Edited on 26/10/12: Corrected my mistakes.
A/N: My first fan fiction for Kannazuki no Miko. A short one-shot. Inspirations from a song.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I only created the story with my imaginations.
Dear my friend
Ever since the first time I saw you, I was already head over heels for you. The reason why I felt that way, until now, it's still unknown to me. However, there is one thing that I'm very sure about. It is that I'm definitely crazy for you, so in love with you that I can't help but want to take you all for myself despite knowing that it's impossible. Why, you ask? That is because you never showed me the kind of feelings that I've always felt about you. To you, I'm might be only a friend. However, to me you're much more than that. What can I ever do to tell you that without getting hurt? How can I ever find a way to express my feelings for you without the use of words? Why can't you tell that I'm in love with you? Am I not acting obvious enough for that to happen?
If my feelings will never reach you… I shall keep them in a form of this letter; to keep records of my love for you, to keep evidence about my feelings for you.
Dear my friend,
To you, I might be just a friend.
To you, I might not be the most important one for you. But, to me you're everything. – my love and my life – Even if these feelings of mine will never reach you. I would still want to tell you these three words, "I love you".
Ever since I met you, these feelings have been developing. I craved for you, more and more, everyday, every hour, every minute. But you were still oblivious about my feelings despite the way I have always been treating you. You knew that I would never treat others the way I treat you. You knew that I only would treat you specially, so why won't you ever notice my feelings?
Every time I see you, my heart ached.
Every time you smile, my heart throbbed violently, painfully.
Every time you gave that smile to that guy whom you call a childhood friend, I felt stabs; it hurt as if I was really stabbed by a knife.
Every time you cry, my arms would never reach you.
Every time you look at me with those honest eyes, I felt like I could die.
Every time you were in danger, the one who always managed to save you wasn't me.
My feelings will never change, but I can only watch over you from afar. I know that I can't blame you for what you did and do. I know that I can't blame you for loving another. I know that I can't blame you for making me feel this way about you. I know that… I don't have the right to hold you in my hands. I know that… I don't have the right to be in your life. I know that… I can only hope and wish for the day you might return my feelings.
Even if you would never be mine, I shall tell you all about how I feel about you. In my eyes, you shone like the sun; the way you smile, the cheerful attitude of yours, the unwavering heart of yours. I admired your kindness. You were kind to anyone, even the enemies. You were always so persistent; never giving up on anything. You struggled through all the sufferings, reaching the happiness you worked for. All about you showed that you live life to the fullest, that's what made me attracted to you.
I really regret not being able to express my feelings for you in person. I had always wished that I could turn back the time and prevent myself from ever making this mistake. Because I know that it would never work you, especially when you're a woman and so am I. You have the very right to fall in love with the opposite gender. You have the very right to reject me for the person you would eventually fall in love with. You have the very right… to tell me "I'm sorry". And, therefore, I'll give up on you. I'll keep this one-sided love to myself. At least, I get to keep the wonderful memories we've made together. At least, I get to be with you forever, even if I am just a friend you. At least, I won't need to hear those words of rejection.
Thank you for letting me discover about love. Thank you for letting me… have a chance to find out that, in life, you could find someone important to you. Thank you for... the wonderful memories.
Goodbye, my love.
As I concluded my letter with those last words, my chest tightened, making it suffocating. Moisture could be felt at the very tip of my eyelids, slowly, it became tears that streamed down my face uncontrollably. My hands hurried to cover my face, letting me cry to my hearts content in my soft palms. The ever so dry paper became soaked with my tears that managed to flow through the gaps of my hands, onto the paper.
Tears continued to flow out mercilessly, until every single drop of tears were shed. One of my hands left my face and went to grip tightly on the part of my shirt, near my chest. The pain from the inside, probably hurts more than if I were to be stabbed a knife. I wept silently at the desk in my room, no one there to comfort me.
"Himeko…" I repeated her name, over and over again, as I let the tears wash away my sadness.
The moon shone brightly in the sky, illuminating the town. However, it could never compare with the sun that shone even brighter every day in the mornings and afternoons. When all my tears were shed, I looked up into the sky and lost myself in my own thoughts. Reminiscing the times I spent with her, thinking of her smile for me, thinking of the hands that she held out to me when I needed them, and thinking of the kindness she had shown me.
The night felt long; it felt like eternity. My devastation never ended. After all, I just lost my love. I could only hope that the guy she would eventually fall in love with would be one that would treasure her with his life, protect her with his life and love her with all his heart.
