A/N: Ok, this was really fun to write. I know it's a bit (extremely) messed up but whatever! Guess who the other Akatsuki are gonna be! I already have characters for them but I might change them if your ideas are better… Still, review please! And enjoy! WARNING! GAY STUFF! And I, unfortunately, own nothing but a weird young mind and a love for wasting time.
Chapter 1: The fucking white rabbit
Beneath a large oak tree a beautiful blonde boy whose name was Deidara had been rudely awoken from his sleep. Said boy snorted and snapped his eyes open, confused. He dazedly wiped a dry trail of drool from his chin and glanced around, not recognising where he was…
And who had dared to dress him in a French maid outfit…? Deidara's uncovered blue eye widened as he tried to cover himself up with the sky blue short, lacy outfit. His slim, tan legs were sporting an adorable pair of white and black striped stockings and his feet were laced into a pair of shiny black school-girl's pumps with little ribbons on the front. His "dress" was also decorated with ribbons and a frilly white apron and everything! Why? He was a man dammit! Why did so many people not respect that?
The adorable garment was tied with a large white bow at the back and the skirt finished far too high for the man's liking- it just about covered his private areas and whoever had done this to him hadn't been kind enough to provide any manly boxers to make up for the kinky role-play he was being forced into. No, the only thing covering him down there was a small pair of black frilled panties with tiny red clouds dotted on the material. The evil person had done this was going to pay…
The "man" slowly rose to his feet shaking with rage and his visible eye twitching. He glanced about some more, appearing to be in an unfamiliar forest somewhere. He had been about to climb a tree and get a better view of where to head when he heard screaming heading his way. The blonde whipped his head around, squinting into the distance as a figure raced closer, yelling at the top of their lungs as they wove between the large trees.
"Fuck, shit, piss, bollox, crap, I'm so fucking late dammit!" Deidara pursed his lips; he knew that voice from somewhere…
"FUCK, SHIT, BOLLOX, CRAP, GODDAMN IT I AM SO FUCKING LATE THAT BITCH IS GONNA FUCKING KILL ME! FUUU-"
Hidan froze mid-sprint as he caught sight of his fellow Akatsuki member. Both men stared at one another. The Jashin worshiper was wearing a pair of white leather loafers, white suit trousers, a cherry-blossom pink waistcoat buttoned up with shiny silver buttons over a white cotton shirt, the usual pendant round his neck had been replaced by a silver pocket watch with the triangle within a circle symbol engraved on the back and… a pair of pure-white fluffy bunny ears poking out of his head and a fuzzy cotton tail sticking out of the trousers.
Both males fell to the forest floor howling with laughter.
"What… the fuck… Are you wearing…?" Hidan gasped between fits of giggles.
"What about you, un?" Deidara retorted wiping a tear from his eye beneath his golden fringe.
"Go die, bitch; I fucking always look like this, since that whore cast a spell on us!" Hidan pouted, looking at his watch. "Holy shit, I'm fucked…"
"Huh?" Deidara stared at the zealot. "What are y-"
"No time!" Hidan caught the blonde's wrist in a death-grip and ran like the wind, dragging Deidara along too. "Hurry the fuck up!"
Under a particularly large tree there was a hole in the ground. A very large hole which Deidara had been about to warn Hidan about since he seemed to be heading directly for said hole. However just as the bomber had opened his mouth Hidan heaved the smaller male under his arm and jumped high above the opening in the ground shouting "CANNON BOMB!"
Deidara screamed (in a very manly voice, as I'm sure you can imagine) and the pair hurtled down into the ground at such a speed that Hidan's long white ears were flapping above him and anybody bellow would have a lovely view of Deidara's panties. The blonde started to see his life flash before his eyes. Clay birds and sticks of dango floated through the dark tunnel past them. The artist clung to Hidan for dear life, who was wearing a giant crazy grin on his face, as the pair fell.
After what felt like a whole minute- which is a long time one takes to fall down a humongous rabbit hole- Deidara started thinking clearly. He planned to live by grabbing some clay and making a bird to fly on and escape gravity. With a triumphant grin he went to grab the clay… And all he found in his pockets were stupid little biscuits that said "eat me" on them. Deidara shrieked in horror as the tiled floor this hole had at the end of it began rushing towards them.
"Oh shit," Hidan gasped, looking at the blonde under his arm.
"I forgot you aren't fucking immortal." Hidan facepalmed with his free hand.
Deidara's eyes went wide and he flinched, expecting the hit the tiles painfully at any moment…
Any moment now…
The blonde cracked an eye open, wondering why there was no pain and death. Hidan stood on the tiles, still carrying him under his arm with his other arm bent in the air so he could stick a finger in his long floppy white rabbit ear. He wrinkled his nose and flicked whatever he'd found away with mild distaste. He noticed Deidara staring.
"Heh, you totally thought you'd fucking croak just now, right?"
The blonde pouted and demanded the rabbit put him down. Hidan shrugged and dropped him to the floor.
Deidara groaned whilst rubbing the side he'd landed on. He had been about to punch the zealot when he realised he had vanished.
"Hidan? Where'd you go, un?"
