A/N: Originally written on June 24, 2012. Rated K+ for intimidation, violence, romance, and repeated mentions of "pervert."
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z. I shudder to think what Vegeta might do to me if I did. The rights belong to Akira Toriyama. I'm making no money with this story.
Within the walls of Capsule Corporation, the thundering voices of two people rang through the air.
"You're impossible!" Vegeta bellowed.
"I'm impossible? You broke the stupid ship again! That's the fifth time this month!" Bulma bellowed back.
"Yes, I broke the stupid ship, and I'm asking you to fix it! Why is that such a difficult request?"
"Oh, you would love for me to believe that it's a request! You are demanding that I fix that sorry hunk of metal! Well, let me tell you something, mister—I have screwed my last screw! You broke the ship, so you can just put it back together! You know, it wouldn't hurt you to actually put yourself to work once in a while instead of spending every lousy minute of every lousy day training! As outrageous as it seems, I do not exist to do your bidding!"
"Your company wouldn't advance so quickly if I weren't here to help it along," Vegeta retorted.
Perhaps he should have chosen his words more carefully. He could faintly feel her energy rising as her fury reached new heights.
"What is that supposed to mean? You actually think that if you weren't here to test drive Capsule Corp's products and break every single one of them, that the company would be less inspired to improve the merchandise that you broke and would therefore progress at a slower rate? You are such an egomaniac! Like I would ever need your help to keep my dad's company afloat!"
It was during the following moment of temporary silence, as they glared furiously at one another, that a faint screeching sound met Vegeta's ears.
"Where is that sound coming from?" Bulma wondered.
Vegeta did not have to wonder. His Saiyan senses had informed him of the sound's source only seconds after his ears had perceived it.
"Someone is at the door," he grunted irritably. Although Vegeta despised every weak life form that ever found its way to Capsule Corporation's doorstep, he had never wanted a visitor less than he wanted a visitor at that moment. Whoever it was had an extremely low energy signal. Couldn't Trunks's pathetic little friend wait for a better time?
Not according to Bulma. Still glaring at him, she shouted, "Make yourself useful and answer it!"
Vegeta stalked to the front door. From outside he could hear the high screeching tones of someone's shouting, "I came a long way, and it is very rude to keep a man of my status waiting!" Vegeta wondered if Bulma would let him get away with tearing out the vocal cords of this exasperating life form.
He jerked the door open roughly. Staring back at him was a stumpy man covered with more wrinkles than Vegeta had ever seen on any living creature.
"What?" he barked.
The wrinkled man lifted his head and scowled at him. "It's about time you got here. Do you have any idea how long I've been knocking on this door? I wasn't going to wait for very much longer, you know."
"I wish you hadn't waited."
Whoever it was ignored his calculated rudeness. "It took me such a long time to find this place. Even with my all-seeing vision, Earth is a very big planet, with so many people. And there are actually quite a few Bulmas running around down here on Earth. I began to wonder if I would ever find her. But I reminded myself that she was worth the wait. Then I remembered how touchy you were about Bulma, and how you seemed to know her. I brilliantly concluded that if I found you, I would find her as well. And I was right! But seeing you is a disappointment. I was hoping that she would answer the door. However, if she's busy at the moment, I understand. I know she wants to be as beautiful as possible when she meets me."
Would this old fool never cease his aggravating blather?
"What do you want, old man?" Vegeta shouted.
"Old man? How dare you speak to me that way? Don't you know who I am? I am the Supreme Kai, overseer of the whole universe!"
"And I'm the prince of all Saiyans, you wrinkled freak! You're a couple of centuries too old to be the universe's overseer, don't you think?"
"You arrogant little whippersnapper! I was a master of the art of meditation before you were even weaned! I learned to speak every documented language in the universe before you spoke your first word! I read every book that was ever written before you could take your first step!"
Vegeta could see that he would have to cut the idiot off if he wanted the endless screeching to stop. Although he would have preferred to strangle him to silence, he knew that Bulma would throw a fit. Right now, he was not in the mood to deal with one of Bulma's wearying fits.
