I don't know if anyone will read this fic or not, but I just wanted to get this out there.
This is a story inspired by one of my favorite films, Gattaca. It is set in 2054 and it will involve several ND characters, almost all of them working for the same company as astronauts. It will follow Santana's narrative, but I might mix it up later. I'm not sure about any of this, if it's even worth continuing or not, so I'd appriciate you telling me maybe.
She doesn't understand it.
She doesn't really understand what is happening when she opens her eyes to the sight of an unfamiliar apartment surrounding her. An unfamiliar apartment with an unfamiliar bed under her and an unfamiliar body lying beside her tangled in unfamiliar sheets, a blonde woman sleeping sound while her memories start rushing to her head.
It takes a couple of seconds to gather her thoughts and comprehend this whole strange, unfamiliar situation she finds herself in after she wakes up properly.
This situation breaks so many rules of her life there is no point starting to count how many, because it would just make her feel even more anger towards herself for letting this happen.
Falling asleep beside the person she had sex with is an act she's been trying to avoid ever since she entered this present stage of her life, where sex strictly happens within the confines of one night stands.
But the truth is that sex has strictly meant satisfying a physical need her whole life, so she's never even had the urge to fall asleep beside her partner.
She has never really had the urge to do anything like this before.
She is not like that.
She doesn't do any pillow talk, she doesn't stay for the night, she doesn't give any indication whatsoever that the sex might means something more to her than just a way to get off and relieve the stress that's been collecting inside her body since the last occasion. She just puts on the few clothing items she lost because of her partner's persistence in the heat of the moment, gathers all her stuff, carefully removes any sign of her being there at all and without any gracefulness, she simply leaves the place as fast as she can.
She doesn't even throw one more glance towards the women she sleeps with, before she lets herself out.
Women she usually doesn't even know the name of.
So this - waking up to the blonde locks she had her fingers tangled in spreading all over the pillow next to hers and a pair of pink, still swollen lips she kissed with insatiable desire and hunger breathing out hot puffs of air into her face - feels pretty strange.
It's frightening and she can't deny that in an odd way, exciting for her.
But it's barely a crumb of thought that enters her mind before she inwardly curses herself for falling asleep and on top of that, not even regretting her bold move completely.
She probably shouldn't have done any of it.
It was too dangerous and wrong on so many levels already in the beginning.
She shouldn't have let herself be mesmerized by the woman on the dance floor, she shouldn't have let her body gravitate towards her and she most certainly shouldn't have let the woman kiss her without a word or any form of introduction.
But falling asleep beside her so carelessly is on a whole new and much higher level of wrong.
She knew way before this moment how hard it would be to forget this night, but now she feels she just caused herself even more trouble. Because the sight of this mysterious sleeping beauty beside her just adds another point to the list of things that will be hard to lock away deep inside the darkest chamber of her mind, a place she will never open up again.
The way her blue eyes turned into a darker shade when they locked with hers in the nightclub, the way her hips swayed when she approached her, the way her tongue explored her mouth, the way her hands sneaked behind her back to pull her body closer, merging them together and causing burning heat to spread in her whole body, while her heart was pounding so hard against her ribcage, it was the only sound she heard apart from the heavenly moans of the woman.
It was just the beginning.
This woman was simply irresistible.
Nothing like those others she's used for her own satisfaction. She's never felt this craving to have someone before. In a way, it's not surprising, because she's never wanted a woman before. She's only wanted their warm and soft bodies, and the control she had over them.
She's only ever been interested in the act of sex, only the experience itself and the power she felt during. She's never really cared for the women themselves.
Measuring up to a few expectations about appearance, like having a nice face and a hot body, and they can serve her purpose. There is only one truly important rule for her about one night stands: there must be a narrow possibility of seeing her partners ever again.
That's the reason why she's never picked up a woman in Nyx before.
Picking up a woman in the private club of the company she works for, surrounded by the prying eyes of her co-workers - her rivals and in a way, possible enemies - would have meant not only risking her job, but her safety, her future, simply her whole life and even the lives of her best friends who know about her secret.
So this is what last night truly meant, she realizes with a shaky intake of breath.
It meant risking it all.
She shuts her eyes tightly and pinches the bridge of her nose, because it makes her nauseous just to imagine what could happen if the blonde was curious about her. She can't not leave samples behind, strands of hair or her dried saliva all over the woman's body. Her DNA is all over the place, so the woman could easily investigate who she really was.
It would take two minutes and her secret would come out.
So the only thing she can do is pray that it won't happen, to pray that the woman will just shrug her shoulders impassively when she wakes up alone in the morning and to pray that her affection for her is not reciprocated in any level.
When she's done with praying and pulling herself together, she opens her eyes again to take another look at the sleeping form of the woman, the comforter barely reaching her waist as she is settled on her front, spreading comfortably on her huge bed, but still leaving enough place for her so they are not touching.