The bomber sat up and looked around, seeing nothing other than a yellow and black tiled floor and a tiny door in a nasty yellow coloured wall.
"How the hell did you fit through there, un?" the artist mumbled to himself.
"It's piss easy," the Jashinist's voice squeaked.
"Hidan?" The blonde glared at the floor, searching. He finally found his rabbit; only the man was now palm-sized. Deidara grinned and grabbed him, earning a high-pitched curse. "Aaww! Little Hidan is so cuuuuute, un!"
Deidara was careful not to grip him too hard as he rubbed the tip of his finger over the little man's soft white head and ears. It was hard to tell what with him being so tiny but Deidara thought the male blushed. "Fucking let me go you giant transvestite!"
The blonde pouted and dropped him, earning another cuss.
"Hmph. How do you like it, un?"
"Fine, I'll just leave your giant ass here then. But you'll be lonely and fucking bored too…" The tiny rabbit began heading for the miniature door in the wall.
"Wait, un!" Deidara shoved a hand in the way. "Help me! How do I get out of here?"
The zealot smiled up at him cruelly. "The only way to escape would be to fight the bitch that runs this place and fucking started all this…" he gestured to his bunny tail.
"The fucking Red Queen. She's gonna chop off my head again if I don't hurry up and get you to her." Hidan pointed at the blonde. "You better blow the shit outta her or else I'm wasting my fucking time and we'll be stuck here like this for a while…"
"How? Where is she, un?" the blonde raised Hidan to his eye level so he wouldn't have to shout. Of course, the little rabbit-man shouted anyway.
"You gotta get your fat ass through that door."
Deidara pouted. "I'm not fat, un… and how, I'm a lot bigger than you!"
Hidan rolled his eyes. "No shit! Well, since you don't posses the powers I do I guess I'll have to give them to you."
"Like in a potion, un?" Deidara asked innocently, setting the rabbit down and watching curiously.
Hidan chuckled, "Something like that…"
The artist watched in awestruck silence as the cursing rabbit grew to be the same size as he had been before: just a few inches taller than Deidara. He smirked down at the staring maid, who began to get up off the floor- till Hidan grabbed placed a hand on top of his head and held him down. The blonde blushed as he realised he was eye level with Hidan's crotch.
"Lemme go, Hidan, un!" Deidara struggled but got nowhere.
"You wanna escape, you're gonna have to gain some of my powers and abilities, right?"
The blonde didn't reply, he simply stared up at the man with a bright blush on his face.
"C'mon, Dei-chan!" Hidan ruffled the suddenly timid boy's soft golden hair. "Do you see a magical potion around here to help you out instead? Fuck no! Don't worry, it doesn't taste that bad…"
"Really, un?" one blue eye looked up hopefully.
Hidan smiled, "I promise. But you gotta swallow it all or else you'll have to do it all over again, which would be fucking great but would take longer."
The blonde chewed his lip and took a deep breath. He kneeled up and pushed some hair off his face. He gave Hidan a wary glance before sighing and reaching up and cupping the older male's crotch. The zealot watched with exited purple eyes as Deidara unzipped his white trousers and let them fall to the tiled floor. The bomber was met by a pair of black boxers with a similar pattern as his underwear. Deidara frowned at this, wondering what that was all about but dismissing the thought and hesitantly rubbed the half-hard shaft through his pants.
"Fuck," the zealot gasped with a grin. "I'd forgotten you have those palm-mouths. Shit this is gonna be fucking amazing."
For whatever reason, hearing this made Deidara actually want to please Hidan; he didn't want to let the teammate down. Still, did that kind of loyalty even apply to blow jobs? Apparently so…
When the tent in Hidan's boxers grew to be double the size it had been the blonde gulped and peeled away the cloth, praying it wouldn't be too bad. He took the pink, swollen head into his mouth and clasping the base with his left hand. His right hand was used to support Deidara's weight by gripping firmly onto Hidan's strong, firm thigh. Hidan was much larger than Deidara had expected. The erect member had about three inches on the blonde's. He released the tongue of his left palm-mouth and stroked the thick manhood slowly, from base –where the side of his hand brushed against soft, white pubic hair- to the skin before the tip- where Deidara's mouth on his face was sucking.
Hidan grunted after a dozen of these slow, wet strokes, and gently rocked his hips forward, forcing himself further into the blonde's moist, hot cavern. Deidara hummed slightly, getting the hang of it. He sped up his pumping, squeezing harder as he worked his palm mouth and closed his eyes in concentration. He sucked harder, swirling his tongue over and around the tip before sliding and grinding it into the tip. The zealot was panting hard, watching as Deidara attempted to swallow more of him. The blonde tried to relax his throat muscles and clenched his fist tighter still whilst pumping, inching more and more of Hidan's hot, large member into his mouth as he bobbed his head forwards and back.
The rabbit man did his best not to grab the blonde's hair and simply fuck his face. The problem was he'd never had self-control worth shouting about. Hidan took a hold of either side of the blonde's face and pulled his face closer to his body, resulting in the blonde moaning in complaint and embarrassment. The vibrations resonated through the older male's body and made him groan out loud, feeling pleasure buzz through his veins and pool at his groin. He made no effort to hold back his orgasm.
