A Most Vile Foe

It's Team Mustang versus the Abomination of Nature, and our favorite military gang might not make it out alive.


The office of Colonel Mustang looked like a war zone. Smoke hazed the room, the carpet was covered in holes, furniture was overturned and askew, and there was not a soul in sight. Abruptly, a silhouette appeared in the smoke, peering out from behind Mustang's overturned desk.

"We've lost sight of the enemy, sir," Breda said as he crouched back down.

"Damn!" the Colonel hissed.

Fury was quivering with fear. "What do we do now?" he stammered.

"Found him!" Falman cried. "On the left wall, ten o'clock!"

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye took three deep breaths, reloading her gun. Abruptly, she jumped to her feet with a furious cry and fired six shots. The flashes from her bullets glowed in the smoke. She squinted, desperate to hit her target.

Suddenly, she was out of bullets, and Riza dropped back behind the desk. "It's too fast," she said, stoically reloading her gun. Her barrel was still smoking, and probably the main contributor to the haze of the room.

"The enemy is advancing!" Breda reported. His hands shook as he clutched his gun.

Havoc removed his cigarette from his mouth. "Then let's burn it," he stated. "Kill it with fire."

Right as he spoke, the fire alarm began to ring, and water rained from the ceiling.

"We're doomed!" Fury wailed.

Roy Mustang growled in frustration. He tore his gloves off and stood up.

"Colonel!" Riza cried. "What are you doing? You can't do anything in this damp!"

"I must protect my subordinates," Roy replied. He stared into the smoke, his mind set. "Even if it costs my own life."

"We are not worth that price!" shouted Riza. "Please, Colonel, don't do this!"

Roy sighed shakily. "Lieutenant," he began, then stopped himself. "No, Riza," he amended. "If... if I don't make it back, well…" He smiled down at her. "Would you like to have dinner sometime?"

Riza's eyes began to glisten with tears for the future. "Colonel," she breathed.

"Is that a yes?" Roy murmured.

Unable to speak, Riza nodded vigorously, her tears pouring down her face.

For a moment, Roy looked like he wanted to swoop down and kiss her. But there were more pressing matters at hand.

"For Amestris!" the Colonel screamed. He went charging over the desk, his coat billowing out behind him with the epicness of the situation. And for my friends, he thought nostalgically.

He spied their foe on the floor, crouched menacingly in the carpet. Roy skidded to a halt, frozen in his fear.

It sensed that, and scuttled forward as only such demon spawn could. This was it. It was the end for Roy Mustang. The irony of his ultimate doom made him smile. To die in his own office, as a colonel. So much lower than he originally planned.

Unexpectedly, the door to his office opened. "Hey, Colonel, have you seen Ed—ew, spider!" Winry exclaimed, and she destroyed their foe with her sandal-wearing foot.

Roy gaped in astonishment as Winry scraped her shoe across the carpet. "I hate those things," she stated casually. "So, Colonel, have you seen Edward?" She scowled. "Why are you all looking at me like that? And why is it so smoky in here?"

Riza was the first to regain her cool. "The Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother went to the Second Library a few hours ago," she informed Winry smoothly.

"Then they're probably still there," Winry deduced. She smiled sweetly at them. "Thanks!" And she frolicked out of the office.

Roy, Breda, Falman, and Fury were still staring in shock. "Men," the Colonel said eventually, "we never speak of this. Ever. Understood?"

"Yes sir!" the other four agreed.

*AN: Was it funny? I hope so. Spot an error and win a cookie! And epicness doesn't count. I know it's not a word. At least, according to my world. Thanks for reading!*