Harriet Potter and the Chamber of Laundry

Forenote by Moony:

Yes, Harriet Potter returns with this action-packed sequel, which is really just an attempt to make up for the lack-luster "Harriet Potter and the Presidential Bananas". It was Prongs' fault. I swear. Besides, Miss Prongs and myself (Miss Moony, duh) are dressed up in the Hogwarts school uniforms we purchased today (we had to mix and match second-hand clothing from the thrift stores) and we went out to the woods and cut ourselves some wands, and walked down to the store in said uniforms while waving our wands and shouting "stupefy!" at the random person, talking about Muggles and Quidditch. . . and we bought candy. So this story should be better, whereas Presidential Bananas was written in the middle of the afternoon without any sugar or caffeine influence.

Thank you for your patience.

We now bring you. . .

Harriet Potter and the Chamber of Laundry

Really, this time. We swear.


Harriet Potter awoke one not-so-fine morning to the sound of her Aunt Phosphorus's not-so-fine voice. Her cousin burst into the room, glaring at her angrily.

"Yo, bitchums." Said Hermit, "Get outta bed."

Harriet groaned. Hermit had regained most of his courage after discovering that she wasn't allowed to cast spells during the summer months.

"You know, Hermit, I have FRIENDS who can cast magic during the summer--"

The effect of the words was enough to send him running out of the room.

"Mom, Harriet said that WORD again."


She rubbed her arm where her aunt had grabbed her to throw her out of the car, tossing her trunk and cat kennel out with her. Standing, she stuck her tongue out at the old car as it drove out of sight. Then, gaining more courage, flipped it off.

"Buggers." She muttered, loading her trunk and kennel onto a cart and heading towards platform 9 ¾. "I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts where I can relax and have fun."

Magic Michael: She, of course, shouldn't have said that, as that is going to lead to common theatrical irony where her school year is far from fun and, alas, even further from relaxing. Harriet is unwittingly heading towards a year of torture and, possibly, her own demise—

"Must you ALWAYS do that?!" Harriet shouted up at Magic Michael, who's arm was in a sling. He glanced down at her.

Magic Michael: No, Harriet. Alas, you cannot see me. I am the narrator.

"Oh. My apologies. Keep up the good work." She muttered, continuing to push her cart along.

Magic Michael: Right, now, where was I. . . Alas! I've forgotten!


Harriet pushed her cart through Platypus 9 and ended up in Platypus 5238590348.

"WTF? This isn't right!" she squealed. Looking around frantically, she noticed a bright purple and pink train marked "Hufflepuff Academy"

A girl with long, curly blonde hair stepped on to the train. Sienna, not quite sure what to do, jumped on the train just as it was leaving.

The car was occupied with giggly girls and pudgy guys talking about frivolous things. "And so I wanted to dye my hair our house colors . . ." muttered one girl, who quieted and stated whispering to the girls around her.

"Who's that?" asked one of them, a platinum blonde.

The Aforementioned Blonde with long curly hair stepped forward.

"Look at her badge!" she squealed. They all turned to stare at Harriet's coat.

"Gryffindor!" they whispered.

"Excuse me, but how did you get on this train? You're not welcome here . . ." they said.


Harriet woke with a start. "Where . . .?" she muttered slowly as she looked up, rubbing her eyes. She felt something soft. Pressing down on it, it squirmed and . . . talked?

"Hullo, Harriet, nice to see you're awake!" said Ron, her boyfriend.

"Oh, Hello Ron . . . you mean, this is the Hogwarts Express? I'm not headed to Hufflepuff Academy?" she asked, confused.

"No, what are you going on about?" Said Ron, and they were suddenly aware of a strange smacking sound coming from behind them.

They peered over the seat, and . . . .

"Marlo! George! For god's sake! Please, don't make out on the train!" whined Ron, and Harriet looked away in disgust. Marlo Shackleford was a Ravenclaw who George had obviously met during the summer.

