Welcome to my new AU. I know there is a lot of unsavory censorship happening on FF right now, but I don't have access to AO3 until 2013. I do however have a tumblr under the username glintwarsgreatest, which I use to update on my writing process and give previews out on a whim. I will also be working on creating a blogspot or a live journal in the next few days. If you want to read my other AU, "The Hard Road Taken" I hope you do so. These two stories will be vastly different.

OK so after that little note here are some warnings: This story contains the following: sex. Rough language. Drug Use. Alcohol Abuse. Mental Abuse. Physical Abuse. Self Harm. Later on it will contain the following trigger warnings: Suicide, Rape, and Violent Death. I'm really not kidding around with those warnings either. This story is loosely based around my own life in high school/college and as a young adult.

A quick summary: Katniss is 20 years old in her second summer at college before her Junior year officially starts. (I'm basing the college town around Florida State in Tallahassee where I went but I never come out and say it. But if you recognize some places I describe that's why.) She is a mess mentally, and emotionally, as her past continues to haunt her, causing her to rely on illegal substances to calm her mind. When she continues to run into a man who always manages to get under her skin she is taken on a journey of self discovery, as well as learning that sometimes the people you would least expect are as fucked up as you are.

Here we go. (Sorry for any grammar mistakes or spelling errors. I don't have a beta and its late as I type this).

I woke up on the cold hard floor of the tiled bathroom, not for the first time, and definitely not for the last. I struggled to lift my upper body up for a few seconds to take in my surroundings before collapsing with a loud groan. I used my arms one more time to flop myself off my stomach and onto my back, shielding my eyes from the light coming from the small window above the toilet.

"Fuck." My voice was hoarse, and based on the smell coming from my mouth I had thrown up last night. Judging by my lack of clothing I had also been what some people refer to as "wild and out Katniss". I looked around from my spot on the floor for my phone, finding it on the edge of the tub. I had a lot of texts and missed calls.

A standard "morning after blacking out" rule is to not read text or answer calls from unknown numbers, so I went straight to Gale's and Madge's messages. Madge's were the standard "let me know that you're alive" texts that I've come to expect given my penchant for blacking out all the fucking time. I quickly text her back telling her I'm alive and not in some stranger's bed, and that I would see her later for the details before opening Gale's awaiting messages. Gale and Madge are the only two people at this school I actually consider "friends", the main difference between the two of them being that I don't have sex with Madge, but I do with Gale. He's hot, he's a fun friend, and more importantly I don't always have to shave because he doesn't give a shit.

Gale: Yo Catnip. Did you go home as alone as I did?

Gale: And Glimmer doesn't get here until 9pm so get your ass over here in the morning.

Me: I need to shower. Also if you wouldn't mind doing me a favor, I 'd like for you to fuck my hangover away. Be there in 30 mins.

I used to care about how crass I had become over the past few years, but lately I had stopped caring. I didn't care what other people thought of me, and I really didn't care about what I thought of myself. Or actually, I think I cared about my own self-perception too much, which is why I haven't been consistently sober in over 3 years. But until the booze doesn't clear my head and the random sex stops being good I have no intentions to stop.

I pulled myself up and into the shower, examining my new bruises from the night before. I vaguely remembered falling off a bar stool last night, which explained why my ass hurt so bad, but it was noting a few bars of xanax wouldn't fix. After I washed my hair, body, and brushed my teeth, I braided my hair and threw on a pair of shorts and an oversized sweatshirt. The best part of Gale being my fuck buddy is he didn't care what I looked like in my clothes, so I never have to dress up. I grabbed my purse and keys before heading out the door of my little one bedroom apartment towards my car.

In my little piece of shit car I pulled on a pair of sunglasses and lit a cigarette. It wasn't a long drive to Gale's but it wasn't a quick one either, and when my stomach grumbled I pulled out my phone to call him.

"Katniss you on your way?" He sounded annoyed. He was probably already hard and I was making him wait. Good for me.

"Calm your tits Hawthorne. Yes I'm on my way. Do you want food? I'm fucking starving."

"Kat I've got bacon, beer and weed. Seriously. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars." I rolled my eyes, and I could hear the porn he was watching in the background.

"Gale I swear to God I meant it last time when I said no more lesbian porn while we fuck. It's distracting. Be there in 5." I ended the conversation and finished my cigarette, flicking it out of the window. I absentmindedly remembered having a paper due in three days. Shit. Looks like I was going to the library tonight.