"Himeko…" I muttered once again, but this time, no tears could come out. My eyes were fully drained; there were no more tears that could be shed. The wonderful night breeze was cold to me. I wrapped my arms around my body, as if to use them as walls to protect myself from everything in the whole. However, there was one thing I couldn't block out or protect myself from. It was the pain in my heart, from the inside. How I wish I could put my hand into mouth, get it to travel down my throat, towards my heart and take it out of my body to stop the pain, to end my sufferings.
When the morning came, I stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling with my lifeless eyes. Even when the sun rose and sent its light and warmth to all parts of the town, my heart still felt as cold as the night breeze. Until someone comes to comfort me, until the love of my life greets me with her smile and reach her hand out to me, I would probably never recover from this devastation and despair.
I could hear the birds chirp happily, the chit chatting noises from the roads near my home and the noise produced by the vehicles from afar. Everyone seemed to be living happy lives with no worries, while I was the only one suffering. Even though it wasn't true, I felt like it was. My maids and butlers were also making lots of noises down below, but here in the room, it was dead quiet. Only the sound of my breathing could be heard.
My body felt really heavy when I finally decided to get out of bed. It was like I lost all of my strength to walk or to stand. My throat felt parched too.
I wonder how I look now.
Probably really horrible, after all that crying and all the brooding I did yesterday before I fell into a deep slumber without knowing that I did.
Suddenly, I felt that this life wasn't worth living. If I had give up on love, it meant that I had thrown away my life. I did claim that she was my life after all.
What should I indulge myself in, in order to get rid of this void in my heart?
Who should I go to, to seek for help and comfort?
Where should I ever go to, to hide myself from the love of my life?
And most importantly… how am I to live life with an empty heart?
It was already evening when I returned to reality after all the thinking. My stomach growled but I could care less about it. The banging and pounding on my door did nothing to make me feel better. My maids and butlers were no doubt, worried about me, since I skipped breakfast, lunch and now, finally dinner. Despite all those noises, I didn't feel any irritation or feel annoyed at all. Only sadness enveloped me. Only thoughts of "her" invaded my mind even though I had decided to give up on her last night.
It seemed that what I wanted to do was harder to be done than it was to just say it. Well, of course it was. If I could fall so easily for her, how could I get out of it so easily? She's really sly to charm me, without even knowing that she did. She's really sly, that each and every time I see her; I would exclude the world from my view and focused my attention only at her. Each and every movements and gestures of hers captured my heart. My heart beats rapidly every time I'm around her.
"Do I have to fake my smile whenever I see you? Do I have to lie to myself and to you and live life like this until the day I die?" I clasped my hands tightly in front of myself, and hugged my knees to my chest as I sat on the cold floor. "If only you would realize my feelings and accept them. If you did, I wouldn't have to suffer so much. But I know that you will never reciprocate these feelings of mine, so I'll promise that I would give up on you. It may take time, but I will definitely keep my word. So don't worry, I won't disrupt your life." As the last words came out of my mouth, my eyes felt really heavy. Before I knew it, my view was already enveloped in darkness and all the strength in my body, lost. Collapsing onto the ground, no one to notice until someone barged in the room to check on me.
When I had awoken, I was on my bed, with a machine beside me, beeping with slight intervals. My maids and butlers stood by the side of the bed, all having worried faces. I opened my mouth and spoke, "I'm sorry, I'll be fine in a few days." Everyone in the room nodded in response to my words without changing the expressions they had on their faces.
And after a few days, I was back to normal. I woke up unwillingly and prepared for school. When I was done, I left my home, reluctant, to meet her. She was already at the appointed place when I arrived a few meters away from the place. From afar, I could see her happy expression. It wasn't like any other day, so something must have happened for her to have such a happy expression. I tried not to waver when I opened my mouth to greet her and ask her about it.
"Good morning, Himeko. Did anything something wonderful happen to you?"
"Yea, you know… Oogami-kun confessed to me." Her face was bright red when she answered.
Ah… I lost to him after all.
I looked up into the morning sky as tears threatened to fall while I could only clench my fists hard to pray that I wouldn't cry in fornt of her.
A/N: It's possible to continue this as series. I have lots of ideas. But only if I get good feedbacks about this story.
Read and Review, thank you!
Edited on 26/10/12: Finding a Beta reader who could help me in editing my horrible errors and of course, give me points on how to improve on my writing, especially parts with descriptions.