The full chapter title is: "There's Sleeping Together and Then There's *Sleeping* Together"
Two and a half months. Seventy-six days. One thousand eight hundred thirty eight hours, give or take a handful of minutes. That was a really long time to go without sex, at least in Lex's opinion. Especially when your husband had the body of a Greek god – in fact, before Diana showed up Lex had been convinced that the Greek gods had been Kryptonians dicking around on Earth and using their sun-granted superpowers to act superior to humans, as they had apparently been wont to do – and a mouth like… well Lex didn't think there existed a word that meant sublime and gifted and otherworldly, both in the literal and the metaphorical, all at once. He should get on that. Right after he solved the lack of sex thing.
Lex really didn't think he was being unreasonable about this whole thing. He knew it wasn't possible for them to have sex multiple times every day, no matter how appealing the idea sounded. Clark and Lex both had full time jobs with the tendency toward odd hours, plus Clark had that superhero thing which, despite the increased efficiency and somewhat lessened danger, really didn't take any less time now than it had before Clark and his spandex-clad friends had started up the Justice League. And even when their schedules did synch up, Conner took up the whole of at least one of their attention.
But, despite all that, they still had managed to have mind-blowing sex at least once, but more often two and sometimes even three times a week. That was because the two of them had about the same sleep cycle, so when life didn't get in the way, they both were going to bed at about the same time. It didn't allow for as much sex as Lex felt like he should be entitled to as a married man – Lex had heard tell of married couples that basically never had sex, but clearly none of those people were married to Clark Kent. And good thing too, Lex would hate to have to kill them – especially since there were far too many nights when at least one of them was too exhausted to do anything, but it was often enough to keep him content.
So, things had really been going quite smoothly, right up until the point that Lex's son, his precious, precocious son whom he loved more than anything or anyone, had suddenly become a fucking menace.
Well, a menace to fucking, at any rate.
Seventy-four days ago, Conner had decided, in all his two year old wisdom, that the best place in the penthouse for sleeping was right in between his two dads. The first couple of days it had been rather sweet. Really, Lex relished any opportunity to lavish Conner with the physical affection Lex's father had deprived him of when he had been a child. But after a week it had started to seem a little less sweet when Conner flashed his big puppy dog eyes every night at bedtime, making it all but impossible to say no. (Clark claimed they weren't puppy dog eyes at all, but Conner's variation of Lex's wounded/vulnerable look and seemed largely uninterested in Lex's insistence that he had no such look.) Even then, it wouldn't have been a problem if not for the fact that any attempt to move Conner back to his own bed after he fell asleep invariably woke him up and got them treated to the same wide-eyed stare.
That was not to say that they hadn't had any opportunities to have sex since this started. Tess, who Lex was beginning to regret tracking down no matter how long-suffering Clark was being about it because the woman was clearly unbalanced (granted the only proof of that Lex had at the moment was that, despite having the good fortune of getting the hell away from Oliver Queen, she had gone right back to sleeping with him the next time they had crossed paths, but still), had offered to watch Conner overnight one day so she could bond with her nephew. Surprisingly, Conner hadn't objected and even Lex's protests that they shouldn't be leaving their son with a sociopath just because Clark had orphan issues didn't seem like they would have kept Clark from pounding him through the mattress if they ended up going home alone, since Clark was feeling too desperate for sex to feel righteously indignant. In the end, Clark had gotten his way regarding Conner's sleeping arrangements by whispering in Lex's ear exactly what he planned on doing when they got back and then flying them both out of there while Lex was too lust-dazed to argue. They had made it to their bedroom, Clark eschewing undressing themselves in favor of sticking his hand straight down Lex's pants, when Clark had tilted his head to the side in that particular way of his that had Lex cursing in languages he didn't even know. And fuck Australia and fuck their tsunamis and fuck their kangaroos and their fucking attitudes, Lex was going sink them all into the fucking ocean. Just as soon as he got laid.
That was it. Tonight Lex was just going to have to put his foot down, no matter how downtrodden and pathetic Conner looked. He could beg and plead and look at Lex with big sad eyes, and Lex would quite firmly tell him no.
Or maybe Lex could just come up with a plan B.
"Lex, this is a surprise. Was there something you needed, dear?" said Martha's voice in his ear before Lex even realized he had dialed the phone, much less had had a plan B already formulated.
Sometimes his brain even astounded him.
"Do I need a reason to call you?" Lex responded.
"Of course not. I just thought you might have something better to do in the middle of the work day," she said. Lex looked up, startled to realize that, yes, it was two on a Friday, yes, he was in his office, and, yes, he did have a lot of work he was supposed to be doing. Shit, if this didn't work then Lex was marching straight over to the Daily Planet and, Clark's disturbingly legitimate concerns about Cat Grant somehow getting pictures of them in the act or no, he was grabbing Clark and dragging him to the copy room for a quickie.
"Actually, I was just a little distracted with thoughts of Conner. It occurred to me he hadn't seen his grandmother in a while, and I thought it might be nice –"
"Lex," Martha interrupted, sounding both amused and chiding at the same time. "You remember I raised a son too, don't you?"
"Yes," Lex said. Considering her results, Lex had long considered her an expert in the matter.
"Then I hope you realize I wouldn't think any less of you if you told me my grandson was driving you crazy and you wanted me to take him off your hands so you and your husband could get some alone time," she said.
