/ Author's notes: Updates are slow on this story I know, but you have to understand I have a lot going in my life and this story I find hard to write, so it tends to be left until I'm in the right frame of mind and honestly, I'm finding it really to carry on with it, give me something to let me know to carry on. . . Anyway, here's the next chapter, enjoy.
You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How the savior has abandoned you
He did this
Took all you had and
Left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray
Never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why ~A Perfect Circle~
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For the first time since I came to this hell, I felt some what happy again. It never lasted long, the Dementors always came and sucked it out of me, but the time Sirius spent with me I felt it, that spark of something far from the misery we both felt everyday, every night, every moment. We comforted each other, talked about better times, laughed even. We talked about school, and how we used to pretend to not notice each other, we whispered about how naughty we'd been the night his parents disowned him and we ended up making love on his muggle motor bike before he drove away and left me watching him leave my life forever, well, forever we thought it would be. Who knew we'd meet again in living hell?
I was leaning into his side and he had his arm wrapped around my shoulders, he was quieter than normal. He'd not spoke much and I knew there was something on his mind, something he wasn't telling me, he was my family after all, my blood, and we'd been best friends before everything had changed. I lifted my head from his chest to look at him, the warmth of his body felt wonderful and I snuggled into his side closer like a little child would for comfort from a parent. I'd not asked him what was bothering him, I was waiting for him to tell me, it was clear now he wasn't going to talk so I broke the silence.
"Something's bothering you?"
He looked down at me with that silly half smile on his face and rose an eyebrow.
"What makes you say that, cous? Look at the five star living we have here, what could possibly be bothering me?"
I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm, he'd always been a cocky git.
"Hm, yes very funny. Hardy haha. No, there's something on your mind, I know you well enough."
I tried again, and this time I saw something in his eyes, a flash of something, guilt? It vanished to fast for me to get a grip with it. Sitting up I studied him, he looked back at me with almost identical eyes to mine, only mine were slightly darker.
"It's nothing, Bella. Don't worry yourself over nothing."
That look again, that flash of guilt, yes it was guilt. I was worried, what had he done to make him feel guilty to look at me? My hand gripped his arm and I tilted my head at him, searching his eyes.
"If it's nothing why are looking at me like that?" There was a hint of annoyance and panic in my tone, I was having more and more trouble controlling my emotions, and he picked up on my changing mood and instantly his arms were around me and he pulled me into his chest, hushing me softly.
"Hey hey, hush now. It's alright, don't get working yourself up again."
I stayed still in his arms leaning against him and closing my eyes. It was when he was holding me this way I missed Rodolphus all the more, but the comfort his arms brought to me made me never want him to let me go. We stayed that way for a while, him rocking me gently and me dozing in his arms. I lifted my head when he placed a kiss to my tangled curls, I knew it was time for him to go back to his own cell. Reluctantly I made to move away but he caught my hand and pulled me back, embracing me and whispering in my ear how much he loved me, how he shouldn't love me, but he did, he always had and he always would. . . No matter what.
I felt him shift and change and before I could say anything he wasn't a man anymore, but the big black dog that had came to me and kept me warm all that time ago. I sighed sadly, it was always when he had to leave I felt that pull of loneliness I knew was to come until he came back. Stroking his fur I kissed his head and he licked my hands and my face a few times before he slunk through the bars and vanished. If only I'd known what he was going to tell me the next time he came, I may not have let him go.
I woke to the feeling of a hand gently brushing the hair from my face, I didn't know how much time had passed since I'd seen my cousin last, it could have days or weeks, time didn't mean anything here. He was frowning, I had dried blood on my arms and deep scratches on my skin. No warden had done that to me, it was my own hands that had inflicted the wounds. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept me holding on to my little bit of sanity, the pain it kept me feeling something other than self loathing. But seeing him sitting at my side made me somewhat smile. He didn't return it.
"You hurt yourself again, Bella."
I winced in discomfort as I sat up, the shackles around my sore wrists ratted the chains they were attached to as I moved, looking down at my bloodied arms and the cuts on my skin, did he expect me to say anything about it? I didn't. I heard him sigh and I looked at him as he smoothed a hand down my face.
"I'm leaving Bella, I came to say goodbye. I-I'm sorry. . . I want to take you with me but you know I can't. I have to save him, I have to. Harry's in trouble, I have to do something. . ." His voice was filled with emotion and a tear slipped down his face as he spoke.
I stared at him stupidly, Harry? As in Potter. . . ? Of course as in Potter. . . I couldn't speak, the emotions welling in my wouldn't let me. My dark eyes filled with tears , he was leaving me here? Leaving me here alone to face the monsters? How he was planning to escape I didn't care, all I could hear was that he was leaving me here alone. I gripped his arm and looked at him pleadingly. Tears slipping from my eyes as he moved away.
"Sirius. . . Please don't leave me here! Please don't go. . . You promised you'd stay, you promised you'd stay with me, you can't leave me here!"
My voice was rising on very word and I'd scrambled to my feet, funny how a starved person will find strength from the depths of their souls when the emotions they feel are strong enough. He shook his head and I saw the anguish in his eyes as he stepped out of my reach, my chains stopping me from grabbing at him.
"I'm sorry, Bella."
I tugged on my chins, screeching and screaming at him to not leave me. That I couldn't be alone without him now, that I loved him to much to not be with him. The next thing I knew I was pinned to the wall and his lips had latched onto mine. I tasted his tears and mine mingling, all the pain and agony I was feeling inside, the hurt and the heart ache was to much, I couldn't breathe but I didn't want to breathe, I was happily drowning in his kiss. He broke it and rested his forehead on mine.
"I love you, cousin."
I didn't reply as he moved away again, the pain inside me making me choke and my tears blinding me. He'd betrayed me, he'd lied to me, he was leaving me here to run to save the brat that had put me here, that was the down fall of my beloved Master. I felt something inside me break, was it my heart? Was it was only last remaining bit of sanity. Whatever is was, it had broken.
Sirius left me alone in my cell, his furry tail the last thing I saw as he slipped through the bars and out of my life for a second time. I lunged at where he'd been, the chains wouldn't give but I fought them until I slipped to the cold stone floor and couldn't get up again, my chest hurting as I screamed in pain, fury and betrayal. I screamed until the wardens came to silence me, and even then I screamed, they lashed me into silence until only whimpers left my lips and even then inside I was still screaming.