"What do you want?"
His shout must have attracted Bulma, because she appeared in the doorway seconds later.
"Vegeta, stop shouting at our guest!" She turned to the pathetic creature and said in a kinder tone, "Don't pay attention to him. He's not worth listening to. Is there something you want?"
"That's what I was trying to find out," Vegeta told her.
His comment was met with a glare. "I was talking to him, not you!"
Vegeta watched as the ancient fool grinned at Bulma in a manner that was much too friendly. "Ah, Bulma, I finally found you!"
The purple dwarf's words took Bulma by surprise. "What do you mean, 'I found you'? Who are you, and how do you know my name?"
"I am the Supreme Kai, overseer of the whole universe!"
Vegeta rolled his eyes. The pompous windbag certainly was proud of his title if he introduced himself to all living beings in the exact same way.
"You don't know how long I've waited for this," the windbag continued. "Goku never bothered to fulfill his promise, so I knew it was up to me to come looking for you."
Bulma stared in confusion. "Huh?"
"I'm here for my kiss!" the geezer sang out.
Vegeta felt as though he had been deluged with icy water.
"What?" he bellowed simultaneously with Bulma.
"You came here just for that?" Vegeta growled.
"You're nuts if you think I'm going to kiss you!" Bulma added.
"But Goku promised me a kiss from an Earth woman," the imbecile whined.
With those words, the memories came rushing back to Vegeta. Kakarrot had placated the wrinkled prune by reminding him of a promised kiss to an Earthling woman, one whom Kakarrot had known since childhood. And Vegeta had somehow known with certainty that Kakarrot had been speaking of Bulma . . .
With one arm, he grabbed Bulma around her waist, lifted her off her feet, and pulled her into the house. With his other arm, he slammed the door so hard that the front window panes shattered.
"Who does that pervert think he is? How could he possibly think that out of every male life form in the universe, I would want to kiss him? He even lied about Goku to liven up his story. What a jerk!" Bulma fumed.
"He was telling the truth," Vegeta snarled.
"What? How could he be telling the truth? Goku would never promise something like that to someone like him!" Bulma insisted.
"Kakarrot sank to a level of stupidity that not even I thought he could reach. In exchange for that fool's help in awakening Gohan's latent power so that he could fight Majin Buu, Kakarrot promised to find an Earth woman for him to kiss. For some insane reason, out of the millions of women on this planet, he decided to pick you."
Bulma let out a frustrated yell which mirrored his own feelings. "I am not an item to be auctioned off to the highest bidder!"
"I'll rip out every hair on Kakarrot's empty head for this," Vegeta muttered darkly.
"Give him a couple of punches from me while you're at it. This is outrageous, expecting a woman of my superior beauty and charm to lower myself to that old pervert's level." She fell silent and appeared to be thinking very hard. "Was that all that the old guy said? Just one kiss?"
"What more does he need to say?"
"Well . . . I suppose one kiss couldn't hurt."
Something exploded in the region of Vegeta's abdomen. He gaped at her. "You're not serious!" he roared.
She frowned at him. "Well, he did help save the world."
Vegeta could hardly believe his ears. "So did I, in case you've forgotten!"
"Yes, and you've received my thanks a hundred times over. I doubt that anyone bothered to thank him for his help. Anyway, he came all the way here, so I can at least give him what he wants. Goku promised that I would, so I should keep his promise."
Vegeta wondered where her mind had been only moments before. Where had her fighting spirit gone? Since when did she care about keeping Kakarrot's revolting promise? How could she consent to kiss that wretched excuse for a god? Unfortunately, the more he tried to make sense of her capricious attitude, the more it slipped through his fingers.
Bulma laid her hand on the doorknob. "Don't make this difficult, Vegeta."
"I don't have to. You're making things difficult for me all by yourself."
For some reason, she smiled at his words. "Oh, my poor Vegeta. You'll just have to endure the torture."
"No, I don't. I refuse to be a spectator to this lowbrow trash."
