HARRY POTTER

THE ENDING IS JUST THE BEGINNING REPEATING


Lucius Malfoy's life ended the day Sirius Black fell through the Veil. He watched the love of his life die. But it's not over yet.


Author's Note:

Main Pairing: Lucius Malfoy/Sirius Black

Title: Named after The Living End song; 'The Ending Is Just The Beginning Repeating'

Warnings: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH!, explicit language, references to m/m slash, spoilers for all seven books, Mpreg

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, various publishers worldwide, and Warner Bros. I make no money, I just play.


~LS~

Lucius Malfoy's life ended the day Sirius Black fell through the Veil. He was duelling Kingsley Shaklebolt at the time and watched as Bellatrix cast the spell, green light flashing from the tip of her wand. Everything seemed to slow down after that and become grainy, like Lucius was staring at an old photo.

The spell slammed into Sirius and his face froze, locked forever on a smile of pure pleasure. How many times had Lucius seen that smile? How many times had he watched Sirius moan and shout in pleasure beneath him?

And then Sirius started to tip back, Harry Potter and Lucius Malfoy both watching him fall. Thick grey smoke surrounded him and then...

... he was gone.

Just like that.

Through the Veil, gone forever.

Lucius was aware of Potter shouting, Remus Lupin's arms around him. Bellatrix was cackling like the insane woman she was, and the Order of the Phoenix members were fighting through their loss.

A stunner hit Lucius in the gut and he was flung back off the stone platform, slamming into the tiled floor, all air leaving his lungs. The full gravity of the situation hit him too, and it was more powerful than any Avada Kerdavra.

Sirius, his Sirius, was gone.

Lucius Malfoy didn't cry; Malfoys don't cry in public. But on the inside he was weeping as the Death Eaters were pushed back, Potter taking off after Bellatrix, while her comrades were outnumbered and pushed down.

Shaklebolt restrained Lucius, who did little more than fidget, grey eyes glassy, mind swamped with images of Sirius.

His Sirius.

It wasn't long before the Aurors arrived and Lucius heard snippets of conversations;

'... He's back...'

'... Death Eaters in the Ministry...'

'... Lucius Malfoy, no, it can't be...'

'... always a Dark family, them Malfoys...'

'... HE'S BACK!'

He was dragged down into the very bowels of the Ministry, thrown into a holding cell, wand and cane both taken. Lucius fell heavily against the stone wall, his legs no longer able to hold him up.

But still he couldn't cry.

He remembered the last time he and Sirius had been together. Only a month before Sirius had sneaked into the Manor, had taken Lucius in the bed he shared with Narcissa. It was what they always did; hiding, sneaking around, loving each other in secret.

It had been like that since Sirius' last year of Hogwarts.

And now it was over.

Lucius squeezed his eyes shut and took a shuddering breath. He wrapped his arms around his long legs, drawing them up to his chest. He buried his face in his knees and wept tearlessly.

~LS~

Azkaban destroyed Lucius within minutes. The Dementors hovered past, feeding off his happiness... well, what was left of it. Mostly they made him re-live his worst moments.

Sirius, being hit by that spell, and falling through the Veil.

And that was when the tears came. They fell in thick trails down his face, staining his cheeks and making Lucius whimper and shudder in his cell, his sobs echoing around for the other prisoners to hear.

His memories of Draco being born were ripped away.

His and Sirius' first kiss slipped through his fingers like water.

Sirius' manic laugh, his broad smile and mischevious eyes...

... all of it disappeared like smoke in the wind, leaving Lucius hollow and aching.

Lucius' sense of time went to hell and he drifted in and out of conciousness, occasionally eating when he could stomach the stale food they left, only washing when he found the strength to pour freezing cold water over his wrecked body.

He had no visitors. Narcissa kept Draco away and Lucius had no friends or other family. Not that he cared. The love of his life was gone.

Lucius wanted to go too.

