A/N: I feel horrible for not updating in like two weeks and the gummy bear thing isn't done yet, so I threw this together (which means it's extra random :D) So, uh, please enjoy this story which I own nothing in.


Near, Matt, Light, and L were all sitting in a circle playing 'Go Fish' when Mello burst into the room shouting, "GUYS, DROP WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING! WE'RE GONNA PLAY A REALLY AWESOME, MANLY GAME TOGETHER!"

Near twirled his hair. "And what game would this be Mello?"

"Truth. Or. Dare." Mello stated dramatically. "The most masculine activity in existence. MATT!" Mello pointed at the red head, poking him in the eye. "Truth or dare?"

"Ow, uh, truth."

"What color is your hair?"

"Well… In cannon it's brown, but in the fandom it's red… But I'm in the fandom right now… But brown is cannon and cannon is basically fact… But I'm in the fandom where facts don't exist… AAUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE!" Matt screamed the ending.

Since he was unable to fulfill his task of telling the truth, Matt had to go sit in the Corner of Shame for twenty minutes… WITHOUT VIDEO GAMES!

Mello scanned the circle of now terrified men, looking for his next victim. "Hm… L, truth or dare?"

"Dare," the detective answered immediately.

"I dare you to punch Near in the face!" Mello ordered. L complied instantly with a smile on his face. Near got a black eye, curled up, and started to cry.

L turned to Light. "Kira, truth or dare?"

"I'M NOT KIRA but I pick dare."

"I dare you to break Amane-san's heart into a million little pieces," L smirked.

Light stood up and left the room. A few minutes later, he came back with a picture and showed it to L. It was a photograph of a bunch of little red gooey things, each labeled 1 through 1 million. "There's Misa's heart," Light announced.

Mello just stared at him with a wtf look plastered to his face. L muttered "Up 35%..."

Light attempted to smile cutely and innocently before turning to Mello. "Truth or dare blondie?"

"Dare, obviously, dipshit."

"Uh… I dare you too… NUKE RUSSIA!"

"Russia? What'd they ever do to you?" Mello asked.

"My roommate in college was Russian and he wouldn't share any of his cupcakes…" Light pouted.

L looked up. "Uh, Light-kun? That was me, and I'm not Russian."

"WELL RUSSIA DESTROYED ENGLAND'S CURSED CHAIR ALRIGHT?!" Light yelled spastically, clearly having been watching too much Hetalia.

Mello opened his brief case containing his personal stash of nuclear codes and typed it in so a nuke would strike Moscow in ten minutes.

##

Ten minutes later, in Moscow, twenty pairs of underwear fell from the sky and (somehow) began kicking all the elephants in all the zoos throughout the country.

Shocked? You shouldn't be. Everyone knows that a nuke is an acronym for Ninja Underwear Kicks Elephants.

##

Back to the manly game of manliness that is never played at little girls sleepovers ever. Mello glared at Near. "Truth or dare, Turd?"

Near sighed. "I can't believe I'm saying this but… Dare."

Mello's face lit up with a smile. "I dare you to…" he trailed off and whispered the rest in Near's ear. Near went wide-eyed for a moment, but nodded his head in agreement before leaving the room.

##

Near had walked into a big empty white room. Watari then used his magical powers to summon about a hundred pandas into that very room. They all stared at Near, who was in the middle of them all. No one moved or even made a sound.

A few minutes later, Near raised both of his hands slowly so that both palms were facing outward and were in front of both his shoulders. "I am one of you," he stated plainly in monotone.

In unison, all of the pandas raised their paws in the same gesture and roared.

"Rawr," Near said with an emotionless face.

##

When Near had come back, he glared at Mello. "Mello, I am going to assume you will choose dare," he stated quickly, "and I dare you and Matt to… take a nice walk through that friendly knife forest over there."

Mello complied and dragged Matt along with him, who suddenly missed his corner of shame.

##

Eventually, the boys came running out of the knife forest and they were dripping in blood.

"Wow," Mello panted. "Who knew there would be angry bears in there too?"

"And don't forget the drunken swordsmen," Matt added.

"Yeah… This whole Truth or Dare thing kind of backfired."

Matt smirked. "No kidding. We should really get to a hospital."

"I can't, I'm bleeding out…" Mello chocked before he collapsed.

"SHIT MELLO, YOUR FACE LANDED ON MY FOOT!" Matt yelled. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HEAVY YOUR FACE IS?"

##

And so, when all was said and done, a pack of gerbils carried Matt and Mello to their safe house, nursed them back to health, and then bartered with the creators of Death Note that these characters would be safely returned if they became the new stars and the dominant species.

And so, Tsugumi Ohba complied and changed Death Note to Gerbil Note. When this happened, all of the gerbils in the real world decided to rise up against man kind and made all humans their slaves. Just look around you; it's true.

Will the humans ever rise up against their evil gerbil overlords? Will this story ever start getting regular updates? Will 2 + 2 ever equal sausage? Will the Authoress ever stop asking meaningless questions and let you get on with your lives?

The answers are no, no, maybe, and oh hell no.

Obey the gerbils and get back to work, you filthy humans.