Once again, he should have been more careful with his words. Bulma's eyes flashed angrily. "Oh, so now I'm lowbrow trash? You listen to me, Vegeta. I'm going out to thank him for what he did. You will thank our guest properly with me, and you will behave yourself. Now, come on!"
How could just one weak woman control him so completely? With his arms firmly crossed over his chest, Vegeta followed her out and leaned against the house. When the doddering idiot lifted his head, Vegeta saw that saliva was dribbling down his chin. After the kissing business was over, he would do the universe a favor and break this pervert's jaw.
As Bulma leaned down to begin the madness, the wrinkled fool actually hesitated. Had Vegeta's presence caused him to reconsider?
"What is it?" Bulma asked.
The fool had the decency to wipe the spittle from his face before answering.
"It's just that Goku said the kiss would be with lipstick."
That purple lump was willfully prolonging his mental agony, Vegeta was sure.
Bulma straightened her back and sighed. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?"
She walked back inside. Because the alternative would be to listen to that insect giggling to himself, Vegeta shadowed Bulma. If he had not known that she was preparing to satisfy the amorous demands of someone who was old enough to be her great grandfather, he would have been amused to see her ransacking the bathroom cabinet and upending all the drawers in search of her lipstick.
"Is this my punishment for what I did to the ship?" he asked. To force such weak words past his lips made his stomach turn, but he had to know the answer.
"Don't be ridiculous," Bulma said distractedly. "Like I said before, I'm just keeping a promise. Ah, here it is!" She seized her prize and delicately coated her lips. "You shouldn't be so jealous, Vegeta. You know this guy doesn't even deserve to be compared with you."
"I am not jealous!" he barked. He knew as soon as he spoke that she saw through his desperate lie.
"Of course you're not." He did not like the smile she was giving him. "Then you won't mind watching me give him one little kiss."
He knew that she knew that she had backed him into a corner. To contradict her would be to swallow his pride and admit his barely controllable jealousy; and if there was one thing he refused to ever swallow, it was his pride. He would not admit defeat without dragging her into a corner as well.
"Fine," he agreed with a smirk. "As long as you don't mind watching me rip that buffoon's head off when you're done."
"What is it with you and ripping people's heads off? You don't always have to be so bloodthirsty."
The woman could be so irritating, conveniently dodging his ultimatum. And why was she still smiling at him? She had been smiling her secretive smile ever since she had begun her lipstick search. His inability to discover the meaning behind it was driving him crazy.
He followed her from the house. The aged moron was cackling with glee. His eyes had expanded to twice their normal size, and saliva was still trickling down his chin. What an incomparably disgusting creature.
Bulma laid her hands on the insect's wrinkled cheeks. "Are you ready?" she asked.
At least Bulma's blunted sense of hearing could not pick up his rushing heartbeat.
The worm formed his saliva-soaked lips into more of a gaping hole than a pucker.
Vegeta swallowed the bile in his throat with difficulty. Just a few more wrenching seconds and he would remove this slug's head from his shoulders.
Bulma bent to seal the senseless deal.
His insides would either burn themselves alive or explode from the roaring fire in his abdomen.
Bulma pressed her lips firmly against the imbecile's forehead. "Thank you for helping to save the world," she whispered warmly.
The geezer opened his eyes and stared at her in surprise. "Eh? Was that it?"
"Well, what did you expect? Goku promised you a kiss, and that's what I gave you."
Vegeta had never appreciated her brilliance more than he did at that moment.
"But—But Goku said that I get to kiss an Earth woman. Let me do the kissing now!"
"That's not what you told me. The agreement was one kiss. You never said where I should kiss you."
"Ah, my sweet Bulma, you could never comprehend the excitement of being kissed by the overseer of the universe."
"Trust me, I've got all the excitement I need when I'm living under the same roof with that guy over there."
Vegeta watched both pairs of eyes follow Bulma's pointing finger and fall on him. He gave one guarded nod of thanks to the brainless oaf to meet Bulma's demand.