My car pulled into Gale's house's driveway and I didn't even knock before I opened the door. One of his douche bag roommates was sitting on the couch and we ignored each other as I walked directly to Gale's room, though I noticed he did turn the volume on the TV up. A lot. I grinned, because now I was going to make sure I was extra loud just to piss the little prick off, and I flung open Gale's door.

He was sitting on his bed watching the TV on his desk, but he turned it off when I walked in, turning his stereo on instead. I rolled my eyes at his choice of music, which was predictably dubstep – but I have to admit the temp matched our fucking. Fast, rough, and loud. I closed the door behind me as Gale took his shirt off and scooted to the edge of the bed. I pulled my sweatshirt off and walked over to him.

"Cato turned the volume up on the TV super loud. I fucking hate that guy." I pulled my hair out of its braid, pulled my pants off and straddled his lap.

"And?" Gale knew what I was trying to say and knew I hated dirty talk, but unless I told him what I wanted I wouldn't get it. So I grabbed his hair and yanked his head away from where he had been kissing my neck, looking him square in the eyes.

"So you should put that huge dick you're so proud of to work and make me scream so loud and come so hard he moves his cunt ass out." He grinned at me and I felt how much harder he got when I talked to him that way. If anyone from high school had just heard what I had said, they probably would have taken me to the hospital to see if I had a brain tumor; to say I've changed since I left my hometown would be a gross understatement. I was brought back to reality by the searing pain coming from my left nipple, and I felt myself get instantly turned on. I groaned and Gale slapped my ass in response. I began to grind my hips into his lap, his athletic shorts still between us.

"Fuck Katniss. You're so wet you're soaking my shorts. Is that what I do to you? How bad do you fucking want my dick?" Gale talks this way only when we're having sober sex. I sued to tune it out because I hate it, but he cut me off for two weeks and it's too difficult to find unattached sex with someone as good in bed as Gale that I pay attention now. I don't hate it any less though.

"You fucking feel how wet I am. Shouldn't be too hard for you to figure out how bad I want it." He growled at me and flipped me off his lap, onto my back on the bed, and he tore his shorts off. Ah there it is, the reason he can say whatever he wants to me. Honestly his dick was perfect – and the cocky asshole knew it. He grabbed my calves and pulled me across the bed towards him. He started rubbing his head against my clit and the rest of my pussy and I moaned. Really really loudly.

"Want to know what I'm going to do to you Katniss?" His eyes were dark, and when he pushed the top of his cock in quickly I almost started to actually whine.

"Tease me until I get pissed off and leave?" I was literally panting at this point, and he slid his entire shaft up and down me as punishment for smarting off.

"No smartass. I'm going to take you from behind, I'm going to slam in you so hard and so fast that you'll think your fucking teeth are going to fall out and then you're going to wrap that smartass mouth around my dick and I'm going to come in your mouth." My eyes rolled back in my head. Something was seriously wrong with how much that turned me on.

"How about instead of talking about it you fucking do it Gale?" I was ready to go and I consider foreplay something that only pussies that like to lay around watching shit like "The Notebook" like to do. Gale took the hint, flipping me over, onto all fours, and my hands gripped the sheets in a vice like grip. Gale slapped my ass so hard I knew it would bruise.

"You want me inside of you?" he growled at me, slapping my ass again and I groaned. "Tell me Katniss."

"Gale I want you inside of me." I moaned as he reached between my legs and ran his fingers over me once, before spreading my legs a little wider.

"Louder. So the whole neighbor hood can hear how bad you crave my cock." I almost sighed. I hate when he does this shit. I need to invest in a gag, but yelling would piss Cato off which is something I really enjoy doing, so I give in.

"Gale please fuck me! I need you inside of me!" I screamed in a high pitch voice, like the porn starts he likes to watch so much, and he didn't hesitate to slam into me any longer. He was holding my hips so tight to keep me upright, and he was slamming into me so hard it almost hurt; which is coincidently how I like it.

