* Update * June 2013: Unbelievably, I am still here, and I am still functioning! I am so happy and surprised to see that people are still visiting and commenting on my parody. I have such fond memories of writing it, and with that in mind, I tentatively endeavour to continue – and one day finish – my one and only contribution to this site.
Now, there is no timeline on this, so I can't say when it'll be... but the intention is there, I promise.
Thanks so much for all the support :) Keep those reviews coming! They are what inspire me to drop in, again and again.
Let the idiocy continue...
*Author's Note* You all know them - the fan fictions that start nowhere, go full circle, and dwindle off into wrenching absurd pointlessness. You all know her...the most overused character in the world of fan-fic; she's beautiful, she's mysterious… she's everything you've always wanted to torture unmercifully and more. I wrote this one night way back in the early 2000's - a veritable lifetime ago now - after reading one too many typical Legolas romances This was the unholy result of my equal-parts amusement and disgust towards the tragedy that is the Mary- Sue. I should, however, preface by saying that I mean no disrespect to the authors of Mary-Sue fics, as I begrudgingly admit, some have found that sweet balance, and shown excellent promise! And no discourtesy to the characters/actors depicted within. It's all for a laugh, and nothing more. So let's get to it… welcome, dear readers, to an adventure you won't soon forget…
- Emma -
"Mary-Sue's Finest Hour"
Braving the Intro
She awoke not knowing where she was. Lost, alone and completely vulnerable, she could have made a pleasant meal for a hungry orc - or sustenance for a horny ranger at that - but alas, at this early stage of our epic Mary-Sue, it is customary to talk about HER, her and only her, and we dare not address such issues as rape or paedophilia as this may dangerously disarray her hair.
She stands up, looks about her at the unfamiliar territory (which is approximately 856,374 shades of green and conveniently void of all things ugly and sinister) and is seemingly entirely unaware of the fact that her sudden "mysterious" presence in Mirkwood is about as original as eggs on toast. But this, dear readers, does not matter; because…*drum roll*...she is BEAUTIFUL.
Now, at this juncture, let us launch into a completely irrelevant paragraph to describe the extent of her astounding beauty, as our lovely protagonist scratches her lovely white ass and waits for us to return to the PLOTLINE.
Her hair is long and silky and smooth, and is a beautifully unique shade of brownish-blondish-blackish-red, with a tint of auburn. But not only that - for it has also been mysteriously kissed by the sun with streaks of bronzish-silverish-gold. Never mind that this combination of shades would make for a hair colour similar to that of a vomit-covered pile of yak-shit, for this is conveniently overlooked in the same manner as the fact that she probably smells like cat piss.
Her eyes are also exceedingly unique, as they are turquoise-violet-azure, and have the mysterious ability to alternately flip through all the colours of the rainbow without appearing as if she is doped up on more pot than a Jamaican hobbit at a Snoop-dog concert. Not only that, but it if you gaze directly into their depths, you will either fall in love, be permanently paralysed, become a gibbering idiot under her every verbal command, wet your pants, or see the entire world's history play at lightning speed in Dolby Digital VHS 360-surround sound with Srilankan subtitles.
Unsurprisingly, she is able to control this effect. Wouldn't want a bladdery Legolas and a smitten Saruman now would we?
In addition to all this, we avoid any alarming words such as FAT, PIMPLY and PRE-PUBESCENT for their much preferred counterparts - SLIM, SLENDER and FAIR-SKINNED.
At this point we must acknowledge her noble stead, who is of course a STALLION, although he does not engage in the most common stallion temperaments of aggression, pig-headedness, and the overwhelming tendency to mount all surrounding mares. On the contrary, he behaves mainly like a 'pacified kitten', with bursts of 'fierce mountain lion' and 'magnificent powerful dragon' right on cue, and at her convenience. He also happens to share the same vomit-covered yak- shit mane and drug-induced Jamaican hobbit eyes that are more likely to be described using nineteen adjectives lifted straight from the Thesaurus section of 'BEAUTIFUL'. Everyone loves some good [Shift-F7] action.
Thus, the audience is wowed by the attractive lovely gorgeous pretty ravishing exquisite splendid radiant dazzling brilliant resplendent awe-inspiring angelic striking charming picturesque heavenly elegant divine girl… whose name is finally revealed as Lyllaquillithiliana-Lyralista-Lollilathalalabombom . She has no surname because, obviously, her parents are dead. Alternatively, they may be almost dead. In some cases they may be dying.
But we don't give a rats ass about time-wasting concepts such as CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, so we return to Lyllaquillithiliana-Lyralista-Lollilathalalabombom , who will promptly be assigned a random collection of cliché syllables referred to as her 'nickname'. We are tempted by 'Corinth', 'Aaliyah' and 'Shaya', but we shall call her Sky, because it's about as original as eggs on toast.
Sky is ready. She has a delectable appearance, a big-balled horse and a name that nobody can pronounce, which is all that is needed to combat the forces of darkness, stand in the face of all evil, resurrect the righteous, and cook a mean spinach bake. However, we have secretly hidden many of her 'magical powers', which we will reveal when she runs into trouble and needs an easy escape. We will pass this off as PLOT DEVELOPMENT when in reality, we shall pull it straight out of our rectum when the plot is waning.
This technique, as you may have guessed, is about as original as eggs on toast.
Overlooking the fact that she has conveniently and inexplicably 'warped' in from New York or another such well-known, cliché, overused, over-hyped city, Sky whistles her magical lilting whistle to summon her horse, Fadowshax. He appears in 0.053 seconds flat ('pacified kitten' mode). After numerous referrals to the current colour of her eyes and hair as she mounts him by way of a triple back somersault with a toe-touch pike, she is off, lapping the forest twice within the space of one sentence, and lo and behold, stumbling across a group of wondering travellers… (nobody saw that coming)... (except that everybody did)...
Where to next? What will await our nineteen-adjective beauty in the depths of Mirkwood? And who is the group she has stumbled across in her eagerness to get to nowhere? Carry on, dear readers…