Killing Me Softly

Iruka Kakashi fanfic

It wasn't a change in his general composure what told Iruka what kind of mission Kakashi had returned from, it were things no one else would consider conspicuous.

Whenever the other male came back from a secret assassination for ANBU, Iruka could tell. There was no bloody uniform or suspicious injuries – as a shinobi you learned how to cover your tracks. So Iruka had to find other ways of finding out how to deal with his lover.

A jonin on edge was a dangerous jonin – to himself and to those around him. Under the cool exterior of a trained shinobi the nerves were tense, long trained reflexes were ready to take over and kill whatever threat may occur within the blink of an eye.

So Iruka had made it some kind of tradition to prepare a meal whenever Kakashi came home from a mission, no matter the time of day. As soon as the (outwardly) composed high ranking ninja took place at his table the chunin would scoop up a small portion of his cooking and feed the other man.

Had it been an easy mission Kakashi would laugh at him and snatch the fork, claiming he was perfectly able to feed himself – just to turn the whole situation upside down and feed the morsel to Iruka with love in his eyes and a small, happy smile on his face.

Iruka would obediently open his mouth and welcome the mouthful of food, licking the fork's teeth when they retreated and shoot his lover a heated look. Kakashi would understand and forget about the food. Instead they would spend the next hour or so in the other's embrace, making up for the lost time they had to spend apart from each other for the length of the mission.

Whenever that happened, Iruka knew everything was fine and he only had to worry about some minor scratches both physically and mentally; scratches a little love time would tend to way better than any visit at the hospital could.

Iruka loved those moments, loved when he saw Kakashi's eyes lighten up with the knowledge his lover would welcome him with his whole being, welcome him home in the safety of their own four walls.

A light tapping at his window awoke him that night. Iruka got up and rubbed at his sleepy eyes, trying to focus on the room bathed in darkness. He knew who was sitting on his windowsill, there were only so many people who would visit him at night.

As soon as he could at least make out the obstacles in his way to the window he stood and walked over to the shinobi squatted in his window opening.

"You know you can come in when I'm asleep, don't you?" Iruka yawned, scratching his chest with one hand while the other opened the window.

"Well, yeah. But I wouldn't want to miss you being all groggy and fuzzy after being woken up," Kakashi answered lightheartedly and slipped into the room gracefully. "And I like you to welcome me with a kiss instead of a kick as soon as I slipped under your cover."

The younger man smiled up into his lover's face and presented him with the anticipated kiss; a soft, almost shy meeting of lips.

Iruka took a step back and let his eyes roam over the other male, who had already changed into his standard jonin uniform instead of turning up in his ANBU gear. The tender kiss had been registered, as had the demure behavior, but the chunin didn't mention it.

"Let's get some food into you!" he exclaimed instead and dragged the silver haired man into his kitchen. "I'm sure I had some saury somewhere…" With a triumphant cry Iruka jumped up and turned around, a can of the desired food in his hand.

"I know it isn't as good as my homemade fish, but it will do for the moment, hu?"

A happy smile answered him and Kakashi sank down at the kitchen table, expecting the chunin to join him soon. And without further ado Iruka sat next to him, can already opened and fork in hand.

He scooped up a morsel of the fish in soy sauce and brought it up to Kakashi's mouth, hoping for the other male to defy his attempt at feeding him. But Kakashi didn't fight back, didn't grab the cutlery to turn the table, quite literally.

Instead the famous Sharingan no Kakashi opened his mouth obediently and savored the morsel.

"I know your cooking is better, 'Ruka, but at this time at night even the canned version is worth dying for."

The words didn't register with Iruka; he simply stared at the emptied fork and the almost anticipating features of his lover. "I wouldn't say no to another forkful of fish, you know?"

"Wha-? Oh, yes, sorry!" Iruka fed the rest of the can on autopilot. While he wanted to enjoy the sight of his beloved Kakashi enjoying the meal so much that his features never lost their (seemingly) happy smile, his thoughts were dominated by worries. The chunin knew it was all an act.

He knew that Kakashi had killed tonight. He had killed someone who was a threat to the village, a threat to the peace so many shinobi had fought for, too many shinobi had died for; there wasn't a price too high to pay to maintain this peace, Iruka knew that. And he knew that Kakashi thought exactly the same, and he was willing to pay that price – even when, with every assassination he had to execute, a little part of him died with his victim.

