the time my legs were hurt and he bandaged them up (touching one leg a little more then he needed to I should add), and the day I was prepaired to rejoin Jay, when he came into my room, blindfolded me and kissed me with his real lips. All Tim. Would I ever have those moments again?
I thought about everything. I can't deny that I've noticed my feelings for Tim being strong when I've thought of him lately. I don't think I've fallen in love with him exactly, but I think it's close to that.
I took a deep sigh and stood up again and laid down on my bed. So here I am now. I'm twenty one now, and still scared of how all of this will end. If I can have a wish, it's that I will be able to be with Tim when all of this is over.
I don't think I'll be writing in my notebook for a while. I'll probably wait till we talk to Tim, or something close to that.
Right now, I just want to lie here and wait for Jay to come back.