A/N: Okay guys, here's the deal on this story…it's dark, it's angsty as fuck, you will probably want to kill Edward, and you will need tissues to get through it. This was originally a story I posted some time ago as an Alice/Jasper piece, and then had pulled. It has been reworked at points, and retitled as well, so for those of you who read this and remember it from the Alice/Jasper story it was, I ask two things, (1) do not spoil this for other readers, and, (2) while parts of this will remain the same, parts of it will be different from the original story. Also...banner and pics for this story will be on my blog: lvtwilight09fanfiction . blogspot . com (just remove the spaces). Banner and pics will also post to my FB group: lvtwilight09's lovers
I shouldn't be feeling like this. I know it's wrong. I have absolutely every reason to be happy…a husband, three children, and a gorgeous home. I don't have to work, so I'm free to devote myself and my time to my family and friends. So why do I feel like I don't matter, like no one even sees me, and that if I were to disappear…no one would even bother to notice.
I used to be a happy person. I used to smile and see the joy in life. Now I force the smiles and fake the laughs. I'm not quite sure how things got like this, and I don't know how to fix it. I just want to be able to care again, feel something…anything other than sad and worthless. Maybe I should try talking to Edward again. I tried once but he was so caught up in his work I don't even think he heard me…
"Edward please…can't you see that I'm unhappy? I feel like I'm dying inside." I plead with him, watching as my husband barely pays me any attention as he continues to read over some new research report in our home office.
Sighing, Edward looks up at me. "What could possibly be so wrong in your life that you're unhappy Isabella? I work damn hard to provide for you and the kids. You have everything you could ever want. You don't have to work and we have a staff who maintains our home so you don't have to. Your days are free to do with as you please. Do you know how many people would kill to trade places with you Isabella? Just be thankful that you have such a good life, stop whining, and more importantly stop wasting my time over this trivial nonsense."
"Edward, you don't understand. I'm lonely. I feel like you don't even remember I exist half the time. You're either at work or on some business trip or locked up here in your office. The only time I see you is when we are at some event for the kids. I miss my husband. I need you back." I try to fight back the tears, but they fall anyway. I just want to scream at him, he won't even look at me when I'm talking with him, trying to get him to see that I need him to make me feel loved again, feel important. He doesn't look though, I don't even know if he heard me.
"Bella, if you're that lonely why don't you spend more time with Alice and Rosalie."
I wish I could make him see, the girls are too busy with their own lives. Rosalie never was one who was easy to talk to and she just opened up her third restaurant here in LA, and Alice just had the twins a few months back. My parents, well, all they tell me is to be a better wife and be thankful I have it so good so it's not like I could go seeking advice from them either.
"You know Alice has her hands full with the babies right now and Rosalie is far too busy with the restaurant having just opened."
Looking up at me, Edward huffs as he pulls his glasses off his face and tosses them on the desk.
"Then I'll buy you a puppy Isabella." He grits through his teeth, clearly getting frustrated by me trying to have an actual conversation with him. A tense silence settles over us for a moment as he just stares at me. "Is that all?" He questions, effectively dismissing me.
I knew he wouldn't listen or understand, so I don't know why I'm so upset by how he reacted. I rush out of his office, shutting the door behind me and head to my room where I lock myself away for the next hour as I cry. I cry for myself for feeling how I do, I cry because I feel like I've lost my husband, and I cry because I'm not quite sure how much more of this I can take…something has to give.
Two days after that train wreck of a conversation, I woke up to the sounds of a soft whimpering and scratching sound. Getting out of bed, I found that as usual Edward has already left for the day but sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed was a golden retriever puppy in a box with a red satin bow around its neck. Attached to the bow was a note, scrawled in Edward's messy handwriting that said "Hopefully now that there is another girl in the house you won't feel so lonely." I wasn't sure how to feel about what Edward wrote on the note, but I fell in love with that puppy all the same, and named her Clara.
Edward…my husband…I love him, really I do. I just wish he would actually pay attention to me once in a while, make me feel like I'm important to him. He hasn't made me feel like that since before Michael, our middle child was born. Edward worked for his father's company, Cullen Pharmaceuticals, or CP as it was more commonly known within the industry. Edward used to travel for work a lot, talking at doctors conventions and such trying to get more clients for his father. Most of the time I would travel with him, and we always managed to have fun together even though Edward was working.
