A/N: This is really just a silly funny drabble of a fic. No underlying plot - completely for laughs, many of the innuendo variety. It's probably actually bad lol. I wrote it in about thirty minutes which is speedy for myself. I hope that someone enjoys it.
A Light Snack
Goodness gracious, he was starving! Even with all the other physical needs he was ignoring in light of his workload, the hunger prevailed, gnawing at Ritsu's naturally persnickety tummy until he could no longer quell the pains with the distraction of keeping busy. He absolutely had to get something to eat before he actually did work himself to death, so he stood up, wading through the strange atmosphere of the end of the month, and headed to a nearby staff room that sometimes was stocked with food for this very purpose.
All he could find though was bread, peanut butter, and boysenberry jam. Ritsu wasn't sure if he'd like the boysenberry jam, as he had never tasted any before, but since he needed something so badly, he'd take it for a proper test run. Errantly he wondered why that particular flavor was there - wouldn't strawberry or grape be the more common options? 'Whoever was shopping for this food has some odd predilections,' he thought to himself.
Still, he grabbed the ingredients, gripping them firmly in hand as he made his way back to his desk. Ritsu was so hungry that he thought he might just eat the whole loaf (of bread). He hoped he didn't choke, because he had no water or drink nearby to quench his thirst, but undoubtedly this meal would sate his raging need. 'Oh well, maybe the boysenberry jam would be juicy enough to make it comfortable.'
He went to open the fruit spread, only to find it wouldn't. So, deciding to give it the benefit of the doubt, the rookie editor gave it another good college try. Only to be thwarted a second time.
He pouted for a moment before remembering an old trick. Pulling down on his shirtsleeve, he wrapped the fabric around the jar lid and tried to crank it open then, using the fabric as assistance. Only it still would not budge!
Ritsu scowled at the jam jar for all he was worth.
Why did they have to seal the damn things so tightly? Why wasn't he able to get it undone? Wasn't it only women that had this sort of problem? And when they did they usually asked their husb... NO FREAKING WAY WAS THAT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN! He would not sink to that level. He had coworkers right, his friends? Maybe they could solve this problem for him because he sure as heck wasn't going to ask... that person.
To think all that he was asking for was some jam for a nice sandwich. The universe hated him, Onodera was certain.
"Kisa-san!" he hailed, turning in his swivel chair to face his bubbly workspace partner, who was always usually amenable to helping him out at work with any problems that might have arisen. "Do you think you could try to get this top off for me?"
"Oh, sorry, Ricchan, about a few months ago I would have loved to get your top off! Nowadays though... ah, anyway, I was just about to go make some important copies for about the next two hours! Copy machines, they're great for sleeping on, and *other things* but darn if they don't break a lot! Gotta go, bye~!" Leaving poor Ritsu to wonder just what Kisa meant by that.
And he was still no closer to getting some boysenberry jam.
"Hatori-san?" He looked up hopefully just in time to see the stoic man rise from his seat and depart from the office, muttering darkly about his star author and how she apparently couldn't even cook rice properly. Ritsu thought that strange, given that rice was clearly the staple of the Japanese people. What he wouldn't give for a nice rice-based dish right now! But all the office had was ingredients for a western meal: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and he figure it was at least a step up from the convenience store bentos he was used to downing.
"Mino... err, never mind," he quickly amended his statement as Mino delivered to him the most bone-chilling smile he had ever witnessed in his miserable life before too departing the editing floor. "Good work...today...ahhh..."
"Need some help, Onodera?"
Ritsu swiveled in his chair a half-turn, and almost found himself mouth to mouth (thankfully in his swivel he had traveled a centimeter backward out of harm's way) with his imposing boss, and, though he tacked it on regretfully, one-time love, Takano.
"No, I don't."
"You can't lie so I don't know why you persist in trying."
"It's just a stupid jam jar, I'll live!"
"Oh I don't know. You seem pretty hungry to me, Onodera, and as you're well aware, I'm rather good at opening up tight little things... so why don't you let me do it for you? I normally get the job done, don't I?"
"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!"