My sweet Edward. After the first few weeks he became obsessed with knowing everything about this cancer—the medications, the lasting effects, the prognosis.
"How did you survive? Really? I'm trying to understand it, I really, really am, but after everything I've read—what you've told me. I don't understand."
"I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to die. I wanted to stay here. I wanted to love you. I love you." I pause to caress his sweet, kind face, "So, I decided not to die. My head hurt, my leg hurt, I just hurt all the time and was in this pain that was indescribable. I can't even explain—you can't imagine. But my heart, Edward, it couldn't leave you. I had to go through it all because I loved you too much to not be here."
"Well, that's sweet, but...there are mother's, that woman we met at the first chemo appointment I went with you—that I'm sure feel the same way about their husbands, their children, and yet, they die."
His words are harsh, but they're not meant to hurt. They do hurt, because I wonder the same thing myself. Why do some live and others don't? It's easy for me to explain that the reason I lived was because I just loved too much to let go, because I just...see it that way. I don't have the answers though.
"You're not giving me hell over this because you're upset with the outcome, are you?" I tease to lighten.
"Oh, no, no, no, Bella. I'm over the moon happy you're here. It just feels like there has to be more to it—it's been a bigger miracle than we even realize. Like...I don't know how to describe it so that it makes sense. I mean, I sort of feel like the miracle is that God knew how I would be without you. But to make you suffer so, I feel selfish. I feel like, I experienced pain, too—nothing that can even compare to you, I know this, but I had this pain in my life...well, you know. And here you were fighting because you love me, but—I can't explain it."
"You don't have to. I'm not asking you to. It's okay." I shift so I'm sitting more relaxed on his lap. "Move your leg. Yeah, like that. Make me comfortable, loser." I joke. He's so not a loser. "If I have to make you feel like you have to make it up to me for the rest of our lives, I can live with that. If you just...need me to feed your guilty conscience forever I can."
Suddenly I feel fingertips at my ribcage and I'm shocked.
"You wouldn't." I narrow my eyes at him.
It doesn't matter.
Edward tickles me, soft, but he starts to tickle me and then he's really not holding back.
"You are so awful, Woman!" He means it.
"I know it."
We're at the end of my chemo treatments and have been for a few weeks now and I have another 3 week break before radiation treatments to my jaw. But Edward and I...we've been playful, hopeful. It's been good for our hearts and our souls. This reconnection has been easy, simple and what we both needed. It was a stupid plan to ever be apart, but we've recovered famously, even through what feels like betrayal.
I've been holding back a little. And a lot nervous. Our ability to fully be together has been delayed because of my treatments, but Edward has been persistent. Not pushing me per say, but he wants me. Still. He amazes me with his desire. Amazes me.
We've shared ourselves intimately in the past. It's been onmy mind, a lot. He's here now, with me, and I want to have him. Be with him. I want him inside me, touching me...all of me and I want to consume him. But we've been severely limited because of my health. He's such a patient man...
And it's so strange for me that it's happening now. We're in bed with Emily, she's settled right between us. Emmett and Rosalie farmed out the kids last night so they could get out of town. After some pretty major convincing on my part, then surprisingly on Edward's, Emily was brought to our house for the night. She and Edward are still asleep and I woke up having to use the restroom.
It may have happened because of the tail end of a dream that I can't quite grasp and remember, but something causes me to remember, vividly, the other night. Edward was horny. There's really no other word for what he was. I could tell he was...uncomfortable.
It wasn't for me, at least that's what I told myself at the time. It wasn't for me. I asked him to massage my back. He'd never say no. And he didn't. He started rubbing my back and I put on a show for him.
"That feels so, so good." It did feel good.
I started circling my hips. I took off my clothes.
"You feeling good, Bella?" I could hear the smirk in his voice. The hope. The 'yes-yes-please-let-me-get-my-dick-wet-please-oh-p lease' kind of hope.
Part of me felt bad because honestly, it didn't do anything for me. I so wish it did, I've been feeling better. Yet nothing.
"Mmmm, yeeessss." I play it up a little, lower my voice, rut my pelvis into the mattress.
