Arthur always dresses in sharp impeccable suits. The cut and fold of cloth over Arthur's body makes him look both seductive and powerful. Everyone who meets Arthur wants to posses him. Everyone who meets Arthur also ends up screwed over and so much poorer than they were before. It's a bit unreal.

Too unreal, Eames is trying to explain.

"So that's why," Eames says gleefully, "it's clearly obvious that you are a Pokemon. You have the most advanced Infatuation spell I have ever seen in my life. We could be so great together, darling. Just think of all the trainers we could beat. All badges we could earn!"

"Hand over all your Pokemon right now," Arthur says loudly, "or I will shoot you."

Eames drops his bag on the floor. "Oh, I get it," Eames continues, "You're the jealous type, aren't you? You don't have to worry, I'm the best trainer there is. I love all my Pokemon equally. Only I'd love you just a little bit more. You are incredibly attractive, did you know? It's like-"

Arthur unclicks the safety. Now that he thinks about it, he really only needs the Pokemon. No one said Eames still had to be alive.

Eames makes one quick moment and Arthur can barely keep up. The next thing he knows, Eames has a giant red pokeball in his hands.

"I chose you, Saito!" Eames yells. He throws the pokeball into the air and Arthur's heart beats loudly in his chest. This is it. He is finally going to see Saito. The most powerful Pokemon in the world, lead champion in the last ten Pokemon leagues, the legendary, the incredible-

The pokeball opens and falls to the ground. Nothing comes out.

Arthur stares in disbelief while Eames leans over the pokeball curiously and kicks it with his foot. It rolls towards Arthur.

A flash of bright light suddenly sucks Arthur in and he feels the world close in around him.

The pokeball shuts, thrashes once, twice, and then settles peaceably on the ground with a loud click.

"Oh," Eames says with surprise. He picks the pokeball off the floor and holds it tightly against his chest.

Halfway around the world, Arthur opens his eyes to find himself in a large iron cage. It is not, to say the least, how he expected this mission to go.

00.

"Arthur," Yusuf says slowly. "Weren't you just in Mombosa?"

"Yes." Arthur sits heavily down onto his chair. His tie is loose and his shoes are scuffed. Yusuf stares.

"Arthur. Weren't you just in Mombosa two hours ago?"

Arthur raises his eyebrows. "It's only been two hours? That bastard. I'll kill him."

Yusuf continues staring. Then he shrugs and goes back to examining hybrid acorns for his newest model pokeball. "Okay. If you don't want to tell me, fine. I see how it is. I'm only a genius Pokemon researcher with three doctorates and massive brain larger than anything inside your tiny little head, so there's no need to tell me anything about what you guys are planning, or what's going on, or what the hell Cobb is thinking-"

"Yusuf," Arthur interrupts suddenly, "shut up."

Yusuf glares at Arthur and shuts up for about five minutes. Then he turns around. "No, seriously, Arthur!"

Arthur sighs.

"Arthur," Yusuf continues. "How the fuck did you get here from Mombosa?"

Arthur ducks his head and starts playing with his custom-made Onix Montblanc cufflinks. Then he clears his throat once, twice, before speaking very carefully. "Yusuf, you have studied everything there is to study about pokeballs. Tell me, have you ever come across any stories of people being captured inside one?"

Arthur can see the moment when it finally clicks, and Yusuf laughs and laughs but he doesn't, Arthur notices with irritation, actually answer his question.

"If you tell anyone, I am going to kill you," Arthur says dangerously. His eyes are a little bit crazy.

Yusuf laughs harder. "My god, Arthur," he says finally, "What kind of Pokemon are you? How do you do the things you do-"

Yusuf finds his mouth suddenly filled with acorns and he chokes.

"You can take this as a warning. If Dom finds out about this…" Arthur grabs an acorn and tries to crush it in his fist. It doesn't quite work out, so he ends up taking out his gun and shooting it. "Stop laughing!" Arthur demands. He blushing for the first time since junior high, and the thought strikes deeply and soundly through Arthur's core that this is all Eames' fault. Arthur has never hated anyone more in his life.

"Mmmppfffh," Yusuf says when Arthur kicks his chair on the way out.

00.

When Arthur first starts watching the Pokemon Leagues, he is five years old and he knows, instantly, that there is nothing he wants more than to own all the best Pokemon in the world.

All of them.

Unfortunately, Arthur is a terrible trainer (Dom says something about lacking imagination but really, Arthur just doesn't have the patience). So when Dom asks Arthur if he wants to join Team Rocket, there is no question. Arthur has, over time, become really, really good at what he does. What he does is this: he lies, he cheats, he steals, and he collects all the very best Pokemon he can find.

Arthur tries to think this over slowly and logically. Saito is one of those very best Pokemon. Saito is also Eames' Pokemon. Through default, Arthur may or may not also be Eames' Pokemon- despite the fact that he is human. No matter how Arthur looks at it, there is only one solution to this problem: Eames must die.