Harriet looked around the small car where they were. Kara Darkblood, her Slytherin friend, was sprawled out on a seat, her books and candy wrappers everywhere.

The train suddenly stopped.

Kara jolted awake. "I AM The Artful Dodger!" she shouted, and then realized where she was. The train started again.

"What was that?" asked George.

"Oh, just a convenient way for Kara to make sure she gets to wake up yelling random quotes." Said Marlo, and they all seemed quite satisfied with that explanation. As Kara turned to look out of the window, the couples began snogging once again, but were rudely interrupted by the approach of a very familiar blonde . . .



Since Harriet HATES public affection, she obviously wasn't doing any of the "snogging", and noticed the familiar blond immediately.

"Clara!" she gasped, grasping the attention of Kara, Marlo, George and Ron. Kara had fallen asleep again, and awoke shouting "I AM a guy!" Her companions ignored her outburst and turned their attention towards the young Hufflepuff.

"Weren't you expelled for being naughty?" said the random person, because no one present would be likely to say "Weren't you expelled for being naughty." It's just out of character, you see.

Clara grinned. "I'm not going to Hogwarts." She said simply, and continued making her way down the aisle, heading into the next cab, and leaving her past comrades clueless in her midst.


"Clara, I'm not sure I should be working with you. I got in big trouble last time." Whimsical Warren said nervously, trying to pick apart the yummy-looking Bertie Botts Beans from the nasty-looking ones.

"Well, aren't you being a big baby, Warren! You want Harriet to like you, right?! Well, she needs to RESPECT you, first!" she huffed in frustration, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she sat down with a group of Hufflepuffs.

"I suppose that might work. . ." Warren's voice was uneasy, and he popped a white bean into his mouth, which turned out to be paper-flavoured.

"Of course it will. Now, if she's going to respect you, she wants you to be a pioneer. Right, Whimsy?" she asked, daintly placing her hand on Warren's leg. He didn't notice, and gagged.

"What's wrong, cat got yer tongue?" her voice took a sharp edge to it when he didn't answer her. Finally, he said "Paper-cut." And reached his index finger into his mouth to rub his tongue.

"Pch, whatever, Whimsy. Just stick with me, and this time, we WILL conquer all."

Suddenly, Magic Michael came into the train, sling and all.

"Alas!" he sang, "I need a new sling, I need a new sling, because my old one is ripped – and – STINKY!!!!!!!"

"Master," Warren called, "What are you doing here? I thought you were the narrator."

"I am, dear boy, but I'm also a Hufflepuff, so I have a duty to be here."

"Of course, Master! Forgive my insolence!"

"Alas, I am forced to forgive it everyday. Now, Maid Clara, what are we doing?"


The Chapter in which Kara is much frustrated because Harriet keeps putting a "P" in the little brackets when it should be a K and Ron gets all freaky on us.


"What the hell was that all about?" asked Harriet, sighing.

"Are we making Clara evil again?" asked Random Person #138-123413278438740 A.

"I AM THE ARTFUL DODGER!" Kara yelled in her sleep.

"What is going on?" asked Marlo, finally stopping the wonderful display of public affection.

"Aww, Marlo!" whined George.

"Yes!" exclaimed Ron. Everyone's heads turned to look at him.

"I finally got the 'InsertNameHereMon' card!!" he said, nearly jumping out of his seat.

Kara starts singing, in her sleep –


Digital Monsters"

And she is promptly poked.

Kara stops singing, only to begin a while later.

"Consider yourself,

At home!"

Suddenly, the Lady with the Snacks (who will be hitherto referred to as the LWTS) comes in, singing "Consider Yourself"

"Consider yourself,

One of the Family"

Harriet decides to join, as a group of older Gryffindors enter the car and begin singing as well.

"We've taken to you!"

The whole car is singing the Production Number, and as we look outside, there are people doing tricks on their brooms.

"So strong!"

Kara gets up, wearing a top hat, and begins signing.

"It's clear, we're going to get along,

If it should chance to be,

We should see some 'arder days,

'Empty larder days, why graouse?

