ENTITLED: Spank Not the Dragon
FANDOM: Avatar: The Legend of Korra
LENGTH: 1,400 words
SETTING: post season one finale
NOTES: So, I'm totally drawing up an outline for some serious multi-chapter LoK epic, but then I jammed to that sick Tahno dubstep for like thirty minutes so I could be excused from other activities, and then suddenly I was writing this absurdity.
SUMMARY: Wherein Tahno forces his way onto Team Avatar, those caught in the crossfire struggle to decide if they should be aroused or appalled, and Korra discovers migraines. — Korra, Tahno, Mako

The invasion began on a Friday, approximately an hour after dinner time. Bolin was the first victim.

"Help me," Bolin whispered, his voice feeble. Korra looked around, spotted the irregularity, and then was not entirely sure how to proceed.

"Tahno?" she wasn't sure.

"Oh, hey," Tahno looked up from her sink. His face was covered with a thick, green-tinted cream, "By the way, you're out of facial scrub."

"I." Korra looked around the room for something to defend herself with, then remembered that she was the Avatar, "You're here?"

"Um," Tahno took a very long time in looking up and down his body, "Yeah."

"...are you going to leave?" Korra asked hopefully. Tahno didn't bother with feigning affront.

"I thought I'd join Team Avatar in return for the whole restoring-my-bending thing."


News of the intruder spread quickly through the island. Asami mysteriously declared that she was urgently required to attend to some extremely important matters outside of the country which absolutely could not wait one more second.

Mako was a little slower on the uptake, and so unwittingly walked straight into the danger zone. He was immediately ambushed.

"Hey," Tahno shook back his coif, "There's enough pretty in this room without both of us. Why don't you go and cool off somewhere, fire-boy?"

Mako's eyes went slightly distant, "...did you just hit on me."

"I've found that if you don't speak and hold yourself very still, he tends to forget that other people are in the room," Bolin's voice offered in a loud whisper. Mako whipped around and found that his brother was, indeed, shoved into the corner with his arms held rigidly at his sides.

"Please leave," Korra moaned from the floor. Mako looked down. She stared grimly back at him.

"Is this guy bothering you?"

"Yes," Bolin shrilled quietly from his semi-hiding place. Tahno, who did not appear to be even slightly concerned with the misery of those around him, sprawled casually across Korra's bed, and began removing his shoes. Mako looked back down at the floor.

"He's sleeping in your bed?"

"I don't really know how that happened," she muttered sulkily, and rolled onto her side, pouting.

Tahno caught Mako's glare, "Oh, don't look at me like I'm the bad guy. I'll share!"

When Korra woke up the next morning, she was still on the floor, Bolin was still hugging the wall, Mako was hiding, and Tahno was on his fourth bottle of hair gel.

"How can you possibly spend that much time on your hair every day?" asked the wall.

"You wouldn't understand," Tahno said with a sniff, "It's a water-tribe thing," he sent Korra a knowing look. She stared back at him blankly. "Water tribe," he mouthed, putting a fist against his chest, then extending it towards her. Korra slowly turned away from him, and stared pleadingly at the wall which had once been Bolin.

"Nuh-uh," the wall said, and shook his head emphatically, "I do not engage."

Korra despaired.

"Hey, Korra," Tahno called, "How's about that...private lesson?" He wriggled his eyebrows.

"I have to go air thing," Korra announced, and scrambled to her feet. Tahno raised his eyebrows.

"Air bend?"

"Whatever. Why don't you go...find Mako. Because...because he said he'd buy you dinner!" She ran into the door on her way out.

"How did you find me?" Mako asked around his mouthful of noodles. Tahno flopped into the booth next to him.

"My attractive young female spies are everywhere," he answered loftily, "And Korra said you'd buy me dinner.

Mako thought of a few choice things to say to Korra about that, and then scooted to the far end of his stool, and tried to resign himself to a very long evening.

"She was lonely without you, by the way," Tahno added. "At least, I think that's why she kept smashing things. She calmed down a little after I gave her a back-rub."

Mako stuffed too many noodles into his mouth.

"Do you want one too? I promise, it'll make you shiver. She sure did."

Mako no longer knew how to deal with his bewilderment, "Alright, seriously, are you trying to pull something on Korra?"

Tahno swiveled slowly on the barstool, and swung one leg over the other before replying, "I owe her for my bending, fire-boy."

"Yeah, which is why I don't understand why you are ruining our lives."

Tahno gave him an arch look, "Oh, I see what this is all about. You think Korra and I are having a little thing on the side."

Mako could not think of a single thing to say.

"Simmer down, little man," Tahno flipped his hair with an oily chuckle, "I mean, I admit it, the little lady's got the hots for me. But between you and me? I don't do long term." He winked, stretched, and slurped thoughtfully at his noodles, "But then again, have you seen her b — "

"It was an accident," Mako mumbled feebly.

"You smashed six bowls over his head," the shop proprietor screamed, "Six!"

"I mean," Mako looked at his feet, "I'm sure he'll wake up eventually."

"Six bowls! I should have you arrested!"

"I, uh," Mako pawed at his wallet, "Please just take my money."

Tahno's total recovery time, as it turned out, was about ten minutes. "Wow," he noted from the cradle of Mako's arms, "Aren't you strong."

Mako dropped him. Tahno landed better than he would have liked, and scrambled to his feet with a grimace, nursing the back of his head, "Did you knock me out with a noodle bowl?"

"Shut up."

"And here I thought Korra was the hot-head."

Mako hunched his shoulders up to his ears.

"You can't go around braining every man who notices her...assets," Tahno continued loftily, whilst Mako ground his teeth, "Believe me. There will be plenty."

"Why do people like you?" Mako snapped.

"You want me to go into a sewer."

"Yes," Korra said, all sweet patience, "It's the easiest way to do recon work."

"Hobos live in the sewer," Tahno protested with a shudder, "What will you do if I get bitten?"

"Rejoice," Mako muttered.

Bolin slapped on his most winning smile. "It'll be fine! No problem for a pro-bending champ like you."

Tahno regarded them all in haughty silence, then turned and strode majestically into the sewer, water bending the dirty water away from his new shoes.

There was a slight pause as the other three watched him go.

"Can I lock him in now?" Bolin asked.