"Fuck me faster Gale." I practically snarl it at him, and he followed my request instantly. At this speed and in this position there was a good chance my tits were going to actually be shaken off of my body, but they weren't anything special anyways. I was moaning so loudly I was pretty sure I was going to lose my voice, until it turned from moans into shouts and screams of "Yes!" and "Fuck!". When my orgasm hit, I could feel myself shaking, and when Gale got close to his own he pulled out of me, and flipped me around before pushing my head down to where he wanted my mouth to be. I slide off the bed, my legs spread, and put my mouth around his cock to deep throat him. He thrusts into my mouth and I began to finger myself furiously to get to a second orgasm. He grips my hair hard and I taste him come in my mouth as my body jerks in my own hand. Gale pulls me to stand, and I crawl backwards onto his bed. He joins me, leaning over to his nightstand and lighting a joint. As we pass it and watch Swamp People, I hear Cato say something alone the lines of "fucking finally" and Gale and I dissolve into a fit of laughter.

I wake up an eternity later, naked in Gale's bed. I can feel his arms around me, his breath on my neck. No. I have to get out of here. Spooning is not part of this deal. We fuck. I sleep at home in my bed by myself after we fuck. I start to shrug myself out of Gale's arms, but he tightens them around me, bringing my back flush against his chest, and kissing my neck.

"Go back to sleep baby." He nuzzles me with his nose, and I know he's still asleep but right now the last place I want to be is wrapped in his arms as he calls me baby. I feel like I'm going to puke but I'm stuck, his arms are too heavy, so I give in and fall back asleep, the taste of acid in my mouth.

The last thing I'm aware of as I drift back to sleep is Gale dreamily saying my name, and as I fade to black, terror grips my soul.

When I finally reawake, I am alone. I can hear the shower running and I know Gale is inside washing the smell of my cum off of him before his girlfriend comes to town. I shrug my clothes on and take my "thanks for all the orgasms" gift to Gale out of my purse and toss it on his bed. We have this great system where we fuck, and give each other free doses of whatever we're currently in possession of. He'll be happy when he gets out of the shower and finds his new bag of Klonopin and Xanax. His girlfriend Glimmer is fucking awful, and doesn't "let" him smoke weed or drink, so when he told me she was coming up this weekend I made sure the drugs would be useful. I take a xanax myself and exit his room.

I poke my head into the bathroom as I leave, and Gale throws back the shower curtain because apparently modesty is something he only practices with his born again Christian girlfriend. She's never seen his dick. She's missing out.

"You leaving Catnip?" Gale throws his arms on the shower rod and steam is billowing out of the shower around him. He looks like a fucking male model.

"Yeah, wouldn't want Glimmer to get here and have an actual heart attack." I'm leaning against the doorframe grinning at him. He groans.

"Fuck Glimmer. I hate when she comes to town." I laugh at him. He says this all the time, but for some reason he keeps on dating her. It probably has something to do with her money.

"You just hate that she won't fuck you." Gale flashes a grin that lets me know I'm partially right, and I sling my purse over my shoulder turning to walk away. As I do Gale yells at me from the shower.

"I'll miss you, call you the second she leaves sweetheart!"

The moment he jokingly calls me sweetheart I swear I can feel the bile in my stomach start to rush up to my mouth. Why? He always says that, and I've always known he was kidding, or I thought he was. Until he called me baby and muttered my name in his sleep, until I realized he looks at me differently when we go out, or how lately he hasn't been going home with anyone but me. Instead of responding to him I quickly leave his house and jump into my car.

As I bring a cigarette to my mouth I realize my hands are shaking - no my entire body is. I haven't eaten or drank anything all day, so the only thing on my stomach is whatever is left of last night's booze, a handful of xanax, and semen. I dig around the floor of my car, finding a half empty water bottle that I instantly drain. As I drive, I try to force myself to think of anything other than what I observed with Gale tonight, because if he knows I know, he'll act on his feelings; and I can't handle that. Not now. Not ever really. I don't want to be loved. I want to be fucked. Love breaks you. Not your heart (it breaks that too though), but your soul, your spirit, your fucking goddamned mind. Because when loves goes wrong and you're totally invested, there's absolutely nothing that can fix you after. People will lie and say that that shit mends over time, but that's rank bullshit spewed from the mouths of optimists who have never had anything bad happen to them. The only thing that helps is to dull the pain, however you can. Some people choose reading books or taking care of an absurd number of cats. I chose alcohol, drugs, and meaningless sex. It's easier to shift the focus off a broken heart if you fucking despise yourself, and a lack of sobriety helps that along nicely.