Alw'ys a chance we'll met sombody

A foot the bill,

Then the drinks are on the haouce,

Consider yourself,

Our mate,

We don't wanna have,

No fuss,

For a'ter some consideration

We can state,"

The whole train, even the conductors and the Slytherin car, has joined in on the production for the final notes.

"Consider yourself,


As the song finishes, everything returns to normal.

"Well, that was different," said Harriet, turning back to her Ron.

Chapter 97 A, named after a pizza place in Oliver that makes really good pizza, and also a chapter in which Harriet will write, and we meet our rivals.

(M for MOONY)

Time for Part 2 of Harriet Potter and the Chamber of Laundry. . .the MUSICAL!

"We have rivals?" Ron asked, then made one of those loud, blondesque "oooooohhh!!!"s as Draco and party entered the train.

Kara had finally managed to stay awake, so that she could stop talking in her sleep about the Artful Dodger. Whenever she tried to talk about it while awake, Harriet would hit her over the head and tell her "Stop worrying about it! Your cockney accent is very l33t, and you'll definitely get the role in Musical Theater." Draco stepped towards her and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Kara, really, must you ALWAYS surround yourself with weasels and other such rodents?" he asked, running a hand over his slicked-back blonde hair. Kara flipped through her book in boredom, not even bothering to look at Draco when she answered him.

"I'm busy. Go away."

Draco did not know what to say to a fellow Slytherin. Especially not one he wanted to get in the sack, since Hermione had tried to castrate him, and she wasn't even presently in that cab. . . so he went away.

"Wait, that's not fair!" Harriet shouted, jumping up. "I'M the hero of this god damn story, so how come *I* don't get a musical number?!"

"Well, really," Marlo began, wisely, "Kara performing 'Consider Yourself' was just her way of venting her anxiety about the 'Oliver!' auditions coming up. 'Consider Yourself' really has nothing to do with the current storyli--"

"A kiss on the hand may be quite continental!" Harriet sang, suddenly standing on a platform, wearing many, many feathers and a burlesque-type dress.

"Now, wait a minute!" Marlo tried to interrupt, but was pushed aside as Kara and Hermione jumped in front of her in equally feathered outfits.

"But diamonds are a girl's best friend!" their voices rang out.

"A kiss may be grand, but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat, or help you feed your helpless cat!" Harriet said, pushing Ron away as he tried to place a kiss on her palm.

"Men grow cold," She held up a picture of Severus Snape.

"As girls grow old," Accompanied by a picture of Minerva McGonagall.

"But we all lose our charms in the--" she stopped, suddenly, and everyone looked up at her in confusion.

"Aw, screw it." She said, stepping down from the platform, "I'm too lazy for spontaneous song and dance. I'm going to change into me robes, mate." And she walked off.

(P for PRONGS)

The chapter in which Kara finally realizes what the "P" was for and meets Draco again. Well, no actually, I lied, we introduce more musical numbers inspired by this strange music Moony is playing right now.

Ron is looking out of the window, completely confused as to what is going on. Right now, he just wants to sleep and be peaceful . . . .

"Where is love?

Does it come from skies abooovvvveeee…..?"

At this point, Kara comes in and thoroughly pokes Ron, who promptly shuts up. We camera in on Whimsical Warren, and the Hufflepuffs, who are sitting around, listening to a very Fagin-ish Clara sing.

"In this life,

One thing counts!

In the bank,

Large amounts!

I'm afraid these

Don't grow on trees!

You've got to pick a pocket or two, dears,

You've GOT to pick a pocket or two.

Dear old Professor,

Passing by,

Something wrong,

Takes his eye

Everything's clear,

I'll check the rear,

Get in and pick a pocket or twooo!!!!!!"

The camera now flashes in on Marlo, who is handing out mugs of butter beer and wearing a very Nancy-ish costume.

"There's a little ditty, they're singing in the City,

Especially when they've been on the butterbeer.

And it goes Oomp-Pah-Pah!"

Harriet suddenly stands up.