His hands move lower, intimately. He's kneading my backside like his life depends on it. His breathing has changed even more than when I noticed earlier his 'situation'. I don't know for sure, but I can guess where his eyes are.
"Are we going to do this?" his sweet voices asks, so overwhelmingly full of want. Need.
"I really can't Edward, but I want you to... I want to watch you." I turn and let him look at me. Really see me. I can tell he thinks I'm beautiful, and I feel so beautiful when he looks at me all the time—but this look makes me feel radiant. Like I'm on top of the world and no one can touch me because this man...he loves me and sees me and I am incredible because of it.
"No shower for me tonight then?" But he's already taking off his clothes. He's already ready, has been ready.
"No shower for you. I want you, right here."
He's holding himself, just palming softly—nothing vigorous or sharp. It compels me to touch him, and I do...right where he's most sensitive. I sit up and then touch him where it matters on his chest, where I feel him beat for me.
I kiss him and then his hand starts to move. I add some fingertips to his wrist, feeling his movement...feeling him move. He's watching me watch him, I can feel the heat in his stare. I straddle him and he sees my dark curls and his eyes close like it's too much.
"Where do you want it?" He chokes out, so, so ready.
I tell him to wait, to hold on and let me savor this for a moment.
"I can't...where do you want it, please...Bella."
"I want it all over me." But I point between my legs, right in the center. Where I remember feeling it so many, many times before...where things make sense.
He groans and in any other circumstance it would be labeled as embarrassingly fast, but it's exactly what I want. To feel. Empowered. Alive.
"That...was good. Thank you." Soft lips touch my hair.
Right now, I feel it. Between my leg and...a half. That sharp sting where it matters. It's the wrong time, definitely, but I'm elated that it's happening at all. I was starting to worry it never would be the same.
This feeling is beautiful. I stretch out, carefully to not wake Emily, and it intensifies, grows stronger. My heart is so happy, I'm bursting with it. I can't help the smile that's surfaced.
I look to Edward and he's awake, watching me, curious. I mouth, "I'm wet."
"Are you serious?" his quiet back to me.
I nod happily and begin to softly cry. Tears of such an intense joy, it's very hard to even describe.
"This cannot be happening! Bella, I'm so mad at you right now!" He's whisper yelling.
Emily wakes up.
I start to giggle.
"This cannot be happening..." he says again to no one, the ceiling.
"I thought you would be happy!" I tease and make fun.
"Not like this!" He's waving manically around us, not careful in the least because the kid is awake and it doesn't matter.
"Not like this..." Now it's more of a groan, a plea.
And I can't help but crack up, and feel light. Lighter than I've felt in so long. Reassured. I feel reassured and terrific.
"She's laughing," he says to Emily, light himself now at seeing my joy, "and I'm a schmuck."
"Waza smuck?" Emily asks in her groggy, too cute voice.
"Me." Edward tells her simply.
I reach over and touch his hair, soft between my fingers. He looks to me, love all over him.
"It just means it'll happen again. And next time we'll be ready." I wiggle a little, and then sit up quickly and call for Jasper. I can't help to rub it in—literally in a few minutes. "I'm going to take a shower now. There's some waffles in the freezer, Champ."
I wink over my shoulder and he's full on smiling. It's my favorite grin. I'm so happy to see it.
"My life! Seriously!" Edward exclaims as I giggle on my way to the bathroom.
A/N: It's been a while, yeah? Yeah. Thanks for reading.
If you want something that updates consistently and you've been under a rock for a while and haven't already heard of this story...you must read Deviant by planetblue. Amazingly brilliant and charming...and I cannot say enough good things about this story. The link is in my favorites.
Until next time, be kind.
This chapter has been modified due to confusion. My page breaks initially didn't upload properly and as a result some of you got the impression that Bella and Edward had sex with a kid in their bed. Ewww. I'd report myself if I ever wrote that sort of crap. Just...no. Anyway, I hope it reads better now...and to be clear they have not had sex yet...in the traditional sense because poor Bella's body hadn't got the memo yet, until this chapter.