Disclaimer: I don'ton DKC or the play.

Cast for the act:











Cinna-Red Kremling



Publius-K. Lumsy


Act II, Scene I


Diddy enters in his orchard.

Diddy: What, Kiddy, ho!—

I cannot by the progress of the stars

Give guess how near to day.—Kiddy, I say!—

I would it were my fault to sleep so soundly.—

When, Kiddy, when? Awake, I say! What, Kiddy!

Kiddy enters.

Kiddy: Called you, my lord?

Diddy: Get me a taper in my study, Kiddy.

When it is lighted, come and call me here.

Kiddy: I will, my lord.

Kiddy exits.

Diddy: Itmust be by his death, and for my part

I know no personal cause to spurn at him

But for the general. He would be crowned.

How that might change his nature, there's the question.

It is the bright day that brings forth the adder

And that craves wary walking. Crown him that,

And then I grant we put a sting in him

That at his will he may do danger with.

Th' abuse of greatness is when it disjoins

Remorse from power. And, to speak truth of DK,

I have not known when his affections swayed

More than his reason. But 'tis a common proof

That lowliness is young ambition's ladder,

Whereto the climber upward turns his face.

But when he once attains the upmost round,

He then unto the ladder turns his back,

Looks in the clouds, scorning the base degrees

By which he did ascend. So DK may.

Then, lest he may, prevent. And since the quarrel

Will bear no color for the thing he is,

Fashion it thus: that what he is, augmented,

Would run to these and these extremities.

And therefore think him as a serpent's egg—

Which, hatched, would as his kind grow mischievous—

And kill him in the shell.

Kiddy enters.

Kiddy: The taper burneth in your closet, sir.

Searching the window for a flint, I found

This paper, thus sealed up, and I am sure

It did not lie there when I went to bed.

(gives him a letter)

Diddy: Get you to bed again. It is not day.

Is not tomorrow, boy, the Ides of March?

Kiddy: I know not, sir.

Diddy: Look in the calendar and bring me word.

Kiddy: I will, sir.

Kiddy exits.

Diddy: The exhalations whizzing in the air

Give so much light that I may read by them.

(opens the letter and reads)

"Diddy, thou sleep'st. Awake, and see thyself.

Shall Rome, etc. Speak, strike, redress!"

"Diddy, thou sleep'st. Awake."

Such instigations have been often dropped

Where I have took them up.

—"Shall Rome, etc." Thus must I piece it out:

"Shall Rome stand under one man's awe?" What, Rome?

My ancestors did from the streets of Rome

The Tarquin drive when he was called a king.

—"Speak, strike, redress!" Am I entreated

To speak and strike? O Rome, I make thee promise,

If the redress will follow, thou receivest

Thy full petition at the hand of Diddy!

Kiddy enters.

Kiddy: Sir, March is wasted fifteen days.

The sound of a knock offstage.

Diddy: 'Tis good. Go to the gate. Somebody knocks.

Kiddy enters.

Diddy: Since Wrinkly first did whet me against DK,

I have not slept.

Between the acting of a dreadful thing

And the first motion, all the interim is

Like a phantasma or a hideous dream.

The genius and the mortal instruments

Are then in council, and the state of man,

Like to a little kingdom, suffers then

The nature of an insurrection.

Kiddy enters.

Kiddy: Sir, 'tis your friend Wrinkly at the door,

Who doth desire to see you.

Diddy: Is she alone?

Kiddy: No, sir, there are more with .

Diddy: Do you know them?

Kiddy: No, sir. Their hats are plucked about their ears,

And half their faces buried in their cloaks,

That by no means I may discover them

By any mark of favor.

Diddy: Let 'em enter.

Kiddy exits.

Diddy: They are the faction. O conspiracy,

Shamest thou to show thy dangerous brow by night

When evils are most free? O, then by day

Where wilt thou find a cavern dark enough

To mask thy monstrous visage? Seek none, conspiracy.

Hide it in smiles and affability.

For if thou path, thy native semblance on,

Not Erebus itself were dim enough

To hide thee from prevention.

Enter the conspirators: Wrinkly, Lanky, Chunky, Red Kremling, KAOS, and Cthulu.

Wrinkly: I think we are too bold upon your rest.

Good morrow, Diddy. Do we trouble you?

Diddy: I have been up this hour, awake all night.

Know I these men that come along with you?

Wrinkly: Yes, every man of them, and no man here

But honors you, and every one doth wish

You had but that opinion of yourself

Which every noble Roman bears of you.

This is Cthulu.

Diddy: He is welcome hither.

Wrinkly: This, Chunky.

Diddy: He is welcome too.

Wrinkly: This, Lanky. This, Toma. And this, KAOS.

Diddy: They are all welcome.

What watchful cares do interpose themselves

Betwixt your eyes and night?

Wrinkly: Shall I entreat a word?

The two withdraw and whisper.

Chunky: Here lies the east. Doth not the day break here?

Lanky: No.

Red Kremling: O, pardon, sir, it doth, and yon gray lines

That fret the clouds are messengers of day.

