PWP. Seriously, though. No point to this at all. Mostly it's just all I've ever wanted for these kids. It's nothing more than a very long crack!fic. I tried to be humorous and witty, but I quite possibly just failed miserably.

Title from the sound - paper route.


a furnace in our chests.

Matt turns in September by Caroline's blood and feeds on his old boss at Mystic Grill.

It's a shock to everyone when he demands—no, seriously, he sat them all down at the boarding house and gave them a speech that made Elena cry and you guys are fucking assholes if you don't do this for me, do you know how much I've been through—to be turned.

Which he thinks is absolutely ridiculous and hilarious at the same time. They all can be so incompetent sometimes, honestly.

It's not so much that he asks Caroline, it's more that she demands that she be the one to give him vampire blood. She quirks up with one of her bright smiles and giggles like she's five, says Matty you have to let me!

So yeah. And Damon wasn't really happy about that, but Caroline told him green didn't look so great on him and that shut him up because obviously he has temperament issues.

Stefan is so broody about it; gives Matt a list of things that could go wrong, a list of foods he's going to want to stay away from right after turning, and asks him repeatedly: you sure, Matt? With his serious vampire face.

Elena, who shows indifference about the situation, laughs and pulls on Stefan's arm, tells him to leave Matt alone.

"I'm being cautious, Elena." Stefan frowns.

Elena gives him a casual mhm and kisses the corner of his mouth.

Tyler, obviously, is as excited as Caroline, if not more. He talks about an eternal bromance and a different secret handshake for each continent they'll visit and Matt laughs, agrees wholeheartedly.

Jeremy scoffs from the couch, "Guys, what about me?" And Tyler makes some comment that goes like: bro, bro, bro. Eternal brotp right here.

They all laugh and Damon rolls his eyes so far back in his head that Caroline jokes they may get stuck.

He mocks her laugh then lets her kiss him.

–;

Matt wakes up to twelve eyes staring at him and he's freaked out; gripes about it later, seriously, that was such an intimate moment and you guys were hovering over me like vul

"Dude, shut up." Damon scolds him distastefully. Matt doesn't appreciate it.

Anyway.

He wakes up suddenly with a headache and a pulsating feeling running throughout his body; his eyes widen when he notices everyone staring.

Caroline has a small smile on her face, Damon looks bored but accomplished (he's the one who snapped Matt's neck—talk about distasteful, Elena scoffs—), Stefan is worried per usual, and while Elena tries to coax the worry out of his brow, her brother and Tyler are giggling like school girls by the time Matt isn't so disoriented.

I feel different, he tells them.

Hungry, he says a moment later.

Really hungry, he says, gums hurt.

"Let's get the kid some blood, how 'bout it?" Damon suggests, snapping his fingers when no one moves.

"I'm on it!" Tyler volunteers. They all hear him squealing from excitement as he walks off; Don't let him know we heard, Caroline says. "He gets embarrassed."

Damon rolls his eyes at what he has to put up with.

He thinks Stefan understands by the amount worry still on his brow. "Stef, handle that." And he shoos him away with a dissatisfied look on his face. Elena follows Stefan out.

–;

Tyler struts back in the room sucking from one blood bag while holding one for Matt. He hands it to him, "I opened it for you, buddy," he says eagerly.

The veins bulge around Matt's eyes and he attacks the head of the bag fervently. Caroline has to clear her throat a little bit after it starts getting inappropriate.

Dude, Jeremy says repeatedly, wonders if he acted the same back when he turned. Caroline nods her head when he turns to her, like she knows just what he was thinking.

Jeremy supposes he can't really say anything then.

–;

They ignore the part where he turns into a screaming, bloodthirsty dingbat—

"Seriously, Matt. I thought you'd be able to handle this better—"

"Damn, Stefan, you weren't kidding all those years ago—this is very addicting." He licks blood from each of his fingers.

Caroline: "We're going to have to do something about this."

Damon: "I say we get rid of him. I mean honestly, how many of you really need him arou— "

Caroline: "Tyler, put your hand down." She rolls her eyes. "We aren't getting rid of him."

Elena: "Stefan can fix him!" She turns to Stefan with bright eyes, "Right?"

Stefan releases a heavy breath, "I suppose I can make something work."

