Rating: M

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyers owns everything Twilight.

A/N: Thank you to my wonderful and amazing Beta T, Lovin Rob who was my pimp, cheerleader and #1 supporter!

So here it is …


Edward's notebook

7/20/2012 Counseling session from Chapter 4:

What do I want? Not to do this.

What makes me angry? Having to do this.

What am I afraid of? Doing this.

What makes me happy? Definitely not this.

What do I do well in my marriage? I hate to brag but ask Bella.

What could I do better in my marriage? Ask Bella, she'll know.

What are my dreams … goals? I've already reached them but lost the one that meant the most ...

How do I feel now? Alone, depressed and despondent… missing my wife.

Make a list of all the qualities you like about your spouse.

I married her didn't I? Bella is the complete package … brains, beauty and booty.

Make a list of all your complaints about your spouse.

Bella expects me to be fucking perfect and I'm not so I always end up disappointing her in one way or the other … except in the bedroom.

I am fucking pissed that she stopped believing in me – in us, so easily. She bailed. I don't know what I can say or do to defend myself, as I am NOT guilty. I have NOT fucked ANYONE since I met Bella. Period – end of story!

I really don't like Jacob, her supposed 'friend'. She needs to wake up and realize that he wants to be in her pants.

What changes would you make if you could?

I'd snap my fingers and make this all go away. My wife would trust and believe in me again and I'd erase Jacob from existence.

Write how your partner would behave or fulfill your every fantasy.

Bella stars in all my fantasies and if you think I'm going to write them down so you can rub one out, you are one sick fuck, Dr. Stanley.

7/21/2012

So I've answered your goddamn questions Dr. Stanley. What grade do I get? This is such fucking bullshit! Do you really think that by writing down my thoughts and feelings, I'll have an epiphany and all of this bullshit will suddenly make sense to me because for the past month or so, nothing has. Absolutely nothing! My entire life has spun out of control before crashing and burning. I'm so frustrated and angry.

7/22/2012

Well that's it. I really am a fucking asshole. Bella was right after all. As if things weren't bad enough, I fucked them up even further. Big time! I've done something terrible and I can't tell anyone about it but since this notebook is supposed to be for MY benefit and no one will ever see it but me, here it goes … I think I had sex last night with a woman who wasn't my wife. And here's the real kicker … I don't remember the actual sex part! After leaving our counseling session yesterday I needed to unwind. So I went to that new club and had a few drinks. Okay, maybe more than a few as I don't think I've ever been so wasted in my entire life. Or maybe it could have been because I hadn't eaten in awhile and the alcohol went straight to my head. Regardless, the next thing I knew some girl was on my lap grinding her sweet ass against my steel rod. I must've lost my mind or something cause I thought it was Bella. I vaguely remember her unzipping my pants and sliding her hand inside and I'm ashamed to say that I liked it. It felt so fucking good. Hey, it's been too long. But here is where it gets really unclear. I have flashbacks of being inside my car and I hear a woman's voice remarking on how beautiful my cock was. She had one hand on the wheel while her other hand was jerking me off. Did I cum? I don't know. I think I might have passed out. Fast forward to this morning. I'm horrified to have woken in a strange hotel room with some random girl I probably couldn't even identify in a line-up. I am repulsed by my behavior. I am so sorry Bella! I'M SORRY! How the hell will she ever forgive me? Maybe she shouldn't. Perhaps she'll never need to know. Fuck no ... at some point, I'm going to have to tell her. I'm dreading that day.

7/23/12

I've decided I don't give a shit anymore. I'm moving on. My marriage is definitely 100% over. Any hope I had of things working out between Bella and me has vanished. All of my worst fears have come true. My wife is fucking Jacob Black. I saw with my own two eyes, her truck parked at his house and it was too fucking early for a social call. She must have spent the night with him. I wonder how long it's been going on? Have I been played for a fool all along? Was she even pregnant with my baby or was it his? No ... I can't think like that. But I'm so fucking angry right now that I can't see straight. I want to beat the living shit out of that bastard. I feel so stupid for leaving her those voice messages begging her to call me like some lovesick school boy. I don't want to talk to her or ever see her fucking face ever again. I want this pain to go away. I can't handle this shit anymore.