So, whenever Kakashi came back from that kind of mission, whenever he felt he had the blood of someone else staining his hands, his soul, he refused to penetrate anyone or anything, even if it was just the teeth of a fork into canned food. He wouldn't breach any kind of surface with something pointy, wouldn't end another life.

That's why Iruka would try to feed him; would hope the other would steal the fork and feed him in turn. But Kakashi would have to point a weapon at his lover, would have to bring the sharp fork near another human being – something he couldn't do, not when he had killed only a few hours ago.

When Kakashi sank back onto his chair, Iruka got up and put the emptied can into the bin. His face was carefully blank when he turned back to Kakashi. His lover looked up at him in surprise.

"What's wrong, 'Ruka?"

"Nothing, Kakashi. Let's go to bed, hu?"

The grey haired man got up and sauntered over to his lover, a sleepy grin adorning his face. "I think you have to take me there."

"I know." Iruka was glad he didn't only know how to read the signs of Kakashi's state of mind, but knew how to help him, too. And it was help he was happy to offer. He may not be the most powerful shinobi Konoha had, but he knew his way with others; and one other in particular.

It wasn't before they were both naked and sprawled out next to each other on the bed sheets that Kakashi spoke again, his hand absent mindedly drawing intricate designs on Iruka's lower stomach and the beginning of his rich brown curls.

"I need you to…"

"I know, love, I know. And I will." Iruka scooted closer to Kakashi and encircled him in his arms, pushing the grey haired head onto his chest where the other could hear his heart beat.

"Do you hear that, 'Kashi? I'm alive." A tan hand whispered over pale skin, coming to a halt next to the breast bone. "And I can feel your heart beating, too, 'Kashi. You came back to me. You made it, you are alive and you are with me."

"Show me." Those two words, whispered quietly, almost too low to be heard, but even more pronounced by the hollow, sad look in those mismatched eyes, were Iruka's undoing and even though he knew Kakashi would be alright by dawn, he couldn't stop a single tear from running down his cheek.

Kakashi didn't see the shed tear, he never did; Iruka never let him. Instead the younger man made his lover turn around on the bed. The jonin supported his upper body on his shoulders, his arms outstretched in front of him, his face buried in the cushions and taking in his Iruka's scent, while his ass stood up into the air, presenting himself to Iruka who slowly regained his composure.

The sight he was greeted with as soon as he had wiped away the stray tear was one to behold. Two firm, perfect globes, supported by two equally firm and muscular thighs, stood proud in his direction, presenting a puckered, rosy hole that almost seemed to wink at him; everything was framed by the smooth, pale skin that was so designative for his lover.

"'Kashi…" Iruka swallowed around the lump in his throat and bent forward, covering the sprawled out body in front of him, and entwined their fingers while kissing his lover's neck. Kakashi was shivering beneath him; because of their proximity, their planned actions or as an aftershock of the mission he didn't know. But as soon as the older man felt the heat of another body seeping into his quivering skin the shivering stopped immediately and the pent up tension left his body.

"'Ruka, I can feel you," Kakashi breathed and relaxed into his lover's embrace. "I have done something terrible, 'Ruka. I have killed a man without knowing his name. I have killed a man simply because someone told me I had to. I don't even know what he has done."

"You know that isn't true, 'Kashi. You have saved the village, you have preserved the peace. Don't think about the man you had to kill – think about all the lives you have saved."

"I can't, 'Ruka! Monsters aren't supposed to think about saving people."

"Monsters aren't supposed to be loved, and still I love you," Iruka whispered while he tightened the hold he had on his powerful lover. "I love you, Hatake Kakashi!"

Iruka remembered the first time he had been faced with a shattered Kakashi, when the deadly dangerous shinobi had returned from an assassination mission and immediately had searched the presence of his lover.


The chunin had been lying in his bed and listening to the heavy rain drops drumming against his windows. It had taken quite some time until he had realized it wasn't only the rain that was tapping against the glass; every now and then a tapping beat, too regular to be caused by the rain, had rang through the calm room.

When he had gotten up to check his window he had been faced with a silly grinning Kakashi, dripping wet and shivering – from the cold, Iruka had thought. From the terror that was an ANBU's life, he knew now.