A deep frown creeps up on her forehead while she is trailing her tired eyes all over her bare shoulder and neck covered with marks caused by her hungry lips and her digging nails, because she can't even explain it. She can't come up with any excuse for what she's done.
All she knows is that she's never felt like this before.
Last night, she felt like she wanted this woman, she wanted to have her, not just having sex with her.
She still wants her and that's something she can't ever let herself feel for another person.
That's why she tears her eyes away from her angelic face she feels she can stare at for minutes and not get bored at all, and turns her head towards the huge window above the bed.
She's been quite impressed when she stepped- or more like stumbled into the apartment distracted by the woman's eager hands groping all available parts of her body and took in the sight. It instantly screamed two things for her, money and taste, which made her all the more interested in who this woman was and why she's never seen her in this little town before.
She must have been someone's plus one in the club, since she is quite sure she knows every single person that is working at company and only they are allowed to enter the exclusive night club. They and their plus ones of course, just like this woman.
Her apartment really is impressive, open and full of space, with the huge glass walls near the bed just merely a couple of feet away from the calmly waving ocean.
But she quickly forgot about everything else in the apartment, when she noticed the huge window above them after they slumped on the bed exhaustedly, the window that is offering her the most beautiful sight a person can imagine in their dreams right now.
It's her favorite sight, the nighttime sky; full of shining stars she spent years learning the name and specifics of. She's admired the galaxy they exist in since her childhood, the endless space, so deep, so mysterious, and waiting to be discovered.
She wants to know every little secret of it.
And she finally got the chance, after twenty-four years of fighting the people around her and pushing the obstacles away, she finally got the chance to escape this planet.
Planet Earth, where she has no chance to find happiness in her life.
When they got the news two days before, it was one of those rare occasions in her life when she felt her heart flutter in her chest. Excitement started buzzing in her whole body when the words left the director's mouth, words about Neptune, the furthest planet from Earth in the Solar System and words about a one-year long mission.
The mission she's been appointed to complete with nine other astronauts, her three best friends among them.
A little over four months and she can finally go up there, like she's done countless of times in her dreams and she can finally experience being in space.
She hopes she can finally experience how not to feel like this, the way she feels here all the time, so lost and miserable in the life she's built around herself with lies, huge lies only four people knows about.
But it will be all over in just a hundred and forty days.
She counted them of course.
It will be exactly a hundred and forty excruciatingly long days before the mission launches, before the relief after twenty-four years of struggling will finally come and save her from this hell.
For one year, she would get the chance to forget about it all, forget everything about this place and the life she has to live, the person she has to pretend to be to be able to get a chance like this in the first place.
She wonders how it would feel like to fly up into the sky, enter space and meet the stars every atom in her body was once a part of.
It would feel like home.
At least that's what she's hoped for her whole life and just the mere possibility of finally experiencing this feeling fills her heart with such warmth no other thing has been able to offer her before.
She's rarely felt like she belonged here on planet Earth. Those occasions were caused by her friends or her work, the two things that are saving her from drifting away into madness or depression.
But she's never felt like she belonged here because of a woman, she muses as she casts her gaze on the content features of the woman's face again. She is just inches away from her, so close she should barely lift her hand and she could smooth her blonde locks away from her forehead.
She can't do that though, she reminds herself bitterly before she averts her eyes, only to catch a glimpse on the clock on the woman's nightstand. It really is time to go home before she wakes her up, saving both of them from the embarrassing situation it would cause.
But it's hard.
It's really hard not to just decide to stay here and wait for her to wake up, so she can look into her eyes one more time.
She remembers every detail of those eyes, the brightest eyes she's ever seen, like they imprinted on her mind. They were so deep, like an endless sapphire galaxy, a thousand times wouldn't be enough to discover every hidden small detail of. Much like the galaxy around them she admires with all her heart.
She craves to look into them, to be consumed by them just one more time.
Even though this situation is nothing but unfamiliar for her, it's strange how the whole night felt like they've gone through the same motions for numerous times before, like they've known each other's bodies for a long time. The playful nips at collarbones, the pinches at hard nipples, the little licks and playful pecks on skin moist with sweet arousal and sweat from the intensity, every motion seemed so familiar in a pleasurable and at the same time, painfully cruel way.
It's cruel to think how they can't ever repeat any of them ever again.
She's already given up a lot for this night to happen. She gave up her rules about sex and one night stands, she gave up control and her security. It's too much already but she feels she would give up a lot more to catch a glance at those gorgeous blue eyes for one last time.
But her life has never been built around the things she would do.
Because if it were, then she would cup her jaw and trace her thumb all over her soft cheek, wait for her to wake up, so she can smile at her when she finally opens her eyes. She would ask what her name is, something she hates a little that she didn't do before and maybe that little gesture would lead to a wide range of possibilities in the future.
Possibilities of more talking, kissing and touching and repeating these over and over again.
But she is not meant to have these possibilities.
