Assassins Anonymous by Katherine Julia

"Welcome everyone to Assassins Anonymous. My name is Christy, and I'll be your therapist for today. You're all here today as part of the Blackthorne Reform program, in response to recent developments. Namely, the end of the Circle of Cavan. Now why don't we go around the circle, and just introduce ourselves."

"Okay, well, my name is Grant, and I guess I'm an assassin…"

"You guess?"


"I see…"

"What did you just write down?"

"Just some notes, Grant. Thank you for sharing!"



"Oh, right. Um, I'm Jonas, and I'm an assassin."

"Thank you Jonas, and welcome."


"And you, young man?"

"My names Zach Goode, and I'm one hell of a Goode assassin."

"Excuse me?"

"…It's a pun. A play on my name."

"I see. And how does that make you feel, Zachary?"

"It's Zach."

"How does that make you feel?"

""Well, I feel a little sad, I guess. Kind of badass sometimes."

"Hm. I'm a little concerned about these feelings your experiencing Zach."

"Is there something wrong with my feelings?"

"Let's not use such condemning vocabulary in here, Zach."

"But you're telling my what I'm feeling is wrong."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"…Pretty bad."

"That's good. Now we're making progress."

"Wait, I'm confused—"

"Big surprise…"

"—Which question are we talking about now?"

"Mr. Newman…she only asked one question."


"And what is your name, sir?"

"…Joe Solomon."

"Well, Joe—"

"You can call me Mr. Solomon."

"Yes, thank you Joe, and welcome to Assassins Anonymous. We're here to help all your problems go away."

"I don't have a problem."

"Well, that's not what your file says, Joe. We're here to help you get through this, and the first step is admitting you have a problem."

"I'm not an assassin. I'm a spy."

"Did you not attend Blackthorne Institute for Troublem Young Men?"


"Well then, I think that speaks for itself."

"Hey watch it lady."

"Now boys, calm down. The nice young lady is only here to help."

"Thank you. And you are?"

"Doctor Steven Sanders, at your service mademoiselle. I'm so very glad to be here!"

"Well you're welcome anytime Dr Sanders—"

"Oh, young lady, please, call me Dr. Steve. It's what all my friends call me."

"How lovely! And how does that make you feel, Dr. Steve?"

"Oh, much younger! And I find it much easier to get to know the boys on an…intimate level when they call me by my Christian name."


"What was that? Do you have something to contribute to the group, Zachary?"

"Er, no."

"We're just here to help, Zachary."

"Yeah, the lady's just here to help you Zach. Why don't you tell us your life story? I'm so interested!"

"Go to hell, Grant."

"Now, now boys! Assassins Anonymous is no place for talk like that. I'm afraid that is your first warning."

"Are you serious?"

"Oh Zachary, I'm always serious."

"That's pretty sad, lady."

"You may call me Christy if you'd prefer that to 'lady.'"

"No thanks, I like 'lady.'"

"Mr. Goode, don't push it."

"Right, sorry sir. Forgive my grave mistake."

"I think it'd be good if you came back for another meeting after this, Zachary. Something tells me you need a little extra help."

"…No. I really don't."

"Hey, the lady's right, Zach. You definitely are one troubled dude."


"Really, Christy. Trust us, he's going to need much more than two meetings to work through his deep psychological problems. We've shared a bunker with this guy since the seventh grade. You'd never believe the things we've seen."

"Oh my…"

"I wouldn't be talking if I were you, Grant."

"What are you going to do Zach?"

"Have you ever mentioned your Playboy stash to Bex, Grant?"

"You wouldn't…"

"She's only a phone call away."

"And who is this Bex?"

"My girlfriend."

"I see. And how does she make you feel, Grant?"


"In my experience, I've often found that young assassins such as yourself have found it hard being in committed relationships. In fact, sometimes the stress of a partner can drive them to mass murder. Do you think the stress poses a threat to you, Grant?"

"Er…no. I don't."

"I see."

"What did you just write down about me?"

"Just more notes. I think it will be beneficial for you to join Zachary in some further meetings. We have some barriers to work through, I think."

"Hell, no. There's no way I'm coming back here!"

"Amen brother."

"Now boys—"

"Sorry, Dr. Steve. I don't care what you think is 'best for us.' We're out of here!"

"Take me with you, Zach!"

"Let's bail."

"Now boys! I'm only here to help you!"

"Sit back down boys!"

"See you back at school, Mr. Solomon. See ya, Dr. Steve."

"Wait! …I'm going with you."

"Alright, Mr S! High-five!"


"Okay, then…"

"Let's bolt."

"Well, never in my life…"

"I guess it's just you and me now Christy."


"How old did you say you were?"



"Would you mind removing your hand from my leg? Why is it moving higher?"

"Now Christy, tut tut. I thought you were here to help me?"



Hey guys! This is just a fun little one-shot I wrote to pass the time. It didn't turn out the way I thought it would, but hardly anything ever does. Hope you all enjoyed it!

Read and review!