ZERO BIRTHDAY

Disclaimer: Zero Wing no belong to I. Belong to people unknown to I. But not I. Fic belong to I, though.

A/N: Fic humor. No more, no less. Rate and review.

A/N2: I don't really write like that, so, um, don't think I'm stupid, k?

It good day on ZIG carrier. No bad thing happen in ZIG carrier. Good day for captain and crew. Having a party on ZIG carrier to celebrate Captain's birthday.

"Good day on ZIG carrier," say operator.

"Yes," Captain reply, smile on face, cone hat on head. "Nothing wrong can be going."

Something missing, but party continue. Crew listen to music by band call "The ZIGGIES". They rocking hard, eat chips, party.

Sudden, knock on ZIG carrier door. Crew wonder who is.

"Who is?" Captain call, curious on his mind.

"It me," voice answer, mysterious.

Captain eyes widening. Can be him, can it? He wonder. He know he share birthday with other person, bad person, person enemy rival of ZIG carrier, person animal name. Know he want party too, but can not have because evil. Evil people do not have party when birthday. Birthday not evil.

Stupid operator do stupid thing open door. In walk man 7, 8, no 9 foot in height, black cape big, grin evil wanting base belong to him.

"How are you gentlemen?" man say. It Cats!

All gasp. They scare because Cats always want base belong to him and them on their way to destruction they have no chance to survive make their time. Danger for ZIG carrier imminent. Captain know.

"All your birthday cake are belong to us," Cats say, grin broad, think of cake.

"What you say?" Captain ask, perplex at sudden entrance of arch enemy, Cats. Very unexpect.

"Why?" nosy ZIG pilot ask, chips and salsa in mouth. Spit chips and salsa on Cats while he talk, accident.

Cats flick bits of chips and salsa off black cape. Disgust. "Because…" he begin, but not know what say.

"Yes?" nosy ZIG pilot urge on. But Cats no say. Nosy ZIG pilot think amusing. "Ha ha ha ha, you no know what you doing! Point of invasion not known to you! Ha ha ha ha!"

Cats silent.

"ZIG pilot," Captain interrupt teasing. "What you doing?"

"You know what I doing!" nosy ZIG pilot state. "Make fun of big, scary Cats!"

Tear on Cats cheek. Captain pity.

"I just want all your cake belong to us!" Cats say through tears. "Evil ZIG carrier I live on no have birthday cake like ZIG carrier of Captain."

Nosy ZIG pilot stop teasing. Captain think deep. At present, Cats weak. Captain could tell Cats bug off, but won't. Captain make decision.

"Operator," Captain say. "Move every ZIG cake." Operator only stare. "You know what you doing!" Captain command. "Move ZIG cake!" Curl over, hold head because of migraine. "For great justice!"

Operator nod, send cake to Cats. Cake wheel over on cart to Cats. Cake big with rainbow frosting. Lots of sugar. Not for diabetic.

"Since you no have party," Captain say to Cats, "I give you cake," pause, "for great justice." When Cats hesitate, Captain add, "Fat free."

Cats wipe tear from eye, pick up cake. Look at cake. Smile evil.

"Ha ha ha ha," Cats laugh, evil in head. "All your cake are belong to us!" Begin run away. "I trick you." Run to evil ZIG ship before Captain do anything. "And now, you are on your way to destruction!" he say, over intercom.

"Main screen turn on!" Captain shout, angry tricked. Prepare for battle. Party over.

Cats say, over main screen, "You have no chance to survive make your time." Cats stuff face with Captain cake. "Frosting bad," he proclaim. Smear all over main screen.

"NO!" Captain scream, fall to knees. "FROSTING BEST PART!"

"Captain!" Operator shout. "What we do?"

Captains hold head in hands. Cake ruin. Captain tricked. Main screen smear with frosting. Decisions incapable of making.

"Captain?" Operator question second time. Captain lost in despair of losing cake?

Captain recollect self. Breath deep. Idea in head has he. "Retreat," he whisper.

"Captain?" Operator ask again.

"I say retreat!" Captain order fierce. "You know what you doing!"

Operator affirm, tell ZIG ships retreat.

"We get Cats," Captain say assuring, "tomorrow."

1 Next day…

Cats in bathroom. Bathrobe on back, scale at feet. Cats yawn, stand on scale, squeal.

"Gain 5 pounds!" Cats shout. "Captain cake full fat! Captain lie!"

Run to pantry where cake left over. Read label.

"Look at all fat!" Cats cry. "Captain lie! Cake not fat free!" Fall to knees, raise arms air, yell, "CURSE YOU, CAPTAIN!!" Add as look at cake, "This going straight to thighs."

END STORY WITH CAPTAIN CELEBRATE CATS LOW SELF ESTEEM