A/N: I. Am. Sorry. I haven't updated in literally a month (and I haven't finished the gummy bear thing yet. It'll be done when it's done) but I hope this chapter is a bit of compensation for that :)
And holy crap, this is the 30th chapter, isn't it? *cue epic party with Yoshi in a hoop-skirt and dancing bananas raining down from the sky* WHOOT!
Warning: I reference Power Puff Girls for no reason other than I was bored and it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In a world where fanfiction authors are struggling to think of creative intros to their stories, and crack is being improvised on the spot, some random crap happened. And what do I mean by random crap, you ask? I mean Light Yagami starring in the Broadway production of Swan Lake, Watari beating Misa Amane in a bathing suit competition, and Izawa attempting to play a part in this story and failing.
But this is not a story about any of that. Insert tears here.
Instead, this is a story that was previously going to be about Mello's romances with a chocolate bar, but somehow turned into this pile of llama crap.
And, ahem, in case you didn't catch that; LLAMA CRAP! I AM FORESHADOWING SOMETHING TO DO WITH LLAMAS AND MAYBE THEIR FECES!
Did you read that? You did? Good, then you can get on with your meaningless little life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Llama crap~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Llama crap~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Not chocolate~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time, in a magical land full of rainbows and sunshine and puppies, a nuclear bomb hit and completely destroyed everything. There was nothing but ash, blood, and post-apocalyptic movies. But then something emerged from the barren wasteland.
That's right: an army of ninja llamas. (FORESHADOWING COMPLETE!)
These llamas thrived off of the nothingness and generic movies, and had soon built an entire llama-ninja civilization. Word has it that they are currently plotting a strike against the other worlds/planets/magical lands to expand their civilization and generally be jerks. On one of those other worlds, a man named Watari decided he needed to take action. He resolved to create three heroes who could defeat these llama ninjas and save the universe.
Chocolate, brain cells, and a genetically engineered Pikachu: these were the ingredients chosen to make the universe's saviors, mostly because the store was fresh out of sugar, spice, and everything nice. And to spice things up, Watari added an extra ingredient to the concoction: chemical L (because chemical X is too mainstream).
And thus, the Wammy's boys were born! And using their super-genius powers, Mello, Near, and Matt were supposed to dedicate their lives to justice and llama destruction. Emphasis on "supposed to". Instead, the three boys reluctantly boarded the spaceship to magical llama-ninja land when Watari threatened to rape them if they didn't. I apologize for the mental image.
Once in space, the boys sat in the spaceship being boring. But just before they landed, Mello, Near, and Matt decided to put on their super-hero uniforms that Watari and knitted for them, which were green, pink, and blue respectively. Also, Near got a pretty little bow. Yay random, boring, please-get-on-with-the-stupid-story crap!
Once the spaceship touched down, they all emerged from it slowly and dramatically to that intense, dramatic astronaut music. As soon as their slow-motion walk was completed, they each got bitch slapped and completely destroyed by llama-ninjas and their hooves of shadows. Next thing they knew, they were locked up in a llama-ninja basement and chained to the walls.
Near furrowed his eyebrows. "I feel like we have been in this situation before…"
Mello nodded. "Yeah, but it's like it happened in a past life or something…" Matt nodded in agreement.
"I think you mean back in chapter one," called a voice from the far end of the cellar.
The boys turned toward it in shock. "W-Who are you?" Matt called.
"You mean you don't remember me? Well, let's see if you can guess. Am I:
b) The Authoress
d) David Bowie Sensei San Sama (KUN!)"
The boys looked at each other in confusion. "Uh, A?" Near guessed.
"INCORRECT!" the voice responded, causing baby llamas with insanely sharp teeth to fall from the ceiling and eat him. "Matt, you guess," it ordered.
"What? Um… C?" Matt guessed hesitantly.
"INCORRECT!" the voice yelled, about to murder the red-head.
"Wait!" Matt called. "Please don't kill me; my fangirls will be devastated!"
All was silent for a moment, as if the owner of the voice was contemplating this. "I don't care," it responded cheerfully as baby llamas gorged on his gamer flesh. "Your turn Mello."
"Oh hell no," Mello responded quickly.
"I'm not guessing. I'll die."
"No, Authoress, no!" Mello barked before realizing he had, technically guessed.
The voice chuckled. "Wrong! Death by baby llamas for you!" Mello was then eaten by adorable baby llamas who were getting fat from eating all these children.
Upon closer inspection, we now see that this voice came from Light Yagami, who cheated by not making himself an option to guess. He, like the others, was chained up in the llama-ninja basement. Unlike the others, he was wearing his torn up, Princess of Swan Lake dress (yes he was the princess).
Suddenly, the baby llamas started waddling adorably over to him. "What? No! Get away from me!" he yelled when they crawled on top of him. But instead of eating him like he thought they would, they all proceeded to crap out the children they just ate all over him. And what's worst of all is the llama-ninjas haven't invented showers yet.
So in the end, our heroes got eaten, Kira got pooped on, and the universe got taken over by llama-ninjas who did not believe in soap. And somewhere out there, there is a little family of llamas who are going to live happily ever after.
You know, until BB leads his rebel forces in a last ditch effort attack on all of llama kind. But that's a story for another day.
So as far as the llamas know, they all lived happily ever after. The end