Damon claps Stefan on the back as he retreats out of the room; good luck, brother.

—decide to leave that part out of their story.

–;

They lock Matt in the cell in the basement—is this really necessary? He asks with his hands wrapped around the bars and his face pressed against it—and Stefan demands that no one goes down to visit him.

"Not even you, Tyler." He gives him the serious vampire look.

"Yessir," Tyler responds, salutes him.

He's so childish, Damon murmurs to Elena from the couch as they watch. She sighs, "Well, we can only embrace it, I suppose." Damon rolls his eyes.

Really, what has he gotten himself into.

–;

They have family dinner because Caroline suggest that they all sit down and hash it out.

("Damon, you really need to air out your problems." She tsks.)

"Now, we are all gathered here tonight to discuss— "

"Stef, pass me the rolls, will you?" Damon asks, completely disregarding Caroline's speech.

Caroline's face distorts into a dissatisfied expression and she begins to protest, but Elena shakes her head, letting her know it's not worth it.

Caroline sighs and takes her seat next to Damon, makes sure to stab him with her fork when he tries to steal food from her plate.

Jeremy laughs and Stefan rolls his eyes.

Damon does air out his issues. In fact, everyone's dinner is cold by the time he finishes talking—but it's more like complaining and yelling and cursing.

Caroline's thinking it was a bad idea— "I'm going to go check on Matt." She pushes her chair back and is already halfway down the hall before Damon notices.

"—I think," Tyler pauses, "I'll join her." He looks to Jeremy who nods eagerly, "Yeah." And they're gone.

Damon stops mid sentence and looks at the table, shrugs his shoulders, then continues to detail how obnoxious it is to wake up to birds chirping at his window and whistling coming from downstairs—

Stefan sighs loudly, mumbles a swear, tosses his napkin down, and walks away.

—and the amount of laundry that is piling up and he won't be the one who washes all of those articles of clothing, no.

Elena stays, bless her heart. Listens intently as he goes into grave detail about each item on his list—he pulled it out of his back pocket midway through because he kept forgetting the minor details—and interjects every once in a while to assure him that she is listening.

("Elena, sometimes you just have to learn to ignore my brother," Stefan reprimands.

She looks at him in a way that's familiar; something endearing in her features. "I felt bad for him. You know, after everything, the whole it's always going to be Stefan, I feel like I owe it to him to at least sit through his meltdowns."

Stefan sighs, walks to her, "Elena, ever the martyr. Sacrificing yourself so others don't have to endure his whining." Kisses her on her forehead. "What would we do without you."

She smirks, scoffs a little, "I know I'm great.")

–;

Downstairs, in the basement, they all tiptoe to the cell; everyone whispering but Tyler. He attributes his inability to whisper to his awesomeness, and even Jeremy gets embarrassed for him at that one.

They reach the cell in single file; Caroline in front followed by Tyler, Jeremy, and Stefan bringing up the rear.

"You know, Care, I should probably be up there in front. I am the one who's been coaching him, after all."

Caroline shushes him and peeps through the bars of the cell door. Matt is sitting on the cot with his head in his hands.

"Matt!" Caroline whispers.

"I am. So. Parched." His voice is hoarse and he doesn't smell great, Caroline can already tell.

She whips around to Stefan, forgets that she was trying to be quiet, "Have you been starving him?"

"What—no! He is over exaggerating!" Stefan retorts defensively. Tyler releases a disapproving noise, yells to Matt, "I got you dude." And walks away.

"At least get him bunny blood!" Caroline yells after his retreating figure.

Stefan walks to the bars, "Matthew, do not feed Caroline lies." He begins, tries to remain calm and collective.

"Feed me! For Christ's sake, dude, I need the good stuff. You know, 98.6 and pretty."

Caroline and Jeremy both gasp. "Duuuude," Jeremy whispers.

Stefan turns to them quickly, a forced smile on his face, "Heh, that's just the blood talking, guys." Turns back to Matt, "Right, Matt?"

"No." He bites.

The smile falls from Stefan's face, "Well."

Caroline rolls her eyes. Tyler comes back with blood from Stefan's stash. He throws it through the bars to Matt. "Drink up, my dude."

Matt refuses. And refuses. And refuses.

