WARNING! This is a gag fic. It was written in the hopes that those reading it would just have a good laugh. There are references to YGOTAS by LittleKuriboh, adult themed jokes, and there are quite a few puns at multiple shipping pairings, and a really wacky sex scene. Also the fourth wall is not stable.
It's Five O'Clock Somewhere
Our story begins on a very warm summer's day at the beach. The sand is smooth and dusted with shells and a few crabs. Every few seconds the surf licks over the sand and then teasingly slides away only to come back again. A light breeze is blowing, which causes the long sagging leaves of the palm trees to sway slightly. The calming sound of the ocean on such a beautiful day such as this is appreciated by everyone, but none so much so as the visitors to the 'Its five o'clock somewhere' Tiki hut.
"Marik please stop putting those ice cubes on your nipples." Bakura nearly growled as he drank the last of his rum.
The sandy haired blonde cast him an irritated scowl "You know I have a nipple fetish. I can not help it. Every time I'm handed a drink with ice I just have to. It begins to hurt if I don't."
"Then could you at least refrain from trailing them down your stomach?"
"Foolish fool! Everyone knows that once you put ice on your nipples you have to follow it up with a sexy trail down the stomach. How else are the fan girls supposed to fantasize about licking the water off my skin."
"Is that why you're the only one here is a Speedo?"
"You heard what that song said Bakura. If you're sexy and you know it, and you're at the beach, then you have to be in a Speedo trying to tan your cheeks."
Bakura growled in agitation "Then I demand that you-" he looked pointedly at Yami "stop giving him drinks!"
Yami raised a brow in his direction "I work here remember. I can not stop serving alcohol unless I feel someone is intoxicated."
"And you feel that he's not?" Bakura pointed toward Marik, who at that moment was twirling around on the rotating stool.
"He always acts like that so it's impossible to tell. Besides, it's not my fault he keeps ordering a Sex on the Beach on the rocks." He wiped a hand over his forehead "It certainly is hot today. I think I'll join you, Marik, in being shirtless." Yami set down the glass he had been cleaning, grabbed the hem of the floral Hawaiian shirt he had on and tugged it over his head. Sun kissed white skin over a slim flat stomach was revealed to the cool air. When he had the shirt off Yami groaned in relief and tossed the shirt behind him carelessly "That feels so much better."
"Bakura why don't you take off your shirt?" Marik asked.
"Not a chance."
"Aw, why not? Yami has his shirt off and so do I. Practically every fangirl right now is screaming for you to take yours off."
"I'm not bloody taking my shirt off! There is no logical reason!"
"Hey is that Bakura coming toward us?"
"What? What are you talking about Yami Bakura is right here."
Yami grabbed Marik's chin and forcibly turned his head toward the picturesque view of the beach. "I meant Ryou." Sure enough jogging his way down the beach was Ryou on his morning run, headphones on and Ipod in pocket. When the young teen spotted them he ran over.
Slipping the headphones off his ears he smiled warmly "Good morning everyone. How are you all doing?"
"Ryou take your shirt off." Marik started in.
Ryou's face went from delighted amusement to outright horror. A dark blush colored his cheeks "W-What? I cannot possibly do that."
"What the ef! Are all British people this uptight about nudity?"
"I'm afraid so." Bakura answer as he held out his glass for Yami to fill it.
"I'm not uptight!" Ryou countered.
"Then prove it." Marik grinned evilly. Ryou took a step back, trembling slightly. He gulped and took off the headphones from around his neck. He placed them and his Ipod on the counter. With a completely red face his hands grasped the bottom of his shirt and slowly brought it up, but stopped half way. "Oh for the-" Marik growled as he stood up. "Let me help you." He grabbed Ryou's hands.
Ryou panicked "No! I can-" he tried to move away by Marik held on firmly. The two started struggling and eventually ended up falling down into the sand, with Ryo crying for him to stop.
"I wonder what the name of that shipping is?" Yami asked absently as he turned away to fill Bakura's drink. When he turned back to had the drink over he heard a very familiar voice call out to him.
"Yami!" Yami turned to see Yugi, dressed in nothing but Pikachu swim trunks, racing toward him with a wide grin on his face.
"Partner!" Yami called back and waved. Bakura looked over his shoulder and rolled his eyes. He grabbed the drink from Yami's hand sand downed it in one gulp. Yugi dashed across the sand to the hut, opened the door and leaped into Yami's waiting arms. He laughed joyously and when they parted he leaned up to kiss Yami's cheek. The elder chuckled at this then looked around "Where is Atem?"
"Oh, he's right behind me." Yugi turned and pointed. Just on the horizon Yami could make out a tanned figure holding an umbrella and cooler. "I raced on ahead because I wanted to see you."
Yami laughed "Well that-" he didn't get to finish his sentence because he mouth was suddenly silenced by Yugi's lips. The boy wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Yami's eyes closed as he angled his head to deepen the kiss, letting his tongue run over Yugi's bottom lip. Yugi moaned just before he opened for him.
"Oh would you two wankers get a room!" Bakura yelled.
His yell, unfortunately, was followed by a rather abrupt squeak from Ryou and Marik calling "I've got it!" Bakura banged his head on the counter.