~LS~

A door creaked open but Lucius didn't hear it. He was curled up on the thin mattress he used as a bed, arms wrapped around his legs, eyes squeezed shut as he re-lived Sirius' death for the millionth time. His entire body ached and his heart was cracked, his soul ripped to shreds and blew about in his chest.

There was another creak and the cell door opened, Lucius remaining still.

'Malfoy?'

He hadn't heard a warm voice since before his imprisonment, and that alone had Lucius looking up. His glassy eyes widened in surprise when he saw Remus Lupin, the werewolf looking tired and ragged.

'Malfoy?' Lupin said again, crouching on the disgusting floor to look the blonde over.

'W-What...' Lucius croaked out, voice hoarse and gravelly from lack of use.

'What am I doing here?' Lupin supplied. Lucius nodded weakly. 'I... I knew about you and Sirius.'

Fresh tears leaked from Lucius' eyes and he fell back, burying his face in his knees.

'I know you loved him,' Remus said softly. 'I know that your father forced you to take the Mark, to marry Narcissa and... I know that you're not a bad person.'

Lucius just cried.

'I also know that...' Lupin hesitated before taking the plunge, 'I know that you're pregnant.'

Lucius' head shot up, eyes widening. 'What?' he choked out.

'I can smell it on you,' Lupin said quickly. 'You're about two months along.'

'But... b-but...'

'Sirius... he died a month ago, so you would have been five weeks along when... when that happened,' Lupin said, pain evident in his eyes and voice.

Lucius shook violently and the werewolf suddenly grabbed him, hauling him in for a hug. Lucius melted into the warmth; he didn't care that Lupin was a werewolf, a Gryffindor, a Light wizard and once best friend of Sirius Black. He hadn't touched another human being for... had it only been a month?

'You have to serve out your sentence,' Lupin said softly, 'but Scrimgeour's agreed to put you in a holding cell with proper food and medical attention until the baby's born. I take it you don't want to abort?'

Lucius shook his head and continued to sob. Baby? He was pregnant? With Sirius' child?

No, he could never abort. Sirius was gone but... but a part of him would remain behind.

'I'll find a nice home for the baby until you get out,' Lupin promised. 'I'll make sure it's taken care of.'

'W-Why?' Lucius cried.

Lupin sighed sadly. 'Because I loved Sirius too. He was my best friend.'

He pulled Lucius closer and rocked him as he cried, the two sharing each other's pain.

~LS~

Lucius was moved to a cell in the Ministry. He had Aurors watching him constantly, but at least there was a proper bed and shower, he was fed and looked after. Lucius knew they hated it; he was a convicted Death Eater, Dark, evil, blah, blah.

But even the darkest wizards wouldn't force the death of an unborn child. Lucius' baby was an innocent, it wouldn't be judged for who Lucius was.

So he was fed and clothed, he was allowed to read and see a healer. His mind started to mend as his stomach swelled.

Lucius spoke to the baby softly. He told it all about Sirius; about its brave daddy who was always willing to smile and make a joke. Lucius would rub his stomach and cry as he choked on Sirius' name, remembering the man he had lost.

~LS~

The best thing about being away from Azkaban was that Lucius could remember the good times.

He remembered when he and Sirius met. His love had only been young, about twelve or thirteen. Lucius had just had his marriage arranged and he'd had to meet his furutre-wife's family, which included Sirius Black.

He'd been loud and strong, a practical joker who was the first non-Slytherin in Black family history. He had shouted and cursed and screamed as his mother and father called him useless, a blood-traitor, a queer.

Lucius had been intrigued; Sirius was everything he wasn't. He stood up for his beliefs, he didn't let his family tell him how to live his life, unlike Lucius who allowed his father to arrange everything.

Lucius started looking forward to his visits to Grimmauld Place. He would follow Sirius as the Gryffindor snuck away to smoke or do something else innapropriate. They talked and got to know each other, they argued and tried to curse each other.

And then, when Sirius was eighteen and about to graduate Hogwarts, they kissed and slept with each other.