Once I had our first son, Elliott, I started staying home when Edward would have to travel. We had both agreed it wouldn't be the greatest idea to travel with a baby, but every time Edward came back home to us was wonderful. He would look at me and Elliott like we were the only two things in his world. He would not only tell me he loved me, but would show me every chance he got, taking me out on romantic dinners, or just bringing flowers home for me at the end of the day. They would always be sunflowers, because I was the sun that lit up Edward's world. At least that's what he used to tell me…
Pulling up to the house after dropping Elliott off at school, my heart skips a beat. His car is here…Edward is home. I can't help the smile that breaks across my face as I rush to shut the car off and get inside the house. I have missed him so much. He had been away for a week in Georgia for some conference, but from what he said when we talked over the phone, everything had gone really well and Edward had managed to secure eight new clients for CP.
Bursting through the front door, I see my gorgeous husband waiting for me, holding a huge bouquet of sunflowers for me. How he always managed to find them, even when they were out of season was beyond me. In an instant, the flowers are left on the table by the door and Edward has me scooped up in his arms, peppering my face with kisses as he tells me how much he missed me. As much as I hated when he had to travel for work, I always loved the homecomings.
Edward carries me down the hall to our room and gently places me on the bed. "I missed you Bella" he whispers, his eyes full of love as he looks at me.
"I missed you too Edward" I murmur back before kissing him. We take our time with each other, reconnecting, our hands roaming and recommitting each other's bodies to memory before making love for most of the morning. Realizing the afternoon is drawing close and that Elliott would need to be picked up from school soon, I move to get up and get dressed. Edward reaches for me, pulling me back into his embrace as he nuzzles and kisses my neck.
"I missed you so much Isabella. I hate when I have to leave you and Elliott for work." He softly says into my ear.
Bringing my hand up and caressing his cheek, I tell him "I know Edward. But I know you love your job and Elliot and I will always be here waiting to welcome you home."
Placing a quick kiss on his lips, I hop out of the bed, head into the closet and throw on some clothes. Walking back into the room, I toss some clothes towards Edward, who is still lying in bed, a lazy smile on his face.
After getting dressed, Edward wraps me in his arms as he says "I love you baby. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
Turning in his arms, I give him a kiss, but quickly end it, knowing that we have to leave soon to get Elliott from school so that we won't be late.
"I love you too Edward…always." I whisper in reply. "Now come on, let's go pick up our son. I'm sure he'll be excited to see that his Daddy is home.
Right around the time that Elliott turned six, Edward's father died, and he took over the business. He started staying at work longer, and going away on longer business trips, but I understood. Edward was determined to make a name for himself. He didn't want to ride on the coattails of his father's reputation. Edward worked so hard, and he managed to not only prove himself, but took CP to new heights, expanding the company to an international level. I was so proud of him for all he had accomplished. He was happy, and it made me happy to see him be so successful.
Shortly after the company's expansion, I got pregnant with Michael. That's when things started to change. Edward was happy about having another child and seemed proud about having another boy, but for the most part I was on my own during the pregnancy. My friends Alice and Rosalie helped with decorating the nursery. Edward didn't even know which room it was in until I went into labor and he needed to go grab the car seat to take with us to the hospital.
Edward had pulled away as my pregnancy progressed. I chalked it up to a combination of my hormones being out of whack and Edward just being busy with trying to take CP public on the stock market. It just seemed to me that for the most part, I only saw Edward on doctor appointment days or evenings when there was some gala or charity event that we were supposed to attend, and even then, it wasn't like it used to be. Once Michael was born though, it seemed like everything was good again. Edward doted on me and the baby, he smiled all the time, and he even took time off of work. He took off a full month after the baby was born, and then for the second month, worked from home. I thought things were finally getting better. I was wrong.
Edward seemed frustrated with me all the time, complaining about how I ran the house. He didn't realize how hard it was to take care of things when you are juggling an eight year old and a six month old, plus trying to maintain a six bedroom home and put dinner on the table. I had always prided myself on taking care of our home by myself. I never liked the idea of having someone else clean my house, especially when I knew I could take care of it myself, at least until I couldn't anymore…according to Edward that is.
