Diclaimer: Uh-huh, yeah, look back at the other stuff.




Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)


Lepidus-K. Rool (seriously, don't ask)








Claudio-Black Kremling (referred to in name as Midnight)

Varrus-Gray Kremling (referred to in name as Stone)


Act IV, Scene III


Diddy and Wrinkly remain now supposedly in their tent.

Wrinkly: That you have wronged me doth appear in this:

You have condemned and noted Rambi

For taking bribes here of the Sardians,

Wherein my letters, praying on his side

Because I knew the man, were slighted off.

Diddy: You wronged yourself to write in such a case.

Wrinkly: In such a time as this it is not meet

That every nice offense should bear his comment.

Diddy: Let me tell you, Wrinkly, you yourself

Are much condemned to have an itching palm,

To sell and mart your offices for gold

To undeservers.

Wrinkly: I "an itching palm"!

You know that you are Diddy that speak this,

Or, by the gods, this speech were else your last.

Diddy: The name of Ryn honors this corruption,

And chastisement doth therefore hide his head.

Wrinkly: Chastisement!

Diddy: Remember March, the Ides of March remember.

Did not great Donkey bleed for justice' sake?

What villain touched his body, that did stab,

And not for justice? What, shall one of us

That struck the foremost man of all this world

But for supporting robbers, shall we now

Contaminate our fingers with base bribes,

And sell the mighty space of our large honors

For so much trash as may be graspèd thus?

I had rather be a dog and bay the moon

Than such a Roman.

Wrinkly: Diddy, bait not me.

I'll not endure it. You forget yourself

To hedge me in. I am a soldier, I,

Older in practice, abler than yourself

To make conditions.

Diddy: Go to. You are not, Wrinkly.

Wrinkly: I am.

Diddy: I say you are not.

Wrinkly: Urge me no more, I shall forget myself.

Have mind upon your health, tempt me no further.

Diddy: Away, slight man!

Wrinkly: Is 't possible?

Diddy: Hear me, for I will speak.

Must I give way and room to your rash choler?

Shall I be frighted when a madman stares?

Wrinkly: O ye gods, ye gods, must I endure all this?

Diddy: "All this"?

Diddy flips his desk in anger.

Diddy: Ay, more! Fret till your proud heart break.

Go show your slaves how choleric you are

And make your bondmen tremble. Must I budge?

Must I observe you? Must I stand and crouch

Under your testy humor? By the gods,

You shall digest the venom of your spleen,

Though it do split you. For from this day forth,

I'll use you for my mirth, yea, for my laughter,

When you are waspish.

Wrinkly: (looking about to break) Is it come to this?

Diddy: You say you are a better soldier.

Let it appear so. Make your vaunting true,

And it shall please me well. For mine own part,

I shall be glad to learn of noble men.

Wrinkly: (tearing up) You wrong me every way. You wrong me, Diddy.

I said an elder soldier, not a better.

Did I say "better"?

Diddy: (fixing his desk back) If you did, I care not.

Wrinkly: When DK lived, he durst not thus have moved me.

Diddy: (glowers) Peace, peace! You durst not so have tempted him.

Wrinkly: I durst not!

Diddy: No.

Wrinkly: What, durst not tempt him?

Diddy: For your life you durst not.

Wrinkly: Do not presume too much upon my love.

I may do that I shall be sorry for.

Diddy: You have done that you should be sorry for.

There is no terror, Wrinkly, in your threats,

For I am armed so strong in honesty

That they pass by me as the idle wind,

Which I respect not. I did send to you

For certain sums of gold, which you denied me,

For I can raise no money by vile means.

By heaven, I had rather coin my heart

And drop my blood for drachmas than to wring

From the hard hands of peasants their vile trash

By any indirection. I did send

To you for gold to pay my legions,

Which you denied me. Was that done like Wrinkly?

Should I have answered Caia Ryn so?

When Diddymus Prosculus grows so covetous

To lock such rascal counters from his friends,

Be ready, gods, with all your thunderbolts.

Dash him to pieces!