Lucius remembered the first kiss; warm, wet lips that were so innocent and hesitant. A hand ghosting his hip before fingers dug in and dragged him close. Sirius had been so passionate and wild, so absolutely glorious that Lucius could lose himself in the younger man.

Neither spoke after it. But it happened again. And again, and again and again until neither could lie any more.

Somehow, despite their upbringings and beliefs and the fact that Lucius was married, the two fell in love.

Lucius was devestated when Sirius went to prison. He wasn't like everyone else; he knew Sirius was innocent. His Sirius would never become a Death Eater, would never betray James and Lily Potter like that. James had been his brother in everything but blood, Lily like a sister, and little Harry a son.

No, Sirius wasn't a Death Eater.

But he was rotting in Azkaban like one.

When he escaped Lucius had been so proud. Of course Sirius Black would figure it out; the man was brilliant. And when Sirius found him, and said he still loved him, Lucius told Sirius that he loved him too.

Their lives still didn't matter, the fact that Lucius was still married didn't matter.

Because all they wanted was each other.

And then it was ripped away and Lucius cried violently, swollen body shaking. Lucius curled up hugging his stomach, thinking about the baby Sirius would never meet.

Thinking about the man he'd never hold again.

~LS~

Lucius had a new respect for women after childbirth. He never, ever wanted to do it again. The pain was excruciating and he still didn't know how he'd got through it. He'd whimpered and screamed and tried to hex the healer who delivered the baby.

His and Sirius' baby.

The little boy was placed in Lucius' arms and the exhausted blonde smiled for the first time in months. His son had a mop of curly black hair exactly like Sirius' and when he opened his eyes they were a light blue. Lucius knew most babies were born with blue eyes, Draco's hadn't changed to grey until he was three.

Not that Lucius was going to be around to see if his son would have his pale grey eyes or Sirius' stormy grey ones.

He was given an hour alone with his baby to name him before he was whisked away by Remus Lupin. Lucius would be given a few days to recover before being thrown back in Azkaban to serve out the remainder of his fifteen-year sentence.

'Take care of him,' Lucius said, watching as his son was placed in Lupin's arms.

'Do you remember Joseph Mailstream?' Lupin said. 'He was in Slytherin with you.'

Lucius nodded. He and Joseph had been friends before the first war, when Joseph and his friends had fled Britain, and Lucius' father Abraxas had joined the Dark Lord.

'He and his wife have agreed to take him in until you're released,' Lupin continued. 'I told them everything.'

Lucius nodded again and Lupin stepped closer, aware of the Aurors watching him and Lucius.

'What's his name?' Lupin asked.

'Syrus,' Lucius choked out. 'Syrus Lucas Black.'

Lupin smiled and Lucius kissed his son on the forehead.

'I love you,' Lucius whispered as fresh tears coated his cheeks. And he watched as Lupin took the last reminder of Sirius Black that Lucius had.

~LS~

Lucius sat in his study, staring at the destruction. The Dark Lord was finally dead, at the hands of seventeen-year-old Harry Potter. The wizarding world was rejoicing and mourning. Lucius and his family had made it out alive and had escaped prison sentences, courtesy of Harry Potter himself.

Lucius knocked back his fifth drink, mind swimming and tears threatening to break free. He'd heard that Remus Lupin and his wife had been casualties, leaving behind an infant son. It reminded Lucius of his own youngest, a boy he'd only known for one hour. He didn't know where he was, where the Mailstreams lived. All he knew was that he needed to find him.

Neither Narcissa nor Draco said anything when Lucius threw himself into work. They were just glad he'd stopped drinking. The war had changed them all and Lucius was broken.

They just didn't know that it was because of his lost love.

~LS~

'Lucius?' Joseph Mailstream blanched, opening the door wider.