~StN~

7/27/2012 Counseling session from Chapter 8:

On a scale of 1 to 5, (1 = low, 5 = high), please answer the following questions. Feel free to add comments.

How would you rate your level of satisfaction with your marriage right now?

You're kidding me right? But if you must know, I'm extremely unsatisfied with the status quo of my marriage. Bella's moved on with her 'friend' and I'm going to move on as well.

How much quality time do you spend together?

Okay, now I know you are fucking with me, Dr. Stanley! Zilch, nada … zip. We spend NO time together except in these stupid, useless sessions.

How would you rate your sex life?

Getting kind of personal, aren't you Dr. Stanley and if you think I'm going to answer that extremely personal question, you are out of your fucking mind.

What was the outcome of the most recent argument you had with your spouse?

Gee, that's a tough one. Let's see … hmm … my wife left me and immediately filed for divorce before giving us a chance to sit down and talk to see if we could work things out. I'd say that was rather childish, wouldn't you?

How many nice things have you done for your spouse without being asked?

Are you implying that I wasn't a good husband? Because you'd be wrong. Other than the 'little things' she commented on like not giving her my full attention and jumping up like a goddamn dog when she barked orders, I was a good and faithful husband. I took care of her many needs … just ask her. She cannot possibly have any complaints about that.

At night when you are lying in bed and thinking of your spouse, what kinds of thoughts run through your head?

When I'm lying in bed at night – ALONE, I try NOT to think about Bella cause if I do, I can't sleep … my mind wanders and I picture her with him … lying in his bed and imagine all the kinky shit they're doing. Gee, thanks for bringing it up Dr. Stanley. Now I won't be able to sleep tonight. I'll bet Bella sleeps like a baby.

7/27/2012

I was doing so well today during our counseling session, keeping that wall up between us and pretending I that didn't care until I saw her tears fall and then I caved. Bella's not playing fair. She knows I can't handle her crying. I don't want to feel anything anymore but I don't seem to be able to turn my feeling off completely. Who am I kidding? I still love Bella. I'll always love her even though she doesn't want me anymore and is fucking someone else. But why the tears? Were they for me or is it because she is feeling guilty? Did seeing me without my wedding ring on ... the token symbol of our eternal love and bondage, truly upset her? I don't understand. But like I said, I caved when seeing her tears and then suggested something ludicrous like us being 'friends'. How the fuck can I just be friends with her knowing how I feel about her? This situation we're in truly sucks.

7/28/2012

I stayed up most of last night writing a song that I hope clues Bella in on how I'm feeling. I've called it 'I Need to Know'. I've decided that I'm going to give it one last shot before calling it quits on my marriage. Why should I make this easy for Jacob?

7/30/2012

Well, I've just made it fucking easy for Jacob. You might say I've paved the way for him to swoop in and carry off my wife. Everything had been going so well. Alice delivered Bella to the Hive like I hoped she would and I sang the song I wrote for her. We connected just like we used to. I know she felt it and I was just about to ask her to come with me so we could have a real talk until I saw Jacob standing beside her. I just about lost it. Is Bella sending me a message? Am I too thick to accept it? Yes, apparently I am because rather than go home, I went to the pub. Maybe it was just morbid curiosity or I'm a sick masochist but I thought if I watched them interact together, I would know for sure how Bella felt. She sat beside Jacob at the table but I didn't witness any obvious PDA right away – no arm around her shoulders or handholding under the table. Yeah, I checked. I dropped my napkin a lot. He did brush his thigh against hers at one point but then he swiveled in his chair to face Riley. Jacob actually seemed more interested in talking sports shit with him than engaging Bella in conversation. Bella's little performance up on stage really got to me. I knew I had to make a move and once again, Alice came through. I'm really starting to like her. After kissing Bella, there is little doubt in my mind that she still finds me sexually attractive. She wanted me but something is holding her back. Is it Jacob? When Jacob hugged and kissed her and told her he loved her before leaving with Riley … um, that was a bit strange. Why did he leave with him? I couldn't stop myself and took out all my frustrations on his face.

