She didn't want to be able to believe how stupid she'd been, but she did. She knew how awful she could be. Standing there, talking to Jake like she didn't just passionately make out with Pudge, she also forgot about her dead mother. The mother that she could've saved, or at least tried to, but didn't.
She knew she drank to forget. She drank to forget about how much of a bitch she could be to the people that cared about her. She drank to forget about all of the impulsive decisions she'd made. Her drinking made her forget about the one she didn't make.
She didn't understand why she had friends or why anyone would want more than that with her. She was horrible to people. Pudge would not give up his pursuit of her even as she teased him endlessly. He had to know she wasn't seriously interested in him. But he didn't. She had really begun to like and respect Pudge as a friend. She loved her boyfriend, though. She made sure she reminded him of this after every time she decided to have fun screwing with his emotions.
The thing that she knew to be true was that she didn't deserve either of them. She loved her boyfriend, but not enough to keep her from leading Pudge on at every opportunity that was given to her. Not enough to keep her from kissing Pudge on that last night. Pudge was such a nice guy. A little bit delusional, but sweet. He could do so much better than her. She couldn't figure out who in their right mind would have delusions about her. Especially after all that she'd done to him. With a drunken and impulsive decision, she had taken pity on Pudge and let him fulfill some of his delusions. Now that she was more sober, although still pretty drunk, she became aware of how awful he was going to feel when realized that it wasn't going to be continued like she promised.
She was definitely going straight and fast in her labyrinth, but she wasn't heading towards the exit. She was going too straight and too fast to figure out if she was going the right way. She was just burrowing herself further into the labyrinth's depths. She needed to slow down, look around, and think about the best way for her to get out. She would start with her forgotten dead mother.
She frantically gathered up her flowers and took off for her mother's grave. As she flew down the highway, she decided to start being a better person. One day after her mother's death wasn't that bad, right? It was one day that she would never get back, though. Her mother was too good not to get that one day. It was one day and it was over. Then she though about all the other days where she retreated into self hate at the expense of those around her. Blue Citrus went faster and faster as she thought about all the days full of mistakes she would never get back. She began to ask herself questions that started with how, when, where, why or what that she wasn't really up for answering. When will she have made up for all the time she had wasted on going straight and fast further into the labyrinth? Where will this new path out of her labyrinth take her? Why should anyone choose to forgive someone who had been the person she was, even if it was possible for her to change? What could she possibly do to make up for it all? How many impulsive decisions would it take for her to reconcile herself to the one moment of indecision? As she came around a corner and saw the lights in the distance, she thought of an impulsive decision that would do it.
She aimed Blue Citrus right at the flashing blue lights and stepped hard on the accelerator. As she sped toward her death, she sobbed. She thought about how much better peoples' lives would be without her. Pudge would get his final rejection and his mind would cease to be screwed with. Maybe he would learn to be less delusional and to stop misimagining people. This would give him the chance to find a girl that was actually worth him. The roommates that she would've gotten wouldn't get ratted on like her past one. People might be sad at first, but they were wrong to like her in the first place. Why should they be sad about her death if she wasn't sad about it?
She could barely see the lights through the tears and the drunkenness. She thought about how Pudge would never know her last words as she burst through the barrier of her labyrinth into another world entirely.
What she never could've guessed was how much people stilled cared about her. She was perfectly imperfect. Sure, she made you feel like crap sometimes, but sometimes you needed someone to be blunt with you to put things into perspective. Everyone that mattered understood why she did the things she did. Nobody blamed her for the things she did except herself. Her impulsiveness could be bothersome at times, but her friends knew what it stemmed from. It made her the fun and exciting person they loved to be around. In the end, it became a part of her. It became the part that would cause the end of her.