Deidara was very surprised and kind of impressed with himself, as well as feeling slightly repulsed by the apparent natural talent he had for giving head. Hidan had opted for resting a single hand on the back of the blonde's soft head as he closed his eyes, a happy grin on his face, as he rocked his cock deeper into the younger male's mouth kneeling before him. His hips faltered in their rhythm slightly before eagerly speeding up as the blonde brought his other hand up from Hidan's thigh. He slid the tongue along the male's sensitive inner thigh and lightly cupped his balls. The zealot hissed in delight as Deidara's third mouth licked and sucked the balls he was rolling in his hand. The bomber brought his head forwards and backwards faster as he gripped tighter onto the throbbing length before him, now coated in the saliva from his palm.
Hidan groaned, eagerly sliding himself deeper down the blonde's throat. This was too good. Pressure had been building in his lower regions for some time now and he had been unconsciously prolonging his climax since the feeling was so good he didn't want it to "cum" to an end. He grinned stupidly at his own little joke- a smile that quickly turned to a silent scream as he felt the blonde begin to skilfully deep-throat him. His entire shaft was now being swallowed by the talented little man-maid kneeling between his legs. Deidara swallowed around the quivering member, feeling it throb in his hot, wet mouth. He pressed the flat of his tongue against the underside, tracing a vein he felt, bobbing his head faster and swallowing as often as he could to an erratic rhythm.
Hidan moaned, pushing Deidara's head down and properly going to town with forcing himself into the younger male's mouth. The blonde did his best not to gag as he allowed the Jashinist to pound between his lips.
"F-Fuck, I'm gonna fucking c-cum… A-ah…"
Hidan groaned loudly, the sound echoing off the tiles of the small room, and rocked his hips forward for a last couple of thrusts. Deidara sucked harder, swallowing when he could and feeling pre leak down his throat. Panting hard the older male gripped Deidara's head with both hands, feeling a coil snap inside of him. Hidan cursed loudly as pleasure like none he'd ever known rushed through him, burning and searing through his quaking body. His knees shook and he locked his leg muscles in place, throwing his head back and hips forward. He buried himself inside the blonde's wet, heated mouth and shot salty white ribbons into his waiting mouth and slightly sore throat.
The artist blushed deeply and did his best to suck Hidan dry and swallow the load whilst the taller male refused to release the blonde's silky, long locks. The man rocked in and out, riding his high with a light blush on his face as the blonde squeezed his eyes shut and continued to swallow, his cheeks deflating slightly with each gulp. Hidan sighed loudly as he finished, pulling up his pants and blushing slightly when he saw Deidara -whose hair was messy but the maid outfit intact and undisturbed- free his slowly softening cock from his pretty lips with a pop. He helped Hidan redress himself. The zealot dropped to a crouch before the somewhat flustered blonde, their faces but mere inches apart as the zealot stared deep into the younger man's uncovered blue eye.
"Thank you very much," he said in a surprisingly polite manner.
He wiped a long finger from the blushing artist's collar bone and all the way back up his neck, over his chin and to the corner of his lips. Deidara saw it was an escaped trail of semen and quickly remembered to take the finger into his mouth and suck the liquid off, swallowing once more. Instantly both men began shrinking. Deidara watched in fascination as the room expanded around them, the entrance to the hole looking even further away than before. The pair made their way to the tiny door. Hidan placed his hand on the doorknob but stopped mid turn when spoken to.
"You're not to tell anyone about that, un," the blonde warned, his blush receding as he fixed his hair.
Hidan smirked evilly, "Of course not, I'll just tell them you drank the fucking potion or some bullshit li-"
"WHAT POTION!" Deidara demanded, stomping his foot in a very girly action.
The Jashinist slipped a glass vile from his back pocket.
"This one, calm the fuck down…"
"CALM DOWN, UN? YOU MADE ME SUCK YOUR COCK FOR NOTHING!" the blonde shrieked at the top of his lungs.
Hidan chuckled, tossing the glass to him. "I'm just fucking with you; that's Mountain Dew. Doesn't shrink you or give you wings or whatever, but fuck does it taste good."
Deidara glared hard at the rabbit man as he chugged the drink. It was true, the blonde's body wasn't changed… though it did taste pretty good. "Hmph. Better than your cum, I guess, un."
Hidan laughed, "You're so fucking cute when you're mad! Especially…" he gestured to the blonde's outfit and waggled his eyebrows.
"You're not getting anything more from me, un."
Hidan shrugged, taking Deidara's hand and guiding him closer to the door. "I've got someone I'm interested in anyway. And he's in there. Still, it was nice fucking with you, now let's go find them!"
"Wait, who, un?" The door was thrown open and a strange world was revealed.
The rabbit man grinned, "You'll see, now let's hurry the fuck up we're still late!"
Mad hatter- Sasori
Red Queen- Itachi
Cheshire cat- Pein
Tweedle dee- Black Zetsu
Tweedle dum- White Zetsu
Playing Card- Konan
March Hare- Tobi