We were supposed to be having several of the board members from CP over for dinner. Elliott was in the middle of a solar system project for school and Michael was sick with a cold and running a fever. In the midst of it all I lost track of time and forgot to get everything ready. Edward had left work early that day and came home to find me covered in paint and glitter glue trying to soothe a crying Michael, and Elliott had all of his things for his project spread across the dining room and kitchen. I had been so busy looking after Michael and then helping Elliott that I hadn't had a chance to even clean up the kid's stuff that was all over the house, let alone start dinner.
I look up, startled as I hear the front door slam shut. I check the clock and it finally dawns on me that today was the dinner with the board members. Edward told me he would be home early and he needed me to make sure the house was cleaned up and that the dinner was prepared for our guests. Nervously, I meet his gaze and I can see the anger written across his face. I try to stutter out some sort of an apology but am quickly cut off by Edward telling me one thing…"Don't." His voice is menacing, and I know better than to even try to explain at this point.
Quickly, I try to make the best of things and start trying to pick up the clothes, toys and various other things that are strewn about the den, kitchen, and dining room. In my rush to get as much done as possible I hear Edward talking to Elliott.
"Hey Buddy" he says, in a much happier tone than the one he addressed me with. "Mommy and I have people from my work coming over for dinner. Do you think you could be a super helper and take your project to your room to work on for now? I promise either me or Mom will help you with it later on if you need us to."
"Sure Dad" Elliott replies. He loves his father, and is always willing to do anything for him. I watch as Edward helps Elliott move his things to his room and then stop in Michael's room to check on him before coming back into the dining room where I am. I swear I can feel the tension rolling off of him. I listen as he calls a catering company, who after being told that Edward would pay triple the normal cost, agree to have dinner ready at the house by seven. After he gets off the phone with the caterer, he calls a maid service and offers them an obscene sum of money if they can send a crew to the house right away and have it ready before our guests arrive at six. Once he's off the phone, he just stares at me, his face devoid of any emotion, his demeanor eerily calm.
"Seriously Isabella?" He demands. "One night. I need you to take care of things for one night and you can't do that for me? You know how important these dinners with the board can be. Are you deliberately trying to ruin me?"
"Edward, I'm sorry. I just…with Michael's cold and trying to help Elliott with his project…"
"Just stop, Isabella!" he yells. "Clearly you can't handle taking care of everything at home, and now I've been left to clean up your mess like always. After tonight we are hiring a permanent house staff to take care of things. This is not open for discussion. I will not have your forgetfulness and incompetence ruining everything I've worked so hard for. You can take care of the children…unless you start screwing that up too and make me hire a nanny."
I don't know what to say or how to respond. My apologies will only fall on deaf ears. My vision blurs from the tears, and no matter how fast I try to wipe them away, they just keep falling even quicker. Edward's words have cut straight to my heart. I feel like the disappointment that Edward clearly thinks I am.
"Isabella stop crying, get Elliott and Michael settled for the evening and then go get ready for dinner. Our guests will be here in a few hours." Edward tells me, his voice cold and distant.
Afraid of getting him even more upset, I just nod and leave the room to go and do as I'm told.
I guess that's when I started feeling different. I felt so bad about almost ruining Edward's dinner. I tried apologizing afterwards, but he just dismissed the issue, saying it was done and over with already. But it wasn't done, he managed to find ways to remind me of how I failed him, how he had to come and clean up the mess I made. I felt like a failure. I had always been able to make Edward happy and take care of our home and now it seemed like I couldn't any more. I tried talking to Alice and Rosalie, but it seemed like they didn't understand or couldn't be bothered with my problem. Alice just told me to brush it off, that Edward was probably just having a stressful time at work, and that I should be happy about not having to worry about taking care of the house anymore. Rosalie just told me to talk to Edward about it since it was mine and his problem and not hers.
I tried to make the best of things, but each day when the staff showed up it was like it was a reminder of my failure, my weakness that I couldn't take care of my own house. Edward was staying later and later at work too so I was barely even seeing him anymore. It was as though we were just two people living in the same house. At one point we went three weeks without even seeing each other, and another time we went almost two months without even exchanging so much as a hello. He was always a good father though, and made sure he made time for the boys, took them places, and showed up for all of their important school events. It was as if he had forgotten all about me, as if everything else overshadowed me, and I was just lost somewhere in the background. I felt invisible.
A/N: So…yeah… Like I said, you're probably going to hate Edward in this fic for a good, long while. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one. As for a posting schedule, this fic will update every Friday.
Until next time,