Lanky: You shall confess that you are both deceived.

(points his sword)

Here, as I point my sword, the sun arises,

Which is a great way growing on the south,

Weighing the youthful season of the year.

Some two months hence up higher toward the north

He first presents his fire, and the high east

Stands, as the Capitol, directly here.

Diddy: (comes forward with Wrinkly)

Give me your hands all over, one by one.

(shakes their hands)

Wrinkly: And let us swear our resolution.

Diddy: No, not an oath. If not the face of men,

The sufferance of our souls, the time's abuse—

If these be motives weak, break off betimes,

And every man hence to his idle bed.

So let high-sighted tyranny range on

Till each man drop by lottery. But if these—

As I am sure they do—bear fire enough

To kindle cowards and to steel with valor

The melting spirits of women, then, countrymen,

What need we any spur but our own cause

To prick us to redress? What other bond

Than secret Romans that have spoke the word

And will not palter? And what other oath

Than honesty to honesty engaged,

That this shall be, or we will fall for it?

Swear priests and cowards and men cautelous,

Old feeble carrions and such suffering souls

That welcome wrongs. Unto bad causes swear

Such creatures as men doubt. But do not stain

The even virtue of our enterprise,

Nor th' insuppressive mettle of our spirits,

To think that or our cause or our performance

Did need an oath, when every drop of blood

That every Roman bears—and nobly bears—

Is guilty of a several bastardy

If he do break the smallest particle

Of any promise that hath passed from him.

Wrinkly: But what of Gnaeus? Shall we sound him?

I think he will stand very strong with us.

Lanky: Let us not leave him out.

RK: No, by no means.

KAOS: O, let us have him, for his silver hairs

Will purchase us a good opinion

And buy men's voices to commend our deeds.

It shall be said his judgment ruled our hands.

Our youths and wildness shall no whit appear,

But all be buried in his gravity.

Diddy: O, name him not. Let us not break with him,

For he will never follow anything

That other men begin.

Wrinkly: Then leave him out.

Lanky: Indeed he is not fit.

Chunky: Shall no man else be touched but only DK?

Wrinkly: Chunky, well urged. I think it is not meet

Funky, so well beloved of DK

Should outlive DK. We shall find of him

A shrewd contriver. And, you know, his means,

If he improve them, may well stretch so far

As to annoy us all; which to prevent,

Let Funky and DK fall together.

Diddy: Our course will seem too bloody, Caia Ryn.

To cut the head off and then hack the limbs,

Like wrath in death and envy afterwards,

For Funky is but a limb of DK.

Let us be sacrificers but not butchers, Caia.

We all stand up against the spirit of DK,

And in the spirit of men there is no blood.

Oh, that we then could come by DK's spirit

And not dismember DK! But, alas,

DK must bleed for it. And, gentle friends,

Let's kill him boldly but not wrathfully.

Let's carve him as a dish fit for the gods,

Not hew him as a carcass fit for hounds.

And let our hearts, as subtle masters do,

Stir up their servants to an act of rage

And after seem to chide 'em. This shall make

Our purpose necessary and not envious,

Which so appearing to the common eyes,

We shall be called purgers, not murderers.

And for Funky, think not of him,

For he can do no more than DK's arm

When DK's head is off.

Wrinkly: Yet I fear him.

For in the engrafted love he bears to DK—

Diddy: Alas, good Wrinkly, do not think of him.

If he love DK, all that he can do

Is to himself: take thought and die for DK,

And that were much he should, for he is given

To sports, to wildness and much company.

Cthulu: There is no fear in him. Let him not die,

For he will live and laugh at this hereafter.

A clock strikes.

Diddy: Peace! Count the clock.

Wrinkly: The clock hath stricken three.

Cthulu: 'Tis time to part.

Wrinkly: But it is doubtful yet

Whether DK will come forth today or no.

For he is superstitious grown of late,

Quite from the main opinion he held once

Of fantasy, of dreams and ceremonies.

It may be, these apparent prodigies,

The unaccustomed terror of this night,

And the persuasion of his augurers

May hold him from the Capitol today.

Chunky: Never fear that. If he be so resolved,

I can o'ersway him. For he loves to hear

That unicorns may be betrayed with trees,

And bears with glasses, elephants with holes,

Lions with toils, and men with flatterers.

But when I tell him he hates flatterers,

He says he does, being then most flatterèd.

Let me work.

For I can give his humor the true bent,

And I will bring him to the Capitol.

Wrinkly: Nay, we will all of us be there to fetch him.

Diddy: By the eighth hour. Is that the uttermost?

RK: Be that the uttermost, and fail not then.

KAOS: Klubba doth bear DK hard,

Who rated him for speaking well of Pompey.

I wonder none of you have thought of him.

Diddy: Now, good KAOS, go along by him.

He loves me well, and I have given him reasons.

Send him but hither and I'll fashion him.

Wrinkly: The morning comes upon 's. We'll leave you, Diddy.

—And, friends, disperse yourselves. But all remember

What you have said, and show yourselves true Romans.