When I pull into my apartment complex, I'm on my third cigarette. I grab my mail on the way up, and ignore a wave from my neighbor Delly Cartwright, who is so used to my mood swings she just giggles at being ignored. If it weren't for the fact that she has carried me up the stairs and helped me into my apartment on more than one occasion, I would never acknowledge her. Usually after a night like that I bring her some weed brownies or something. It's not a friendship really, but it works.

Standing inside at my kitchen counter, I throw my mail on the counter top; and look at the stove clock. 7:37 pm. I really need to go to the library to write that paper, so I go into my room and gather what I'll need. Grabbing a backpack I stuff in my Mac Book and it's charger, a notepad, pens, a pack of gum, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a blanket (because the library gets so cold), a water bottle, my wallet, and some deodorant. I take out my "unofficial" pill case, and pull out my safe from my closet.

When I was first starting to sell my medications in high school as a way to buy things I needed, I learned quickly how lucrative – and dangerous – the "business" could be. When I "expanded" my product base I bought a safe.

I pull out my medication bottles. I roll my eyes at my bottle of Zoloft, and discard it back into the safe. I quit taking it a week ago and I can already feel how clear my head is. My thoughts are unfiltered. It's dangerous, but I feel more like myself at least.

Finding the bottle I'm looking for, I shake some of the 30mg adderall into my hand and snap the top back on the orange pill bottle, closing my safe. I put all but one adderall into the secret pill case (actually an old matchbook box), and pull the 3 remaining xanax from my pocket to toss in as well. I change into sweatpants, a t-shirt, a zip up hooded jacket, thermal socks, and a pair of Adidas sandals. I plug my phone into charge and leave my backpack on my bed, heading back out into my kitchen.

It's 8:00 now, and I promised myself to be at the library by 9:00, when the fat douches leave to go out and the girls doing "frat laps" dutifully follow. If there's anything more pathetic than watching girls fight for the attention of guys like Cato who don't give two fucks about them, I hope I never have to see it. You can smell the desperation in the air – and it smells like home baked goods and hair products, and it wears Lilly and pearls.

I put my adderall on the marble kitchen counter top, and fish an old plastic Olive Garden gift card out of my junk drawer, tossing it next to the pill. I quickly down a glass of water, and eat a leftover piece of grilled chicken, so I have something on my stomach. I place the gift card on top of the pill and use my palm on the plastic to crush and grind it up. After repeating the action a few times, I use the edge of the card to form the orange powder into a straight, thin line. I pull out a dollar from my hoodie picket and tightly roll it to a usable size, sticking one end in my left nostril, and using a finger to close up my right one. I snort the line up, continuing to pick up the little leftover traces of powder before pulling out the money and wiping my nose with the back of my palm. Adderall burns when you snort it, and it tastes awful, but I can't ignore my pre-library tradition.

I clean up the counter, and tuck a cigarette behind my ear before finally going through my mail. As per usual the to-go menus and meal deal offer are intermixed with the occasional bill, but one letter catches my attention, and causes me to pour myself a scotch and water. The letter was addressed to me in my mother's handwriting. I grab the glass and a lighter and walk over to my apartment's balcony. I leave the doors open as I sit on the old chair I had stolen from a part once, putting my feet on the step stool I used as a "table". I lit my cigarette and take a long gulp of my drink, feeling the weight of the letter in my lap.

I haven't spoken to my mom in two years. Well, more than that really, but I haven't acknowledged her existence since I left for school, scholarships funding my way, letting me cut any and all ties to her. She hasn't tried to contact me either. I take another gulp of my drink, effectively draining it, and toss the glass inside. Picking up the letter I stare intently at it as I smoke, as if I'm waiting for it to just tell me what it says. I flick my butt over the balcony – because I know how much it pisses off the maintenance guys – and decide to not open the letter. She waited to years to say whatever is in that envelope; I can wait a few more days to read it.

Shrugging on my backpack and turning out my lights I trudge out my door and into my car to head towards the library, the letter obsessively rolling around my mind. It was going to be a long night.

So that's the first chapter of this AU. Review or PM if you want a preview of the next chapter. Quickly, yes, unfortunately "frat laps" are a real thing. Also, next chapter we meet Peeta, get a little more back story on exactly why Katniss is so fucked up, and get to meet Madge. There are also a few more surprises in the next chapter.

Don't worry, Katniss will heal eventually, but it will take time. I will be alternating between my AU's. This one has more probability of being taken down, so go to my tumblr if that happens or I should have a link to the page I set up on an alternative site in the next chapter.