There are times when I worry about what I've gotten myself into and days where no matter what happens, no matter what he says or does, I can't help but smile in the face of all the chaos in our lives. He tries so hard to be 'tough' that he doesn't realize he's more fragile than he appears. He also doesn't seem to realize that I can see it lurking there just beneath the surface.
What would he say if I told him I knew? What would he do? I wonder and I worry and I try my hardest not to let it show; to not let him know I feel it too. This overwhelming desire to monopolize him, to control and be controlled. I knew I was a submissive, but sometimes I wonder if he realizes the submissive holds the power in a relationship like ours? heh He probably doesn't even realize we're in a 'relationship'. Not the way I mean it anyways.
When he's this close, close enough that his breath moves my hair and sends shivers down my back I can see it, the slight look of panic in his eyes before he tries to bully me into something or other. It's not that he's against forcing me, I think the panic is because he's afraid of what will happen if I ever really stand up to him and say 'no'. What would he do then? Would he back down like that time with saving the Tiberius or would he get rid of me? What did happen to his last two partners?
It eats at you-not knowing. I'd be more at ease if I knew, one way or the other, if he'd slept with them, if they were alive or dead. Not knowing is a slow, painful death. Every once and awhile though he does something so incredibly sweet and cute that it catches my breath and I stand there stupefied, trying not to smile when all I really want to do is just that. When we first transferred to the Sleipnir and he rearranged our room I wanted to give in to the feeling of completeness so bad, but I couldn't. His pride wouldn't let me. He had no idea at how happy that made me and he never will.
The fact that I have to hide my true feelings is nothing new. I've been doing it my entire life: first from my family, then the other navigators, and now Cain. But really, if there was someone I ever truly wanted to let my guard down with, it would be him. I've let it down so much already, but I just can't let myself drop that last little bit that keeps me feeling 'safe'. Every time I think I can he goes and does something to screw it up. I want to trust him completely, but I can't. Not yet. I need him to prove himself to me I guess. To prove he feels something other than contempt and lust.
But would his loving me really make a difference? If he ever did treat me like an equal, like a real lover, would I give up my last remaining defenses and let him in completely? Honestly, I don't know. Thinking about this gives me a headache. I just want to sleep here, wrapped up in his arms in our cramped little cabin and ignore everything and everyone.
His fingertips brush my forehead. I drift off to the gentle touch of his lips on my closed eyes and a soft sigh of relief as he holds me just that much closer. For now this is enough for me. I'll worry about the rest in the morning.