Back then he hadn't known how to cope with a broken Kakashi, hadn't even known the other shinobi had been in such a devastated state, so he had simply invited him into his bed; to cuddle or to have some rough sex he hadn't known.

At first everything was as Iruka had anticipated it. Kakashi had sprawled out on his bed, slowly soaking the fabric with the rain that had earlier soaked his uniform, until a Kakashi-shaped stain decorated the sheets. The jonin grinned at that observation and waved Iruka over.

"Now you have two of me."

"As if one wouldn't be more than enough to handle at a time," Iruka had laughed before he had covered the Kakashi-stain with his body. "I think I like this one better. He isn't as perverted as you are!"

The attack following that comment had been expected, as had the way Kakashi had tore his sweat pants from his legs and thrown onto the ground. What Iruka hadn't been expecting were the heart wrenching sobs the jonin had broken out in as soon as they both had been naked and entangled in Iruka's bed. Nothing was left from the powerful man the chunin had invited into his bed, his life; not the usually perverted jonin who sometimes couldn't wait to enter him even long enough to get rid of the clothes.

Back then Kakashi had been positioned like Iruka was right now – behind the other man, ready to breach the sinful gate to ecstasy. Only – he hadn't. Instead of sheathing himself in the other ninja he had broken down, falling limply across the chunin's back and quivering in sobs and tears.

"I can't, 'Ruka," a voice as shattered as the man speaking those words had breathed. "I can't kill again."

That day Iruka had learned something new about the man he had called his lover. A new side to the emotionless shinobi, the unfeeling killing machine everyone thought him to be. But Iruka knew better now, and he didn't refer to Kakashi as his boyfriend any longer.

Cradling the sobbing man in his arms he whispered soothing words into his ear, rocking him back and forth and slowly bypassing the walls Kakashi had built around him.

"Kakashi, you don't kill me; you wouldn't, even if you could. You don't kill people that love you, right?"

Kakashi's sobs had stopped for a second and his tear streaked face had looked up to Iruka. "Love?"

"Yes, 'Kashi. I love you!"

And with that the sobs had stopped altogether, along with the shivering and the heavy breathing; Kakashi simply lay in his arms, stunned. "I-… I… I love you too, 'Ruka!"

Nothing else had happened between them that night, except for them holding each other tight and eventually falling asleep in each other's arms.


"I love you, Hatake Kakashi!" Iruka repeated. "And you are no monster. You are a hero!"

"A hero who kills." Kakashi wouldn't let go of his stubbornness, Iruka knew. "Why is it no one punishes me for what I do? I take other people's lives and no one cares about-"

"I care, 'Kashi. I care about you."

"Then it is upon you to punish me, Iruka. I need you to kill me."

While he had been shocked the first time he had heard those words, Iruka knew their meaning by now. They were what would introduce their own ritual of cleansing the soul, of repairing what had been demolished by their bloody profession.

"I will grant your wish, 'Kashi. You'll get your small death."

And just as if the sun had raised way too early the darkness of the room seemed to have lightened up; forgotten was the depressing tension that had filled their surroundings only seconds earlier.

Iruka raised his upper body, dragging Kakashi up with him until they were upright again, Kakashi being flush against the broad chest behind him. Gentle hands roamed chiseled pectorals, barely touching and still sending shivers of excitement through the pale body. The jonin let his head fall back onto his lover's shoulder and buried his nose in the crook of the neck while he let his tongue catch a taste of the slightly stubbly chin.

"You need to shave," he chuckled, relishing in the scratchy feeling of the growing beard against his wet appendage.

"You need to stop complaining," Iruka countered, catching dusky nipples between his fingers and tugging lightly. That worked the magic and Kakashi groaned deeply. "That's better!"

"'Ruka, more!" Begging this early on wasn't a common occurrence, but Iruka wouldn't complain.

He could feel himself grow more excited by the second and knew his lover wouldn't be any different. A twitching in his middle made their embrace become even more intimate as his awakening erection brushed against Kakashi's balls dangling between his legs.

Kakashi rotated his hips against Iruka, increasing the friction between their bodies; it was Iruka's turn to surrender to the urge to groan. "You better stop this, 'Kashi-"

"Or what," the jonin interrupted, pushing his pelvis back against the other man's throbbing length and catching it in between his muscular thighs. With movements mimicking a slow, sensuous fuck he caressed the flesh caught between his legs, letting out lewd groans and moans.