"For the love of God, Matt. Don't pull a Stefan. You know what can happen if you don't drink, right? Don't be annoying."

"Hey!" Stefan protests.

Caroline turns to him suddenly, "What? Geesh. Oh. What? Damon told me all about it. Don't get your panties in a wad over it."

Stefan, defeated, huffs and leans back against the wall, listens to Caroline use her sweet voice to talk Matt into drinking the blood.

"It's not even that bad, dude," Tyler tries his hand at it, nudges Caroline out of the way so he can look through the bars. "Matthew," he coos until Matt looks up. "Dude, just drink it." And he sounds worried and this is new and Stefan would roll his eyes, but Tyler's actually acting like an adult, not a child.

That doesn't last long.

Matt doesn't drink, just stares, and that's when Tyler's voice rises and he's yelling at him in a squeaky voice, "Just drink it!" he's yelling over and over again and Jeremy places a calming hand on his shoulder, "bro," he mumbles, pulls Tyler back.

Caroline and Stefan share a look.

Then, "I swear to God, Matt Donovan, if you don't drink that blood I will break your pretty little neck, do you understand?" Caroline seethes.

(Stefan later admits to Elena that he was a little more than frightened, smiles, and says, "he drank it though."

"At least your night was productive," Elena scolds. Then she details her experience with a pissy Damon. "Never again," she mutters.)

–;

Caroline makes Tyler and Jeremy clean up after dinner. Tells them not to break a dish and use the dishrags for cleaning purposes only, not weapons for swatting each others backside. Tyler smirks and nods his head, "Yes ma'am."

Caroline knows she shouldn't have trusted those two to finish the job; she's upstairs in her room trying to coax the worry out of Damon's brow— (by straddling him and kissing him roughly—right there—he moans into her ear when she pushes her hand into his pants) —the point is, she is upstairs when she hears what sounds like bombs going off and a million different pieces of glass shattering.

Caroline pulls away from Damon abruptly and he groans at the loss of contact, "Are you serious?" Caroline yells out.

"Are you?" Damon asks, looking up at her expectantly, like: um, please continue doing what you were just doing, please.

Caroline rolls her eyes, huffs, and moves off of Damon in a quick two seconds and then she's out of the room in a blur. Damon would follow, but he's kind of busy trying to rub one out and honestly, no he wouldn't have gone downstairs either way.

–;

Elena is standing downstairs in the kitchen ready to scold her brother when Caroline gets down there.

Tyler and Jeremy are standing innocently in the middle of the kitchen, shoulder to shoulder, trying not to snicker.

Elena basically grabs Jeremy by the ear and pulls him to the corner of the room so she can quietly yell at him because Stefan's asleep and we cannot wake him, okay.

Caroline thinks about grabbing Tyler by the ear and dragging him outside and leaving him there. But Tyler jumps out of the way right when Caroline raises her hand to her face. "I swear— "

Tyler shakes his index finger in her face, "No, no, don't swear, Care." Smiles a wicked and annoying smile.

"You are a delinquent." She rolls her eyes and tries to assess the damage.

It seems like every dinner plate is shattered on the floor and a corner of the island is torn completely off. "Tell me exactly what happened here?" Caroline questions.

"Well," Tyler stumbles.

"You see," Jeremy offers, by Tyler's side; Elena by Caroline with confusion etched all over her face.

"Basically, we played ourselves a game of who can hit the other with the most plates before we run out." Jeremy, ever the innocent, manages in one big, long breath.

"Yeah, that." A smile stretches across Tyler's face, "It was awesome." He singsongs.

"And the counter?" Elena looks over her shoulder at them.

"I needed a shield, duh." Tyler quips, turns to Jeremy and scoffs at Elena's lack of knowledge and respect for the game.

"Oh my God." Caroline fumes,"Leave."

Caroline and Elena have to clean up the boys' mess; send Tyler and Jeremy to their respected rooms and tell them their punishment awaits.

"I swear," Elena starts; finishes with, "we have to treat them like they're five," and an eye roll and a shake of her head.

"That's because they are five."

–;

When Caroline makes it back upstairs, after tiptoeing passed Stefan and Elena's room because she is a nice person and she doesn't want Stefan to wake up from his slumber. She's nice, see. But really though, this is Caroline, and she just doesn't want to listen to Stefan's broody version of Tyler and Jeremy. Such a whiner.