So now I've spent the past 24 hours with my dad. Bella called him. We talked a lot and I learned that my parent's marriage wasn't perfect like I'd always assumed it was. I guess no relationship is 'perfect'. I told him everything and I mean everything. His reaction surprised me. He told me if I really loved her, I shouldn't give up and walk away and that I shouldn't keep this from her. 'Complete honesty is the key son.' When I told him that Bella was involved with someone else, he laughed. He said that Bella loved me very much. When I asked him how he knew that, he told me to 'open my eyes'. What does that mean? I've called and left Bella several voice messages, as she isn't answering my calls. I know she's upset with what I did. How do I get through to her? I need her to know how much she means to me … how much I care and that I love her more than I ever thought possible. Maybe I'll have my chance while we're in Las Vegas.

~StN~

7/31/2012 Counseling session from Chapter 12:

Answer yes or no to the following questions:

When my spouse is away, I feel insecure or uncertain of his/her devotion.

Yes! Obviously.

I am hurt and humiliated when my spouse does not respond to my sexual overtures.

No – it's never happened. Bella always responds to my sexual prowess.

If I don't feel happy to see my spouse, something is wrong with our relationship.

Well yes … duh!

I need to hear my spouse say the words 'I love you' in order to feel loved.

No. Talk is cheap. What tells me 'I love you' is when she shows me. She shows me by her actions … by doing all the little things that makes a house a home and by her touch.

My needs and desires should always be more important to my spouse than the needs and desires of others.

Absolutely yes! I should come first before all others.

I deserve a spouse who will always try to make me happy.

Yes! Who wants a spouse who makes them miserable?

My spouse is an extension of myself.

Yes! She's my other half.

In order to avoid having an argument with my spouse, I will do just about anything.

No, I'm not afraid to speak my mind especially since I'm usually right.

Conflict is damaging to a relationship.

Yes, apparently so.

The definition of a marriage is two people who have merged into becoming one entity.

No – that is the definition of fucking. I'll tell you the definition of a marriage. It's being there for each other through the good as well as the bad shit. It's about accepting each other's faults as well as their good qualities. It's NOT about making close friendships with the opposite sex that makes your spouse fucking crazy.

7/31/2012

I've got to hand it to Dr. Stanley. Her methods are definitely weird but effective. I didn't think Bella would talk to me after the incident in the parking lot but she did. Maybe the last message I left softened her. For the first time since she walked out on me, I think we might actually be able to work things out. I told her I loved her. I bared my soul to her during our session. I even told her about being drugged the night I was photographed kissing that blonde woman. I should have told her right then and there what I remember about the rest of that night but instead I chickened out. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me. I'm looking forward to Vegas in a few days. I think that will be my best shot at winning her back and I'm going to lay it on thick. She's going to have trouble keeping her hands off of me. I know what she likes. I'll bet Jacob doesn't have a clue.

8/6/2012

I WON BIG IN LAS VEGAS!

YOU LOSE BIG JACOB BLACK!

Who knew make-up sex could be this fucking fantastic? Since she's agreed not to end our marriage, we can't seem to stop doing it. Bella just left MY bed after another marathon session. I can still smell her scent on the sheets. But I couldn't persuade her to stay. Bella feels guilty leaving Rose alone. Emmett had better do something about his wife and soon. I want mine to move back in with me. Maybe I'll give him Dr. Stanley's card. I am one lucky son-of-a-bitch to be given a second chance with the woman I love. I promise that I'll never, ever take her for granted again or put myself in questionable situations that make her feel insecure about us. I plan on sitting her down soon and telling her everything that has happened since we separated … and I mean EVERYTHING! No more secrets. I should have done this before. She deserves to know the truth. I wonder how she'll react when I tell her that I possibly had sex with another woman. What will I do if she changes her mind about us? Maybe we should discuss this in our next counseling session … our very last counseling session.

I just want our life to return back to normal. Wish me luck ...


A/N: At their next counseling session, Jessica made Edward and Bella switch their notebooks. At that point Edward still hadn't sat Bella down and confessed. Can you understand why he was so freaked-out that she had his notebook? Bella had yet to read it when she met up with Vicky and later when Tanya and Dimitri kidnapped her. Unfortunately for him, Edward was very wrong about it being their last counseling session but continuing probably helped save their marriage.

Well … this is it for Slim to None. I hope you've enjoyed it every bit as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Thank you so much for reading. xC