Shakespeare In not-so Love

Because Shakespeare was a misogynist, and Sakura doesn't appreciate that.

Warnings: Dialogue-only story and a lot of feminist viewpoints from Sakura.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

I was planning on joining StormDragon666's contest, but I completely blanked and didn't have enough time to enter. Alas, life is hard. However, I dedicate this story to her, because we need more plot lines that keep us awake and she's the perfect writer for the job.

"You know, it's going to be really awkward when Juliet walks in and sees Romeo just chilling there, like, dead."

O comfortable friar! where is my lord?

I do remember well where I should be,

And there I am. Where is my Romeo?

"Oh shit, here we go."

What's here? a cup, closed in my true love's hand?

Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:

O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop

To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;

Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,

To make die with a restorative.

"Wait, what's she doing?"

Yea, noise? then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!

This is thy sheath;

"Homegirl, what you doing with that knife?"

there rust, and let me die.

"I'm sorry, but excuse me? She did what? Don't you fucking dare tell me she just killed herself over a guy."

"Sakura, love, it's supposed to be romantic."

"Of course Madara, because nothing gets me hotter than a knife sheathed into my chest."

"Shoot squirt, give it a rest, it's just a story."

"A story about how a girl killed herself for a guy Kisame. That directly goes against every feminist movement ever created."

"Shut the fuck up bitch, it's your own fucking fault for reading a goddamned shitty play anyway. You should read some real fucking literature."

"Like what Hidan? Your only knowledge of literature is the second grade reading level books that you still struggle with."

"Fuck you pinky."

"Sakura dear, you're taking this too far."

"Don't patronize me Sasori."

"He's right Sakura, yeah. It's fiction, meaning that it's not real, yeah."

"I'm well aware of what fiction means Deidara, but thanks for the definition anyway."

"Sakura you're acting like a wet kitten, stop this childish attitude."

"Anything you say Itachi Stick-in-the-ass Uchiha."

"Uncalled for Sakura."

"If you're going to dish it out Itachi you better be able to take it."

"We're just trying to calm you down Sakura, since you're obviously so bent out of shape about this."

"It's not that I'm bent out of-Madara I really don't like the fact that you're that close to my chest-shape Pein, but this girl literally just sacrificed everything for a guy she knew for less than a year! I've known all of you for six years and I won't even water your plants much less kill myself over you."


"That was hurtful, but enjoyable, Sakura."

"You're twisted Zetsu."

"Hey let's play a game, for every feminist bullshit comment you make Sakura, you give me a dollar. I'll be sure to make a profit from that."

"As if you don't have enough money Kakazu."

"You can never have too much money Sakura."

"Yes I know, you whisper it in my ear every night before I go to sleep."

"Well you won't let me write it in your underwear."

"Sakura-chan! Tobi would happily die for you! Tobi loves Sakura-chan so so much! Sakura-chan is Juliet and Tobi is Romeo! Except Sakura-chan and Tobi won't die and they will live happily ever after! Yay!"

"That's sweet Tobi, but think about it guys, this girl is hot and rich. She had another guy on the side pining after her, and she could have probably had any other guy in her country, but noooo she has to go be dependent and clingy and sheath herself with a sword..."


"And plus this whole situation was fucked up from the beginning, Deidara don't rub my leg, I mean it should have been a red flag for Juliet in the first place when she met Romeo at a party that he wasn't fucking invited to. Nobody likes a party-crasher, especially if he's a member of a family that your family wants to dice."

"Fuck bitch, I'm sick of hearing your voice, I'm going to shut you up."

"I'd love to see you tr-MMPHHH! Hidan, the fuck? You just kissed me!"

"Fuck yeah I did, now shit let me do it again. Ow! Goddamit Itachi, what the fuck is your problem?"

"Don't touch Sakura."

"I would thank you Itachi, but I'm still angry at all of you for being misogynistic assholes."

"Damn squirt, you're acting like all of us wrote this play."

"As much as I love seeing you riled up you should probably just stop thinking about this Sakura."

"Dear, how about you try reading another one of his plays? He is known for being the true artist of literature."

"Psh, his writing is long and slow, not to mention boring, a true writer would get straight to the point like BANG!"

"Ow! Tobi's eardrums heart! Sakura-chan, kiss them better!"

"Just give me another fucking play, and I swear to god Deidara if you touch my leg one more time I will bite your fingers off."

"Hamlet is out of his damn mind; Ophelia needs to deuce out of this relationship ASAP."

"Well okay Ophelia's a little off too, maybe they do deserve each other."

One woe doth tread upon another's heel,

So fast they follow; your sister's drown'd, Laertes.

"Oh well nevermind, bye Ophelia."

"Sakura love, why did you close the play? You have pages left!"

"Why should I keep reading? Shakespeare got what he wanted, another girl suicide down, he must be very proud of himself."

"Oh please dear not again."

"Oh no don't worry I just find it hilarious that Ophelia's last appearance was when she was off her rocker singing some melodramatic, creepy ass song."

"Sakura you're being ridiculous."

"Shut up Pein. You see, this is why guys always pull the 'girls are super paranoid and clingy' card, because there are bitches like this who just up and throw themselves into rivers because a guy doesn't want them!"

"For the rate this is going Sakura, I'm going to have your college fund by the end of the night. Oh really, flipping me the bird Sakura?"

"Tobi thinks rivers are pretty!"

"I've never used the 'girls are super paranoid and clingy' card yeah, but I'm about to use the 'Sakura turns into a feminist nutcase after reading Shakespearean plays" card, yeah."

"You're a fucking comedian Deidara, honestly, you should take your show on the road."

"Who knew Shakespeare got you so hot and bothered Sakura? I love it."

"Nuzzle my neck again Zetsu; I dare you."

"I genuinely find it amusing about how upset you are about Ophelia and Juliet's actions. They did this willingly, and most importantly they did it for love. Love is the strongest power in the universe, one can't simply control it."

"I understand your point Itachi, and I see where you're going-wipe that smirk off your face cocky ass I'm not through-with it, I still find it absolutely preposterous that two people would go to such great lengths for love."

"Dear, when one is in love there is no limit to what someone will do for the one he loves."

"Even jump off into river?"

"Even jump into a river."


"Squirt, I know you're all anti-love and relationships, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, even if you refuse to acknowledge it."

"That's right love, the love all of us have for you knows no lengths nor bounds. Our love is simply endless, like the hills in the valley, the blue in the sky, the wind in the tress, the-OOMPH."

"Thank you Hidan, I didn't think he would ever stop."

"I couldn't listen to of that mushy love shit any longer."

"Guys, I understand and semi-acknowledge the feelings all of you have for me, but I just can't imagine ever being so madly in love with someone that I would do anything for him; it's inconceivable."

"Someday you'll understand Sakura love."

"And maybe you'll be able to accept those feelings."


"Hey Sakura! Do you want to read Taming of the Shrew, yeah?"

"Let me guess, the woman is the shrew."


"Fuck off guys."

What did I just write?

This idea has been stuck in my head for who knows how long. I just really adore Sakura as the kind of bitchy, strong type so I wanted to give her some 'tude in this story. Plus, who doesn't positively adore some fluffy Akatsuki lovin'?

Shakespeare is my main by the way. I live for this plays. I can't believe that Sakura doesn't feel the same.

Sorry if y'all couldn't tell the difference between Pein and Itachi, I tried to differentiate everyone but it didn't exactly work.

Thanks for reading everyone!