Damon's making a list, leaning back against the headboard, tapping a pen against his chin and staring at the notepad intensely.

"What're you doing?" Caroline asks curiously, climbing onto the bed beside him.

"Making a list of all the ways you can repay me." He has a light bulb moment and begins writing furiously on his notepad.

Caroline sits up, "Excuse me?" One eyebrow shoots up with confusion.

"You know, for leaving me here to satisfy my needs when I'd much rather have my hot girlfriend do it for me." He glances at her momentarily before reviewing his list. "You left me up here for an awfully long time, Care." His tone is serious, but Caroline laughs at that.

"Let me see this," She says, snatching the notepad from him.

She reads all sixteen items and she's crying by the time she finishes.

"I'm not finished." Damon defends, as he snatches the paper back. "Anddon't laugh, it's mean."

Caroline simply rolls her eyes and lets Damon have his fun.

She will not be making him breakfast in bed.

She will not be wearing a maid's uniform.

She will not go down on him while he watches a football game.

She will not call him king anything.

Her boy is so cliché, it's unreal.

–;

Breakfast is on the table and everyone's complimenting Caroline on her exquisite baking skills. "I mean, seriously, Care. The best pancakes I've ever had." Jeremy's eyes flash with excitement and everyone else eagerly agrees.

"Why, thank you." She may or may not curtsy.

–;

There's syrup all over the table by the time breakfast is over because Tyler is an animal. Plain and simple.

And he's pouting because he misses his brother—"he's not really your brother, dude,"—and complaining because he ate too much again and there may be a moment when he begins to cry because he is nothing if not a big baby.

"I don't ever remember you being so emotional, Ty," Elena says with an almost completely serious face.

"He's always been a little bitch." Damon smirks from the end of the table, arm thrown over the back of his chair.

Tyler chuckles humorlessly to mock Damon's attempt to be a shit disturber and Caroline has to place a hand on Damon's arm to calm him.

"I'm still a badass," Tyler argues as he stands up suddenly, knocking his chair over, and walking away with a huff.

"What's his deal?" Damon asks rhetorically, rolling his eyes.

Good thing breakfast is over because Caroline surely has lost her appetite.

Stefan cleans up the syrup and kisses Elena, sticking fingers on her face.

Damon legitimately thinks he may barf or do something equally foul so he, you know, of course, leaves.

–;

By night fall, everyone's in the den watching television.

"Well Donovan's out of his cage." Damon says casually as he walks into the den. He takes a look at the program showing on the television and rolls his eyes, "God, this show is awful," flops down on the couch and steals the remote.

"Excuse me?" Someone asks frantically.

"What? No one actually likes Swamp People, do they?"

"Please get back to the part where Matt isn't locked up anymore?" That's Elena. Damon can tell without even having to look; she's whiny sometimes.

"Oh, that. Yeah. Out. Gone somewhere. Who cares though, right? That kid was such a burd—"

Obviously Caroline, Stefan, and Elena are leaving the room in a hurry to the basement.

Jeremy, though, walks by, snatches the remote and tosses it against the wall. "And Swamp People is amazing, you dick." And follows the rest.

Damon would follow too, but you know, he can't be bothered to actually care. Plus, he'll now have to manually change the channel. Such an inconvenience.

–;

Matt's out of the cell. Which, they obviously knew. But Caroline still feels the urge to tell everyone when she makes it downstairs first and the door is standing wide open.

She looks at Stefan questioningly. "You didn't let him out, did you?"

Stefan stares back.

"Right?" Caroline's about to start seething.

"God, no. No!" Stefan assures, quite frightened by her. Elena places a cooling hand on the back of his arm. "It's okay. We'll find him." She tries to smile reassuringly.

"Hey, has anyone seen Tyler? I haven't seen him since this morning at breakfast." They all turn and Jeremy's standing in the doorway and he's making a valid point that they'd all like to completely avoid, but can't because he is making a valid point.

–;

They send out a search party. They are the search party, of course.

Because not only are they looking for a bloodthirsty, baby vampire with pretty blue eyes that he can use to kill, they're also looking for his hybrid best friend who may or may not be with or without him.