Wrinkly: (tears falling) I denied you not.

Diddy: You did.

Wrinkly picks up a stool and begins to throw it at him.

Wrinkly: I did not!

She calms down, placing the stool down and sitting on it.

Wrinkly: He was but a fool that brought

My answer back. Diddy hath rived my heart.

A friend should bear his friend's infirmities,

But Diddy makes mine greater than they are.

Diddy: (taking a seat behind his desk) I do not, till you practice them on me.

Wrinkly: You love me not.

Diddy: I do not like your faults.

Wrinkly: A friendly eye could never see such faults.

Diddy: A flatterer's would not, though they do appear

As huge as high Olympus.

Wrinkly stands and bolts out of the tent, Diddy following.

Wrinkly: (screaming) Come, Funky, and young Swanky, come,

Revenge yourselves alone on Ryn

For Ryn is aweary of the world—

Diddy and Wrinkly re-enter the tent, the former draggin the latter.

Wrinkly: (normal level) Hated by one she loves; braved by her brother;

Checked like a bondman, all her faults observed,

Set in a notebook, learned, and conned by rote

To cast into my teeth. Oh, I could weep

My spirit from mine eyes.

(offers Diddy her bared dagger) There is my dagger.

And here my naked breast. Within, a heart

Dearer than Plutus' mine, richer than gold.

If that thou beest a Roman, take it forth.

I, that denied thee gold, will give my heart.

Diddy makes no move.

Wrinkly: (screaming again) Strike, as thou didst at DK! For I know

When thou didst hate him worst, thou lovedst him better

Than ever thou lovedst Wrinkly.

Diddy hands Wrinkly the dagger and she takes it.

Diddy: Sheathe your dagger.

Be angry when you will, it shall have scope.

Do what you will, dishonor shall be humor.

O Wrinkly, you are yokèd with a lamb

That carries anger as the flint bears fire,

Who, much enforcèd, shows a hasty spark

And straight is cold again.

Wrinkly: Hath Wrinkly lived

To be but mirth and laughter to her Prosculus,

When grief and blood ill-tempered vexeth him?

Diddy: When I spoke that, I was ill-tempered too.

Wrinkly: Do you confess so much? Give me your hand.

Diddy: And my heart too.

Wrinkly and Diddy shake hands.

Wrinkly: O Diddy!

Diddy: What's the matter?

Wrinkly: Have not you love enough to bear with me,

When that rash humor which my mother gave me

Makes me forgetful?

Diddy: Yes, Wrinkly. And from henceforth

When you are over-earnest with your Prosculus.

He'll think your mother chides and leave you so.

The two hear shouting and look to the door.

Poet: (offstage) Let me go in to see the generals.

There is some grudge between 'em. 'Tis not meet

They be alone.

Kritter: (offstage) You shall not come to them.

Poet: (offstage) Nothing but death shall stay me.

A poet, followed by Kritter and Cranky, enters.

Wrinkly: How now? What's the matter?

Poet: For shame, you generals! What do you mean?

Love, and be friends as two such men should be.

For I have seen more years, I'm sure, than ye.

Wrinkly: Ha, ha, how vilely doth this cynic rhyme!

Diddy: (to poet) Get you hence, sirrah. Saucy fellow, hence!

Wrinkly: Bear with him, Diddy. 'Tis his fashion.

Diddy: I'll know his humor when he knows his time.

What should the wars do with these jigging fools?

—Companion, hence!

Wrinkly: Away, away, be gone.

The poet exits.

Diddy: Kritter and Cranky, bid the commanders

Prepare to lodge their companies tonight.

Wrinkly: And come yourselves, and bring Tinywith you,

Immediately to us.

Kritter and Cranky exit.

Diddy: (calls off) Kiddy, a bowl of wine!

Wrinkly: I did not think you could have been so angry.

Diddy: O Wrinkly, I am sick of many griefs.

Wrinkly: Of your philosophy you make no use

If you give place to accidental evils.

Diddy: No man bears sorrow better. Dixie is dead.

Wrinkly: Ha, Dixie?