Admittedly, Arthur hasn't looked very hard for any alternative plans. In fact, he's looking forward to pissing on top of Eames grave.

The thought makes him smile.

"Stop being so creepy," Dom says to him. "You can't actually kill a world famous Pokemon trainer, people notice these things."

"Yeah," Yusuf says. "If Cobb is calling you creepy, that's saying something. And stop looking at me like that, I didn't tell him anything. Cobb just knows everything."

"It's true," Dom says seriously.

Arthur can't tell if he's joking or not. He thinks about all the disturbing dreams he's been having lately starring Eames, a pokeball, and a leather whip, and he feels decidedly awkward.

The next time he sees Eames is two days later. Arthur is standing in the middle of a large gym room with nothing but boxers on and a toothbrush in his mouth. He takes a quick assessment of his new surroundings and sees a Pigeotto hopping up and down and shaking its head in alarm, a young boy standing on the other side of the gym, a referee with his mouth wide open, and Eames, standing behind him with a giant smirk on his face.

Arthur spits the toothpaste out of his mouth. "What," he says dangerously.

"Arthur!" Eames waves at him. "You're looking really good today. Did you gain a couple levels? I think your sexiness increased since the last time I saw you."

"Eames," Arthur says slowly, "what did you do?"

"Nothing, darling! But I'm in the middle of a very important match. Would you mind, dearest, if I asked you to rub your chest a little and give that Pigeotto over there your 'sexy bitch face' look?"

Arthur glares at Eames and makes a deep noise of anger in his throat.

"Oh no!" the young boy suddenly calls out. "Don't look, Pigeotto, don't look!"

Pigeotto falls out the air and starts wobbling on its feet. Arthur looks out of the corner of his eyes and quickly turns away when he sees it puffing up its chest and cooing at him softly. There is something soft and fluffy humping his leg and Arthur is trying very, very hard not to think about it.

"Er- Pigeotto is unable to battle!" the referee calls out loudly. "Eames wins!"

"Fantastic!" Eames beams at Arthur. "I knew you could do it."

Arthur feels something like rage come over him. He manages to kick Pigeotto off him and sprint towards Eames. He doesn't care what Dom says, Eames is going to die. Right now. Arthur is going to choke him with his bare hands, and it will be the happiest moment of Arthur's life.

"Arthur, return!"

Arthur opens his eyes. He is transported onto a large bed covered in roses. The bed, incidentally, is heart shaped.

00.

"You set my house on fire," Eames says accusingly. He stabs a finger at Arthur's chest. Arthur thinks momentarily about breaking that finger, but seeing as Eames is currently covered in soot, his clothes torn, and his hair singed, Arthur decides to be generous.

Arthur smiles briefly before he can get his facial muscles in check. Today has been a great day.

Eames stares at Arthur in awe and mutters something that sounds like "dimples."

"Every action has consequences," Arthur says. "You shouldn't trap hostile strangers in your room unless you are prepared to deal with those consequences."

"The door was unlocked, Arthur, you didn't have to use explosives!"

"I noticed that the first time. Then I came back. With explosives."

"It took six Squirtle squads to put out it out. All my trophies are ruined. You're the worst behaved Pokemon I've ever had." Eames scowls at him and Arthur has no idea why this sends a momentary throb of anxiousness down his spine, as if he's done something bad. He's always doing something bad. He's the fucking Team Rocket.

"And you, Mr. Eames, are the worst behaved human I've ever met." Arthur bares his teeth. "In case you forgot, you threw. A pokeball. At me."

Eames stops and smiles. "Darling, I didn't just throw a pokeball at you. I captured you."

Arthur doesn't blush because that's not something that Arthur does, but he does turn red- in anger. "Eames, you stupid idiot, I am going to tell you for the last time: I am not a Pokemon."

"Of course you are."

"No, Eames. I'm really not."

Arthur thinks maybe Eames is actually starting understand because he looks over Arthur slowly and carefully as if he's trying to figure something out. Arthur is so hopeful that he almost stops breathing.

"Is this about inter-species relationships, Arthur?" Eames says finally. "Because you know, it shouldn't be a problem unless we have kids, and we can't do that since we're both men." Eames says this earnestly while staring intensely into Arthur's eyes.

Arthur feels something in his heart catch until he actually listens to what Eames is saying, and then he just lets the tower of rage explode inside him. "You are the most ruthlessly idiotic, self-absorbed, and unfortunately fashion-handicapped man I have ever met in my entire goddamn life!" Arthur yells into his face. Because seriously, what the fuck.

Eames eyes suddenly light up as if he's had a brilliant epiphany. "Oh! Dear, are you meaning to tell me that males within your species are can actually bear ch-"

Seriously, what the fuck!

00.

Arthur spends the next three weeks in an existential crises.