Caroline has to force Damon to come along. She doesn't think she should have to. "Why am I with you again?" And that has him out of his chair in a quick minute because when Caroline starts making threats like these he knows he has to oblige her because he can't very well live without her, so he'd rather not have to see what that's like.

They search the house first because that's the logical thing to do. Then the woods because the woods are right outside and it's convenient. Then they make it into to town and decide to split up because they are cool with the townspeople but not too cool with them because the townspeople are still sort of put off by a group of young adults living in a house together at the edge of town. There's a rumor mill and one-third of the townspeople think they're all apart of some orgy, which is ludicrous, Caroline thinks. They're family.

Anyway.

They split up. And it's nighttime and it's a Tuesday, which is good because maybe they'll be able to find the boys easier.

Stefan says their luck is shitty and so is this plan and because their luck is shitty and so is the plan, they're going to find Matt tearing into someone's artery with Tyler gently placing limbs back onto victims.

"Fucking morbid, brother," Damon says with a look of disgust. "Such a pessimist," Caroline comments, asks Elena to handle that.

Damon and Caroline take Jeremy with them and Stefan and Elena go off on their own. ("Bad idea, Blondie. You know how they like to get frisky."

Caroline rolls her eyes, "Oh, please. The most they do is like, sext.")

–;

The park is searched, vacant buildings are searched, old house are torn through. There's nothing. No sign of either Tyler nor Matt.

They all meet back at the square at eleven thirty and it's just them because this town is super lame and everything shuts down at like nine. Except for the Grill. It closes at eleven.

It's Jeremy with the question. It's so painstakingly obvious that they all facepalm themselves and Damon curses like eight times and Stefan mutters something else about luck.

"Did anyone check the Grill?" Jeremy's innocent eyes.

Of course no one checked the Grill.

"I hate us," Elena mumbles as they all head in the direction of the Grill.

"They're bound to be there, right?" Caroline asks Damon, silently begging him to agree and give her a little encouragement. Leave it to her boyfriend to be the pissest person in the world (i.e: he doesn't.)

–;

Tyler's running up to them by the time they're almost to the Grill. He's out of breath and yelling "Guys! Guys! Over here!" Obviously they see him. Damon makes a snide remark about that.

Tyler has his hands braced on his knees with his head down and there may be blood on the bottom of his shirt. Elena can't be sure.

"Tyler! Where's Matt? You've seen Matt, right?"

"Dude, did you let him out?" Jeremy questions.

Tyler finally looks up after being dramatic and taking forever to respond. "Matt may or may not have just killed his boss."

After another long pause, "Jesus. Christ." That's Stefan.

Elena's eyes are the size of saucers, Damon's just staring at Tyler disapprovingly, Jeremy's looking around making double-sure that no one's around to hear, and Caroline legitimately looks like she's going to pass out.

Her eyes slip close and she's telling herself to breathe evenly so she doesn't wring someone's neck or pass out or yell or cause a scene or cry or, you know, all of the above.

She manages to gather herself, opens her eyes, tells everyone to make a huddle. "This is what we're going to do: damage control. Stefan, I need you, Jeremy, and Elena to go find Matt, tie him up, vervain him, anything to tame him without killing him. Damon, I'm going to need you and Tyler to take care of Phil. Give him a nice burial somewhere far, far away. Clean first though; we can't have a messy scene. I'll go compel his mother into believing that Phil had big opportunities in Alaska that he just couldn't decline."

"Alaska?" That's really all anyone got out of that?

Caroline sighs, "He told me once, over a glass of ginger ale, that he'd always wanted to live in Alaska, live in an igloo like Palin—"

"That's an incorrect assumption that the Palin family—"

"You're really going there right now, Lockwood?" Damon questions, glaring at the kid. Tyler clears his throat and mutters an apology.

"Anyway. That's what I'll tell her. Are we ready? Set? Go!" They all have their hands piled on top of each others in the middle and they chant something about saving lives one step at a time before throwing their fists in the air.

When they pull away, Damon kisses Caroline quickly, "God, you're so hot when you're determined."

She simply laughs, turns a pretty shade of pink before clearing her throat and ushering him off with Tyler. She swats him on the butt as he leaves, straightens her jacket, and heads over to Mrs. Jennings' house.