But the oaf was no longer paying attention. His eyes were fastened on Bulma again. "Let me enlighten you," he wheedled. His hands wandered dangerously close to Bulma's chest.
Vegeta shot forward and pushed Bulma's shoulder gently with his palm to move her out of the way. He then clamped the lowlife's wrists tightly, pinned his arms to his sides, and lifted him into the air. The idiot squealed at the pain in his wrists and kicked his feeble legs in a hopeless attempt to free himself.
"Put me down! Put me down, you ruffian! Must I remind you who I am?" he screeched.
"Since your hands can't be trusted, I'll just remove them for you," Vegeta growled. He enjoyed listening to the moron's squeal of terror.
"Let him go, Vegeta. He won't cause any more trouble as long as you're around," Bulma said.
Vegeta tossed the old bag as high as he could without threatening his life. A long shriek followed as the geezer fell to the ground.
"Hey, Supreme Pie, or whatever you said your name was, the next time you come looking for a kiss, I'm going to let Vegeta deal with you!" Bulma called.
The decrepit fool sobbed miserably for his unrequited love.
"Better luck next time!" Bulma shouted.
Vegeta felt his arm being grabbed by a laughing Bulma, and she pulled him inside.
"How's that for lowbrow trash? I'm such a genius that I amaze even myself at times. I told you not to be jealous." Her eyes laughed triumphantly at him.
He grinned in response. "And I told you I wasn't jealous."
"I don't believe that for a second. You were a nervous wreck."
"I was not. You were the one who put on lipstick for that freak. Something about him must have caught your eye."
"What? Get a clue, Vegeta! I put on lipstick because that was part of the deal. And I didn't turn the bathroom inside out so I could appease that pervert! I was looking for the particular shade which just happens to be your favorite."
He had not even known that he had a favorite lipstick shade. "Really? And how would you know that?"
Her secretive smile returned. "I've seen the way you look at me when I'm wearing it."
He combed his fingers through her blue locks and let his hand rest on her cheek. "Did you ever think that maybe the way I look at you has nothing to do with your lipstick?"
She traced his jaw with one finger, and he felt a shiver race through his body. "That might be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. You couldn't be my Vegeta, could you?" she whispered, burying her fingers in his tangled mass of hair.
He moved his hand from her cheek to the back of her head and brought her lips to his. The beast within him that only she could awaken raised his head and snarled. Only her steady hand had been able to tame the beast and stop him from destroying that old fool. But if anyone else ever again came to claim these kisses that belonged to him alone, Vegeta would let out the beast and tear that person to shreds. Only he was allowed to put his arms around her waist and hold her close like this. Only he was permitted to get drunk on the cloying smell of her perfume now filling his nose. He had exclusive rights to her hair between his fingers, her warm skin against his, and everything else that was her.
"There's still . . . such . . . a big . . . mess . . . in . . . the front yard," Bulma said between the kisses she was planting on his chest.
Vegeta let out his breath in an irritated huff. "Are you still upset about that?" he grumbled.
"Oh, yes. I'm still furious," she purred. "You're going to help me fix it, at least until Trunks gets home from school."
"Oh, I am?" he challenged.
"Yes, you are. I need a strong Saiyan to lift those large chunks of metal. So get moving, Mr. Prince of all Saiyans."
Without yelling, screaming, or throwing a fit, she had won the argument. How a member of one of the weakest species in the universe habitually managed to subdue the strongest warrior who ever lived was a mystery to Vegeta. There was something so overwhelmingly irresistible about her that kept him at her side, ready to drive away disgustingly ancient lovers or rebuild trashed spaceships. Vegeta would never be able to figure her out for as long as he lived.
And that was what he loved most of all.
A/N: You will notice that the Supreme Kai was never referred to by name throughout the whole story. That is because this story is from Vegeta's point of view, and Vegeta would never give the Supreme Kai the respect of even thinking about him by name. So I came up with all sorts of ugly names for him. I hope that Bulma's "secretive smile" wasn't too vague. So how about a review, Vegeta-and-Bulma-and-maybe-even-Elder-Supreme-Kai fans?