"Well it seems like you all are having fun." Atem chuckled as he approached the hut. He unloaded the cooler off his shoulder and set it down in the sand before opening the umbrella and sticking it in the sand as well. He walked over to Yami and Yugi, who had just finished their rather tongue stimulating kiss, and grasped the back of Yami's head, turning it toward him. He pushed his lighter skinned self up against the wall of the hut and proceeded to kiss him with all the hunger of a starving man. Nails racked down bare chests and hands went to grab tight backsides. They parted, smiling.
"Honestly, I never realized how messed up our show is."
Yugi, Yami, and Atem turned toward him. "What are you talking about?" Atem asked.
Bakura shook his head "Where to begin. For starters we have-" at that precise moment Marik slid onto the stool right next to Bakura, grinning, with shirt in hand. A trembling Ryou soon sat on his other side, looking as if he were about to cry. "As I was saying, for starters we have mid-drift boy over here who is into almost every fetish there is. Then we have you" he pointed to Yugi "Who many speculate is just one birthday away from being a shota. And he's constantly paired with you two. A thousand year old spirit or the past self version of said spirit which is a sixteen to eighteen year old pharaoh. Not to mention the few other mind bending spinoffs."
"Did someone mention us?" Everyone turned to see Yusei pushing his duelrunner across the sand and Jaden practically bounding toward them with his winged kuriboh is tow. Both of were course wearing nothing but swim trunks.
"Hey guys what's up!" Jaden grinned.
"Should you even be here? You're a little to young to be at a tiki bar." Marik voiced
"Oh, and Yugi isn't." Jaden shot back. He turned to look at Yugi "Hey Yugi. This place have any whipped cream we can share?"
"Yusei why did you bring your bike here?"
"I never go anywhere without my bike. Even the beach." Yusei answered Yami. "Can I have a drink?"
"Sure, what's your poison?"
"Can you do a No Homo?"
"No, sorry. I'm afraid I can only do an All of the Homo."
"Then I'll have that."
"Wow, the jokes here are so original." Bakura said sarcastically.
Atem however did not hear him because he was to busy daydreaming. The moment Bakura had mentioned Yugi being a shota Atem's devilish mind had started conjuring up fantasies. He was currently imaging Yugi running down the beach in slow motion. Then he would stop and kneel down in the sand to build a sand castle. He could just picture Yugi's angelic face, so happy and care free. He would be there, of course, probably watching Yugi from a distance. Yugi would continue playing, not realizing how his utter moeness was affecting Atem. After a while Atem would then call Yugi over and tell him that he was getting a little pink and needed to apply more sun screen. He would then instruct the boy to lay down on his stomach and let Atem rub the sunscreen onto his back. Oh, wouldn't that be fun. He could already hear Yugi's little moans and whimpers as he slowly became aroused. And if it just so happened that those itty bitty little swim trunks came off somehow, well that wasn't his fault.
Another fantasy popped into his imagination. What if while Yugi was building his sand castle and evil man eating giant crab, who likes to play with his food first, came along and snatched his little swim trunks away. Yugi would immediately burst into tears and scream. Atem would then swoop in and save the day by... by... bitch slapping the crab with his giant penis. Wait- was it still a bitch slap if it was with his penis? Cock-slap, whatever. Yugi would be so grateful that he would beg Atem to just take him right there on the beach while the surf kissed their bodies.
Then there was his other fantasy where Yugi, draped in flowers, was presented to him by a tribal village as an offering to the gods. Atem would accept the offering and then thoroughly enjoy bathing Yugi in fragrant floral scented oils and teasing him all over his body with the flower petals. Yugi draped in pastel colored flowers sounded just too good. He could already hear Yugi moaning sexually as he entered the boy and slammed his hips against the boy's bottom.
"Oh yeah do me hard and deep. You know just how I like it." Atem gulped. He could even vividly hear Yugi's voice. "Hmm, what shall we do after all this hard thrusting. Oh! I know. I nice cum scene. With your cum dripping all down my back and bottom." Atem blinked. What? He turned to find Yugi staring up at him with a knowing smile "Now that I have your attention. I want some ice-cream."
"Watch out Atem. Your nose is starting to bleed." Yusei smirked.
Marik looked around "Well it looks like anyone worth mentioning is here. Yami, can I have another Sex on the Beach? You should try one Bakura. They're really good."
"No thanks, I'm not interested in a Sex on the Beach."
"What about a White Russian?"
"Coconut cum vodka- I mean cream vodka?"
"... definitely no."
"You're just making things up now."
"How about a Drink of the Gods?"
"...Well that doesn't sound too bad."
"Yes! I have won once again! Yami, another Sex on the Beach on the rocks!"
"Oh for the love of-"
"Can I try a sex on the beach?" Yugi asked.
"Oh yes, yes you can." Atem purred.
"Hey, does anyone know who that is?" Jaden pointed at the figure of a boy sunning toward them. When his face, and ridiculous hair, came into view everyone breathing in a gasp.
"Hey guys I was told there was a party." Yuma began "SoI-"
"Be gone! We do not acknowledge your existence!" Everyone yelled.
A/N: This was going to be a rated T fic. But after I was done I was done I realized that if I did keep it a rated T fic it would be my ONLY one. And that just didn't sit well with me. So, I added more sex jokes and description. Do not take this fic seriously. It was meant to be insane and funny.