The man before him was so different to the Malfoy heir Joseph had known when they were young. He was thinner and paler than Joseph remembered, and his blonde hair was cut short and styled. He was wearing a dark blue sweater with a black coat over the top, denim jeans and leather shoes on his bottom half. He... he looked like a Muggle.

'Joseph, I would have owled but everything happened so suddenly,' Lucius said. 'Can I come in?'

Joseph nodded and let Lucius in, the two walking into the sitting room. Joseph's wife Karen was nursing baby Olivia and she started when she saw Lucius.

'Lucius Malfoy?'

Lucius smiled and leaned down to kiss her cheek. 'You finally got your daughter,' he chuckled, gesturing at the baby.

Karen smiled as her eyes wandered up and down Lucius, noting the changes. 'Yes. Don't get me wrong, I love Kaleb, but I've always wanted a girl.'

Joseph gestured to the free armchair and Lucius sagged into it, looking exhausted.

'Have you come for him?' Joseph asked.

Lucius nodded.

'Are you sure that's wise?' Karen said. 'What about Narcissa and Draco?'

'My lawyers drew up the divorce papers which I signed, Draco just got married, and I left without a word,' Lucius said softly. 'Draco's grown up, he doesn't need me. I...'

He trailed off and Joseph smiled softly. 'You need someone.'

Lucius nodded. 'I... I miss Sirius so much and I can't... I just can't stand the thought of someone else raising our son.' He looked up at the couple. 'Not that I don't appreciate what you've done for me, but-'

'You want your son,' Karen nodded in understanding. 'That's okay, Lucius.'

'I bought a house in a Muggle neighbourhood not far away,' Lucius said. 'I thought it'd be easier on him if he could still see you.'

'Good idea,' Joseph said and stood. 'Do you want to meet him?'

Lucius nodded and followed Joseph through the large house. They stopped outside a dark wooden door and Joseph pushed it open.

Two boys were sitting inside the room, one reading, the other playing with toy dragons. Both looked up and smiled at Joseph before glancing at Lucius.

'Kaleb, can you come with me?' Joseph said.

''Kay,' Kaleb said and stood to follow his father. Joseph smiled at Lucius and left him and the other boy alone.

The boy was seven-years-old, tall for his age and thin, with wavy black hair that fell down to his shoulders and stormy grey eyes. Lucius felt his heart crack slightly; the child was the very image of Sirius Black.

'Hello,' the boy said politely, putting his book aside. He turned to face Lucius as the former Malfoy patriarch crouched down to speak to him.

'Hello, Syrus,' Lucius smiled.

Syrus cocked his head. 'I've seen pictures of you,' he said. 'Karen and Jospeh show me every night.'

Lucius nodded slightly and took a deep breath. 'Syrus, do you know what a father is?'

'Joseph is Kaleb's daddy,' Syrus said. 'He's not my daddy, he said my daddy is busy.'

'I'm your daddy, Syrus,' Lucius said softly.

Syrus's brow furrowed in confusion. 'You are?' Lucius nodded. 'Oh...'

'I'm here to take you home,' Lucius said.

'I have to leave?' Syrus said, looking around the sitting room.

'I'm sorry, I know you must like it here,' Lucius said. 'But I've come to take you home with me, so I can be a proper daddy.'

A bright smile lit up Syrus' face. 'So I'll have what Kaleb has?'

'Yes, Syrus,' Lucius said, his chest filling with warmth. 'We'll be a proper family.'

Syrus's smile faded until he looked confused again. 'Joseph said I have two daddies.' Lucius let out a choked sob and closed his eyes. 'Are you okay?' Syrus asked in concern.

'I'm... I'm fine,' Lucius stammered. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a laminated photo. He glanced down at it before standing. 'May I sit?'

Syrus shuffled aside so they could share the armchair. Lucius put his arm around the little boy, thrilled when he didn't move away.

'See this man?' he said, pointing to the dark-haired wizard in the photo.

'Yeah,' Syrus nodded.

'That's your other daddy,' Lucius said.