"What are we doing?" they all look at her.

"What do you mean?" asks Ron.

"I mean, we could be doing much better things than breaking out into random song!" she said.

Ron lit up. "You mean, like, snogging?"

Harriet frowned. "No, like beating up Draco!"

They all agree and run off, leaving Kara and her top hat.

"Once a villain you're a villain 'till the end!"

She dashes off after them.

M is for Moony, P is for Patty and Patty rhymes with Stupid!!


"Hmmmm," Harriet thought after giving Draco a black eye, "Methinks Kara is a touch mad at Patty."

Finally, after what seemed like forever, they arrived at Hogwarts!

"Hogwarts!" Harriet cried gleefully. Finally, she was back at the wonderful school. . . back to her wonderful lessons. . . back to her wonderful teachers. . .

"Back again, I see, Ms. Potter. Managed to complete another year without getting expelled? Well, I'm sure it was the last." A greasy voice said, and the young students turned to see their favourite teacher of all, Severus Snape!

"Grease boy!" Harriet laughed, "I even missed you! It's so GREAT to be back!" she ran off in the opposite direction, leaving Kara to calm down the snarling potions master.

And now, what you've all been waiting for. . . the HOGWARTS song!

Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Hoggy, Warty, Hogwarts!

Teach us something please!

Whether we be old and bald,

Or young with scabby knees,

Our heads could do with filling

With some interesting stuff

For now they're bare,

All full of air,

Dead flies and bits of fluff!

So teach us things worth knowing,

Bring back what we forgot!

Just do your best,

We'll do the rest

And learn until our brains all rot!

(And that is all Moony has to say. She's too distracted with her copy of "Weekly World News" and doesn't want to write right now. She just wanted to write down the Hogwarts song which she'd been singing all day, along with 'Consider Yourself'.)


And now time for a public service announcement.

F34R M3 and my Pseudo L337

Now back to your regular programming.

Harriet ran up to the dormatory – dormitory – dormiraira – dormitaroyry – however you spell it!! God damn it!!!

Ok, so Prongs doesn't know how to spell so Harriet can't go there.

So she has to go downstairs to where Magic Micheal is conspiricising against his evil leader, Clara.

But that is boring, so we shall move on to other things.

Like Whimsical Warren's first encounter with Draco.

Draco Malfoy walked down the hallway, looking wonderfully attractive like us Slytherins tend to be, and ran into Whimsical Warren.

"What are you doing, you stupid hufflepuff?" he sneered.

"My leprauchaun!" said Warren, suddenly lunging at Draco.

"Get off me!!" yelled Draco.

"No! I have to fight you!" screamed Warren.

Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were sneaking into the Girls' Dorms to try and watch Millicent Bullstrode change.


Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Harriet is in the Great Hall, where Dumbleydor was singing to himself,

"Because we are living in a material world,

And I am a material girl!!!!"

Meanwhille Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Johan was making his way to the Slytherin commons room.

Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile Meanwhile, Gred and Forge were trying to steal some Official Professor's Loo Roll. (Translation: Toilet Paper)

SO that leaves lots of plot openings for Miss Mooney.

Excuse me, I must attend to my Bat Boy.


Yes, well, we have all these lovely plot openings, so I suppose I shall deal with them in order of importance.

I think we can all agree which one is the most important.

"George!" Fred whispered, "Hurry up with the Loo Roll! We need to drap it around Snape's classroom before he gets back!"

"It's not easy! You try standing up on this enchanted stool!" Gorge hissed. Fed cussed at the stool, and one of its legs reached out and kicked Forge, causing Gred to lose his balance and fall off. Ged bumped his head and got a booboo, and so did Foge, so they both ended up cussing very loudly so that Madam Hooch heard and came into the room. Then they got detention.

But Moony has to go to the loo, so Prongs can write the next part.


But Miss Prongs has lost inspiration.

And so, coming to the rescue is the always reliable, friendly . . . .

BAN ULTRA Anti-Perspirant! ROLL ON!