Iruka couldn't help but pant, his breaths ragged and stuttering. "Please, let me-… 'Kashi!"

It was like that every time – they took turns in begging, in teasing, in everything.

"You will, 'Ruka, I want you to!" Kakashi promised and let go of his hostage.

When he wriggled out of the hold Iruka had on him, and turned around to face his lover, the younger man knew what the other wanted. Pressing his hand flat onto the plane chest in front of him he pushed the grey haired man backwards until he was on his back, legs wide open and inviting.

Brown eyes drank in the display of perfect beauty in front of him: A flushed Hatake Kakashi, one of the most powerful shinobi ever known in the shinobi world, lying in his bed, needy, relaxed, vulnerable as one could be, and it was all for him to take, to cherish, to protect.

Pale skin stretched over a sculptured body, muscles resembling them of a god, love written all over his face – it was a sight to behold, something Iruka could never get enough of. And he knew Kakashi would see the same in him while he towered over the older male.

The chunin bent forward and caught Kakashi in a sensual kiss; their tongues tangled and danced, lips sucked and slid against each other, teeth nibbled. In the middle of the kiss a wave of possessiveness overcame Iruka and he bit down a little harder on the lower lip between his teeth. "Mine!" he growled. "No one is to see you like this, Kakashi. You are mine and mine alone!"

Kakashi hissed at the pain, but didn't try to free himself. "Yours," he breathed a little awkwardly, due to his lip being caught in between his love's teeth, and tangled his hands in chocolate brown locks, tugging Iruka even closer. "Yours alone, as you are mine!"

As soon as his hair had been set free again, Iruka began with his journey all over his lover's body, leaving kisses and a wet trail of saliva along his way. He wanted to taste all of Kakashi, wanted to nibble and suck everywhere he could reach, and he did everything to reach that goal.

Plump lips slid along a sharp jaw line, reaching the throat and resting at the pulse point long enough to leave a purple mark, just to continue further down the chest where a wet tongue played with erect nipples.

Kakashi's breaths sped up and he seemed to be tempted to push Iruka's head further down to where he needed to be touched, and soon. But whenever his hands moved to grab Iruka's hair, the chunin shot him a warning glare to stay put. The younger man was in charge and he let his love know about that fact.

So the torture went on and soon Iruka had covered his lover's body in kisses and licks; Kakashi's skin was glistening with a fine sheen of sweat by now, accentuated by the wet trails the Umino's caresses had left.

Other than their heavy breaths and low moans it was completely silent around them, calm and soothing. Until Iruka put Kakashi's legs onto his shoulders and delved in to lick over his winking hole, that is. The Hatake yelped surprised, but turned his shriek into a loud, rough groan soon enough.

Thanks to their slow pace and the trust between them Kakashi was already relaxed to the core and Iruka could push his tongue into the tight entrance, feeling the muscle ring tighten around the intrusion.

The rich flavor that was purely Kakashi invaded his taste buds and Iruka moaned wantonly. The taste filled his head, strong, musky, slightly bitter and oh so heavenly. Licking, sucking and pushing he caressed the puckered hole with his tongue, working it open and invitingly wet.

It was almost as if he was kissing Kakashi, showering the other shinobi in his love and admiration.

"Iruka… 'Ruka! I-… Please!"

Kakashi's cock stood proudly, obscuring a part of Iruka's view of the Hatake's face but he knew it to be full of emotion.

Taking pity on his lover Iruka retreated his mouth again and licked his way up to Kakashi's waiting lips. Engaging in a deep kiss he let the other taste himself in his mouth before he retreated once again to position his rock hard cock against the tight entrance between Kakashi's firm globes.

"You ready for me?"

"Always!"

And with one slow, sensual thrust Iruka breached Kakashi and impaled him on his throbbing length. The hole opened without much reluctance and engulfed his head, sucking him in deeper and deeper. Kakashi's breath hitched at the intrusion, but was let out in a long, soft moan after a mere second.

Iruka took in his lover's face, cautious not to miss any sign of discomfort from the way his engorged cock filled him and smoothened its way into his body. "I love you," he whispered over and over again like a mantra, his words only audible because of the absolute silence between them.

"Love you too, 'Ruka!" Kakashi answered breathlessly before his back arched involuntarily as he felt his love's balls' feathery touch against his ass.