"I… That would be wonderful, thank you," said Lex.
"Anytime," Martha said.
After he finished working out the details with Martha, he called Clark up to let him know about their new plans for that weekend. Then he threw himself into work for the rest of the day. Originally he had been planning on coming into the office for at least a half day on Saturday, LexCorp was in the middle of a couple of very big projects at the moment, but that clearly that wasn't even remotely an option any more. Of course, doing all that work today, when he had already wasted half his time thinking about all the sex he wasn't having, meant he was going to have to work pretty late into the evening. In fact, he didn't finish until nearly 9 o'clock in the evening, coming home to a dark and apparently empty penthouse.
He was heading down to his home office to get his laptop so he could hack into the Justice League computers and find out who he needed to destroy for ruining his evening – Clark and Lex had an understanding were Lex pretended like he didn't know the complete ins and outs of the Justice League's computer security system, and Clark pretend like he didn't know that was a load of bullshit – when he spotted a glow from the other end of the hallway. Cautiously optimistic, by which he meant he was fairly certain it wasn't the unholy team-up of Darkseid and an eviler version of his father from another universe waiting for him, Lex walked down the hall and pushed open the door to his and Clark's bedroom.
Clark, sprawled naked across their bed lightly stroking himself. "What took you so long?" he said petulantly, thus proving once and for all Lex's theory that Clark could make anything sexy. Then he licked his lips, sending Lex into some sort sensory overload, because everything that happened afterward was a blur. A hot, intense, pleasure-filled blur that resulted in a ten hour sex coma.
Lex woke up the next morning to Clark watching him sleep, creepy, a kiss on the nose, annoying, and more incredible sex, worth it. Afterwards Clark declared it to be a 'stay-in-bed-all-day' day, an idea that Lex whole-heartedly agreed with. He also decided they should have pizza for breakfast, which Lex was less enthusiastic about, but was willing to go with it if they could have sex again while they were waiting for delivery. The pizza came about the same time they did, and they watched Back to the Future while they ate it. Then they had more sex. Of course, they could hardly watch the first Back to the Future without watching the other two, so they popped them in, stopping in between the two and in the middle of the third for more sex. They channel surfed for a while after that, landing on a Star Trek marathon which resulted in Lex yet again trying to explain the Kirk/Spock subtext to Clark. He was pretty sure that Clark still didn't get it, if for no other reason that all the talk of sexual undertones distracted them and they ended up having sex again before Lex could finish making his point. By that time they were both ravenous, the last of the pizza disappearing sometime during the third Back to the Future so they ordered some Chinese food for dinner. While they were waiting Lex brought up the subject of Star Trek again, but when Clark tried to claim that Wesley really wasn't that bad, Lex had to kiss him to shut him up, which inevitably lead to more sex. The food arrived and Clark, who decided they had had enough sci-fi for the day, flipped to the middle of the really rather awful Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice to watch as they ate. Clark insisted on eating with his fingers, of all things, sucking on them in an absolutely obscene way. So, of course, more sex. A shower was definitely in order then, though Clark following him for shower sex somewhat impeded his efforts to get clean. After that Lex could no longer stay quiet about the physical impossibility of the sheer amount of sex they had had that day, but Clark argued that with his own superpower and Lex's enhanced healing the lines of possible were changed significantly. That lead to a disagreement as to whether or not replacing spent semen counted as healing which, somehow, lead to more shower sex. They eventually managed to use the shower for its intended purpose and washed the sweat and grunge from a day of lying in bed having an astonishing amount of astonishingly good sex off each other. That necessitated changing the sheets because there was no way Lex was climbing between those nasty things with his clean self. Finally, at about ten at night after a truly exhausting day, they crawled back into bed, curled their weary bodies up around each other, and went to sleep.
Or tried to anyway. After an hour of nothing, even Lex had to admit it wasn't working.
"Lex?" Clark whispered.
"Yeah?" Lex whispered back.
"I think I know why we can't sleep. You need to put on some pants," Clark said, rolling out of bed, presumably to go get Lex some pajama pants.
"Being naked is the problem?" Lex asked. It wouldn't be the first time nakedness kept them from sleeping, but it had never worked quite like this before.
"No, but it will be in a minute," said Clark cryptically, pulling his own bottoms on. Then he tossed a pair at Lex, hitting him in the face. "Sorry. But go ahead and pull those on, and I'll be back in a second." Clark vanished, leaving Lex with no choice but to comply.
After five minutes Lex started to get impatient. He was about to call Clark, verbally as Clark obviously hadn't taken his cell phone with him, when the other man reappeared, carrying a sleepy two year old in Superman pajamas – Clark thought they were embarrassing and Lex thought they were tacky, but Conner loved them, so there wasn't much they could do.
Clark set Conner down on the bed, and Conner immediately made his way over to Lex, nestling up in the circle of his arms. "Missed me," Conner declared confidently, no doubt echoing sentiments Clark had expressed to him upon waking him up.
"I did," Lex agreed before placing a kiss on the top of Clark's head.
"We both did," corrected Clark. He positioned himself behind Conner and draped an arm over both Conner and Lex, so the three of them were cuddled up together in the center of their enormous king-sized bed.
"Here now. Go sleep," Conner told them.
Lex met Clark's eyes and shared a brief smile before doing just that.