Diddy: She is dead.

Wrinkly: How 'scaped I killing when I crossed you so?

O insupportable and touching loss!

Upon what sickness?

Diddy: Impatient of my absence,

And grief that young Swanky with Funky

Have made themselves so strong—for with her death

That tidings came—with this she fell distract

And, her attendants absent, swallowed fire.

Wrinkly: And died so?

Diddy: Even so.

Wrinkly: O ye immortal gods!

Kiddy enters with wine and candles.

Diddy: Speak no more of her.—Give me a bowl of wine.—

In this I bury all unkindness, Wrinkly.


Wrinkly: My heart is thirsty for that noble pledge.

Fill, Kiddy, till the wine o'erswell the cup.

I cannot drink too much of Diddy's love.


Kiddy exits as Cranky and Tiny enter.

Diddy: Come in, Cranky.—Welcome, good Tiny!

Now sit we close about this taper here

And call in question our necessities.

Wrinkly: Dixie, art thou gone?

Diddy: No more, I pray you.

—Tiny, I have here receivèd letters

That young Swanky and Funky

Come down upon us with a mighty power,

Bending their expedition toward Philippi.

Tiny: Myself have letters of the selfsame tenor.

Diddy: With what addition?

Tiny: That by proscription and bills of outlawry,

Swanky, Funky, and K. Rool

Have put to death an hundred senators.

Diddy: Therein our letters do not well agree.

Mine speak of seventy senators that died

By their proscriptions, Gnaus being one.

Wrinkly: Gnaeus one?

Tiny: Gnaeus is dead,

And by that order of proscription.

(to Diddy) Had you your letters from your wife, my lord?

Diddy: No, Tiny.

Tiny: Nor nothing in your letters writ of her?

Diddy: Nothing, Tiny.

Tiny: That methinks is strange.

Diddy: Why ask you? Hear you aught of her in yours?

Tiny: No, my lord.

Diddy: Now, as you are a Roman, tell me true.

Tiny: Then like a Roman bear the truth I tell.

For certain she is dead, and by strange manner.

Diddy: Why, farewell, Dixie. We must die, Tiny.

With meditating that she must die once,

I have the patience to endure it now.

Tiny: Even so great men great losses should endure.

Wrinkly: I have as much of this in art as you,

But yet my nature could not bear it so.

Diddy: Well, to our work alive. What do you think

Of marching to Philippi presently?

Wrinkly: I do not think it good.

Diddy: Your reason?

Wrinkly: This it is:

'Tis better that the enemy seek us.

So shall he waste his means, weary his soldiers,

Doing himself offense, whilst we, lying still,

Are full of rest, defense, and nimbleness.

Diddy: Good reasons must of force give place to better.

The people 'twixt Philippi and this ground

Do stand but in a forced affection,

For they have grudged us contribution.

The enemy, marching along by them,

By them shall make a fuller number up,

Come on refreshed, new-added, and encouraged,

From which advantage shall we cut him off

If at Philippi we do face him there,

These people at our back.

Wrinkly: Hear me, good brother—

Diddy: Under your pardon. You must note beside,

That we have tried the utmost of our friends,

Our legions are brim-full, our cause is ripe.

The enemy increaseth every day.

We, at the height, are ready to decline.

There is a tide in the affairs of men,

Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;

Omitted, all the voyage of their life

Is bound in shallows and in miseries.

On such a full sea are we now afloat,

And we must take the current when it serves

Or lose our ventures.

Wrinkly: Then, with your will, go on.

We'll along ourselves, and meet them at Philippi.

Diddy: The deep of night is crept upon our talk,

And nature must obey necessity,

Which we will niggard with a little rest.

There is no more to say?

Wrinkly: No more. Good night.

Early tomorrow will we rise and hence.

Diddy: Kiddy!

Kiddy enters.

Diddy: My gown.

Kiddy exits.

Diddy: Farewell, good Tiny—

Good night, Cranky.—Noble, noble Wrinkly,

Good night and good repose.