Connected as intimately and as closely as two human beings could get Iruka held in. He watched Kakashi's face relax in loving ecstasy, both eyes opened wide and looking back at him, lips slightly ajar to let his breath come in and out softly, his face framed by silver hair and cushions.

"You are beautiful, love."

"As are you, 'Ruka. I love you more than anything!" The look in Kakashi's mismatched eyes gave proof to those words and Iruka didn't even try to hide his own feelings. "But, you know what would be even more beautiful," the Hatake's whispering voice breathed. "You moving."

Iruka smiled sheepishly at that and rotated his hips once, effectively shutting the other man up. "Pushy, aren't we?"

"Pushy, needy – call it what you like, but move!"

Bringing his arms around the legs lying on his shoulders, Iruka gripped Kakashi's hips and pulled his cock out of the warm, velvety embrace, only to push it in again, just as slow as his first thrust.

Kakashi mewled in pleasure, his head throwing from side to side on the cushions.

For all the violence, all the fights and strength the experienced every day, both shinobi liked it tame and slow in bed from time to time and Iruka knew tonight was one of those nights; at least for now.

He continued his slow, long thrusts, entering his lover over and over again and burying himself deep into Kakashi; his love reaching even deeper into the core of the other man.

His cock was sheathed in the tight heat, giving and taking pleasure by the embrace of the smooth walls clenching around him. Words weren't needed between them; their bodies had taken over the communication, showing their love with touches, strokes and kisses while they made love.

Nothing was said for several minutes, or maybe it had been hours since they had began their slow dance of love. This wasn't about reaching the climax, not about the sex or release, it was about them being alive, being in love, being together.

"I can feel you," Kakashi repeated his earlier words, shifting his pelvis slightly and changing the angle his lover was entering his body. Whatever he wanted to say next was lost in the loud moan he let out when the head of Iruka's cock inside him brushed hard against his prostate.

"I can feel you, too. I can feel you sucking me in, 'Kashi, all hot and tight around me!" Iruka answered before he raised the speed of his movements. His thrusts became more powerful, harder and faster, as became their moans and groans.

Their lovemaking was slowly reaching its peak, both men riding the wave of pleasure together while Iruka thrust into the other man, his sheathed cock brushing over Kakashi's prostate again and again and eliciting the most delicious mewls, groans and screams from the grey haired man.

"'Ruka! Fuck me! Kill me!"

And Iruka did. Over and over again he retreated completely out of Kakashi, only to stab his sword into the willing body beneath him, every time being swallowed by the greedy orifice.

Soon neither of the men could take it anymore. Kakashi gripped the headboard in a death grip, bracing himself against the powerful thrusts of the other man as he plowed into him.

Iruka felt Kakashi's climax approach by the way his tight walls clenched around his thick cock and the tight hole sucked him in, seemingly wanting to never let him go.

Their moans had been replaced by screams of pleasure, shouts of ecstasy piercing through the air around them.

"Iruka! Close! I-"

Without having touched his cock only once Kakashi came. And he came hard; his whole body spasmed and shivered. Thick ribbons of white shot out of the tip of his angry red glans, covering his belly up to his chest in glistening cream. His scream turned into a howl and his anus gripped Iruka even tighter, massaging his cock to the point of swallowing him whole.

"'Kashi!" Iruka couldn't hold back any longer, didn't even want to. The sight of his lover forgetting himself in the throes of passion was his undoing and he thrust into him one last time, burying his cock as deep as he could get until he filled Kakashi with his seed.

His penis twitched in his lover's body, coating the velvety walls in his essence.

Iruka's vision blurred and he had to fight not to sink down onto Kakashi. The fight was lost as soon as Kakashi's legs slid from his shoulders and the older man brought his arms around his neck and pulled him down into a kiss.

"Stay inside me," he murmured against his lips. "I don't want to let you go yet."

Iruka smirked into the kiss and rolled his hips, his still half hard cock moving in Kakashi's slick innards.

Their chests both covered in Kakashi's semen heaved with deep breaths and both men felt Iruka's essence drip out of the older shinobi's hole, tickling down his cheeks.

Eventually Iruka's limp member slipped out of Kakashi and Iruka took that as his cue to try to get up and get something to clean them up but was held back by a strong hand.

"Don't, 'Ruka. Not tonight. Stay with me and make me alive after having killed me softly…"