The night was quiet as it always is when Jacob's away, which is always bad. My mind jumps to memories it shouldn't, memories that should be erased, but Jacob's absence brings them to the surface. Without his warmth to suffocate me there is no stopping from the thoughts going back to...my old life. Sometimes, on these cold nights, I like to leave the heater off and touch the glass of the window. I close my eyes and think I'm touching his face-Edward's face. I made the right choice. Atleast that's what I tell myself.
I watch the snow fall down sideways out the window and I smile, thinking of Jacob's return and how I'll know it's him because I'll see the steam. I made the right choice. La Push is beautiful in the winter, how could I miss this? We have a home now, settled in next to the others and my new friends. I run with wolves now. I'm not Vampire Chick anymore. I made the right choice.
When I'm alone I start to doubt that. I close my eyes and think I can feel Edward's penetrating stare trying to read my thoughts. I close my eyes and feel his body overwhelming mine in it's presence and beauty. My flaws could never compete with his perfection, unlike Jacob. Atleast with him we're evenly matched. But I could have been beautiful. I could have been beautiful once.
The timer on the microwave goes off, thankfully, and I am forced to leave the path my mind was just about to venture on. I walk from the livingroom and into the kitchen which is always warm. I grab the hot cocoa from the microwave with ovenmitts-something Jacob has forced me to do when he is away. The corners are all padded down and every entrance his locked with the key that only he has. He wants to protect me, he thinks I'll hurt myself on accident or on purpose. I dip the marshmallows in the hot cocoa and wonder if I should make Jake a cup, he'll be cold when he gets back.
It's my mind again. I turn around but there is no one around me but lonliness and empty space. I had been hearing his voice again. I think back to those days when he had left me and I think it's his own damn fault that he's alone. If he hadn't abandoned me then I wouldn't have found Jacob and he wouldn't have fallen in love with me. If he hadn't abandoned me I'd be like him and we'd be happily ever after by now, right? Is this not happily ever after though?
"Bella...," I look up and there Jake is, shirtless and dripping wet, watching me.
My eyes open in surprise and I see there is a small puddle forming around him, "Jake! What did I tell you about the puddles!"
"Sorry," his voice has an edge to it that I don't like. But I know he is when he gets in his moods. I know that I have to ignore it.
"It's alright. I'll mop it up while you go get changed," I don't look at him. He's staring at me the wrong way and he's not moving yet. There's something wrong. I grab a new mug, "I was going to make you some hot cocoa but I wasn't sure when you'd be returning. I didn't want it to get cold."
"You could have warmed it up," is he picking a fight?
I put the stuff in my hands down on the counter and look up at him, as if fed up. His eyes are black and dangerous, I know that look. It's the look he gives the members of his pack when they bring up my past teasingly. It's always fun and games but one of them comes back injured after a meeting. I leave my hands down, "Did I do something wrong?"
"You're thinking about him," his words come out seperately like barks and I try not to look shocked or too confused.
"Thinking about who?" I ask in a tired tone. He's been picking fights with me all week and I know it's about him. I know it's about Edward.
"You know who I'm talking about!"
I cringe backward and wrap my arms around my chest, defending me from a blow that hasn't been delivered yet. His voice is dangerous but his actions are even more so. I lean my back against the counter and whisper, "I'm not thinking about him."
I shut my eyes because he sounds like he's getting closer and I can't find any corners that I can curl up into.
"I know you're thinking about him! The house is freezing! I've been watching for ten minutes and it's written all over your face! What were you thinking about him! Huh? Is he better than me! Is that what you're thinking?"
"JACOB LET GO!"
He releases me and I crumple to the floor. He had grabbed my arms so fast I had no time to register what to do or how to deflect the attack. I can feel bruises already forming at my shoulders and my eyes begin to tear as my skin slowly realizes how hard he had grabbed me. I'm at his feet again. His bare feet covered in darkness and what ever he had been running home in.
"I know you were thinking about him."
"So what if I was!" I whimper, holding onto myself as I press my back to the lower cabinets. I'm starting to cry a little, "We're married, Jacob, isn't that enough?"
He slams his fist on the counter and I can hear the granite snap and crack, sending shards everywhere, "No! Because you still fucking love him!"
"You don't know that!" I scream as I try to scramble to my feet and run away. But he's too fast. He grabs my by my elbow and yanks me to him so hard my shoulder dislocates and I scream as I slam into his chest.
"I know that! I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR FACE! YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT WHEN YOU THINK OF ME!" he's shouting in my face and I feel like he can kill me. He's shaking so bad I think he's going to shift right in front of me and break my body apart.
He releases me again and I slump down, craddling my arm and crying harder because it hurts so bad and I know the only way to get it back together is going to take more pain. There's silence and I'm sobbing and I wonder what someone said to him to make him feel this way. Why is he so angry? Why is he hurting me so much?
He bends down but I flinch away again, "Jacob stop! Stop it! Please!"
I peak at his face and I see he is my Jacob again and the wild crazy man is gone. He's my light-hearted sunshine but his face is distorted into pure terror that hurts just as much as my shoulder. I wrap my good arm around his neck and pull him to me as he starts to cry and I clutch this Jake to me, the human one.
"I'm so sorry...Bella, I'm so so sorry..."
I rub his back as I try to calm down and calm him down too. We've both been captured, we're both victims here. He was right. I shouldn't have been thinking about him, I shouldn't have gotten him so upset, I should have made him the stupid hot cocoa, I should look at him more. He holds my face into his hands and kisses me softly and apologeticly and I know it's my Jake and not the wild man. The wild man kisses hard and bruises my lips. Jacob is gentle.
"Bella, please forgive me..."
"Jacob...shhh...shhh. It's okay..."I say, trying to calm him.
"You're arm!" he look down at me and starts crying harder.
"No you're not! Look what I've done!" He stands up as if he's aboth to run away.
"Jacob don't leave me!" I scream and he stops, he waits in his tracks and I begin to sob again, "Jacob please don't leave me!"
He slowly lifts me up by my waist and cradles me against him like the wounded puppy I am. Against him I am warm and the earlier cold has vanished from every part of me. I'm home again in his arms and I know I'm safe.