–;

Everyone's back at the house by two thirty. They lock Matt back up in his cell. Caroline won't talk to him.

Tyler admits that he let Matt out. They were just going to go out for a little, do some sightseeing—sightseeing? Damon asks with a laugh and a shake of his head—eat a burger, blow off some steam.

"To be honest, it's all Damon's fault." Tyler looks up and sends Damon a glare before turning back to Caroline and Elena, giving the innocent look a try.

It doesn't work.

"No, you're the dimwit who let a hungry, new vampire out of the cell because your feelings got hurt and boohoo, Tyler Lockwood. You suck."

–;

Everyone sleeps almost peacefully that night.

Caroline doesn't make pancakes in the morning. Prepares toast for everyone. Makes sure to burn Tyler's.

–;

They each take turns checking in on Donovan—Damon complains about this at first—making sure he's not dead or anything.

Three days after the whole debacle Caroline walks downstairs into the basement and throws a ring through the bars of the door.

"Bonnie sent this for you. And she says you suck for killing Phil."

She begins to walk away, but he stops her, calls out to her. "I'm sorry, Care." She looks in the cell and sees that he's dirty and he may be crying and he may be lonely and she hates him for making her love him even in his disastrous state.

"I'm mad at you, Donovan." She still manages, and walks away.

–;

Tyler and Jeremy fix the broken piece of the island. They go to the local hardware store and buy white paint. They paint the jagged edge of the island white and they're finished.

"We really wanted to bring out the white speckles in the granite countertop," Jeremy says proudly, arms crossed over his chest.

"Mission accomplished, dude!" Tyler high-fives him.

Everyone else simply stares, nods their heads, and backs out of the kitchen.

"Only in Mystic Falls." Elena mumbles as they walk away.

Caroline corrects, "Only in this house."

–;

Stefan smacks Matt in the face a lot. This is how he coaches him. Tells him he needs to learn control and reprimands him for not listening to him in the first place and did you lose that list I gave you, Donovan?

He also basically has to force feed him bunny blood all over again the first few days of his redo at recovery.

Then, slowly, Matt grows to like the bunny blood and even asks if maybe he can get some deer next time?

Caroline still wants to cry when she thinks of Bambi.

"After many months of this, my friend, I may even give you a blood bag again." Stefan says, a small, proud smile on his face.

"Really?" Matt quirks up at that, excitement in his eyes.

"Dude," Stefan gives him a stern look, places a forceful hand on his shoulder, "a little too excited about that right now. Drink more bunny." And he raises the bottle to Matt's lips.

–;

"You guys know we're going to have to leave, right?" Caroline questions one day weeks later when Matt has recovered enough to sit in the family room without thinking about an actual living, breathing family and wanting to rip their throats out. So, you know, progress.

"Why?" He, Jeremy, and Tyler ask in unison; smile at each other when they realize this.

"Because, uh, Matt killed his boss, for starters. Plus, people are starting to look at us weird."

"Don't they always?" Elena counters.

"And more salesman are dropping by trying to sell me vacuum cleaners. I mean, what is this—1960? Does this house look that inviting to an average Joe. So annoying."

When Damon's finally finished, they get back on topic.

"Anyway. We're leaving. It's settled." Caroline smiles to herself. She is such a mature, forward thinking vampire these days. They should all take notes.

–;

They pack and Stefan and Damon share a moment alone with the mansion and Damon makes everyone vow that they'll at least come back every five years to brush the dust off of the liquor cabinet.

They roll their eyes but agree.

–;

"Bonnie says there's a nice place in Charleston with six bedrooms and thirteen acres of land that we would be stupid to decline." Caroline tells them before they all hop into the SUV that's pulling a U-haul full of their belongings.

"Do you think they have a Grill there too? I'm in desperate need of a job now." Matt says casually from the very back of the vehicle.

"Are you sure you should be working with people, Donovan? We all know what happened last time." Damon asks from the driver's seat, looking in the rear view mirror, suiting a smirk.

"Are we ever going to get passed that? Phil was a dick anyway." Seriously.

"Hey!" Jeremy protests. "Phil was a nice man."

"Yeah!" Tyler agrees.

Damon rolls his eyes. He really doesn't know how he puts up with this.