Disclaimer: Thank god this is the last act.

Brutus-Diddy

Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)

Antony-Funky

Cassius-Wrinkly

Lucius-Kiddy

Titinius-Cranky

Messala-Tiny

Lucillius-Kritter

Pindarus-Squwaks

Claudio-Black Kremling (referred to in name as Midnight)

Dardanius-Blue Kremling (referred to in name as Ocean)

Clitus-Brown Kremling (referred to in name as Dirt)

Voluminus-White Kremling (referred to in name as Cloud)

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Act V, Scene I

XxXxXxXxX

Enter Swanky, Funky, and their army.

Swanky: Now, Funky, our hopes are answerèd.

You said the enemy would not come down

But keep the hills and upper regions.

It proves not so. Their battles are at hand.

They mean to warn us at Philippi here,

Answering before we do demand of them.

Funky: Tut, I am in their bosoms, and I know

Wherefore they do it. They could be content

To visit other places, and come down

With fearful bravery, thinking by this face

To fasten in our thoughts that they have courage.

But 'tis not so.

Enter a messenger.

Messenger: Prepare you, generals.

The enemy comes on in gallant show.

Their bloody sign of battle is hung out,

And something to be done immediately.

Funky: Swanky, lead your battle softly on,

Upon the left hand of the even field.

Swanky: Upon the right hand I. Keep thou the left.

Funky: Why do you cross me in this exigent?

Swanky: I do not cross you. But I will do so.

The sound of soldiers marching, and a drum. Diddy and Wrinkly enter with their army, which includes Kritter, Tiny, and Cranky.

Diddy: They stand and would have parley.

Wrinkly: Stand fast, Cranky. We must out and talk.

Swanky: Funky, shall we give sign of battle?

Funky: No, Kong, we will answer on their charge.

Make forth. The generals would have some words.

Swanky: (to his army) Stir not until the signal.

Diddy: Words before blows. Is it so, countrymen?

Swanky: Not that we love words better, as you do.

Diddy: Good words are better than bad strokes, Swanky.

Funky: In your bad strokes, Diddy, you give good words.

Witness the hole you made in DK's heart,

Crying "Long live, hail, DK!"

Wrinkly: Funky,

The posture of your blows are yet unknown.

But for your words, they rob the Hybla bees

And leave them honeyless.

Funky: Not stingless too?

Diddy: Oh, yes, and soundless too.

For you have stol'n their buzzing, Funky,

And very wisely threat before you sting.

Funky: Villains, you did not so when your vile daggers

Hacked one another in the sides of DK.

You showed your teeth like apes, and fawned like hounds,

And bowed like bondmen, kissing DK's feet,

Whilst damnèd Lanky, like a cur, behind

Struck DK on the neck. O you flatterers!

Wrinkly: Flatterers?—Now, Diddy, thank yourself.

This tongue had not offended so today

If I might have ruled.

Swanky: Come, come, the cause. If arguing make us sweat,

The proof of it will turn to redder drops.

(draws his sword) Look, I draw a sword against conspirators.

When think you that the sword goes up again?

Never, till DK's three and thirty wounds

Be well avenged, or till another Kong's

Have added slaughter to the sword of traitors.

Diddy: Kong, thou canst not die by traitors' hands

Unless thou bring'st them with thee.

Swanky: So I hope.

I was not born to die on Diddy's sword.

Diddy: O, if thou wert the noblest of thy strain,

Young man, thou couldst not die more honorable.

Wrinkly: A peevish schoolboy, worthless of such honor,

Joined with a masker and a reveler!

Funky: Old Wrinkly still.

Swanky: Come, Funky, away.—

Defiance, traitors, hurl we in your teeth.

If you dare fight today, come to the field.

If not, when you have stomachs.

Swanky, Funky, and their army exit.

Wrinkly: Why, now, blow wind, swell billow, and swim bark!

The storm is up and all is on the hazard.

Diddy: Ho, Kritter, hark, a word with you.

Kritter: (stands forth) My lord?

Diddy and Kritter converse to the side.

Wrinkly: Tiny!

Tiny: (stands forth) What says my general?

Wrinkly: Tiny,

This is my birthday, as this very day

Was Caia born. Give me thy hand, Tiny.

Be thou my witness that against my will,

As Pompey was, am I compelled to set

Upon one battle all our liberties.

You know that I held Epicurus strong

And his opinion. Now I change my mind,

And partly credit things that do presage.

Coming from Sardis, on our former ensign

Two mighty eagles fell, and there they perched,

Gorging and feeding from our soldiers' hands,

Who to Philippi here consorted us.

This morning are they fled away and gone,

And in their steads do ravens, crows, and kites

Fly o'er our heads and downward look on us

As we were sickly prey. Their shadows seem

A canopy most fatal, under which

Our army lies, ready to give up the ghost.

Tiny: Believe not so.

Wrinkly: I but believe it partly,

For I am fresh of spirit and resolved

To meet all perils very constantly.

Diddy: (returning with Kritter) Even so, Kritter.

Wrinkly: Now, most noble Diddy,

The gods today stand friendly that we may,

Lovers in peace, lead on our days to age.

But since the affairs of men rest still incertain,

Let's reason with the worst that may befall.

If we do lose this battle, then is this

The very last time we shall speak together.

What are you then determinèd to do?

Diddy: Even by the rule of that philosophy

By which I did blame Cato for the death

Which he did give himself (I know not how,

But I do find it cowardly and vile,

For fear of what might fall, so to prevent

The time of life), arming myself with patience

To stay the providence of some high powers

That govern us below.

Wrinkly: Then if we lose this battle

You are contented to be led in triumph

Thorough the streets of Rome?

Diddy: No, Wrinkly, no. Think not, thou noble Roman,

That ever Diddy will go bound to Rome.

He bears too great a mind. But this same day

Must end that work the Ides of March begun.

And whether we shall meet again I know not.

Therefore our everlasting farewell take.

Forever and forever farewell, Wrinkly.

If we do meet again, why, we shall smile.

If not, why then this parting was well made.

Wrinkly: Forever and forever farewell, Diddy.

If we do meet again, we'll smile indeed.

If not, 'tis true this parting was well made.

Diddy: Why then, lead on. Oh, that a man might know

The end of this day's business ere it come!

But it sufficeth that the day will end,

And then the end is known.—Come, ho! Away!

Everyone exits.