Syrus took the photo and looked it over carefully, Lucius watching him. It was a photo of his and Narcissa's wedding. Sirius and Lucius were standing side by side smirking at each other, the love evident if anyone looked closely enough. Lucius had cut it out of a larger picture.

It was the only photo of him and Sirius together.

'Where is he?' Syrus asked, looking around as though Sirius would jump from behind a sofa.

Lucius had to take another deep breath and push the tears back. 'He... he passed away before you were born.'

'Oh,' Syrus said. He looked up at Lucius. 'Did you love him?'

'With all my heart,' Lucius said honestly.

'I'm sorry,' Syrus said, handing the photo back.

'You can keep it if you want,' Lucius said. 'It's the only photo I have of him.'

Syrus glanced back down at it before saying, 'It's more important to you.' He handed it over and Lucius glanced at it before putting it in his pocket. 'What was his name?'

'Sirius,' Lucius said softly. 'Sirius Orion Black.'

'Like my last name,' Syrus smiled, seemingly glad that he had a connection to the father he'd never know.

Lucius smiled and brushed the boy's hair back. 'Yes. I named you after him.'

'I like my name,' Syrus announced. 'Kaleb always says his name is best 'cause he has two middle names. But I reckon Syrus Lucas Black is cooler than Kaleb Joseph Joshua Mailstream.'

Lucius chuckled. 'I agree with you, Syrus.' Syrus blushed suddenly and looked down. 'What is it?'

'What's your name?' Syrus asked.

'Lucius Malfoy,' Lucius said.

'And... and you carried me?' Syrus asked. 'Karen esplained that one of my daddies carried me in his belly, like she did with Olivia.'

Lucius smiled at Syrus' pronunciation of the word 'explained'. He took Syrus' hand carefully and placed it against his own stomach. 'I carried you in here for six months.'

'I grew in your belly?' Syrus asked, eyes wide with wonder.

He looked so much like Sirius that it broke Lucius' heart. But it made him feel warm at the same time. Sirius Black might have passed away, but he was still here in another form.

'Yes, you grew right here,' Lucius said.

'Why... why haven't I met you before?' Syrus questioned. 'Kaleb's known his daddy all his life, but I'm only just meeting you.'

Lucius sighed and rubbed his eyes. 'It's a long story, Syrus. When you get older I'll explain everything to you.' Syrus pouted and it made Lucius smile. 'You're just like your dad.'

'My other daddy?' Syrus asked and Lucius nodded. 'Does that make you sad?'

'No,' Lucius shook his head. 'It makes me smile because it means Sirius is still alive, in you.'

'I bet he's in heaven watching over you,' Syrus said brightly.

Lucius chuckled. 'I think he's watching over both of us.' Syrus smiled and Lucius said, 'We should go pack your things, we're leaving after dinner.'

'Can I still visit Kaleb?' Syrus asked, suddenly looking worried.

'Of course you can,' Lucius said, turning to face his son. 'I don't want to upset you, Syrus, so tell me if I do something that makes you sad.'

'It's okay,' Syrus said. 'I want to live with you and as long as I can see Kaleb, I don't mind.'

Lucius nodded and stood, helping Syrus slide from the armchair. The boy picked up his book before looking up at Lucius.

'I'm sorry about Sirius,' Syrus said quietly as they left the room.

Lucius nodded shortly, tears threatening to break free. 'I am too,' he said softly.

Lucius Malfoy's life ended the day Sirius Black fell through the Veil.

And then Syrus Black took his hand, threaded their fingers together, and said brightly, 'At least you've got me, Daddy.'

That was when Lucius Malfoy's life began again.


~Fin~


Author's Note: I was considering this ending for my other Sirius/Lucius story but decided it was too sad. So I decided to make it a short story. Hope you enjoyed it.

I hadn't planned on putting anything new on FFN, but this doesn't have anything graphic, so hopefully it won't get deleted.

I live to entertain.

And, most importantly,

{IBegToDreamAndDiffer}