Diddy: Good gentlemen, look fresh and merrily.

Let not our looks put on our purposes,

But bear it as our Roman actors do,

With untired spirits and formal constancy.

And so good morrow to you every one.

Eveyone but Diddy leaves.

Diddy: Boy! Kiddy!—Fast asleep? It is no matter.

Enjoy the honey-heavy dew of slumber.

Thou hast no figures nor no fantasies,

Which busy care draws in the brains of men.

Therefore thou sleep'st so sound.

Dixie enters.

Dixie: Diddy, my lord.

Diddy: Dixie, what mean you? Wherefore rise you now?

It is not for your health thus to commit

Your weak condition to the raw, cold morning.

Dixie: Nor for yours neither. Y' have ungently, Diddy,

Stole from my bed. And yesternight, at supper,

You suddenly arose and walked about,

Musing and sighing, with your arms across,

And when I asked you what the matter was,

You stared upon me with ungentle looks.

I urged you further, then you scratched your head

And too impatiently stamped with your foot.

Yet I insisted; yet you answered not,

But with an angry wafture of your hand

Gave sign for me to leave you. So I did,

Fearing to strengthen that impatience

Which seemed too much enkindled, and withal

Hoping it was but an effect of humor,

Which sometime hath his hour with every man.

It will not let you eat nor talk nor sleep,

And could it work so much upon your shape

As it hath much prevailed on your condition,

I should not know you, Diddy. Dear my lord,

Make me acquainted with your cause of grief.

Diddy: I am not well in health, and that is all.

Dixie: Diddy is wise, and were he not in health,

He would embrace the means to come by it.

Diddy: Why, so I do. Good Dixie, go to bed.

Dixie: Is Diddy sick? And is it physical

To walk unbracèd and suck up the humors

Of the dank morning? What, is Diddy sick,

And will he steal out of his wholesome bed,

To dare the vile contagion of the night

And tempt the rheumy and unpurgèd air

To add unto his sickness? No, my Diddy.

You have some sick offense within your mind,

Which by the right and virtue of my place

I ought to know of.

(kneels) And upon my knees

I charm you, by my once-commended beauty,

By all your vows of love and that great vow

Which did incorporate and make us one

That you unfold to me, your self, your half,

Why you are heavy, and what men tonight

Have had to resort to you. For here have been

Some six or seven who did hide their faces

Even from darkness.

Diddy: Kneel not, gentle Dixie.

Dixie: (rising) I should not need if you were gentle, Diddy.

Within the bond of marriage, tell me, Diddy,

Is it excepted I should know no secrets

That appertain to you? Am I yourself

But, as it were, in sort or limitation,

To keep with you at meals, comfort your bed,

And talk to you sometimes?

Dwell I but in the suburbs

Of your good pleasure? If it be no more,

Dixie is Diddy's harlot, not his wife.

Diddy: You are my true and honorable wife,

As dear to me as are the ruddy drops

That visit my sad heart.

Dixie: If this were true, then should I know this secret.

I grant I am a woman, but withal

A woman that Lord Diddy took to wife.

I grant I am a woman, but withal

A woman well-reputed, Cato's daughter.

Think you I am no stronger than my sex,

Being so fathered and so husbanded?

Tell me your counsels. I will not disclose 'em.

I have made strong proof of my constancy,

Giving myself a voluntary wound

Here in the thigh. Can I bear that with patience,

And not my husband's secrets?

Diddy: O ye gods,

Render me worthy of this noble wife!

A knocking sound offstage.

Diddy: Hark, hark! One knocks. Dixie, go in awhile.

And by and by thy bosom shall partake

The secrets of my heart.

All my engagements I will construe to thee,

All the charactery of my sad brows.

Leave me with haste.

Dixie exits.

Diddy: Kiddy, who's that knocking?

Kiddy and Klubba enter.

Kiddy: He is a sick man that would speak with you.

Diddy: Klubba, that KAOS spake of.—

Boy, stand aside.—Klubba, how?

Klubba: Vouchsafe good morrow from a feeble tongue.

Diddy: O, what a time have you chose out, brave Klubba,

To wear a kerchief! Would you were not sick!

Klubba: I am not sick if Diddy have in hand

Any exploit worthy the name of honor.

Diddy: Such an exploit have I in hand, Klubba,

Had you a healthful ear to hear of it.

Klubba: (removes his kerchief)

By all the gods that Romans bow before,

I here discard my sickness! Soul of Rome,

Brave son derived from honorable loins,

Thou, like an exorcist, hast conjured up

My mortifièd spirit. Now bid me run,

And I will strive with things impossible,

Yea, get the better of them. What's to do?

Diddy: A piece of work that will make sick men whole.

Klubba: But are not some whole that we must make sick?

Diddy: That must we also. What it is, my Klubba,

I shall unfold to thee as we are going

To whom it must be done.

Klubba: Set on your foot,

And with a heart new-fired I follow you,

To do I know not what. But it sufficeth

That Diddy leads me on.


Diddy: Follow me, then.

They exit.