Wrinkly: O my dear brother,

This was an ill beginning of the night.

Never come such division 'tween our souls.

Let it not, Diddy.

Kiddy enters with the nightgown.

Diddy: Everything is well.

Wrinkly: Good night, my lord.

Diddy: Good night, good brother.

Cranky, Tiny: Good night, Lord Diddy.

Diddy: Farewell, everyone.

Wrinkly, Cranky, and Tiny exit.

Diddy: Give me the gown. Where is thy instrument?

Kiddy: Here in the tent.

Diddy: What, thou speak'st drowsily?

Poor knave, I blame thee not. Thou art o'erwatched.

Call Midnight and some other of my men.

I'll have them sleep on cushions in my tent.

Kiddy: Stone and Midnight!

Grey Kremling and Black Kremling enter.

Grey Kremling: Calls my lord?

Diddy: I pray you, sirs, lie in my tent and sleep.

It may be I shall raise you by and by

On business to my brother Wrinkly.

GK: So please you, we will stand and watch your pleasure.

Diddy: I will not have it so. Lie down, good sirs.

It may be I shall otherwise bethink me.

—Look, Kiddy here's the book I sought for so.

I put it in the pocket of my gown.

Grey Kremling and Black Kremling lie down.

Kiddy: I was sure your lordship did not give it me.

Diddy: Bear with me, good boy, I am much forgetful.

Canst thou hold up thy heavy eyes awhile,

And touch thy instrument a strain or two?

Kiddy: Ay, my lord, an 't please you.

Diddy: It does, my boy.

I trouble thee too much, but thou art willing.

Kiddy: It is my duty, sir.

Diddy: I should not urge thy duty past thy might.

I know young bloods look for a time of rest.

Kiddy: I have slept, my lord, already.

Diddy: It was well done, and thou shalt sleep again.

I will not hold thee long. If I do live,

I will be good to thee.

Kiddy plays music then falls asleep.

Diddy: This is a sleepy tune. O murderous slumber,

Layst thou thy leaden mace upon my boy

That plays thee music?—Gentle knave, good night.

I will not do thee so much wrong to wake thee.

If thou dost nod, thou break'st thy instrument.

I'll take it from thee. And, good boy, good night.

—Let me see, let me see. Is not the leaf turned down

Where I left reading? Here it is, I think.

DK's ghost enters.

Diddy: How ill this taper burns!—Ha, who comes here?

I think it is the weakness of mine eyes

That shapes this monstrous apparition.

It comes upon me.—Art thou any thing?

Art thou some god, some angel, or some devil

That makest my blood cold and my hair to stare?

Speak to me what thou art.

Ghost: Thy evil spirit, Diddy.

Diddy: Why comest thou?

Ghost: To tell thee thou shalt see me at Philippi.

Diddy: Well, then I shall see thee again?

Ghost: Ay, at Philippi.

Diddy: Why, I will see thee at Philippi, then.

The ghost exits.

Diddy: Now I have taken heart thou vanishest.

Ill spirit, I would hold more talk with thee.

—Boy, Kiddy!—Stone!—Midnight!—Sirs, awake!


Kiddy: The strings, my lord, are false.

Diddy: He thinks he still is at his instrument.

Kiddy, awake.

Kiddy: My lord?

Diddy: Didst thou dream, Kiddy, that thou so criedst out?

Kiddy: My lord, I do not know that I did cry.

Diddy: Yes, that thou didst. Didst thou see any thing?

Kiddy: Nothing, my lord.

Diddy: Sleep again,Kiddy.—Sirrah Midnight!

(to Stone)

Fellow thou, awake!

GK: My lord?

Black Kremling: My lord?

Diddy: Why did you so cry out, sirs, in your sleep?

GK, BK: Did we, my lord?

Diddy: Ay. Saw you anything?

GK: No, my lord, I saw nothing.

BK: Nor I, my lord.

Diddy: Go and commend me to my brother Wrinkly.

Bid him set on his powers betimes before,

And we will follow.

GK, BK: It shall be done, my lord.

They exit in different directions.