Her life is about what she can do, what she is capable of doing and what she is allowed to do. It's full of limitations she didn't set for herself, but she still finds a way to make it all work for her. She finds a way to push the boundaries of her existence, the life she was meant to have from the moment she was conceived, her parents meaning the encounter to be nothing more than what this night will mean for her after she gets over her odd fondness of this woman.
Right now, she has no idea how she will be able to convince herself that this night meant only sex though, but she knows she has to find a way to do it somehow.
She shakes her head a little, because she probably shouldn't even think about what she would do now, in case this beautiful woman wakes up and maybe she won't be able to resist her after all, and possibly throw away everything she's been fighting for her whole life at the same time.
So she really fucking shouldn't.
And that's why she tears her eyes away from her and glances up to the sky one more time.
It will be worth it, she reasons like she's done for numerous times in her twenty-four years of living, those occasions when she had to force herself to do something against her deepest and most secret wishes.
It will all be worth it.
The tormenting struggle to accept the fate she's been given.
All those nights of studying in the darkness of her room when her parents didn't watch and all those long hours of working unbearably shitty jobs to make a living somehow after she finally decided to leave home; and saving money which after four years of trying on her own turned into saving up for the only solution that made her able to achieve her goal and get into the place that offers her this chance of escaping.
Buying another person's identity and starting a new life as someone who could have easily achieved this goal without years of struggling if they simply wanted.
Because it was all in their genes.
It was all guaranteed from the second their parents stepped into the waiting room of their local geneticist to start the process of creating their baby. A baby that would be the mix of the best portions of them, simply a designation made of their best selves.
A valid person.
Much like the person that is still sleeping soundly beside her.
Because there is no way she would be anything other than valid with all the perfection she seems to be.
It barely crosses her mind for a nanosecond what she would do if it turned out the woman was an in-valid like her, before she inwardly laughs bitterly how stupid she was to even muse about that.
She almost forgot there is screening at the entrance of Nyx, preventing any in-valid entering the prestigious private nightclub of the company. Well, every one of them who doesn't use the blood sample of a valid person, pretending to be them like herself, so she can get access not only to this club, but the company itself.
The woman must be a valid.
This is the last thought that crosses her mind before she carefully slides to the edge of the bed and untangles herself from the silky sheets.
Her whole body freezes in the motion of standing up when she hears the woman stir behind her. She prays that she didn't interrupt her dreams when she turns around to look at her.
She breathes out with relief when she notices her still asleep; but she is quickly disturbed again, when she watches the woman reach out with her hand towards the spot on the bed her body was occupying merely a few seconds before, only to find nothing to hold on to.
She can't get her mind around this simple move. The woman searched for her, she wanted to touch her, even though she was unconscious.
It seems like she wanted her to stay beside her, she needed her body in her bed and she doesn't really know how to process this.
She doesn't really know how it feels to be wanted or needed.
But who she is kidding, it must have been simply an instinct that made her do it.
It must have been simply a physical need to have a warm body beside her and something soft under her hand, so she could continue to sleep comfortably.
She shakes her head at herself, because there is no way a woman like her would ever want her or need her.
With a deep sigh, she turns her back to the sight of the sleeping blonde and stands up at last.
She quickly grabs her hair tie to collect her hair in her signature tight bun, and then she searches for her clothes around the bed. She dresses herself as quietly as she can, not even pulling on her shoes since she doesn't want to wake the woman with the clapping sounds of her heels. She grabs her purse from the couch and tiptoes to the door, before turning around to trail her eyes on the half naked body of this flawless woman sleeping on the bed they were moving towards the edge for the third time just a few hours before.
She bites down on her bottom lip to keep her tears at bay, when the woman gathers a fistful of the sheets into her hand while a faint frown creeps up on her forehead.
She must feel there is something wrong, something missing under her palm.
It makes her heart ache that she is the one missing from there.
But she can't go back to bed. She can't go back to fall asleep again and wake up beside her in the morning. She can't smile at her when she opens her eyes to the morning light and she can't ask her name. She can't talk to her or kiss her or touch her anymore.
She can't even hope to do any of these again in the future.
Because after all, this woman is a valid and she, Santana Lopez is an in-valid.
There is no way there would be a possible chance for them together in any form of relationship.
With a shaky breath she tears her eyes away at last.
She straightens her back and lifts her chin high to get a little confidence, convincing herself that she can do this and grabs the handle to open the door.
Maybe leaving her place as fast as she can would make it easier.
But it's hard, because she knows the second she closes the door behind her, she would have to start letting it go.
The dancing, the kissing, the touching, the sex, forget about all of it.
This woman and everything she's made her feel tonight, she has to bury the memory of them into the darkest place of her mind.
She has to let her go.
Because there is one thing she knows for sure, one thought screaming repeatedly in her head and squeezing her heart just so tight it feels painful when she steps out of the house.
They are simply not meant to be.
So anybody has thoughts about this stuff?
I guess I will continue writing it for now, just to see if anybody is interested in reading it.
Well, also find me here if you want: emmanuelle-s on tumblr or livejournal