"George, what is taking you so long?" shouted Fred, looking into the bathroom.

"Look!" squealed George. "They get Ban Roll on! How come we are stuck with this Spello-Right Guard? Let's steal their Ban and sell it on the Black Market to Hogwarts students!" he finished triumphantly.

"But we'll get caught – it is our last year!" whined Fred. (Ugly kids tend to whine a lot . . .)

"Are you kidding? Our headmaster cross-dresses to 80's Madonna!"

And so they did, and there came upon a very dark time in Hogwarts history. Practically the DARKEST time. Not even when Mouldy Voldie was in power was there a darker time. It was known as . . .

The Great Professor Deodorant Famine.

I know that you can't have a famine if you have food, but this is a DEODORANT famine. This is much more important than a regular famine.

And now Moony can write the rest, b/c I am tired.

"Patty is Batty

But Not Too fatty

He's stupid


Stupid little

Patty Watty"


I am hungry

Hungry wungry

My belly is aching

And my. . . see line above.

So I shall get some foody

Foody woody

So I won't be hungry

Hungry wungry.


What? No, it's the end of the song. Not the story. Well, that wasn't necessarily a song, I know, but. . . a verse? Oh, be quiet. Who's writing this thing? You, or me?

Anyways, the evil, seductive Johan used the Anti-perspirant famine to take control of the entire Slytherin house. But we venture too far from the plot. What? Yes, there is a plot. It's about the Hufflepuffs. And the Hufflepuff academy. Yes, Prongs forgot. I shall have to remind her. **turns to see Prongs yelling at her copy of Weekly World News**

Prongs: No, no! Patty is EVIL! And stupid! I'm mad at him! I hate Patty! Patty is stupid!!! **writes** Patty. . . isss. . . . STOOPID!!!

Uhmmm. . . yes. . . . Prongs, god dammit, get over here and write, else you don't get fed! The Hufflepuff Academy was your bloody idea, so you can write about the buggers.

(P is for Popsicle)

P is not for Popsicle.

P is for Stupid Patty.

Ok, so anyways, back to the "Plot".

Kara was very mad when she heard that Johan stole Slytherin from her. So she seduced Draco into making Johan give her back Slytherin. So Draco made Johan give Kara Slytherin and all was well in the land of Slytherin.

Come on, you really didn't expect Kara to sleep with Johan, did you?


You did?

Well, sorry, but Draco's mine.

Draco is my bitch.

Keep your hands off him, Pansy.

Oh, yeah, I remember – Pansy loves Neville.

**insert Fox-Worthy Pansy/Neville make out scene**

Now, you may be asking yourself what the point of that little . . . . chapter was. But it was important to the outcome of the story.

And no, Harriet, I know you were looking forward to it, but there is no marrying **Stupid** Patrick in this story. Just me taking over the school and making Draco my bitch, that's all.

Anyways, where was Harriet when we last saw her?

Oh, yes, with our cross dressing headmaster.

"Like a Virgin!

Touched for the Very –

Come and Join in, Minnie! We can trade lipsticks!" squealed Dumbelydoore as he pranced about in his leather pink kneehigh stiletto heels.

Harriet was so shocked by this, that she was Petrified.

"Oh, Harriet! I never had the chance to tell you how much I . . ." Began Ron, but he was promptly poked.

So Harriet is petrifyed . . .


Just joshing, that's not the end.

Kara takes over the school.

And makes Draco her bitch.

And THAT'S The end.


Moony is for MOOO, which is the sound a cow makes.

Ooney is for OOOM, which is the sound a crazy cow makes.

And that is not the end.

P does not stand for stupid Patty.

SP stands for stupid Patty.

And THAT is not the end.

Ron went on a mythical quest to get the Supersoft, and then he used it to un-petrify Harriet, and then they did some much-anticipated snogging.

THAT is the end.


No, that is not the end.

Johan was forced to go away.

And Kara snogged Draco.

And there was much rejoycing.

And SP stands for Super Pickle.


~fin total~