Title: Dirty Homophone

Pairing: kinda Swan Queen/kinda Red Swan
Rating: R, Crack!Fic
Disclaimer: These characters are not my creative property

Summary: Prompt: Emma finds a bug that Regina put in her room and decides to mess with her. Ha ha hee hee ha ha ho…

Emma had no idea how long it had been there, or what Regina might have already heard. Probably not much considering Emma only used her bedroom to sleep and dress. Living with Mary Margaret combined with slim pickings in Storybrooke ensured that she hadn't entertained any late night bedroom visitors.

Although, why Regina would plant a bug in her bedroom was the question that had Emma curious. In her office at the Sheriff's station she understood, but in her bedroom? Emma knew it was Regina, no one else would have the balls to invade her privacy to that degree. Emma wondered if Sidney listened and reported back to the Mayor, or if Regina had a direct line to the little bug Emma had found in the hollow base of the porcelain swan figurine Mary Margaret had given her.

Truly, Emma figured there was only one reason for Regina to listen in on her bedroom comings and goings: she wanted to hear Emma having sex. She wanted to know all about Emma's private life. Whether the purpose was to try and prove that Emma was of immoral character should a custody hearing for Henry ever come to pass, or if the interest was more personal, Emma wasn't entirely sure.

Emma was bound and determined to find out, and she knew exactly what to do.

"Hey, Ruby would you be willing to help me with something kinda weird?" Emma asked grudgingly.

"I'm in," Ruby jumped forward and clapped her hands, "What is it?"

Ruby was like the childhood best friend that Emma never had. Emma told her the plan and that evening Ruby showed up to Emma's apartment with carry out from Granny's.

"Dinner smells good, what did you bring?" Emma asked by way of greeting, leading Ruby to the door of her bedroom.

"Chicken wings, I crave chicken all the time," Ruby shrugged.

"Sounds good, so you know what to do once we go in?" Emma asked conspiratorially.

"Yeah, totally. We're really gonna play it up, right?" Ruby asked excitedly, her head buzzing with nervousness and excitement.

"Oscar winning performance," Emma grinned, opening the door and sucking loudly on her own forearm between moans…

"Oh, Oh, smack, slurp, smack That feels so good…"

Regina sat up straight, the little audio feed on her laptop had never registered more than some shuffles and rustling before now. Finally, it was apparent that something sexy was happening in Emma's bedroom. Regina put on headphones and turned up the volume, curious to find out who she was with.

"Oh Emma you're so HOT…"

"…Ow, that fucking burns!" Ruby pulled the chicken wing from her mouth, and dropped it back in the squeaky stryofoam container.

"Burns sooooo gooooddd, OH OH Ruby do me, baby…tell me what you want to do to me, ohhhh please, please, let me pull up your little skirt…" Emma flashed her eyes encouraging Ruby to get more into it.

Ruby shook her head in thought and licked her lips, pulling another hopefully cooler chicken wing from the container and pulling it apart and speaking directly too it, "Yum, I want to lick and suck all the sauce right off of you and then take a big bite out of your juicy ass…"

Jealousy raged in Regina's head as soon as she heard Ruby's name. She suspected that little slut all along, and now they were going at it like wild animals…Licking sauce off of each other. Regina was disgusted and oddly intrigued, she leaned in listening closer.

Squeak, squeak, squeak….

Emma had jumped onto the bed, and proceeded to jump with her full weight so hard she was afraid she was going to break it. In addition to Regina, the neighbors below were getting a loud show as well. Ruby sat on the very edge of the bed, still trying to eat her chicken wing as the bed shook, "Emma, stop…I've got sauce everywhere, hold still for a minute, just let me eat…hmmm."

Ruby moaned delighted and then licked the wing sauce off of each of her fingers making a loud sucking noise with each digit.

She tossed the container to the side, jumped up on the bed and started jumping too. She ripped up the brown paper bag it had come in, making sure to hold it as close to the little bug as she could, moaning in between giggles.

Emma jumped off the bed, picked the bug up between her fingers and brought it to her lips….

heavy breathing "Ahhhh, stick your tongue inside, rub it around, yeah, yeah, yeah, give me your cock- Ruby!"

"Oh, like this, you like when I use my thumb, baby….so good…so wet…"

Regina was puzzled, sitting on the edge of her seat, Emma's voice was so loud, but Ruby sounded so far away. What the hell kind of sex were those girls having?

Ruby took a long sip of her soda, making sure to suck it dry and shake up the ice.

"My pussy is very refreshing I see," Emma snorted trying to contain her laughter as the straw made a loud high pitched squeak as Ruby worked it back and forth in the lid.

"Was your orgasm good?" Ruby was on her knees now, enjoying this little game immensely.

"My turn, hmm, you're my bitch now," Emma took a book off the shelf and smacked it against the wall making a loud crack, and Ruby reacted with a cry every time like she was being spanked…

whack, whack, thud, thud "Oh, hit me, oh, Emma do me like that Britney song, If You Seek Amy, If You seek amy harder!" Ruby tried to cover her laughter.

"Ruby, I'm going to F-U-C-K you with this….banana," Emma shrugged her shoulders trying to think of something random that she could fuck with.

These bitches were kinky, and Regina would give anything to actually see what was going on in that room. She shifted in her chair as Emma and Ruby moaned together, that part was hot and Regina felt her body growing warm and her panties becoming damp.

Ruby's climax included the bashing of a gong, breaking glass and striking symbols. She had pulled out her phone and turned on a sound effects app that definitely aided with her orgasm.

"That was fun, Emma you are good at sex with me," Ruby said in a staccato stilted voice, like her words were scripted and she was a very bad actress. Emma could totally picture Ruby as an amazingly successful porn star.

"Yes, I hope you enjoyed the banana...when can we fuck again?" Emma asked blushing and rolling her eyes.

"See you next Tuesday," Ruby said as a special message to Regina, enjoying how immature and goofy her and Emma were being.

An hour later Emma's phone rang, "Hello?"

"Sheriff Swan, I need your assistance next Tuesday. You need to stay late and complete some extra paperwork," Regina drawled, her voice sounding heavy through the phone line.

"Really, next Tuesday, hmm…how late do I have to stay, cause I kinda have some plans?" Emma asked innocently, a knowing smile forming on her lips.

"All night!" Regina snapped and hung up the phone.

Emma had her answer.