What the hell is wrong with Eames? Arthur can only just barely admit it inside his own head, but he is been just a little bit disappointed. Eames is (unfortunately) undeniably attractive despite his hideous shirts, and he must have a brilliant mind in order to train Pokemon like Saito. So seeing Eames being a retarded idiot fool with little to no redeemable qualities is….incredibly not endearing in any way what so ever. And Arthur does not want to bear his children!

After being groped for the thirteenth time, Arthur begins to wonder if it isn't him. Maybe Eames is overcome by Arthur's ridiculously good looks and finely tailored suits. Maybe it's all Arthur's fault. Maybe Arthur really is a lust Pokemon.

"Oh my god, Arthur," Yusuf complains. "You aren't even that attractive! It's all Eames, really, he's insane."

"Personally," Dom says carefully, "I have never felt inclined to sleep with you, Arthur. And if you ever stole my money, I would have you killed."

"Thank you," Arthur says just as carefully back. "But you aren't exactly reassuring."

"You look like a stick!" Yusuf adds unhelpfully. "Also, you're kind of conceited and rude."

Adriane looks up over her papers. "Oh, I've got one. Remember that time you kissed me? It was actually quite awful, seriously one of the worst kisses of my entire-"

"Okay!" Arthur shouts. "I am not a Pokemon. Thanks, great, fantastic. If anyone has anything to say to me that isn't completely stupid or insulting, I'll be in my room actually doing something useful."

"Wait, I just don't get it," Adriane yells after him. "So is he trying to catch you, or sleep with you?" Adriane asks doubtfully.

Yusuf starts cracking up. "Knowing Eames, probably both."

"Oh," Ariadne says, "That's really disgusting. Yeah, I could see Eames doing that. I wonder who would be on top, because-"

And really, Arthur homicide is definitely on the table after this. Although he's not entirely sure who he wants to kill more.

00.

It takes about fifteen minutes for Eames to break into Team Rocket headquarters because Saito. Arthur is a little bit in awe. And also very much in pain, crumbled against a wall next to all his knocked out Pokemon, and absurdly being protected by Dom of all people. Arthur has no hope.

"I don't want to hurt you," Eames says very seriously while looking into Arthur's face, and Arthur wants very badly to punch him.

"We don't want to hurt you either," Dom says.

"I want to hurt him," Arthur mutters, but no one pays attention anyways.

"I have an offer for you, Cobb," Eames says. Something in the pit of Arthur's stomach lurches and he just knows Eames is going to say something terrible. "I want to trade Pokemon with you. I will give you Saito and Fischer if you give me Arthur."

Dom looks at Eames as if he's actually considering it.

"Dom," Arthur whispers harshly.

Dom looks at Arthur, torn. "But it's Saito!" Dom yells excitedly. "Did you see how powerful he is? I hear that he has his own Pokemon. Can you even imagine? A Pokemon that has Pokemon! Oh, and Fischer is very pretty."

"He's beautiful," Eames chimes in. "His lust stats are almost as high as Arthur's, so you'll barely miss a thing."

Arthur stares at Eames and Dom, and he sees his future crashing down around him. "You can't do this to me, Dom. I've known you for eleven years! I'm the best Pokemon thief in the world!"

Dom shakes his head slowly and continues talking to himself, "A Pokemon that has Pokemon! Simply revolutionary. It's like an inception…"

"Yes," Eames says, "he's most inceptional."

"Shut up, Eames!" Arthur yells.

"Okay," Dom says loudly. "I'll do it."

"No, no, no. We just had this discussion. I'm not a fucking Pokemon. You can't make me."

Dom pulls Arthur close and excuses them for a minute while Eames gives them a thumbs up and an incredibly disturbing leer.

"Arthur," Dom whispers, "this is the best opportunity we're had in our entire careers. Don't screw us up. All you have to do is go along with it until Saito and Fischer are transferred to our PC, and then you can just run away. It's brilliant, Arthur! No, it's inceptional!"

"Dominic Cobb," Arthur says slowly, "that is not even a word."

Dom squints at Arthur. "Is this about inter-species relationships? Because I'll have you know that Mallory and I have managed to share a deep and loving relationship together despite our small differences."

Arthur takes a moment to consider this. "Dominic Cobb, you are a disgusting man."

"Arthur! I will not stand to have a member of my team insult my wife due to our small differences in genetic background. Racism is not acceptable."

"Small differences?" Arthur yells. "She's a fucking Jynx! God, you what-"

"Eames," Cobb yells out loudly over Arthur's voice. "I will gladly accept your trade!"

00.

Arthur and Eames may or may not end up having sex. A lot. There may or may not be pokeballs and leather whips involved.

"I hate you so much," Arthur says against Eames' chest.

"Fucking- hell. You are. You are gorgeous," Eames breathes. Arthur feels something in his chest constrict, and okay, that is definitely affection, maybe even lov-

"Best Pokemon ever," Eames adds.

Arthur's eye twitches, and really, it can't be that hard to hide a dead body.